Sleeping - Tiredness

Sleeping

So, this post is about the sleeping-point and how I have accepted and allowed myself to let this point slip and manifest into an energyaddiction and hiding-place to not face myself and take responsibility throughout my day. Now I was quite aware of the point over the last 2 months or so but rather let myself more and more go in it, instead of directing and disciplining me to not oversleep.

It is clear to me that sleeping for around 5-6 hours is beneficial for various reasons. When I sleep for less that six hours I am less foggy throughout the day, which actually starts already immediately after awakening: I stand up within the first time the alarm goes of = 5 min and in this I do not allow myself to think (as much) and project all kinds of scenarios for my day -which are not even real “scenarios” as looking what I can/have to do, how I can organize my day in a self-supportive manner, but rather fear-based as “I have to do this, this, this,…” and sometimes I would really get a shock as an adrenaline-rush while lying in bed in half-sleep half-awake-state – which I do and participate in when I allow myself to give in an stay lying in bed and turning around for the 5 time after I initially woke up, literally “turning my back on life”.

So this mind-participation as turning-away/refusal and resistance I carry through my day when I give in to the apparently so convenient and comfortable energetic-experience of lying in bed. Today a memory of my father calling someone a “Sleeping-pill” came up and it’s like the best to describe the drugged, heavy feeling that I am facing and having accepted and allowed myself to accumulate in the Mornings.

Besides this there is the point of having more time when I sleep less, and what I have seen come up with this were thoughts of “What should I do with the whole day” “so much time”                   

which shows clearly the abdication of self-responsibility that I have allowed to use the sleep/tiredness as an excuse for – it was actually a fear towards having more time, so  I have to do more = fear of taking responsibility and facing myself in doing what i have to do.

As I was starting to participate with Desteni I had for about 4 weeks a night-job. In this time I would usually sleep short, around 5 hours and get up at midday – I would try to stay as much with and as breath as possible and had no problems with the sleep. Also, after starting to apply self-forgiveness I started to pay attention to the point, yeah …mainly with Jacks Self-forgiveness … this was really a completely new perspective on sleep/tiredness that made complete sense. The self-forgiveness spoken aloud had an immediate effect on me and it is very interesting because even now after having it spoken often I still see or realize or understand something “more” or a different perspective that I haven’t seen yet.

I have never really made it to pull through the 21days with less then 6 hours sleep and I see that here lies one of the accepted and allowed sources of the experience I face now. I have always allowed myself to fall on this because “its just sleeping” and “generally I stick to the six hours” but I kind of let this back-door for myself to when I want to sleep longer, which was basically bullshit and also how I have participated in it, because I would judge me for oversleeping when I slept more then what I should.

Cool, here I see the fuckup that the should and should nots can create because I am apparently bad I do something that I shouldn’t and I am good when I do what I should and in this I give ground to compare me, judge me and punish me or praise me = I define myself according to how much I sleep as a good/bad person instead of simply living by the principle of what is best for all as sleeping necessary amount to rest my human physical body and for the rest of the time support myself awake as a-life.

So this positive charge on sleeping “less than I usually do” and that “I would like to” shows that I have defined this point of sleeping as “a loss” and that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself because I have managed to some degree to sleep less.

This point came also up clearly as I was staying with my parents this summer and also work, I would stay up longer then them often read or write and especially my father would ask me “Don’t you ever go to bed?” and I would say “No, not yet” and I would feel superior and in fact self-righteous even if I would not admit it back then – because I remember looking at the point, so I can see that the point did come up but I could/did not face it to protect my ego. Because that is what I used the point for: To define myself as superior/better than my parents

In the last two-tree months I have let go of directing my sleeping-pattern more and more, where it was in the beginning only like one or two days a week that I would “oversleep” and immediately judged myself for it. So this starting-point of more-ality and superiority was the reason why I had to eventually fall on this point. The starting-point was of self-interest.

I went with it, stopped judging myself for oversleeping and developed a sleeping-pattern of sleeping about 6-8 hour hours with intense indulgence on the weekends, sometimes up to 10 hours. Nevertheless I would be tired and groggy/foggy throughout the day. I the mornings i would resist standing up and lay in bed for half an hour up to an hour – UUHHHAAA, I don’t want to get up…just let me sleep for another hour. This resistance I can also feel physically as Back-chat where my face is like pulling down and additional layer of …I concrete I wanted to write, lol…it feels like a layer of some kind of energetic fibre/cloth. 

Sometimes this resistance and refusal to get up was experienced to such an extent I would literally “scream” in my mind to “stand the fuck” up – you have stuff to do and then ignore it and turn around saying fuck you = already a big battle in the morning.

What I found with this resistance was that I created it to generate energy to do stuff that I ref-use-d ( re-fuse-d, re-for-use-d; reject for use...later) to do e.g. writing/working on the diploma thesis what is mostly related to not trusting myself. At some point I would then “jump up” and rush through my day in a anxious and intensely energetic way, what I “enjoyed” for the sake of the “rush” – from a certain (ego) perspective.

This resistance is connected to the idea of freedom the freedom to do what I want, looking back the freedom “from the system” “freedom from work” in sleeping long/oversleeping on the weekends – which is actually quite ironic because on the only free days what I had with working in the system I slept more half the day and in this wasted the time I had free for me, however also the way we have accepted and allowed the current working and economic-system to work in and as a polarity of leisure/free time and work for/in the system …which can also be equated to spending money and accumulating money.

It is the apparent freedom to not face myself, the believe that I can hide from myself “by freechoice” that I can/could choose to not face myself and world/reality = a backdoor and not possible in common sense: I will awake again and everything will still be here to be faced … only accumulated and less time. So there only one choice possible and that is to apply self-honesty in common sense or remain self-dishonest in/as ego.

Freedom is the Choice to apply Self-honesty, Self-forgiveness and Self-correction in every Moment of Breath until all Life is free all-ways HERE  

Connected to and a outflow of this resistance was a perception of power and control that I found also connected to and in Childhood/Teen-memories. My mother would wake me up for school in the mornings and I remember that I often would simply stay in bed until she would shout my name few times. I actually enjoyed my apparent power to stay lying in bed and not getting up just because she said it, which is again only ego and not wanting to face my day which was at this time – interestingly enough – also the “challenges” of self-expression and self-expansion = growth as I was in a “new big school”. This is fucked, what I actually did and do with this resistance is to define fear and suppression (= limitation) of self-expression and self-expansion as power and control.

That is stupid, lol, to believe that limiting self-growth is power and control…it is fear of loss.

So with sleeping as long as I want I am limiting my growth as self because of fear to loose “my freedom” the illusion of free-choice that I could possibly not face myself and remain ignorant to life

A general point about sleeping/tiredness is that I have layered the point with various connections and experiences, memories etc. Meaning that I would remove/see/forgive one point like the memory of “resistance to mother” and then have the mentioned freedom/work point come up. This are more like the foundational points or personality-patterns but there are also very specific things like the term “rude awakening/Übles Erwachen” that was connected to druguse/alcohol and literally not wanting to face myself in the mornings. So jeah, I guess through have now a basic overview of my past-experiences towards sleep/tiredness and now it´s to discipline me and assert myself to walk this into the common sense correction of aligning myself to 5-6 hours sleep a night.

As I was looking at the word work in self-forgiveness and the words I have connected it to the word tired was on the list. I started self-forgiveness and came exactly to the word tired, lol  there I stopped and left unfinished for the next days until the video-interview of Sunette came out “Mind-Challenges Faced with Sleeping” that was of great support to see what I am accepting and allowing in this point. Also it was like a kick in the ass to finally sort out and align this point/part of my life. Thanks, also cool the suggested application of correcting the posture.

Self-forgiveness on the word-connection of Work-Tired     

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word work to the word tired

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word work within the word tired

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word work and the word tired through defining the word work within the word tired in separation of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that work makes me tired, instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that participation in and as the mind makes tired because in the tiredness the mind shows me that it needs regeneration and rejuvenation – not me but the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in my ability to work through believing the mind when it tells me that it is tired, instead of realizing myself as work as one as equal to my human physical body where the cells work all the time in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that I only get tired and accumulate tiredness when I accept it as me through participation in the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify tiredness of the mind through having done work already or worked a lot, instead of realizing that in this I have allowed myself to separate myself from work as me. In this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from work with the outcome of manifesting tiredness, instead of standing one with and equal to whatever it is that I have to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate my day and my participation within my world and reality into things that I enjoy doing and term as leisure that I do as me and things that I do not like to do, that I term as work and from which I separate myself into working-personality, instead of remaining here as the breath doing whatever it is that has to be done in the moment one with and equal to the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist work to not face me as what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as a working-personality and instead I try to hide behind tiredness, sleeping and withdrawing myself from reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish for “all that work” to end, instead of realizing that “all this work” only exists as a future-projection within my mind

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize what it is that has to be done in the moment and do it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create future-projections as time-dimensions within my mind in and as which I enslave myself as movement as work, that I fill with all my fears and desires of what I must do and what I want to do, in which I get stuck and overwhelmed with, that are simply not reality here, instead of working with what is here in the moment as the breath constant, continuously here

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that it is not the actual points/experiences/work that I fear and that I hide from in and as tiredness and sleeping but my mind-projections of this points/experience/work

So I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the tiredness and the desire to sleep I experience at the moment is a mechanism in/of the mind to not do what needs to be done and face myself in the fear of change and fear of loss

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist my situation of getting effective in using my time as breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist facing to decide/educate myself about what I want to do next in my life

I forgive myself for accepted and allowing myself to resist taking responsibility in dedicating myself to writing the diploma thesis

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist facing self-doubts every moment of breath through living action in self-honesty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowed myself to create an energy addiction to tiredness and sleepy druggy convenience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need more than 5 hours sleep to be fully rested and ready to start my day, instead of being honest with myself in the realisation that I actually was more stable and aware with 5-6hours sleep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the energetic addiction to sleep and tiredness as a separation-cloak with the excuse that “I have worked so much – It’s the work”, instead of being honest with myself in seeing that I actually was not working so much as well as not as effective/productive in the time of working that I could be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe the thoughts in my mind that oversleeping/sleeping long and as “I desire” without discipline is supporting me with work that I have to do, because then I am apparently well rested

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see that in the morning-hours when I lie in bed for another hour because “its so convenient” and “I just do not want to get up already now” I am at the same time accumulating self-judgements as fear about what I have to do and that I should the fuck get up – to generate energy from conflict to generate the mind and personalities to not have to face the points in my world as myself

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see that in this I am not well rested but charged with back-chat energy created from fears, judgement, conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is to be well rested when actually I am charged/pumped with fear/judgement energy and within this I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself and see and accept that 5-6 hours sleep is sufficient to be well rested as the physical body and breath is here always even while sleeping – thus everything else is a energetic mind-fuck of tiredness that can be walked through and stopped over time   

Self-Realizations

I realize and accept that participation in and as the mind makes tired because in the tiredness the mind shows me that it needs regeneration and rejuvenation

I realize and accept that I only get tired and accumulate tiredness when I accept it as me through participation in the mind

I realize and accept myself as work as one as equal to my human physical body where the cells work all the time in every moment of breath

I realize and see that I have separated myself from work as me

I realize and live myself as one and equal to whatever it is that has to be done

I realize and accept myself as breath doing whatever is to do in the moment one with and equal to the moment

I realize and accept that “all this work” only exists within and as future-projection within my mind

I realize and accept what it is that has to be done in the moment and do it

I realize and accept myself as working with what is here in the moment as the breath continuously, constant here

I realize and accept that the tiredness and the desire to sleep that I experience at the moment is a mechanism of/in the mind to not really face myself in the fear of change and fear of loss

I realize and accept that I actually was more stable and aware with 5-6hours of sleep

I realize and accept that through sleeping more and “as I desire” I actually was not working so much as well as not as effective/productive in the time of working that I could be

I realize and accept that in the morning-hours when I lie in bed for another hour because “its so convenient” and “I just don’t want to get up already now” – I am at the same time accumulating self-judgement as fear about what I have to do and that I should get the fuck up- to generate energy from this conflict for the mind and personalities to not have to face specific point in my world as myself

 I realize and accept that 5-6 hours of sleep is sufficient to be well rested as the physical body and breath is always here, even while sleeping – so everything else – believe of needing more sleep- is a energetic mind-fuck of accepted and allowed tiredness that can be walked through and stopped

Corrective Statements

When and as I feel tired while working or blame tiredness on work – I stop and breathe – I realize that who I am as breath as life is not tired, what is tired and creates tiredness is the mind of separation – I realize myself equal as work as breath as the moment

When and as I see myself desiring to sleep more than 6 hours or wanting to justify it in any way – I stop and breathe – I realize and accept that 6 hours are enough as well as my self commitment, everything else is a mind-fuck – I push through the resistance to get out of bed or the energetic experience of tiredness – I breathe here

Masturbation

Masturbation. A „hot“ topic…nearly everyone does it or at least has done it. And that which have never done it, also have now the chance to hear and be given perspective of what they are not doing. Basically it is irrelevant if you do it or not, because we –both groups- have a lot of definitions and judgements about masturbation and also sex, but do we really know what is going on when we participate in masturbation? We know that it “feels good” but why and what is that feeling?

When I was younger there was this saying: Masturbation makes you blind or you get a crippled back. Is this true??

What happens when we indulge in porn and masturbate? How does masturbation influence our relationships with other beings? Does Masturbation cause a possession?

Has masturbation something to do with consumerism?

The video-Interview “Shocking Secrets of Masturbation“ is the introduction of a series of   video-Interviews giving perspective on what exactly happens in the mind-consciousness-system of a being while masturbation and the “how come”, the development of masturbation from an individual and broader perspective. The videos are now available on Eqafe and a fascinating opportunity to see and understand in detail what is really going on when we “jerk off” or “give ourselves the kick”.

So check it out and educate yourself! Best to know what you’re doing.

I have heard the first one of the videos-interviews and was baffled as I saw today how a flirting-site is using exactly the presentations and mechanisms shared in this video. So I am already excited to hear the further perspective.

Video-Interviews on Eqafe    

Shocking Secrets of Masturbation 1 - Relationship Imprinting

Shocking Secrets of Masturbation 2 - The Masturbation God
 
Shocking Secrets of Masturbation 3 - Personifying Masturbation

Shocking Secrets of Masturbation 4 - Separation of Expression in Sex and Relationships

Shocking Secrets of Masturbation 5 - Creating the Internal Masturbation Reality

Coffee

This post is about coffee to look at my relationship with this drink over the last ten years or so.

In my teens I did not like or drink coffee in fact I rather was disgusted by it, which has something to do with the fact that I connected it to coffee parties and in this to “old females chatting”. I always tried to escape this points where I would have to present myself as a “well-behaved” boy. I kind of felt overwhelmed by their chattering what i especially disliked/hated was standing by when my mother and other relatives where talking about me – while I was standing by. Also a specific aunt comes to my mind and that always wanted to hug one…however it could also be that I kind of adopted this dislike for her from my mother something along those lines comes up. It´s interesting because I can see this same behaviour of taking possession within my mother and …within myself, lol.

I drank tea at this time and this had become and been my morning-drink. Black-tea with honey/sugar and lemon. I remember how I was really completely foggy and half sleeping until I drank the first sips of the tea and I experienced an immediate shift in my perception to: awake/aware – I can also look at it from the perceptive that besides sugar this was my first drug and also that from the whole point I created a believe that I need a special drink or concoction to “experience myself” to be awake and aware.

This point is also promoted in media already for kids  –as myself back then-, when I look at the Asterix Comics and Films were Miraculix brews the “magic elixir” that gives the normally small and from a perspective inferior Asterix immediate power and strength to move the next best fucking rock. Or “Popeye the Sailor” with his spinach-mindfuck!

My first experience with “coffee” was not as coffee but with caffeine as a substance. On the way to make holydays with a few friends in Croatia and I was kind of tired or bored. Also I was already into drugs at that time and so this was like “just another drug”. I made the connection to coffee as a drug and stimulant before i even tasted coffee itself, as said rather disliked it and also caffeine-based products such as energy-drinks, what may have its origin in a situation where I saw a school colleague having a circulatory collapse after drinking Red Bull. I have spited him because of “such a small drink knocks him out” also because he was physically superior and his was a chance to take revenge in my mind. Another point is that I must have defined and created a believe from this that “Red Bull = Caffeine has an effect/strong effect” when it even knocks this physically strong being out. So that I had like “my reasons” to stay away from coffee and energy-drinks till this holiday. I also had no reason to use caffeine-based products because I like “had enough energy”, actually I did also not want to be more awake or stimulated in this way, because I was smoking a lot of pot at this time and I preferred that. Actually I judged and questioned beings that did use coffee/caffeine.

It is fascinating to see how it was always about the effect of coffee for me – Which is a believe.

Shortly after this I started to work and after work would be the first times that I would really feel tired – something that I did not experience in school were one is rather undermoved – unmotivated to do something with the remaining day. I started then drinking energy-drink after work, immediately after work in the car and that would give me a “nice push” and a feeling of upliftment and I was like ready to forget work and do something else.

At work I started then also to drink coffee to the breaks in the morning and around this time started my whole “caffemania”. I bought myself such a very small coffee-machine with a filter that you can use 10000 times (or so) that makes one cup at a time, but you could vary how strong you want to make the coffee with putting more or less powder in. From then on this was the first thing to do in the morning. I also started buying coffee-cans on the way to the work. 

In this working-years i really mutated to a coffee-freak I wanted to write, however there was also my “private life/drug abuse” that facilitated this development because coffee and/or caffeine would be/become a substitute and “hangover-killer” to keep me going at all. To give me some kind of Push/Energy based on the believe that it i need it… this push and energy. Even in times were I was near crying and extremely jittery, in fear … I gave myself the next fear-push to jitter along lol omg…As I was working at a lab were we had caffeine stored, I would wait until the other workers were out of sight and than fast, fast open the locker get caffeine and vitamin C, mix and drink it, or do extensive quantities because of feeling “bored” …huge amounts of instant-coffee-powder only with warm water.

I kind of laugh about this insanity now, but on the other hand it is not so cool what I have like put my body trough and also my mind, I mean it was like a constant fear stimulation at this time, fear stress nervousness accu-mulation = sudden death

Since I am studying coffee has still been a important point and I also still noticed an effect, however also started more to enjoy it as such. It had become a habit as the first thing to do when i get into School to check out the coffee-machine and it has also remained the first thing to do in the morning…so no much change from the pattern-perspective.

With participating in Desteni, reading for example the perspective of a Coffee-Cup, and also stopping to add sugar to the coffee the energetic aspect and experience “greatly diminished” however it remained a habit and the first thing to do in the morning. Also I enjoyed coffee very much together reading/writing and computer-work lol coooofffffeee…!!

Now, in the process of stopping to drink other liquid then water, coffee had to go and there are a few interesting points that opened up since then. As I was deciding this I was like very excited/energetic to do this and laughed and like “yeah lets do this”.

 I went to a some friends on the evening and on the way I applied self-forgiveness on coffee and one of the first points was actually a fear of experiencing physical withdrawal-symptoms, but I did not realize it as a fear instead I ab-used self-forgiveness as:

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I will/can experience physical withdrawal from stopping coffee”

Actually I was covering up the “old fears” that I have created in relation to withdrawal-symptoms through experiences in the past.

I had back-chat coming up …actually the whole time from the decision … that “Now there is nothing left” “Now I have nothing more” – signifying THAT I HAVE seen and experienced it as a loss… what I wanted to initially overplay/override with “No problem, not for me…a challenge” which is Ego and in this I can see how I have done this with a lot of things, beings, points in my life because I did not want to face the “real me” as greed and desire for sth. special/specific = addiction

 There is also a quite “dangerous” believe coming up that I have programmed myself with:

“I can stop IT at anytime I want”

 

Which firstly implies separation in ME and IT and also Superiority to IT. I used this as a justification/make-believe in relation to my pot-habit/addiction towards my parents and also myself … when reality clearly showed another picture. I was not willing to practically prove or test this believe trough stopping… because I knew that then this part of my self(-religion) will stop and the shit beneath it will well forth.    

It is a sabotage-mechanism of the mind so that I do not do/stop something for real

It is a cover-up mechanism to hide and suppress fear of loss and fear of change

It is a mechanism to keep on going the same “deadly” road – the middle-road of I see something but I do not want to act on it

It is a protection mechanism for a part of my self-religion

It is a lack of understanding

When I look at it from the perspective of stopping myself as the mind and how I have allowed myself to play out and life this believe that is a cool starting-point for self-forgiveness

So - reality showed me also in this point of stopping coffee better then my believes and for three days or so I felt physically weak, like I am getting the flu, bone-aches and I was fucking tired and slept a lot. I was suspecting but not accepting that it could have to do with the coffee until I was one day doing the dishes and thinking about coffee. Something triggered it and I had a big desire come up, also for cigarettes…coffee and a cigarette lol. That the cigarette-point is still there with such a “powerful desire” astonished me but over the last days the connections unfold slowly.

While doing self-forgiveness the point came up that I have connected coffee to flavour – the flavour of life lol – and within this a memory of self-programming:

I was sitting with a friend that I admired for “his style” and being liked/popular at school in the room of my girlfriend. We had a little voice-recorder and a pack of cigarettes, as we tried to record something that was cool or funny we found the advertisement-sentence on the cig-pack: Come to where the flavour is – Come to Marlboro-Country. We repeated and recorded the sentence like a hundred times or so, imitating each other emphasizing and pronouncing the sentence and words in “meaningful” “mysterious” ways lol and than hearing it again… I became quite fascinated with this and we laugh a lot = lots of emotions/feelings connected

With this sentence I sent myself in-to tense to search for the “flavour”…and where? In the fucking marlboro-country, the desert of self-abuse and addiction. My own Sentence according to my self-judgement that I am not good enough I need more “style” to be popular and liked

I really created a fucking voice in my head through repeatedly physically recording an advertisement combined with emotional participation

What is suggested in this advertisement is that the flavour is not here, the flavour is missing. Flavour of/as life obviously, and that “they have “they” flavour have the flavour and they are the tabak industry. The flavour of Life is defined in a stick that burns down and costs money.

Flavour also being equated with experience/freedom/adventure in my mind as well as in the advertisements for example the flavour of beer “frisisch herb” and then a stormy beach-scenery is presented with no people and an open wide sea…or a sailing ship. Choose your brainwashing!

Anyway, it is like I have defined the “flavour of life” in separation within something outside of me: drugs - and within this I have defined that I need something/a drug to experience something.

Coffee was now the last support-pillar of these substance-addictions/habits and thus the thoughts of “Now I have nothing left”  “Now I have nothing anymore”

Another interesting aspect is that I have seen and defined coffee as some kind of “luxury-item” and thus it is reflecting wealth to be able to drink coffee. I want to wonder “from which century is this believe” but in fact coffee is in our current system a luxury-item that not every being can afford and so it is/can be a point of worth-judgement and separation if one is not aware of it.

 Historically –for those that have gone before us- it was something special and scarce. A believe that is now used in the brainwashing of our system.

That is an interesting topic in it self and I am wondering: Will coffee still exist in an Equal Money System…Maybe I come back on this point later.