Oh
ja, i will also do a little piece about change – which is a topic
that was brought up and is here for us to share on within the weekly
points to blog/vlog about – and it is funny, cause in doing that, i
am walking and living a little point of change. Let me explain.
When
i first read the email with the topic i thought „Oh, cool topic,
maybe i will do a blog about it – i should do a blog about it“ -
yet i had something else to do at this point, like prepare and leave
for work – so my thought and the good intent with it was suppressed
and never realized lived. Also when i first looked at it, i was
intending or thinking about writing about the „dramatic and drastic
changes“ that can come up and be there to face within ones life,
where one has built up a point to such an extent through acceptance,
allowance and participation that it is here for one to face,
inevitable as consequence.
For instance allowing and accumulating
backchat in a relationship or negative reactions towards ones work,
that one build up, till it becomes a breaking point and one and so
ones life „has to change“, (sometimes) in a traumatic way. So
this is actually a forced change where self is forcing self through
self-separation and self-dishonesty to eventually „change“ … or
repeat the pattern until one change. It´s a way of change...yet not
suggested. (note to self.)
So
what i am doing here, is writing this little blog piece is „changing
my perception“ of how and what a blog must be, that „i must know
beforehand what i will write“ and „it must sound good and
perfect“ - to something where i go with the flow, with what is here
and change my perception and action in alignment with what i see is
best IN THIS MOMENT.
No procrastination. Here, in this moment i act
and live a point i see can contribute to me, my life and so others as
well.
Another
perception i am changing within this is that „Writing a
blog/something concise and supportive must take loooong and is a lot
of effort“. No – i am writing like 11 min now and i enjoy it,
it´s easy.
I
forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see,
realize and understand that opportunities for change come
„unexpectedly“ and can not be „forseen“ or „pre-mediated“.
I
forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see and
realize that i can not „plan“ or „project“ my change as this
is me participating in the mind, thinking about a illusionary future
of „who i will/should be and how i will/should act“ instead of
living the moment as self in equality and oneness with what is here
and presents itself.
I
forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace
unforeseen opportunities of change – instead of seeing and realizing
that this is the essence of my process – i can not see/premeditate
the opportunities/moments of change as that would be „mind“, i
can only prepare myself TO CHANGE (with writing, SF,
Self-commitments) and then actually DO IT and LIVE IT, when IT IS
HERE.
I
forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see,
realize and understand that i will test my self and my change/s in
many unforeseen moments to see, show and prove to myself that i
ACTually change.
I
commit myself to realize that i create my own change and
opportunities to change.
I
commit myself to see, realize and understand that all projections,
ideas, thoughts „about change“ „in the future“ are irrelevant
and self-deception.
I
commit myself to embrace opportunities of change/to change a point or
pattern within myself/my behaviour – when that opportunity opens up
– and to ACT on that opportunity in real time when it is here as
me.
I
commit myself to snap myself out of it, when i see that i am
projecting, imaging, fantasizing about change within my mind – i
breathe and walk potential moments of change here in the physical
into a eventual realization of change.
Nice,
i am satisfied - this is a document of living my process of change.
Today
i wanna look at the point of a phone call i had with my supervisor
yesterday. I contacted her to get support/perspective on a problem i
am facing in my work. We had a rather long call and discussion about
various points, which was also at the same time more an Update on the
progress of the project and particular points within it – as i now
see, we were already then steering of „of course“ regarding that
initial point/problem i wanted perspective on, which shouldn´t be a
problem, cause in fact i like sharing my work/progress with her and
usually enjoy, or rather „value“ the scientific
analysis/discussion of particular points as i have seen and
understand that it nurtures and supports a point or rather a part of
me – i see that this relationship supports and
substantiates/fulfills a particular part of me, where i like to be
very specific, analytical, structurally, logical, precise and
scientific in my looking and thinking.
And
i also like to discuss and, you could also say „debate“ particular
points, which is where it gets hazy...in terms of entering terrain of
„consequence“ as energy creation – as i tend to want debate or
even argue from a starting point of „being right“ - if i have
made up my mind about a point, certain thing, for example in my work,
lets say i think „i know where a problem lies“, i want the OTHER
to agree with me, to SEE MY POINT, to SEE WHAT I AM SEEING, what i am
saying and so – what i want is „validation“, that „I/EYE (as
what i SEE) am/is right, correct“. And so does She...lol. Which is
what i blame her in my backchat for.
So
– after the phone call i got left with a racing mind/thoughts and the
impression that „Now i got more problems than before!“, feeling
overwhelmed, insecure and „not so sure anymore“ about the
progress i thought i achieved up till now. Honestly, i was angry at
„her“ and in my mind/thoughts blaming her for me „myself this
way“, that she is confusing me and „well, superb...know i do not
know anything anymore“. Lol.
My
body also showing me what i accept and allow within me: In my throat
area, there is a knot, that feels more like „ruff“ of energy and
my right wrist is „stiff, blocked“. In Germany, there is the
saying: I have such a neck/troath,... (Ich hab so einen Hals...) when
somebody is really angry at/because of something or someone. So that's
what my body shows me, that i have and suppress anger in that moment,
towards that person. And the wrist, is an indicator that „I am
wrestling with something/someone“ and is about „how i am handling
a moment/point“, with the right side, relating to the „external
world/reality“ - so essentially my body displays that i am trying
to handle the situation/moment by „suppressing the
anger/frustration/experience that comes up within me“.
Now
– that i suppress the anger/frustration, instead of „living my
honesty“ and full-out express and vent my anger, frustration and
reactions onto the person i talk with, shows a certain level of
awareness, that this is NOT Self-honesty...it is not the best way.
So, what is? Is it the best way to suppress my „honest experience“
in that moment as a mechanism of coping/dealing with the
situation/moment and my reactions that is actually a part of ME?
No...
And
there is that awareness within me throughout the whole process, that
„this is not what is best, this is not real, this is not truly you,
this is my mind reacting“ which is a interesting and crucial point
to investigate within/of itself, as i see that yes there is truth in
that, but also a dimension of DENIAL, where i divert my full
attention/being/awareness in that REAL-TIME-MOMENT to be split of
„seeing what i am doing“, but „accepting it to play out“
instead of enabling myself to move through and out of this point and
state in real time, in the moment. This is making the whole
point/issue of projecting onto the other person and having backchat
and reactions play out etc bigger and/or even creating it in the
first place. The denial-character of and as self. ok.
Today
i was re-looking at the point and saw the actual trigger-point for my
anger and a lot more – which shows another point: How our emotional
energetic experiences/energy can veil and hide what is actually going
on in a moment/situation, and how we can not see clear within/as
energy – in fact i was quite „positive“ on the whole point
before the phone call because i was only looking at one particular
aspect of my results in the context of the whole project, and in that
aspect i was making progress – now my supervisor in the phone call
brought up an other aspect that i am/should be aware of in context of
the project, but was not looking at or rather neglecting its
meaning/importance in context of the whole project, due to being so
fixated on getting the other aspect right. When she then pointed out
that „ok this is good now, but the other aspect is a real problem“
- i was going/shifting into a negative state (polarity) of mind and i
see now that this also was due to being „taken by suprise“ and
realizing that „yes fuck i did not actually look at this aspect“,
which cascades into a point of backchat/experience of self-doubt and
self-judgment about „how i do not know my shit/data/project at
all“, „why didn´t i look at it etc“...so here i am reacting
with anger and judgment towards myself which influenced and set the
tone for the rest of the call, where i would be less expressive and
engaged within the conversation, due to being more busy safeguarding
my reactions. I also did not immediately see that the „problematic
results“ may have to do with another variable/point i did not
consider when preparing the whole experiment. So from that point on,
every other aspect we discussed or was opened up, i saw as another
„problem“ and additional „burden“ being placed onto me...and
not being able to deal with it or make sense of it. In that, i also
grew more „concerned“ or worried...yes worried, as i felt i had
lost control over them situation, while a moment before, i felt that
i am „in control“ and got everything nicely aligned.
So
– what is this point now all about and what is the solution?
Perception
of Control → Perception of loss of control →
fear/worry/self-judgment/inferiority → Anger/Frustration (at self)
→ Projection as blame onto a external person/point →
self-limitation and compromise of self/selfs relationships.
In
self-honesty i see that it all is not such a big problem, what yes
there were some mis-takes along the way which present opportunities
to learn and to expand my understanding and the experience within the
work that i do. The Discussion/phone call opened up more new aspects
of the point, of the project and also refocused my attention on a
aspect that is a key-point at this stage – i also see that if i
really do not agree on some points, i do not have to do it like
suggested and that i do not have to think/believe that i have to
carry out every idea/point we discussed in the physical, thus i do
not have to be afraid of expanding my understanding of a point or
considerations and scenarios, but courageously open up all points, all
failures/things gone wrong or not considered and trust myself that i
will do what is best, practically and feasible to do to lead me and
the work i do to the best outcome. The key-point is my own reaction
within myself and to forgive, stabilize and move through that in the
moment and well maybe even go a bit further back, as to the
perception of „control“ and wanting to think/perceive that i am
in control of a point, looking how i can redefine that.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to in the
moment my supervisor/colleague pointed out to me that the low values
are a real problem and that i need to focus on that at this stage,
react with a experience of fear and a experience/perception of
„losing control“, where in one moment, i was very clear and
confident on where i am at and what i want to talk about and in the
next one i was experiencing myself confused, without orientation and
not knowing/understanding exactly what was happening.
I
forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see and
realize that the perception/experience of „losing control“ and
uncertainty/not knowing is caused the experience of „worry“ and
„concern“ within me, which i projected onto x in separation of
myself, as though „it is her worry or concern“ influencing me in
some way.
I
forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see and
realize that i reacted in fear of losing control/worry, because i was
surprised with the point X brought up and pointed towards, as i did
not look at it at all/as important in this experiment, as my focus
(energetic focus as fear) was on another aspect of the project work
that i wanted to align and i was „happy/satisfied“ with this part
and not looking that the other important aspects anymore.
I
forgive myself, that i have accepted and allowed myself to when
seeing/realizing that i do not know and have not looked at this
particular aspect, go into self-judgment and beating myself up
within myself, like „Oh, your so stupid, why didn't you look at
that“ - „how could you neglect that“, wherein i forgive myself
that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how
judgment blinds my sight and destroys my ability to look and see
clearly and in stability what did i miss, why i did something the way
i did it and what could/can be the reason for these results.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to from this
judgment react with self-pity, anger and blame – placing my self as
the victim.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react in
anger towards my colleague/superior when she told me that i/we need
to focus on this particular aspect of the project, thinking that it
is impossible to improve this aspect and ridiculous, like „i have
tried everything“, yet don't know what is up in fact, where due to
my reaction i could no see the most probable cause for the low
values.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react to my
colleague/supervisor in anger/frustration as a protection mechanism
to not have to face responsibility for a mistake i made, or more
specifically a point i did not consider in the preparation of the
experiment that can/could explain the values.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at
myself for not thinking about this aspect/point when preparing the
experiment – where, within this, i forgive myself that i have
accepted and allowed myself to immediately become angry and
judgmental as blame towards myself, instead of simply accepting that
i did not consider this, now i learn from it and build it into the
next step.
In
this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to
still exist within and as a underlying fear as stress about the
project and getting everything ready in time and a fear of not
getting it finished in time, where the anger gives me a false sense
of empowerment/control.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to
hide and „brush over“ points that are unclear, that are problems,
that complicate the whole project (within my mind) to keep it as
simple as possible to get it done as fast as possible, not seeing or
realizing that in that, i am brushing over essential points that i
can use to expand my understanding and skills.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to
keep everything as limited as possible to not have more work with it
and even more points to consider, even thought that is not how
things/reality work.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my
anger/frustration reaction towards X as a way to „deal/cope with
it“, instead of living courage, bringing the reaction here and face
it right on in that moment, where i could have seen that i am not in
fact react to x but towards myself and to not face my responsibility
in that situation.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be so
quick to project my inner experiences onto others in my world and
reality.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to easily be
offended and easily feel criticized – even with points, things and
words that were actually meant as support or simply neutral.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed an automatism of
interpreting the behaviour and words of people as a form of
criticism, personal attack and know-it-all-behaviour.
I
forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see
Myself – WHO I AM – within this point and pattern, where its like
i am only „waiting for someone to say something for me to react in
insecurity, excuses, protection and defense“ i am so ready to go
into fight or flight mode, because „I am already it“ - i am in
it, as it, thus another person, conversation, phone call etc...only
acts as a TRIGGER to bring out what already exists within me.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist
within/as the polarity of „Confidence“ as superiority and
In-security as fear/inferiority within and as me, where its a
constant battle of attempting to fight for/as confidence and get
a-way from the insecurity/inferiority within myself by trying to
„control“ the events and outcome within/of points in/of my
external world and reality – such as „How my relationships go“
„Achieving certain professional goals“ „How i do/who i am in my
job“ and basing my Confidence on those aspects, or at least making
my confidence and self-trust dependent on those external points,
which leads me to go through this constant cycle of ups and downs in
my self-experience in the battle between confidence/optimism and
insecurity/giving up, where anger/frustration/resentment and
worry/fear/inferiority play essential roles in perpetuating this
cycle.
I
forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see and
realize that all of this is – as already Bernard Poolman shared –
part of Character building as the mind, and the solution is Breath,
the big equalizer.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to indulge
within perceptions of control as confidence as superiority –
instead of realizing that this is an illusion that must fall and
fail, leaving me with a experience of perceived loss of control as
the negative starting-point motivation to „get back into a point of
(perceived) control as a continuous cycle of energetic highs and lows.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give
worth/value to the perception of control, within the false believe
that it is real „control“ and in that i am „in control of
manifesting/creating my wants/needs/desires that are behind the
system of control.“
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react in
worry as fear of loss if i notice/realize that a point i
„thought/believed/perceive myself as being in control of“ - i am
NOT in control of as i imagine it in my mind, wherein i forgive
myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize
that i in fact only lose the PERCEPTION of control, which was never
real in the first place.
→ So
this point of control leads me into the fundamentals again in terms of
„what is it that the perception of control gives me?“ „What is
it that I seek?“
I
forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see and
realize that the way of creation is NOT to try to control the
Outcome, as that is impossible, a total illusion where i look at ALL
of existence from a SINGLE self-interested starting-point and
believe/perceive that it should shape itself to „what i
want/need/desire“ - creation is a way of walking and flowing with
existence walking the way of your self as it opens up, where in every
breath and every step you are the creator of yourself in the
„decisions of how you are“ and thus what you accumulate and
create.
I
forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to
absolutely trust myself that what i open up daily within me and my
world for me to face and walk are the exact points that i need to
face and walk to become a equal, full-fledged human being.
I
forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see and
realize that this whole point exposes another „weakness“ of me,
where i do not really want to put in the detailed, specific and
seemingly vast effort/work into this project to walk
through/understand/investigate the points opening up as i walk, but
that i want to put in as little physical effort/work as possible
based on „what i have seen as a projection in my mind“ - where in
the mind it looked much easier and i basically already see myself
„holding the price/rewards/success in my hands“ and i want to get
there „fast“ and effortless, instead of walking the process and
way AS IT IS/COMES.
I
see, realize and understand that i am the source of the experiences
of insecurity/inferiority, confusion, overwhelmingness within me.
I
commit myself to when and as i see that in a moment another says
something to me/i get new information and i react/shift in-to
insecurity, confusion, overwhelmingness, resistance – to stop,
breathe and stabilize myself as i realize this is basically my mind
reacting and it is unnecessary, i can simply remain here breathing
and look at what is going on from a point of stability.
I
see, realize and understand that the experience of „worry“ and
concern indicates that i have/am existed in a illusion of control
somewhere within me.
I
direct myself to when and as i worry or concern comes up within me to
live „letting go“ and giving myself as life, as the moment time
and space to unfold.
I
see, realize and understand that this whole experience/point is also
a testing ground for me within the point/pattern of „I can only be
satisfied/fulfilled, if/when i have figured out/found the solution to
this point“, where i see and realize how this experience is now
taking me into and opening up more dimensions within the point as
well as testing my „standing“ within the pattern – asking the
questions: Who are you when things do not go your way? Will you
shift/fall into blame, anger, frustration? What are you going to do
now?
I
commit myself to see and realize that the points/experiences i am
creating and having are often expansion-opportunities to look deeper,
understand more of me in/as points i am currently opening up and
walking in my process.
I
see, realize and understand that when there is anger, frustration,
there is a potential/aspect of standing and stepping up involved –
out of the illusion of „empowerement“ through the experience of
anger in the mind, to actual empowerment through real physical
action, so in this case is to INCLUDE the particular step in the work
flow, that was planned in the beginning - now i learnt
that it might
be better to include or at least consider this step from in the first
place.
I
commit myself to when i face anger towards myself/others ask myself
„What is my responsibility – how/where do i need to stand up and
step up in my physical participation to empower myself to do what is
best?“ and then do it.
I
commit myself to give myself the time and space to understand my self
and what i am working with in detail and specificity.
I
commit myself to put in the effort and work necessary to understand
my self and what i am working with in detail and specificity.
Not to long ago i started to open up my
relationship with pains and points of experience within my physical
body, where i would take the experiences/pains in my body and open
them up in writing and self-forgiveness introspecting what they are
related to and more specifically seeing how i am creating those pains
within me as me.
Pains and discomforts are a indication
that who i am within/as my mind within my body is not aligned with
the physical body or the physical reality and in that separation a
friction/conflict manifests that is experienced as pain or
dis-comfort. Pains and discomforts are actually great signs and
provide guidance of what/where to look at and what i need to work
with or process through within myself as to align myself with myself
and establish self-equality and oneness.
So today, i was reminded of that by
reading through a blog post of a fellow destonian. Since some time
now i have a particular pain in my neck area, left shoulder and other
points/experiences in my body that i kind of ignore. I deny them,
meaning that „i see there is pain/discomfort“, but instead of
investigating and opening up the point i either have some quick
reasoning, where it is coming from or what i may have done to cause
the pain/discomfort and that's about it...no investigation, no opening
up and subsequent understanding. I „accept“ the pain as „it is
just there“, IT is pain...it is „not me“, not ME causing
it...maybe something i did or do, but not ME (who i am) in my direct
relationship with my body.
I have proven to myself many times that
through writing, self-forgiveness and self-investigation in
conjunction with investigating/reading the Desteni-Material, such as
Venos Structural Resonance Documents or particular Eqafe-Interviews,
i have been able to identify, open up and work through the underlying
causes of pains/experiences in the body. So why do i not do it
consistently?
It is so interesting, because i see
that i even do a lot of additional things to suppress or modify the
experiences/pain in the body, like consuming particular foods or
substances, doing even more exercise, distracting myself with media
and so on...all but go to the root of it. Now, there is an other
perspective on Pain/Dis-ease emerging within me:
Pain/Dis-comfort/Disease is literally me screaming for attention on a
particular point – it is me showing to myself where i got some
work/alignments to do within myself.
Another dimension of denial is the
„generalisation of a point“ and i see that i do this a lot when
it comes to pains/discomfort in my body – i look at it very
superficial, like „ok, pain here, seems to be related to that, i
know...move on (there is nothing to see)“, when in fact much more
specificity is required and points in the mind do not „simply
change“ by themselves, just because i have seen them. Seldom i
take a point from opening it up in writing, to self-forgiveness to
finding solutions and actually walking the correction in the
physical. This tendency to not act on what i see/realize/understand
is a weakness of me, as within so without.
Also, and this may be the origin of the
Denial, there is a fundamental problem in my relationship with
pain/dis-comfort/dis-ease in my body...I fear pain, fear
dis-comfort/dis-ease, i fear that it will infer with „my plans“
„my life“, that „it will prohibit me from doing what i want to
do“ - pain/discomfort bothers me, i treat it like a „nuisance“
not realizing that this is exactly the relationship i have to
me/parts of me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted
and allowed myself to ignore and deny the signals my body is giving
me.
I forgive myself that i have accepted
and allowed myself to ignore and deny pain, dis-comforts and dis-ease
in the body.
I forgive myself that i have accepted
and allowed myself to react with fear and judgment to myself for
ignoring and denying pain in my human physical body having backchat
like „You are so stupid, you know and should know that pain is an
important indicator“
I forgive myself that i have accepted
and allowed myself to judge as punish myself for not continuing to
follow through in my investigations and efforts to establish
self-equality through opening up/investigating pains and dis-comforts
in my human physical body, instead of seeing that this perceived
„failing/falling“ in fact indicates dimensions to the point i did
not yet see nor consider, yet are crucial for effective
self-application and self-change.
I forgive myself that i have not
accepted and allowed myself to investigate my relationship to the
body pains/discomforts in it self.
I forgive myself that i have not
accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that there
is a experience of denial and fear involved when it comes to
pains/dis-comforts and that fear/denial is creating a form of „force
field“ around the point i am looking at/investigate that hamper my
ability to investigate and face my self in detail and specificity –
that i hamper my ability with to see all dimensions and consequence
outflows of a point that i am accepting and allowing within myself
and thus i deceive myself through denial by making a point
seem „less serious“, „less influential“ and „less
consequential“.
I forgive myself that i have accepted
and allowed myself to expect the mind to kind of „open up and give
all its secrets to me“ and to expect it „to do all the work and
change of it self“ when i have seen a point and/or its
solution within me – instead of realizing that this will never
happen, as the mind is programmed to protect itself. Which is a
blog-topic in it self.
I forgive myself that i have not
accepted and allowed myself to listen to my body.
I forgive myself that i have not
accepted and allowed myself to embrace pain and dis-comforts as me
equal and one.
I forgive myself that i have accepted
and allowed myself to think and believe that as a male i should be
not sensitive to pain as that makes me weak and a weakling.
I forgive myself that i have accepted
and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if there
is pain or dis-comfort within me/my body, that indicates that
somewhere i am harming and/or hurting myself – which means that i
am accepting and allowing a form of abuse.
I forgive myself that i have accepted
and allowed myself to think and believe that i should not feel pain,
that my body and mind should be in perfect harmony – within this, i
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate
myself from my body and pains/discomforts within it through this
believe that i should not feel/have pains.
I forgive myself that i have accepted
and allowed myself to fear pain and pains.
I forgive myself that i have accepted
and allowed myself to judge pain and dis-comfort as something that i
do not want to face and experience – not seeing, realizing or
understanding that pain is the key to healing as opening up,
investigating, moving through and changing that within/of me that is
causing harm/hurt and so pain to manifest.
I forgive myself that i have not
accepted and allowed myself to trust my body and my physical
awareness.
I forgive myself that i have accepted
and allowed myself to feel bothered by pain and discomfort and thus
try to suppress, deny, ignore or hide it.
I forgive myself for not accepting and
allowing myself to see and realize the gift within pains and
dis-comforts.
I forgive myself that i have accepted
and allowed myself to think and believe that pain is interfering with
„my plans“ or „my life“ instead of seeing and realizing that
pain and discomfort is indicating where i as the mind am trying to
enforce my plans/projections onto the body – instead of realizing
that i should rather question where those plans/projections come
from and investigate if they are actually serving ME as a whole living being.
I forgive myself that i have not
accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that it is in fact the
mind trying to enforce pictures/projections/plans onto the body, me –
with my support, meaning that i am the force fueling these
projections.
I forgive myself that i have accepted
and allowed myself to treat me/parts of me like a nuisance and
in/through that relationship give my mind permission to suppress and
neglect parts of me which means that i will always be and feel
unfulfilled.
I commit myself to listen to my body
and to pay attention to the pains and dis-comforts manifesting in my
body as i see, realize and understand that those are important
indicators and key points in my process of self-equality.
I see, realize and understand that i
have the ability to see and investigate the points of pain and
dis-comfort in detail and specificity and as i move my self into and
through them in writing and self-forgiveness, they will open up, as i
open up and reveal my self to Me and in that develop and deepen
self-intimacy.
I commit myself to see and realize that
there is a push necessary to move through the force-field of denial
around certain points within me and i commit myself to give myself
that push and live self-inquiry and courage as look at and open up
pains and dis-comforts within me.
Fear of Conflict = Conflict in Self = Fear of Self
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of telling people at work, my supervisors that i have an additional job and that will not be there two days a week.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear to tell them because i fear what they will think of me or that they will react in a negative manner and say that this is not a good idea
I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that i use/abuse the fear as a protection and defense mechanism so that i do not have to tell them and face what they have to say about it, without even knowing what they have to say about it.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to expect facing a conflict with my superiors if i tell them about my parallel job and i don't want to talk to them about it because i think it is my decision, my business
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel righteous about taking on this second job and about not telling them, and this righteousness of „It is my life“ is what keeps me stuck/chains me to the fear as a protection/defense mechanism.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict and that there might ensue a conflict and then i fear that i would get angry or energetic towards them and that i have to „stand up for“ and defend/justify myself – not seeing or realizing that the conflict is in FACT WITHIN ME.
I fear that i will/might not be able to do everything at once or that i will not get both points done in the time i have, yet on the other hand want get everything done. The Key here is the Self-Doubt, Fears, Worries and concerns within me – that i then project onto my colleagues and supervisors.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior and as if i let C or the whole point down in having a second job next to the masters thesis and that i apparently not put my all into it
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed my thoughts/projections of what others might think of me because of taking on a second job get the better of me and overwhelm me to the point of believing thoughts like „it is to much, you wont make it, you have not enough time“ and so on, while in fact in the physical i have time that i can effectively use to already start writing for example
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to project my own inner conflict in relation to taking on a second job onto my superiors and other people in separation of myself instead of realizing that the conflict is within me – between the confident, willing, stable and able me and the doubtful, fearful and insecure me the comfort-Zone me, the easy way me, the only do as much as necessary me– where the second one is what i am used to, that which is familiar.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that a lot to do, needs to equate to stress or fear or overwhelmingness – instead of realizing that it should equate to action, balance and physical participation
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate sheduling my day and sticking to it, and effectively working through the tasks i give myself – creating a balanced life for self, with hard work and hard free time lol
Morning
– Wake up at 5:10 – breathe, wake up, physical awareness
exercise, writing
6-7
Rating, reading, showering, get things done...Flat, Emails, DIP
This
blog was inspired by a moment of seeing that i went into judgment
for not keeping a commitment to consistently write for 21 consecutive
days about a particular point – when i looked at the moment of
making the commitment, i say that the fear of failure/falling in my
commitment was already there in the moment of decision as a „integral
part“ of the commitment.
I
forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear to fail at
something
I
forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see,
realize and understand that the fear of failure is a system mechanism
through which i prevent myself from realizing and living my
potential.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to from the
get go when starting, doing, beginning something new, accept and
allow the fear of failure or falling to be a part of that decision
and so i accept and CREATE the EXPERIENCE of FAILURE and Falling
while in FACT - in Life -, there is no matter of failing or falling
at all.
I
forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see,
realize and understand that that which i might perceive/experience as
a failure/mistake/disfortune in one moment might be a door into a
whole new dimension/perspective/aspect of my self or world that can
open up for myself by embracing without judgment.
I
forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see and
realize that everything is in reverse, we are „the fallen“, a
fallen humanity, fallen gods and that all those „external“
„achievements“ or „successes“ i can try to create and define
myself to are in fact „small, limited, dimished“ to only one
aspect of who i am, are in fact „substitutes“ for Self, my
beingness, awareness – thus, whenever i fail at something external
and that throws me back onto myself...it is not in fact bad, it might
be „good“ if it brings me closer to me/self-equality, because all
those external points are only „one-point-manifestations“ where
when „achieving it“ or „succeeding“ i experience my SELF for
a moment, yet it does not last – it is a Substitute for Self.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to program
myself with the program of „Fear of failure/falling“.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to deny, hide
and suppress the fear of „failing and falling“ within me
every time i start/begin/do something new and then the whole time
doing it – because then i can continue to see/experience myself as
„succeeding, committed, brave, getting somewhere“ IN MY MIND,
while at the same time working against myself with/through/as fear of
failing so that i do not fully have to take responsibility for
„actually doing/making it“.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel
righteous in/as the fear of failure/falling, where i look at my past
and go „Yeah see, how often you fucked up, how you fucked up, why
should it be different this time“ not seeing that this is more a
judgment, that the energy of judgment is connected it and i am
looking through this judgment at my past and so all i will see are
„mis-takes, failure and barely-made-it`s“ instead of realizing
that all those experiences where already formed within and from a
starting-point of judgment and fear of failure/falling.
In
this, i forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to
see, realize and understand that i am separating myself from physical
reality and life within making projections or expectations that only
exist within my mind, meaning that i become a illusionary
character/personality that tries to make real/fulfill an imagined
point in reality and if that does not work out for some reason, as
this character i judge/blame and punish myself within the believe
that the „imagined point is me“, never considering what is/would
be actually best for all in a moment or point.
I
forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see,
realize and understand that the fear of failure/mistakes is actually
a application of me as the mind that knows/sees that it does not know
and does not have control over reality/life or how things play out,
yet still tries to gain control – it is imposing the illusion of
control.
I
forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace
and welcome the „Uncertainty“ and „Insecurity“ that physical
life in this world holds and brings.
I
forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to
notice/see how boring and repetitive Life would be if „everything
was certain/secure“.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to put value
on the „outcome“ of doing/starting something new, instead of
realizing and living the value in who i am within each step and each
act within/as the process/path of doing something new.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed the fear of
failure/mis-take to be a constant company within whatever i do/did in
my life and so i have never allowed myself to truly live and do what
i was doing to the fullest expression and potential of myself, in
self-trust, confidence and joy, but always on low flame, overshadowed
by fear of „failure, loss, mistakes“.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to limit and
diminish myself within the fear of failure/mistakes not seeing or
realizing that the fear of failure/mistakes itself is a application
of me as a limited character within/as my own mind.
Commitments
to/for Self:
When
and as i see that there is a fear of failure/falling within me,
before i even start doing something/when i decide to do something –
i stop and breathe – i realize that this is a flag-point to check
and correct my starting-point because who/what is experiencing this
„fear“ by acceptance and allowance is me as a character in and as
my own mind in separation of me here – thus, i take the
responsibility to in that moment align my starting-point back to my
self, here as life and i commit and walk from that starting-point to
align, substantiate, support and grow myself as life as who i really
am – in that i realize there is no failure or mis-take as i am
already fallen from who i really am - Thus i take a breath and give
myself permission to re-engineer this failure of/as separation into a
expression of equality and oneness with and as life.
I
commit myself to no longer use and abuse the fear of failure/mistakes
to stay in my comfort-zones or to justify giving up on something.
I
commit myself to realize and remember that in equality there is no
failure/mistakes – it only exists in the human mind, and is a
product of limited value/morality judgments imposed by a
mind-system, copied and trained by those that has gone before it –
which is why we tend to repeat the same mistakes over and over again,
unless we change and re-program our minds/selfs in a self-directed,
self-responsible manner to assist, support and serve us.
I
commit myself to let go of the program of fear of failure and the
judgment connected to failure/mistakes, as i see, realize and
understand that in essence it is not real, its an illusion i impose
onto myself as a mind-character, that i have chosen to play.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to „like
failure“
I
forgive myself that for accepting and allowing myself to like seeing
myself as a failure/mistake and imposing judgments as punishment
onto myself for „failing/mistakes“ and apparently being a
mistake/failure.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to like seeing
myself as a failure/mistake and for playing the
failure/mistake-character, because in that i can judge and pity
myself and in that abdicate my responsibility for who am and what i
do/accept and allow.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see and
define myself as a „tragical mistake/failure“, where i will stay
and wallow in that state and character instead of moving myself out
of it.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to decide to
play the failure-character to escape responsibility.
I
commit myself to when and as i see that i identify with or define
myself as a character of failure/mistake, to stop, take a breath and
move myself out of that character experience as i see and realize
that it is a character in/of the mind, not who i truly am as life.
I
commit myself to go beyond the concept of failure/mistakes as thought
in our schools and systems facilities and to disconnect and release
failure and mistakes from the energy connection of judgment.
I
commit myself to set myself free of the judgments of/for past
failure/mistakes – and instead give myself permission to live each
day fresh as a new life in absolute self-trust that i have and will
integrate what i have learned in/from past failures/mis-takes as past
lifes and thus live this present day to my utmost potential free from
fear.
So, one point that needs be laid out is how I meet N and the general situation/state I was in – the Beginning. Another point that poped up just now was the “holiday in Kroatia” with U, R, M and? Where there more? a female, the gf of R? – So when I write this I get constricted and kind a irritated, more from the Questions was there more? a female? – these are like brakes in my mind that hinder me to express and communicate with myself fluently because who else will it be that asks itself such Questions than The Mind which is Myself so I can see here my tendency to trap myself in the infinite details and the very self-doubt, fear of missing a point instead of realizing that the Mind is designed in such a way that it is layered and when I do not immedialty see a point of part then I will get to it while walking it will inevitably come up/or I to it and see it clear when it is here/I am the here = there
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that asking random questions within my writing is my mind – which shows me as a reflection of how I have allowed myself to set up myself, operate and exist in questioning and doubting every small detail/point of myself
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that it is self sabotage as fear of missing a point and missing self trust that keeps me from communicating with myself fluently
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I apply the exact same process in communication with others where I “watch” every word, I “judge” every word and question every single detail without realizing that this takes time – which gives me a perception of control, which is control – mind-control
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have deliberately programmed myself to slow my communication with myself and others down to such an extent that I “perceive to be in control of the communication” instead of realizing that what is in control is my Ego/Personality, set in stone as the graven image that wants to have power and control over what is communicated and shared so that it can keep the perception of Control
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this slowing down, questioning each word of my communication is a protection-mechanism of my Ego/personality so that nothing will be communicated that is of real support and assistance for who I really am as live
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that this questioning while writing or communicating with others IS the very manifestation of self-doubt as backchat where I chat back on myself as ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Channelling myself I a separte canal hook in the flesh what divert my walking of a specific point or communication in Oneness and Equality with myself and so functions as a brake and separation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to canal me, myself and my living into the very manifestation of self-doubt within and reflect it as shyness/questioning the agenda/intend of the other being or points without
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear of missing a point to define who I am as my communication – in this really missing a point: self that is nowhere to be found when I exist in a separate room of fear and doubt
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept fear of missing a point to determine who I am in and as communication
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the fear of missing a point implies that there is a point/a answer out there that is separate from me
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I was/am constantly in every communication/RELATIONSHIP searching for an answer for myself to “who I really am”
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this questioning and doubting is not me as life of oneness and equality as who I really am but my mind asking/assessing “is this point really me = is it equal to my programme, compatible” trying to find an answer to and understand itself so the ultimate self-sabotage because I will not find myself in another so I have to go on searching for ever in total and absolute separation as a individualized mind searching for the “perfect match” = “itself” in-to INFINITY
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a desire to “going deeper into the point” when I am faced/presented with a question within my mind that is not fully self-directed = self-doubt – instead of realizing that this is going into the rabbit-hole of the mind and leading me astray from walking what I can see clearly and WITHOUT thinking/asking/questioning
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself that I will get all the points when it is relevant and to walk them when I can see them here clearly as myself as I realize “The points is me, I am here = the points is here and will not “get lost””
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear “losing my points” instead of realizing that only the mind will “fear losing points” and that this is actually a protection mechanism to “go into the point as the mind” so to cling onto the point by making a maze out of it
I forgive myself that I have allowed the Bachchat of “Was this really everything? there must be more to it? did I get all the points? Wasn’t there more?” to come up and exist within my mind while writing or communicating – instead of realizing that this is the Minds Backchat as Selfdoubt manifest that leads me to get stuck on a singular point that instead of walking and releasing, letting go - is “make up” and create lots of additional bullshit around
When and as I see myself questioning myself in my mind while writing – I stop and breathe – I realize that this is a manifestation of Self-doubt as the mind chatting back on me, trying to cling on a singular point that is not “clear to see” – I realize that there is no way to clear up a point through questioning it in/as the mind – I SEE a point as myself or I let it go in absolute self-trust that it will come up and be here for me as me to face when relevant. I stop the desire to go into the point and walk my self-communication/writing in/as breath
When and as I see myselfphysically constricting or “getting stuck” while writing – I stop and breath – I realize that CON-striction is a fear or anxiety that is limiting my in my ability to see into my and communicate with myself – I embrace the constriction and the fear as me and see “what it is” and forgive myself in the moment, when not possible then I WRITE the constriction/stuckness fear out, just like above to find/see/understand “what is causing it” and “what is it” – I de-CON-strict myself as I de-CON-struct myself in the PHYSICAL applications of Writing/Self-forgiveness/Self-correction in and as Breath
I commit myself to realize and that every detail or reaction in thoughts or my physical while writing and/or communicating is important and shows me to myself – thus I pay attention
I commit myself to realize that questioning and asking myself back on me is not “normal” and a point of Self sabotage and Mind control that I have come to accept and live as “normal” in the fear of loss and the protection of my self-interest as Ego/Personality
I commit myself to stop and change this behaviour-pattern to free me in self-communication and the communication with other
I commit myself to see and show how this behaviour-pattern of the mind is a part/component of the gametheory that is looking at reality as strategic war for the survival of self-interest of a entity Ego/personality – thus I support myself to deconstruct my walls and bunkers of (Self) doubt to birth myself from the ashes of the cold war against myself - equal and one as life
SO – this shows me that the memory beyond/under the constriction/questioning/Selfdoubt is “IMPORTANT” – for the MIND
I have often felt
that I am not good enough and not fitting with other people, I have long times
not enjoyed conversation/communication because I have thought that I have
noting to talk about and while communicating with random beings/in society I
constantly think I am at the wrong place, I can not express/share who I am
nobody wants to hear “that”, and that what I have to say is not good (enough)
or bad news.
Thus I hold back in communication and nearly not ever simply speak
I think-speak. I control very specific what I say and judge every word to “stay
in character” which was often like being a rock-manifestation especially with
“new” beings or beings I would experience feelings towards, where I would
feel/experience something that I could not deny I would go into this
shutting-down – It is like ultra-hard to imagine me simply expressing to a
female that I enjoy her for whatever reason “I enjoy your presence – I like
you” or similar physical-expressions as laughing, smiling, having “fun”
together or talking words that create energy as/of like a “normal
friendship/relationship” expressing appreciation, affection, sympathy (and I
see/experience myself right now having as sarcastic/judgemental/spiting grin
“What bullshit – that does not exist”) or also/even with males I would in all
my relationships/friendships doubt myself and the validity of the expression as
“Fake/Masquerade” and accordingly
experienced myself as an actor.
I realize that I have never communicated with
anyone not even myself. When I had friends visiting or was visiting friends
this was always literally an “Act” where I was really anxious and thinking, thinking,
thinking …acting, acting, acting in a certain way. I mean sometimes this flowed
pretty easy because I was so “in love” with my role that I identified myself
with it so much that I did not at all realize I am acting in a certain role
with this or this being – Also this Acts and roles had different time-frames
and can seem to last for fucking ever so that in the middle – the climax – all
the feelings and emotions make the drama seem quite real.
A Relationship is
like a movie within oneself, more specifically such a “film-reel” in an old
theatre: It has a beginning and an end and in the middle: Flickering light as pictures
projected onto the surface of a wall. These projections of dark become the wall
-the veil- of separation from each other. And then the film runs out and the
roll rotates unless in the dark.
For the most part I
was than rather glad when I was alone again and I felt/experienced it actually
as draining to be with others and participate for a period of time because it
like inevitably lead to acting in a character what cost energy – interesting to
see now that I would experience myself often like not necessarily abused but
pushed up and in kind of a energetic rush after visits of/by beings, where I
had firstly to create and then fuel the emotional/energetic experience towards
other beings so to participate with them within the specific construct of
relations = relationship in the
known/minded way.
The residual energy-creation stayed for a while and let then
to a low or feeling wired. Fuck, I see how I have already on the way to beings
often generated energy and so-to-speak uploaded a specific personality through
for example Music, singing, thinking or previously also lots with drugs! before
meeting beings, going out or being visited.
In Germany there
is/we have a downright ritual before u go to a party or otherwise out the
beings meet up in someones place zum/to “Vor-Saufen”/ “PRE-BOOZE” –lol that´s a
word…preboss pre-BOSS – preparing the/to boss lol generating the ego and
booozzzinnngg away any kind of fear before one is even able to leave the
house…yeah I know this-one … is like setting the illusion-projector on full
power to please not in any way see what is really going on – within oneself.
As
everyone does this and only project the own illusions it becomes clear why
communication does not exist only pre-programs running messing up the place.
These are some points
where/why/how I have separated myself from simply expressing myself in the
moment and communication with beings because I am apparently not able to enjoy
myself with others. I see that I only THINK that I do not enjoy or am able to
enjoy myself with others and I see that the behaviour that I really liked in my
ex-partner as directly expressing herself in the moment WITHOUT THINKING OR
JUDGING what I “feel/experience about the situation and/or others” is the
solution to my apparent disability to enjoy myself in communication with others–
also in the realisation that whatever I feel/think about others is in fact me
judging me. Participation instead of Speculation.
