Ok, today i woke and got up on time then again created a situation where i had to hurry to get the train to work.
I actually wanted to write "stress" and that brings me to another "big" - at moment - point that is playing out for basicly the wohle time i am at work again. I work with a female being that i would strongly react to based on past participiation but this is not "all". Basicly the actual patterns is: The being expresses that she has this and that to do, so much work, creates and expresses possible scenarios of what may happen or we at work will have to to and then plans how to "manage" them often based on speculation:" I have heard that possibly we have to work night-shifts then -... needs the product" or she gets/is involved highly emotional with the work and expresses "anger" very often.
So in the first time i reacted to her in a "calming/caring/understanding" way as "past-participiation" relived, but i also saw that i get Ego out of that and my backchat was:
I have to help/support her because she is constantly stressed/angry
Her behaviour of creating stress is unefficent
She wants to be importent/noticed
This is self-created to define her ego as important
She fears losing control / her job
Also there was my behaviour of unceartainty and asking for lots of things and even letting explain things again feeling infearior when being explained something. I realized that this is lot of definitions from the past that i created myself by putting myself in this role of "being directed/infearior/victim" and in this "So i have not to allow this - i have to expand - participate to my ability and take resposebility for what is here in the moment/place" - I also had the tought "I have to be careful to not go into the opposite of participiation in Ego - Not to stand up as Ego" But we are as Egos in a world of Egos and in this created some Power-games or playouts as for example. I would direct a task on the phone, with our "boss" also present, that call i would normaly given to her "She knows what to do/She should decide" but decided to do it, because i was on the phone and "why not, i also know what to do?". As our boss walked out she says "we rather should do it so and so"- which would be a little bit different, without actual effect, and phones back
Ok, so realized that i am also paricipating in Ego and that i do not really want and need to because it is not really what is best for all as it creates friction and tension and decided to "cut back" in a way - I noticed that i tend to want to take all over and then have it my way - So on Friday i was then quite possed by Ego.
The point why i react that much to her opend up from the judgment of "Creating stress/lots stuff in the mind to feel important" as i do exactly the same "Creating lots of points in my mind that "I" then "have to/can/must" sort out" instead of walking here in/as BREATH AS SIMPLICITY
One point as a memory i write out tomorrow came up from: Why do i go into separation when anger is experessed in my enviroment?
Monday, September 5, 2011
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Writing 04092011
Since the last entry here i have not been writing as such, only for the DIP-assignement and the reason is quite clear: I do not want to face myself
I realize how beneficial writing in the evenig and had often thoughts "I should write about this" and this and this ... but did not actually live my words as thoughts: So as the first thing today:
I commit myself to "21 days of Writing" here on the blog to establish stability in self-expression as writing and relationship with self
One of the points i did/do not want to face is procrastination and especially the assignment, which i wanted to finish till 25.08.-exactly the day i stopped writing- Ok, i had the same or similar point last month and in general with learning/studing: I simply procrastinate work and/or do only what i want/like to do and start with the work i "have to do" late creating tension, feeling of obligation/have to do - this is not beneficial - I then have the "point"/what i have to do constantly on my mind - creating separtion - when i am then applying myself/study, for example in the assignment, i experiance (feelings/emotions) the point of "I have to get this done" which originates from thoughts " I have to get this done by then (date)" whitout application = Backdoor or permission to not participate right now - ...by then (date) seems far away
So i have created a pattern with the DIP where i would do half a month or so "only reading"/taking in = what i like/enjoy and then slowly start practical application first with lots of breaks or only short lenght of time then hurry to "get it done"
This pattern has a lot of disatvantages for example "less time" to integrate and live the realization that comes with practical application and actually i do the opposite of "stopping the mind" in creating unnessecary self- judgment, self-defeat, stress, anger/frustration etc.- that i do not even see ... or I deny - and then blame my enviroment for. This whole pattern is a POLARITY.
The correction is to consistantly apply practically myself in whatever it is i want to do - continiously from the BEGINNNG TILL IT IS DONE
Another point that is quite clear - and is connected - is that i blame my enviroment or/and the situation for not being supportive to do this:
My reactions with/in relation to parents (self-allowed) -> creating points "to work on" in the mind to further stuff myself up -> preoccupation
---there i allow really stupid stuff like sitting in the livingroom with them while writing/studing material, which is
not supportive to self-investigate (TV, Speaking) but think i have to do this to "stopp my reactions in this situations" thinking if i avoid them if go in another room-> It is simply common sense to learn/study/apply where it supports me
Working 8 hours or so is "new" in the context of "process" so i noticed justifications like "Yeah, i have to work now and this is the cause", when it is not...- I also applied the same pattern last month!
I realize how beneficial writing in the evenig and had often thoughts "I should write about this" and this and this ... but did not actually live my words as thoughts: So as the first thing today:
I commit myself to "21 days of Writing" here on the blog to establish stability in self-expression as writing and relationship with self
One of the points i did/do not want to face is procrastination and especially the assignment, which i wanted to finish till 25.08.-exactly the day i stopped writing- Ok, i had the same or similar point last month and in general with learning/studing: I simply procrastinate work and/or do only what i want/like to do and start with the work i "have to do" late creating tension, feeling of obligation/have to do - this is not beneficial - I then have the "point"/what i have to do constantly on my mind - creating separtion - when i am then applying myself/study, for example in the assignment, i experiance (feelings/emotions) the point of "I have to get this done" which originates from thoughts " I have to get this done by then (date)" whitout application = Backdoor or permission to not participate right now - ...by then (date) seems far away
So i have created a pattern with the DIP where i would do half a month or so "only reading"/taking in = what i like/enjoy and then slowly start practical application first with lots of breaks or only short lenght of time then hurry to "get it done"
This pattern has a lot of disatvantages for example "less time" to integrate and live the realization that comes with practical application and actually i do the opposite of "stopping the mind" in creating unnessecary self- judgment, self-defeat, stress, anger/frustration etc.- that i do not even see ... or I deny - and then blame my enviroment for. This whole pattern is a POLARITY.
The correction is to consistantly apply practically myself in whatever it is i want to do - continiously from the BEGINNNG TILL IT IS DONE
Another point that is quite clear - and is connected - is that i blame my enviroment or/and the situation for not being supportive to do this:
My reactions with/in relation to parents (self-allowed) -> creating points "to work on" in the mind to further stuff myself up -> preoccupation
---there i allow really stupid stuff like sitting in the livingroom with them while writing/studing material, which is
not supportive to self-investigate (TV, Speaking) but think i have to do this to "stopp my reactions in this situations" thinking if i avoid them if go in another room-> It is simply common sense to learn/study/apply where it supports me
Working 8 hours or so is "new" in the context of "process" so i noticed justifications like "Yeah, i have to work now and this is the cause", when it is not...- I also applied the same pattern last month!
Thursday, August 25, 2011
25.08.11 Writing: Heaven or Hell?
Today i woke up already with and "anger-possesion" where i would have Backchat in relation to work and parents and the interesting thing was that i was seeing that my "mood" has nothing to do with their actual presence - which i still sometimes connect/blame for my experiances within - so i was actually a bit "dissapointed" that noone was awake so i had to face that it is me allone that is creating the backchat.
I drew a card on the tarot today "the samuraijs pride" which shows basicly trough a story/anectode how ego opens the "Door to Hell" in our minds and the unconcious behaviours and patterns that are accepted and allowed within ourselves
So i applyed attention on this point and i came up rather quickly the first time on my way to the train-station when a being, also on a bike, smiled and i smiled back - i feeled good about that and cycled on. The next being did not smile and i was immediatly had thougths of "Why did she not smile...I am not good enough or she is an asshole blablabla" So i feeled !!!! not accepted and apreciated - rejected
At work this point came up "resonating" in my participiation sometimes rather subconciously/supressed (only feeling) but than one trigger fucked me up or set off a lot of memories/thouhgts/connections etc.
I opened a old email off a female and it said that she "have now already swapt the appointment for exam with xyz (other being) " and even if i saw clearly that this is bullshit, on another level i feeled rejected and jealous and not accepted- she values the other being more etc. That was but only the trigger which kicked in the emotions within myself : Selfblame, judgement, anger, regret etc.
I stood as the point of seeing this and not allowing complete possesion - with crying, weeping etc-, but i propably would have if no others would have been present - SHIT as i write it i see/realize that it is the OLD POINT of I WILL NEVER CRY because of a female again that has carved itself deep within myself - What i resist persists - Two memories came up in relation to it while happening: A girl, my neighbour in school, at the age of about 10 or so told me about her "phantasies of torturing men with taking out their guts" which brought up a picture in me of a kind of Hell - in the classic blood-red, lol - where males are tourtured by females also somehow connectd to beauty/attractiveness, the girl was very popular then.
And the other was me really going wild in the woods killing and masacering bushes/plants because a friend did not have time for me, did not want to have me with him ...or his mother?
So the EGO/ANGER/PAIN of (the PERCEPTION of) not being accepted/being rejected opens the the DOOR of HELL within my mind/psyche which contains the whole range of emotional turmoil
I drew a card on the tarot today "the samuraijs pride" which shows basicly trough a story/anectode how ego opens the "Door to Hell" in our minds and the unconcious behaviours and patterns that are accepted and allowed within ourselves
So i applyed attention on this point and i came up rather quickly the first time on my way to the train-station when a being, also on a bike, smiled and i smiled back - i feeled good about that and cycled on. The next being did not smile and i was immediatly had thougths of "Why did she not smile...I am not good enough or she is an asshole blablabla" So i feeled !!!! not accepted and apreciated - rejected
At work this point came up "resonating" in my participiation sometimes rather subconciously/supressed (only feeling) but than one trigger fucked me up or set off a lot of memories/thouhgts/connections etc.
I opened a old email off a female and it said that she "have now already swapt the appointment for exam with xyz (other being) " and even if i saw clearly that this is bullshit, on another level i feeled rejected and jealous and not accepted- she values the other being more etc. That was but only the trigger which kicked in the emotions within myself : Selfblame, judgement, anger, regret etc.
I stood as the point of seeing this and not allowing complete possesion - with crying, weeping etc-, but i propably would have if no others would have been present - SHIT as i write it i see/realize that it is the OLD POINT of I WILL NEVER CRY because of a female again that has carved itself deep within myself - What i resist persists - Two memories came up in relation to it while happening: A girl, my neighbour in school, at the age of about 10 or so told me about her "phantasies of torturing men with taking out their guts" which brought up a picture in me of a kind of Hell - in the classic blood-red, lol - where males are tourtured by females also somehow connectd to beauty/attractiveness, the girl was very popular then.
And the other was me really going wild in the woods killing and masacering bushes/plants because a friend did not have time for me, did not want to have me with him ...or his mother?
So the EGO/ANGER/PAIN of (the PERCEPTION of) not being accepted/being rejected opens the the DOOR of HELL within my mind/psyche which contains the whole range of emotional turmoil
Monday, August 22, 2011
Writing 22082011
Ok, my day started with an reation to an expression of a being in my world. The radio was reporting about the "riots" in Berlin, whit the burning cars and stuff. The being said "If it was my car then i would, beat them fuckers up" and i was very upset by the statement and tryed to apply the common-sense of that that violence will create vilolence and this will not stop...and eventually end up in civil war if every being would apply themselves in this way. I even brought up the "Eye for Eye - tooth for tooth" that he expressed from my perspective and the being held on to defend his apparent "right of possesion" etc...blahblah ... I had then quite some thoughts and also backchat running like "Oh shit, how will the world look if all this demonic stuff comes out - when the severity of the situation of the world compounds etc." also in relation to this being "He is lost / full of anger" and then slowly realizing that the point were never the burning cars or the guys that lit them but the anger within the being simply needed an trigger-point to flow out ... and i needed a trigger-point to apparently defend others/myself against anger.
Also see that i still sympathize with the "demonstraters", also i reacted to the point of "beliving in possesion and defening it" - exactly what i have done and "fear"doing again -
SO, my mind is tricky and it happens really fast, that if a point - for example Anger - is presented a little bit "different" i will tap in the trap and react...I mean i really felt as if i am right and have to intervene...jet i only reacted to anger and pushed my own ego - Also still here: Identification whit "Outlaws/Terrorists/Misfits" and a certain satisfaction with burning cars and buildings, like "finally something is happening/the people standing up" Nope, just SYSTEMS going WILD/CRAZY
Also see that i still sympathize with the "demonstraters", also i reacted to the point of "beliving in possesion and defening it" - exactly what i have done and "fear"doing again -
SO, my mind is tricky and it happens really fast, that if a point - for example Anger - is presented a little bit "different" i will tap in the trap and react...I mean i really felt as if i am right and have to intervene...jet i only reacted to anger and pushed my own ego - Also still here: Identification whit "Outlaws/Terrorists/Misfits" and a certain satisfaction with burning cars and buildings, like "finally something is happening/the people standing up" Nope, just SYSTEMS going WILD/CRAZY
Sunday, August 21, 2011
Writing 21082011
Today I was on an moutain, about 20 miles from where i live and that was pretty awesome! It is a cool opportuinity to "practice" Presence as every time i go into my mind -or allow thoughts of "uh this is hard, fuck this is hot etc" it - because if i allow that it WILL get "hard" to move. It was very hot today, over 30C and i pretty much enjoyed that - I drank 4 (or more) liters of water - looking at a waterbottle that I refilled i had great "idea" for a 21day-committment. The Bottle was originaly filled with some of this flavoured water with "cocus-limone-favour" and i read the slogan on the bottle:"You never have EXPERIANCED water like this" and thought that really all this drinks and sodas etc. are only water with SHIT added to make it apperantly special etc - clearly for profit - so the EXPERIANCE "only" water - as basicly the essence and/or main ingredient of most "living beings" of Earth - will be quiet cool! The point that came up for me to not do it right now is/was the COFFE that i please dont want to let go of right now -not just today-lol
Things to do tomorrow:
DIP-Assignmet start it!
Create two other blogs!
finish writing of yesterday!
To do:
Demons in Germany!
Things to do tomorrow:
DIP-Assignmet start it!
Create two other blogs!
finish writing of yesterday!
To do:
Demons in Germany!
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Writing 20.08.2011
Its acctually the 21.08.11 by now, but this is quite irrelevant - Is it? Jet another day where i "missed" a chance to transcend a point - Did I? Or did i only not get what i want - Did i want what i believe that i wanted, or did i made i myself believe that i want what "wanted" by thinking? OK, I created confusion/compromise.
"It" started yesterday, as a (female) being/familymember - i did not see for about 3-4year - phoned and said "Hi, we have an attack on you, my man, a (female) friend and me want to go to this event in town - do you want to come with us?" I said spontaniously "Yes". What developed in the mind were two trains of thought: So you can see/face this being and what comes up to in that as there/are a few points of possible comparison/judgement in me like marriage, children etc. and the one which i gave more attention!! - as i SEE NOW - there is one single female being with them, thoughts came up that "they want to set something up/they want to help u"- memory: last relationship - set up by cousin - lolfuck, this is no coincidence etc. that i brought it back and was faced with my desire for basicly Sex/Relationship - that i am still not standing clear with -
So, today i was sawing wood with my dad my Backchat on this point went rampant - This is also pattern/experiance that when i push myself physicaly on some point desires come up - when i percive "it" gets hard and in this moments i can not express myself properly or stop myself as i "have to" go on doing what i am doing. For example: We went on a tour into the mountains and walked for about 6hours and i was feeling drained and exhousted, i looked at the ass of a femal walking in front of me which triggered desire - which i have not allowed to participate in, on this day - and thoughts. This cycled to the point where only "Sex,Sex,Sex..." was on my mind and i was complely possesed by this angry energy, we/i could not simply stop as it started to rain and not properly regulate myself in/as breath - later then i judged myself extensively eperianced Selfhate and applied selfforgiveness halfheartly which let to a strange/supressed experiance when in presence of the being
I have noticed that i also experiance desire for relationship (pictures/thougts of femals often that i defined as "superior") when struggling, with studying for example - a picturepresentation of a female to motivate me - but in this situations i can stop an breath and/or express Selfforgiveness it is also different energy.
Ok, lets continue with today...so i was a bit nervous before they would come to fetch me, as did not know what to expect, and also applied Selfforgiveness on relationship and saw that it is not what it is about and than on the opposite or for fearing relating etc jet i was only covering up myself and perpetuating the mind - SO, in essence i gave my attention and presence "away" to this points of apperant "self-knowledge" of good and bad should and/or should not -Separation- -
We had some smalltalk and went to the event.
MEMORYS are BITCHES -lol-hrrg-lol-
We talked about childhood - as we kids spent some time together in the family - and we had specific figures to play with - Some may still know HE-MAN (and SHE-RA) oh my god - as she said she had always to play as specific figure, i asked which figure i played and it was Stonedar - who can fold himself into a rock and thereby protect himself - fuck, this hit me or a flash of memorys/moments where i "was cold as a stone/turned into a stone/was fucking stoned"
Then she spotted an female i had a crush for -one of the first- and kind of joked with me about it "ha, do you still know ... your crush from back then..."
The crush/"relationship" developed from: We, a few kids, where chasing around each other in the grass and trying to chatch each other. We would the lay/roll on the ground and each other and i have specific memory of her sitting on top of me - superior - putting grass in my mouth and kissing me. After this i had this crush and for example drive by her house etc.
This is important!! SELF-INVESTIGATEion of his Memory!
To be continued
Thanks for reading
"It" started yesterday, as a (female) being/familymember - i did not see for about 3-4year - phoned and said "Hi, we have an attack on you, my man, a (female) friend and me want to go to this event in town - do you want to come with us?" I said spontaniously "Yes". What developed in the mind were two trains of thought: So you can see/face this being and what comes up to in that as there/are a few points of possible comparison/judgement in me like marriage, children etc. and the one which i gave more attention!! - as i SEE NOW - there is one single female being with them, thoughts came up that "they want to set something up/they want to help u"- memory: last relationship - set up by cousin - lolfuck, this is no coincidence etc. that i brought it back and was faced with my desire for basicly Sex/Relationship - that i am still not standing clear with -
So, today i was sawing wood with my dad my Backchat on this point went rampant - This is also pattern/experiance that when i push myself physicaly on some point desires come up - when i percive "it" gets hard and in this moments i can not express myself properly or stop myself as i "have to" go on doing what i am doing. For example: We went on a tour into the mountains and walked for about 6hours and i was feeling drained and exhousted, i looked at the ass of a femal walking in front of me which triggered desire - which i have not allowed to participate in, on this day - and thoughts. This cycled to the point where only "Sex,Sex,Sex..." was on my mind and i was complely possesed by this angry energy, we/i could not simply stop as it started to rain and not properly regulate myself in/as breath - later then i judged myself extensively eperianced Selfhate and applied selfforgiveness halfheartly which let to a strange/supressed experiance when in presence of the being
I have noticed that i also experiance desire for relationship (pictures/thougts of femals often that i defined as "superior") when struggling, with studying for example - a picturepresentation of a female to motivate me - but in this situations i can stop an breath and/or express Selfforgiveness it is also different energy.
Ok, lets continue with today...so i was a bit nervous before they would come to fetch me, as did not know what to expect, and also applied Selfforgiveness on relationship and saw that it is not what it is about and than on the opposite or for fearing relating etc jet i was only covering up myself and perpetuating the mind - SO, in essence i gave my attention and presence "away" to this points of apperant "self-knowledge" of good and bad should and/or should not -Separation- -
We had some smalltalk and went to the event.
MEMORYS are BITCHES -lol-hrrg-lol-
We talked about childhood - as we kids spent some time together in the family - and we had specific figures to play with - Some may still know HE-MAN (and SHE-RA) oh my god - as she said she had always to play as specific figure, i asked which figure i played and it was Stonedar - who can fold himself into a rock and thereby protect himself - fuck, this hit me or a flash of memorys/moments where i "was cold as a stone/turned into a stone/was fucking stoned"
Then she spotted an female i had a crush for -one of the first- and kind of joked with me about it "ha, do you still know ... your crush from back then..."
The crush/"relationship" developed from: We, a few kids, where chasing around each other in the grass and trying to chatch each other. We would the lay/roll on the ground and each other and i have specific memory of her sitting on top of me - superior - putting grass in my mouth and kissing me. After this i had this crush and for example drive by her house etc.
This is important!! SELF-INVESTIGATEion of his Memory!
To be continued
Thanks for reading
Friday, August 19, 2011
Writing 190811
Today i/my mind was somehow quite fragile - was fast in participating in reactions. First thing in the mornings i wanted to take my bike to work in the car my father was putting it in the trunk and as it did not fit immediatly he expressed anger like "This piece of shit, fuck, does not want to fit" and i reacted with fast with "Ok, let it be... we let it here" because i felt responsible for his "expression" because of it being my bike and i took this comment personally. A moment after, it fit and i realized that i did not have to react at all - Its again the point of me feeling guilty and/or responsible for what my parents/others allow in/as themselves -
Next situation that is clearly in mind is a college at work walking in greeting me with "Ah the early-bird" which, at least from my perspective was an alluision/referece to me oversleeping and missing the train 2 days ago and actually i had then backchat that he wants to define me according to the past and former times where i also have paricipiated in this pattern - if i take full responibility in selfhonesty i have to see that i created the "possible definition" according to the past myself firstly by recreating this pattern of being late and actually talking openly about it, but in an coqueting way defining myself to/as my past participiation/pattern "So, now i have for the first time missed the train, this time - I also oversleept, my mother woke me - lol" Hmmm....
Ok, the same/similar shit happend the later were i then got really angry and separated myself in selfpity, seriuosness, Ego, being distanced and suspicious etc. and i saw the shift and emotions tryed a few times to turn it around by forcing me to talk, being "nice" but die not see the point that I !! have defined myself to the past/memories:
The subject came up of the driverslicence and if i have it again etc. and actually the I !! started to explain about what i am doing to get it back, why i lost it - justification/blame - that i do not drink anymore etc etc. that alkohl is also a drug accually identifieng ...lots of unnecessary bullshit-memories - unnecessary - and i see that it is the attention that i got and that i want to show this being that i have changed in this point and created actually the opposite as i defended my (past) personality - so its still here, in separation - WHEN REALLY I WOULD HAVE BE EFFECTIVE AND SUFFICIENT TO SIMPLY STATE THAT I CARE FOR IT/MYSELF AND AM IN THE PROCESS OF GETTING IT/THE LICENCE BACK
profiling my personality that they/i know...After that i was then backcatting and the situation was bugging me, but i did not see and acctually think he is/wants to define me to the past - also i did not "remeber" simple rule of "TAKE IT BACK TO SELF" so that i would have seen - as i do now - that I WANT TO DEFINE ME AND WANT TO HOLD ON TO THE PAST instead of LIVING SELFHONESTY HERE IN EVERY MOMENT OF BREATH as the Ego/Personalities want to have VALIDATION/ATTENTION.
So, again ATTENTION!!! when i portayl myself I WANT ATTENTION -
I have to realize I am MATURE and LIVE/GIVE ATTENTION as/to MYSELF
P.S. The Being has worked with me for 4 years and was one of my primary trainer at work but also a respected college, but as he is nearly 60 yeas also a ... i realize that i have separated myself from him as kind of a authority/fatherfigure/teacher ...ok-cool
Next situation that is clearly in mind is a college at work walking in greeting me with "Ah the early-bird" which, at least from my perspective was an alluision/referece to me oversleeping and missing the train 2 days ago and actually i had then backchat that he wants to define me according to the past and former times where i also have paricipiated in this pattern - if i take full responibility in selfhonesty i have to see that i created the "possible definition" according to the past myself firstly by recreating this pattern of being late and actually talking openly about it, but in an coqueting way defining myself to/as my past participiation/pattern "So, now i have for the first time missed the train, this time - I also oversleept, my mother woke me - lol" Hmmm....
Ok, the same/similar shit happend the later were i then got really angry and separated myself in selfpity, seriuosness, Ego, being distanced and suspicious etc. and i saw the shift and emotions tryed a few times to turn it around by forcing me to talk, being "nice" but die not see the point that I !! have defined myself to the past/memories:
The subject came up of the driverslicence and if i have it again etc. and actually the I !! started to explain about what i am doing to get it back, why i lost it - justification/blame - that i do not drink anymore etc etc. that alkohl is also a drug accually identifieng ...lots of unnecessary bullshit-memories - unnecessary - and i see that it is the attention that i got and that i want to show this being that i have changed in this point and created actually the opposite as i defended my (past) personality - so its still here, in separation - WHEN REALLY I WOULD HAVE BE EFFECTIVE AND SUFFICIENT TO SIMPLY STATE THAT I CARE FOR IT/MYSELF AND AM IN THE PROCESS OF GETTING IT/THE LICENCE BACK
profiling my personality that they/i know...After that i was then backcatting and the situation was bugging me, but i did not see and acctually think he is/wants to define me to the past - also i did not "remeber" simple rule of "TAKE IT BACK TO SELF" so that i would have seen - as i do now - that I WANT TO DEFINE ME AND WANT TO HOLD ON TO THE PAST instead of LIVING SELFHONESTY HERE IN EVERY MOMENT OF BREATH as the Ego/Personalities want to have VALIDATION/ATTENTION.
So, again ATTENTION!!! when i portayl myself I WANT ATTENTION -
I have to realize I am MATURE and LIVE/GIVE ATTENTION as/to MYSELF
P.S. The Being has worked with me for 4 years and was one of my primary trainer at work but also a respected college, but as he is nearly 60 yeas also a ... i realize that i have separated myself from him as kind of a authority/fatherfigure/teacher ...ok-cool
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