Today i was on the "Untersberg" with one of my Co-workers. It started about a week ago where i said at work that i want to visit this mountain in the next time and he said if we go there together an i said "Yes, we can do that or make a crossing or sleep on it" but did not really expect that he would come back to it and as he did yesterday i was suprised. I had some Ego-point with him an some Backchat and judgemts about him that i have not completly stopped yet. Obviosly it are mostly points that i have/had within myself. Some points of comparism and competition mostly not spoken. Mostly i would judge him for "presenting a deceptive/friendly personality at work compromising himself, supressing selfhate" Exactly what i do -fuck
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge M as presenting a deceptive friendly personaliy at work and to his boss, compromising himself and supressing Self-hate
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself for presenting a deceptive friendly personality at work and to my boss instead of simply standing as being who i am in/as the realisation of myself that i do not have to use deceptive frendlieness to hide behind and to be accepted and liked - i am accept myself as who i am
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself judge myself as compromising myself
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to compromise myself through particiation in the mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to supress hate instead of relasing it through forgiveness in the moment
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hate myself, and supress and accomulate this hatred within myself, for compromising myself as who i really am by presenting a deceptive personality-presentation of friendliness and happiness at work towards my collegues and my chef
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that i have to compromise myself at work
I forgive myself for accetping and allowing myself to make myself belive i am compromising myself when i am not
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think and believe i have present a deceptive personality-presentation of friendliness at work or to my chef
I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see that i have judged friendliness as always "fake"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge participation in/as personality as wrong/fake/unaccepable instead of seeing and accepting that in this world at the moment everybody plays out personalitys
As he asked me yesterday i said "yes" quite fast from the point of not wanting to "disapoint" him and my Ego-point of "i said a will do this" but i did not realy want to and this was simple not a self-directed decision but my mind not wanting to lose. I "guess" with him it was the same as he was then asking around, wanting others to come with us but did not find anyone. I made than up in my mind the point of going with him to "help him to get out on the weekend and support him with this" as a reason to go: At least it is good for him....I realized this Point because i feeled not quite right with my descision and did SF on it. Jet this whole poin/contruct played out today also from his side because the first point was the SELF-COMPROMISE to HOLD UP a EGO-POINT=SELFINTEREST
What was very interesting also was that i tryed to figure it out, was caught in the mind, angry, blame etc. until the moment we where down from the mountain - It dropped immediatly and i was silent
Saturday, September 10, 2011
Friday, September 9, 2011
Writing 09092011
NOT WANTING ANYTHING
This is a point or con-clusion i have made and tried to fullfill basicly the last ten years. I came to this con-clusion after a experiance with mushrooms and in the weeks after it where i - from my perspective now - became aware of my mind. I experianced in this way: I "knew" immediatly what other people "want from me", where is their self-interrest and after a while i realized that i do the same and this was basicly a nightmare because nothing is real - nothing is what it seems to be and everything is only Ego and Personalities directing, speaking and acting to get what it wants. For me this "Wanting" was the primary point and i "realized" that i have to stopp wanting
So i "stopped wanting" with smoking pot and lots of judgment because my starting-point was the fear of this experiance - you are allone and everybody wants something from you - to make it go away. Of course i did not stop anything but only supress the "whole shit"
What i did not consider is that in this i created the ultimative trap for myself because what can u do if u do not want to do something? So everything i did i judged and so many things i did not even do or consider doing because i judged it or myself for.
Manifesting the Ego-self-belive "I do not need or want anything"
Wow, i have really made it hard for myself... but the good thing is this personaliy is basicly hanging itself because it simply runs out - It`s complete self-dishonesty because not realisable, we are here interdependent in co-existence and i am not a singular separated being that does not need anything.
It is very limiting/exhausting and unpractial to live in such a LIE because as i want to do something for example working to get money - there is my subconsciously my judgments and hate and spite "Haha you are working, you want and need money, u are participating in the system - what you have wanted not to do anymore"
In this i realized that this was/is one major POINT wihtin myself because this is/was manifesting the constant and ulimative self-defeat as i can simply not stopp wanting or desiring - as
LIFE is DESIRE is WANTING to LIVE
So its not to judge, deny, supress Desire or Wanting but to DIRECT MYSELF AS DESIRE to apply myself as who i am to do what is best vor all
This is a point or con-clusion i have made and tried to fullfill basicly the last ten years. I came to this con-clusion after a experiance with mushrooms and in the weeks after it where i - from my perspective now - became aware of my mind. I experianced in this way: I "knew" immediatly what other people "want from me", where is their self-interrest and after a while i realized that i do the same and this was basicly a nightmare because nothing is real - nothing is what it seems to be and everything is only Ego and Personalities directing, speaking and acting to get what it wants. For me this "Wanting" was the primary point and i "realized" that i have to stopp wanting
So i "stopped wanting" with smoking pot and lots of judgment because my starting-point was the fear of this experiance - you are allone and everybody wants something from you - to make it go away. Of course i did not stop anything but only supress the "whole shit"
What i did not consider is that in this i created the ultimative trap for myself because what can u do if u do not want to do something? So everything i did i judged and so many things i did not even do or consider doing because i judged it or myself for.
Manifesting the Ego-self-belive "I do not need or want anything"
Wow, i have really made it hard for myself... but the good thing is this personaliy is basicly hanging itself because it simply runs out - It`s complete self-dishonesty because not realisable, we are here interdependent in co-existence and i am not a singular separated being that does not need anything.
It is very limiting/exhausting and unpractial to live in such a LIE because as i want to do something for example working to get money - there is my subconsciously my judgments and hate and spite "Haha you are working, you want and need money, u are participating in the system - what you have wanted not to do anymore"
In this i realized that this was/is one major POINT wihtin myself because this is/was manifesting the constant and ulimative self-defeat as i can simply not stopp wanting or desiring - as
LIFE is DESIRE is WANTING to LIVE
So its not to judge, deny, supress Desire or Wanting but to DIRECT MYSELF AS DESIRE to apply myself as who i am to do what is best vor all
Thursday, September 8, 2011
Writing 08092011
Ok it is really time for me to get to some points of my experiance in my workingspace/place. First of all there is often this feeling also thought that am infearior/wired/laught at. I also have often thoughts about a worker that has worked with me in the beginning an"shown" me some stuff - the dishonestys and unspecificetys of the work/methodes - and compare myself with him also was reminded by my chefin: "U did this ... there was another how did this also" I know she did not like him. however not the exact reason why - he was a "intellektual religious misfit" did not fit into consumerism but stopped then working to go to a monastory.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior to my co-workers and less then them so i have to obey them and their rules or methodes
I am here as equal with my coworkers
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think i have to obey their rules and methodes to be accepted and liked
I forgive myself that i have accpted and allowed myself to compare myself to my co-workers and especialy with E.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge E as wired and an intelektual religious misfit
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being compared to E and see as wierd
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to what other people think of me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being talked about behind my back because i see this happening with other beings
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others for talking and hating others behind their back instead of seeing that i do the same within my head about them in judgeing them as participating in Ego - -lol- in this fuckin myself into a state of separation trough knowledge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as others
Till here and no further! THIS IS MYSELF-I DECIDE WHO i AMI stopp- I will no longer allow myself to
judge myself and others in my mind - Not trough my own thougts or jugements and not with the shit i have accepted to take from others. Whenever i see myself thinking about anyone or judging someone I stopp see what this presents my about myself - i face myself - and forgive myself unconditionally. I remain here as silence as sound
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel inferior to my co-workers and less then them so i have to obey them and their rules or methodes
I am here as equal with my coworkers
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think i have to obey their rules and methodes to be accepted and liked
I forgive myself that i have accpted and allowed myself to compare myself to my co-workers and especialy with E.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge E as wired and an intelektual religious misfit
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being compared to E and see as wierd
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to give value to what other people think of me
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being talked about behind my back because i see this happening with other beings
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge others for talking and hating others behind their back instead of seeing that i do the same within my head about them in judgeing them as participating in Ego - -lol- in this fuckin myself into a state of separation trough knowledge
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself as others
Till here and no further! THIS IS MYSELF-I DECIDE WHO i AMI stopp- I will no longer allow myself to
judge myself and others in my mind - Not trough my own thougts or jugements and not with the shit i have accepted to take from others. Whenever i see myself thinking about anyone or judging someone I stopp see what this presents my about myself - i face myself - and forgive myself unconditionally. I remain here as silence as sound
Wednesday, September 7, 2011
Writing 07092011
Today a i experianced quite "heavy" reactions as thougts/emotions/feelings. With working in the lab i noticed the tendency to go into a kind of separation from all that is here and only focussing on "my Work".
I forgive myself for accepting and allwing myself that to think and belive that have to separate myself to focus on work
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to be here with work as the moment of working so that im here as as all as one as equal
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allwoed myself to belive that i can only focus on one task/thing/fact at a time - "my work"
A female being at work gets her certificate of work/lerning tomorrow and i asked her about it "So you get ur certificate tomorrow" "Yes, we making Photos etc." she looked really happy/smiling and we laught. Somehow i could not stand this, to simply express myself with her as enjoying this moment. I feeled inferior because i feeled attracted and started to ask
"waht did u get as a grade?"
"89% - of the points"
"Ah,89 not 98 i understood 98"
"No,89"
"So you will end up hanging in the hall of fame of ....(company) Things like this you do not forget"
I than snapped out of this bullshit and looked at what the fuck i implyed/allowed
I realized that i compared myself and my certificate to her to subconcouisly put myslelf superior according to knowledge and this triggered a pretty extensive train of thought/emotions/memorys.
With reading my "older" forum-posts i realized that i still have not acctually looked at and opend up the knowledge-point in its facettes and that this Point is comming up quite prominent at the moment
I forgive myself for accepting and allwing myself that to think and belive that have to separate myself to focus on work
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to be here with work as the moment of working so that im here as as all as one as equal
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allwoed myself to belive that i can only focus on one task/thing/fact at a time - "my work"
A female being at work gets her certificate of work/lerning tomorrow and i asked her about it "So you get ur certificate tomorrow" "Yes, we making Photos etc." she looked really happy/smiling and we laught. Somehow i could not stand this, to simply express myself with her as enjoying this moment. I feeled inferior because i feeled attracted and started to ask
"waht did u get as a grade?"
"89% - of the points"
"Ah,89 not 98 i understood 98"
"No,89"
"So you will end up hanging in the hall of fame of ....(company) Things like this you do not forget"
I than snapped out of this bullshit and looked at what the fuck i implyed/allowed
I realized that i compared myself and my certificate to her to subconcouisly put myslelf superior according to knowledge and this triggered a pretty extensive train of thought/emotions/memorys.
With reading my "older" forum-posts i realized that i still have not acctually looked at and opend up the knowledge-point in its facettes and that this Point is comming up quite prominent at the moment
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Writing 06092011
In the morning with getting up i experianced thoughts about my parents already waiting and talking if i am still in bed or have fallen aslep again. When i then get downstairs its always quite the same of my mother greating me "happily" and already preparing the coffemaker which i react to with thought of "Always the same" and the feeling of being controlled and having to act in a certain way to be "friendly and polite" when i do not want to speak at all in the mornings - an experiance of anxiety comes up
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about if my parents talk about me or if i still lying in bed in the mornings after awaking
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts immedeatly after awaking instead of allowing myself to wake up as the moment in/as the breath as who i really am each day every day
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in an experiance of rejection and resistence toward my parents in the mornings
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel controled by them waking me up, instead of realizing that i am controled by my mind as my past participation and i am responsible for what i allow within myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the situation of my mother greeting me in the mornings and wanting to prepare the coffe(mashine)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the situation of drinking coffe in the kitchen by thinking " always the same", instead of stopping immediatly or doing/acting in another way
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect an angry feeling and a feeling of being controled to the situations of standing up in the mornings/drinking coffe in the kitchen
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i have to act polite and friendly in the morning
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belive that this experiance of anxiety within me is real and that i have allowed myself to blame my enviroment/situation for it, instead of taking self-responibility for myself and my experiance by stopping
I experianced slight jealousy or the thought "with others my father is much friendlier" as we arrived at work and he spoke and joked with another male being jounger than me. I compared myself to him and thought that my father respects him because he has a good job, car etc. they can talk about car etc. even thoughts like he "would like a son more than him"
After work i meet this being shortly and experianced infeariority within myself
Ok, this is the point of still wanting to show my father what i can or wanting to be approved by him
Basicly jugding myself as what i am in the system=what i have acvieved/become
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel infearior
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel not good enough
I forgive myself for acceping and allowing myself to feel infearior to/towards beings with a stable income/work and a certain status in the system
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to jugde myself according to who i am in the system, my status or achievements
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be jealous when my parents praticipate with other beings based on comparison, because i am actually fear losing support..
In my break today had an interesting experiance that ties in with the point that came up was self-defeat/giving up on self giving up on live also related to alcohol
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think about if my parents talk about me or if i still lying in bed in the mornings after awaking
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in thoughts immedeatly after awaking instead of allowing myself to wake up as the moment in/as the breath as who i really am each day every day
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to participate in an experiance of rejection and resistence toward my parents in the mornings
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel controled by them waking me up, instead of realizing that i am controled by my mind as my past participation and i am responsible for what i allow within myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the situation of my mother greeting me in the mornings and wanting to prepare the coffe(mashine)
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to react to the situation of drinking coffe in the kitchen by thinking " always the same", instead of stopping immediatly or doing/acting in another way
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to connect an angry feeling and a feeling of being controled to the situations of standing up in the mornings/drinking coffe in the kitchen
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe that i have to act polite and friendly in the morning
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to belive that this experiance of anxiety within me is real and that i have allowed myself to blame my enviroment/situation for it, instead of taking self-responibility for myself and my experiance by stopping
I experianced slight jealousy or the thought "with others my father is much friendlier" as we arrived at work and he spoke and joked with another male being jounger than me. I compared myself to him and thought that my father respects him because he has a good job, car etc. they can talk about car etc. even thoughts like he "would like a son more than him"
After work i meet this being shortly and experianced infeariority within myself
Ok, this is the point of still wanting to show my father what i can or wanting to be approved by him
Basicly jugding myself as what i am in the system=what i have acvieved/become
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel infearior
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to feel not good enough
I forgive myself for acceping and allowing myself to feel infearior to/towards beings with a stable income/work and a certain status in the system
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to jugde myself according to who i am in the system, my status or achievements
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be jealous when my parents praticipate with other beings based on comparison, because i am actually fear losing support..
In my break today had an interesting experiance that ties in with the point that came up was self-defeat/giving up on self giving up on live also related to alcohol
Monday, September 5, 2011
Writing 05092011
Ok, today i woke and got up on time then again created a situation where i had to hurry to get the train to work.
I actually wanted to write "stress" and that brings me to another "big" - at moment - point that is playing out for basicly the wohle time i am at work again. I work with a female being that i would strongly react to based on past participiation but this is not "all". Basicly the actual patterns is: The being expresses that she has this and that to do, so much work, creates and expresses possible scenarios of what may happen or we at work will have to to and then plans how to "manage" them often based on speculation:" I have heard that possibly we have to work night-shifts then -... needs the product" or she gets/is involved highly emotional with the work and expresses "anger" very often.
So in the first time i reacted to her in a "calming/caring/understanding" way as "past-participiation" relived, but i also saw that i get Ego out of that and my backchat was:
I have to help/support her because she is constantly stressed/angry
Her behaviour of creating stress is unefficent
She wants to be importent/noticed
This is self-created to define her ego as important
She fears losing control / her job
Also there was my behaviour of unceartainty and asking for lots of things and even letting explain things again feeling infearior when being explained something. I realized that this is lot of definitions from the past that i created myself by putting myself in this role of "being directed/infearior/victim" and in this "So i have not to allow this - i have to expand - participate to my ability and take resposebility for what is here in the moment/place" - I also had the tought "I have to be careful to not go into the opposite of participiation in Ego - Not to stand up as Ego" But we are as Egos in a world of Egos and in this created some Power-games or playouts as for example. I would direct a task on the phone, with our "boss" also present, that call i would normaly given to her "She knows what to do/She should decide" but decided to do it, because i was on the phone and "why not, i also know what to do?". As our boss walked out she says "we rather should do it so and so"- which would be a little bit different, without actual effect, and phones back
Ok, so realized that i am also paricipating in Ego and that i do not really want and need to because it is not really what is best for all as it creates friction and tension and decided to "cut back" in a way - I noticed that i tend to want to take all over and then have it my way - So on Friday i was then quite possed by Ego.
The point why i react that much to her opend up from the judgment of "Creating stress/lots stuff in the mind to feel important" as i do exactly the same "Creating lots of points in my mind that "I" then "have to/can/must" sort out" instead of walking here in/as BREATH AS SIMPLICITY
One point as a memory i write out tomorrow came up from: Why do i go into separation when anger is experessed in my enviroment?
I actually wanted to write "stress" and that brings me to another "big" - at moment - point that is playing out for basicly the wohle time i am at work again. I work with a female being that i would strongly react to based on past participiation but this is not "all". Basicly the actual patterns is: The being expresses that she has this and that to do, so much work, creates and expresses possible scenarios of what may happen or we at work will have to to and then plans how to "manage" them often based on speculation:" I have heard that possibly we have to work night-shifts then -... needs the product" or she gets/is involved highly emotional with the work and expresses "anger" very often.
So in the first time i reacted to her in a "calming/caring/understanding" way as "past-participiation" relived, but i also saw that i get Ego out of that and my backchat was:
I have to help/support her because she is constantly stressed/angry
Her behaviour of creating stress is unefficent
She wants to be importent/noticed
This is self-created to define her ego as important
She fears losing control / her job
Also there was my behaviour of unceartainty and asking for lots of things and even letting explain things again feeling infearior when being explained something. I realized that this is lot of definitions from the past that i created myself by putting myself in this role of "being directed/infearior/victim" and in this "So i have not to allow this - i have to expand - participate to my ability and take resposebility for what is here in the moment/place" - I also had the tought "I have to be careful to not go into the opposite of participiation in Ego - Not to stand up as Ego" But we are as Egos in a world of Egos and in this created some Power-games or playouts as for example. I would direct a task on the phone, with our "boss" also present, that call i would normaly given to her "She knows what to do/She should decide" but decided to do it, because i was on the phone and "why not, i also know what to do?". As our boss walked out she says "we rather should do it so and so"- which would be a little bit different, without actual effect, and phones back
Ok, so realized that i am also paricipating in Ego and that i do not really want and need to because it is not really what is best for all as it creates friction and tension and decided to "cut back" in a way - I noticed that i tend to want to take all over and then have it my way - So on Friday i was then quite possed by Ego.
The point why i react that much to her opend up from the judgment of "Creating stress/lots stuff in the mind to feel important" as i do exactly the same "Creating lots of points in my mind that "I" then "have to/can/must" sort out" instead of walking here in/as BREATH AS SIMPLICITY
One point as a memory i write out tomorrow came up from: Why do i go into separation when anger is experessed in my enviroment?
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Writing 04092011
Since the last entry here i have not been writing as such, only for the DIP-assignement and the reason is quite clear: I do not want to face myself
I realize how beneficial writing in the evenig and had often thoughts "I should write about this" and this and this ... but did not actually live my words as thoughts: So as the first thing today:
I commit myself to "21 days of Writing" here on the blog to establish stability in self-expression as writing and relationship with self
One of the points i did/do not want to face is procrastination and especially the assignment, which i wanted to finish till 25.08.-exactly the day i stopped writing- Ok, i had the same or similar point last month and in general with learning/studing: I simply procrastinate work and/or do only what i want/like to do and start with the work i "have to do" late creating tension, feeling of obligation/have to do - this is not beneficial - I then have the "point"/what i have to do constantly on my mind - creating separtion - when i am then applying myself/study, for example in the assignment, i experiance (feelings/emotions) the point of "I have to get this done" which originates from thoughts " I have to get this done by then (date)" whitout application = Backdoor or permission to not participate right now - ...by then (date) seems far away
So i have created a pattern with the DIP where i would do half a month or so "only reading"/taking in = what i like/enjoy and then slowly start practical application first with lots of breaks or only short lenght of time then hurry to "get it done"
This pattern has a lot of disatvantages for example "less time" to integrate and live the realization that comes with practical application and actually i do the opposite of "stopping the mind" in creating unnessecary self- judgment, self-defeat, stress, anger/frustration etc.- that i do not even see ... or I deny - and then blame my enviroment for. This whole pattern is a POLARITY.
The correction is to consistantly apply practically myself in whatever it is i want to do - continiously from the BEGINNNG TILL IT IS DONE
Another point that is quite clear - and is connected - is that i blame my enviroment or/and the situation for not being supportive to do this:
My reactions with/in relation to parents (self-allowed) -> creating points "to work on" in the mind to further stuff myself up -> preoccupation
---there i allow really stupid stuff like sitting in the livingroom with them while writing/studing material, which is
not supportive to self-investigate (TV, Speaking) but think i have to do this to "stopp my reactions in this situations" thinking if i avoid them if go in another room-> It is simply common sense to learn/study/apply where it supports me
Working 8 hours or so is "new" in the context of "process" so i noticed justifications like "Yeah, i have to work now and this is the cause", when it is not...- I also applied the same pattern last month!
I realize how beneficial writing in the evenig and had often thoughts "I should write about this" and this and this ... but did not actually live my words as thoughts: So as the first thing today:
I commit myself to "21 days of Writing" here on the blog to establish stability in self-expression as writing and relationship with self
One of the points i did/do not want to face is procrastination and especially the assignment, which i wanted to finish till 25.08.-exactly the day i stopped writing- Ok, i had the same or similar point last month and in general with learning/studing: I simply procrastinate work and/or do only what i want/like to do and start with the work i "have to do" late creating tension, feeling of obligation/have to do - this is not beneficial - I then have the "point"/what i have to do constantly on my mind - creating separtion - when i am then applying myself/study, for example in the assignment, i experiance (feelings/emotions) the point of "I have to get this done" which originates from thoughts " I have to get this done by then (date)" whitout application = Backdoor or permission to not participate right now - ...by then (date) seems far away
So i have created a pattern with the DIP where i would do half a month or so "only reading"/taking in = what i like/enjoy and then slowly start practical application first with lots of breaks or only short lenght of time then hurry to "get it done"
This pattern has a lot of disatvantages for example "less time" to integrate and live the realization that comes with practical application and actually i do the opposite of "stopping the mind" in creating unnessecary self- judgment, self-defeat, stress, anger/frustration etc.- that i do not even see ... or I deny - and then blame my enviroment for. This whole pattern is a POLARITY.
The correction is to consistantly apply practically myself in whatever it is i want to do - continiously from the BEGINNNG TILL IT IS DONE
Another point that is quite clear - and is connected - is that i blame my enviroment or/and the situation for not being supportive to do this:
My reactions with/in relation to parents (self-allowed) -> creating points "to work on" in the mind to further stuff myself up -> preoccupation
---there i allow really stupid stuff like sitting in the livingroom with them while writing/studing material, which is
not supportive to self-investigate (TV, Speaking) but think i have to do this to "stopp my reactions in this situations" thinking if i avoid them if go in another room-> It is simply common sense to learn/study/apply where it supports me
Working 8 hours or so is "new" in the context of "process" so i noticed justifications like "Yeah, i have to work now and this is the cause", when it is not...- I also applied the same pattern last month!
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