Writing 18092011

Today about an hour ago i faced a backchat-personality-manifestation in the relation to my parents: They were in "church" today and i was at home doing stuff at the pc. As they came home i keept doing what i was doing, interesstingly i was hearing some old stuff/music (thunderdome) that i related to a angry/rebellious phase in my teens - the point with this music is that found i cool based on a friend that i had that i percieved as very indepentdent from his parents, free, doing what he wants, was into drugs and also the circle of friends already having trouble with police, so i found that quite cool as it repesented a polarity point to my percieved suppressed and infearior existence, i feeled "honored" and "good/worthy" to be accepted and liked by those "cool" guyes and happy as this friend told my that "You are a cool person" So for me this music represents intensity, power, energy,  but also specialness - so as they moved around a bit more here the thoughts/push to say something to them came up but i did not act on it and but i had backchat about them thinking about me and them being loaded with energy from worshiping(praying/singing) in church - I actually do not even know if/or what they do there, but asked my mother today about it, have do this a few times now, and comunication actually helps to clear up some points of (self-)judgement. I did not often go there (communication) because of judgement :-) Communication helps to see and stop judgement, who had thougt this? :-) - while sitting on the pc i was more and more feeling supressed/unconfortable and some kind of anxious energy possesing me.
I related the experinace to my parents, yet i see its myself and only my mind blaming. so i stabilise myself and go to have food with them were i keept quiet/step back and stabilize myself and have to push myself a bit to participate with them.
While washing dishes with my mom i start to ask her what they have do at "church" and she shares what they do and asks if/that i also what to come to them sometime. And i say "No, because this would only strengthen my personality as i would either have to lie or to say to the other people "NO, NO,NO" the whole time/Only if i am stable enough to not react can this benficial as a test for myself"
This exact playout cycled often and we had bit of discussion, till my father came and said that some preacher in TV spoke something about forgiveness - because we have also sometime scratched the topic- and i watched 3 sentences and was ready to go of on the topic, how there is only self-forgiveness and self-judgement etc. and the whole cristianity is based on care for others=deception.
In this i was "already" participating in energy and unsatisfied because they did not further discuss with me, so i went to my father in the livingroom and sat down and said that i shy away from confronting the point of their believes openly because i do not want to "upset" them and that the source is the they support me finacially and that i "fear of losing that support". So we discussed the point of god and religion/believe and i pointed out firstly that i percieve i would do this with every being in my reality but could see that this be different "because of our history"= emotions/energy/personality. Points that came up for me was the:
Feeling guilty/responsible for them
Wanting to help/save parents, because of feeling guilty / Wanting others to walk process- stop lies- apply tools
The money-point

But my father assisted me quite a bit by asking more times why i so persistently want to "push" them to accept my believes/perceptions and also something we spoke about before: That god is a point to abdicate self-responsibility, self-denial and in the accetpence of god one accepts something greater, separate from self that one believes to need to support and help oneself

After stepping away for a moment and while listening to a interview of sunette I saw that " Fuck i am doing exactly the same - I still accept myself to feel dependent on my parents and exist in the believe that i "need" them and the i owe them something for supporting me"
What i then do in this playouts is to participate in Ego to cover up my inferiority and feel superior/independent/free through knowledge
Actually i am not one iota better/worse then them, as i am participating in same mind-system if i accept such patterns of Ego/personality to play out. This pattern is not new and i am "quite aware how and why" i have created and accumulated the thought-energy. This is unacceptable! TILL HERE AND NO FURTHER i will no longer exept and allow myself to play this pattern out over and over again. I investigate myself forgive the relevant points and stop myself!
 

Writing 17092011

Today i sleept about ten hours or so and with awaking quite imediately judged myself for oversleeping, which was rather masked in "what do others think of me"-thoughts - so i projected my self-judgement onto others and then blame them for judging me and apparently causing the experiance of myself - I am the source and origin of my experiance -NOTE IT MIND-

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to judge myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to be "perfect" already
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to be/act moral, judging me for even a point of sleeping
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to see that i jugde myself from the starting-point of fear of doing something wrong and fear of making a mistake in process
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to apply moral in my life on myself as my process from the desire to be good/perfect=fear of making mistakes instead of realizing that this is again defining myself according to my mind
I stop judging myself according to shoulds/should nots in relation to process - This is self-manipulation according to my mind - I do not allow myself to manipulate myself through judgment to fit my "Idea" of myself - If i have made a commitment or spoken/given my word to myself or others i will simply walk/do what i have to live my word

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to project my own self-judgmet onto others with thoughts of "what do they think of me" or " Are they ... now in realtion to me" instead of taking "what they think" or " what they  .... " back to myself and forgive myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use and abuse others as a screen for my projections=self-judgments so that i can blame others for what i accept and allow as self-abuse within myself
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to acctually make myself believe taht others are judging me when it is me the whole time that is judging myself
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to blame others for apparently being the cause for my experiance within myself insted of realizing and accepting myslef as creator of my experinace and therefore look and see into me how i have created the selfjudgement and over time a specific experiance

I do not any longer allow myself to think and blieve that others are judging me and/or care for "what they apparently" think of me to delude myself in the believe/perception that "they" are the cause for my experiance within. I stop and breath whenever i blame others or make others responible for what i am experiancing.
I stand up from the blame, see into me and investigate why and how i have created this judgement about self and stand up from it in self-forgiveness

Fear of sharing self-forgiveness

Often i would want to share self-forgiveness as a tool with other beings for example with friends and family
but restrain myself from it and only say: "You/one can forgive oneself" yet i know this is not sufficient - then i feel like leaving them out half-way Why do i not share unconditionally:
Possible points
- Feeling not stable and clear enough to do so
- Fear/thoughts that the other being is not interessted/will not apply
- using it as a point of superiority as: I do SF- i am better, they will not understand
                                                        They are christians, they will not understand, be interrested
- Fear of being dishonest with myself for pushing this point - which is a self-realisation-point - onto others
- No proper "material" for self-application like the destini faq in german that i could simply give to other to study  an test for themselves -> i mean this is a point of simply translating it...
- underlying anger/frust/hatred of not wanting to forgive myself as them/others and therfore not sharing    self-forgiveness and related nastyness

Writing 16092011

So today i had mostly to do with facing in myself in interacting with my mother. As i was getting up in the morning she told me that the chimmney sweeper was "already" in a tonality and way that i interpreted als worried and of anxiety and i reacted with anger and feeling resonsible to "do something". She was sitting in front of the TV and watching such a show were they would sell "holiday" - "for the cheapest price available", "all inclusive here", "really worthy and exclusive holiday" and lots of this shit - So i sat down and breath and the anger somewhat went down reading the newspaper. But this whole situation i could not bear as having this "brainless, manipulative catter" running in the TV and my mother watching it. So at some point i expressed that "This shit should be banned - such fucked up brainwashing" and i decided to move an sort out papers etc. So my mother also started to move and we cleaned parts of the house which was quite cool, but there also was backchat that "i have supported/helped now". I then wanted to sort out old stuff/cloth that is still here from ten years back when i lived here...This i will definitly do - as it is simply a point sorting out "the past" it is "my stuff so i will do it" -
Over and conversation with my mother i "forgot" to do so...while speaking with her i experianced itching on my chest area - manifested consequence - not to strong but noticable, suppressed not dealt with and forgiven anger, the point of feeling controled, frustration, blame and - the conversation was "Ok" from certain perspective but went the to energetic - an interessting thing is that it acctually started/was instigated by me reacting to "father is not as capable and resilent anymore after the operation" and me reacting to the word resilent - i percieved it as blame - and started to say that maybe she has to be more sensitive now. So i realized than that this is "not my business" or what i am doing and i shared somethings, she shared somethings and we basicly ended or i relaised that she is taking it personaly as i was sharing how i experianced some of the childhood
Ok this played later again in another conversation.
I have also today procrastinated working on the DiP-assignement and not writen or done self-forgiveness, but indulged in lots of icecream an laziness
  I will push myself to participate more in practical living application again

Writing 15092011

First point today was some reaction to my mother as i slowly but surely am getting angry/frustrated with living with my parents and especially blame it on my mother also on my father but with my mother it is more fucked, as if i speak to her about stuff there is very fast the point of her being "hurt" crying -going into this emotional manipulation and this is always the same cycle - but on the other hand i have to... Hmm, the point today morning was that she was tired and expressing this and i am having a hard time not to be influenced by this and not to judge her or my parents and i have to see that i do and that have not taken self-responsibility in writing self-forgiving because of the belive that "i am aware of the points" and simply have to walk the correction in not reacting - yet this is not so easy because there are more points within me not solved /transcended for real- at the moment i am at the point of facing the point of "wanting to help/save/care" others in writing and also procrastinate it. Yet the point keeps comming up in my world and angering me in other beings when i see that it is dishonest.
I AM ANGRY FOR NOT FACING THIS POINT IN MYSEFLF AND STOP IT!
If i am not standing clear of emotions but act from energy it benefits no-one

So waht i also experiance is a strong desire to leave for a few days as i have allowed myself to feel supressed and obviously supressed myself over time here. I was going to get a train today to go to my place over the weekend and as i was leaving the house i was excited, happy and feeling free/releaved and as i missed the train experianced immediate disapointment and supression and - as much as i would like -to and also do i-
blame my parents and their livestyle/belives and the bullshit i am responisble for myself

Yet especially the points of my mother taking anti-depressants for extendet time and the obvious self-delusions of believing in "jesus/god/i am saved/i have given my live to jesus" and the whole bullshit is a very "hard pill to swallow" without judging or wanting to help/have an influence/intervene/have an impact
But i see this is exactly the point i have to stop and CARE FOR MYSELF in appling Selfforgivenss on the points...
One point i could clear up a little bit was that i always thought that "I was responsible for my parents turning to believe/Jesus" jet after asking my mother shared that she got there trough "suffering in the hospital"as a cause-point-yet selfhonestly it is complety irrelevant...

Writing 14092011 Accept it - and you are fucked

So today i had and "interessting" experiance of mind-possesion. So with stopping masturbation i have noticed some compunding of systems wihtin myself and also desire for sex or orgasm underlying yet it is possible to breath trough and i do so. At work two girls were going outside to get a sample a short walk away. It was raining outside and as they were coming back i was asking if they have gotten wet by the rain. One of them said "No, because we had an umbrella"
As she was gone a collegue said "So, then you have nothing/not to rub them dry"
I had an imagination of this popping up in the mind and - interpreted it sexually - and reacted with laughting/smiling but also the thought that this sentence of him was his minds interpretation of the situation and the thought that he says this to me because he knows i have no relationship and sees me in this way and wants to kind of "get me out behind the oven"
I reacted again and said to him -because he is in relationship, and i percived the situation as him projecting his desire- "Yeah, but you are not even allowed to..."
So in this reaction i have already accepted the bullshit-imagination
As it was bugging me in my break i applyed self-forgiveness spoken aloud on Sex/self-expression/slef-care and experianced quite an release and opening up - and expressed myself more with the beings - jet i experianced myself possesed by the point and then soon started to judge and supress myself again, especially in relation to the femals at work, as i would the want to flirt and talk etc. with them, but than there are lots of points that i judge like them having partners, being to young - wihtin this i can see that i very often connect and realate the most forms of relating -with females- to relationship and have a lot of morality-bullshit created around it.
The point that i want to make is that if i would have stayed here, instead of going into separation and thinking that "it was his projection ... .blahblah" i would not have accepted to reacted and in this manifested the playout of judgements and possesion

Writing 13092011

Yesterday i applied Venos Selfforgiveness on the Forhead-point and this was very helpfull to dissipate the energy in the forehead but also to get more insight in the cause as my behaviours - when i jugde myself for my position in the system judging myself as my mind for my achievements or work. Wanting to be recognized and approved. Comparing and judging myself in relation to money, "access to sex". A interesting point was that other beings said to me "you are good at explaining things - a good teacher - do you want to be a teacher sometime"
- In my brake this came up again and i firstly was not sure if the beings were honestly sharing what they thing or why they say this, but this is also irrelevant from the perspective of: I can see, how i can and do care and take the being in consideration that i "teach" something and that if i allow myself to accept this situation as me i do ok an have fun with it. The interessting thing is how it is really a quite different application and mesure that i put up for myself.
So why am i not effective in "teaching" myself - In diciple(in)-ing myself - or mybe i am - but i am not patient but rather hard!and therefore i do not hear myself
I am not supporting myself in appying and estabishing what i have changed, but i am still fixiated on the "failures" of myself and then judgeing myself instead of embracing them as me as working on them as myself.
Discepline myself to do/live the words i speak.