Then i realised that that it is basicly the fear of selfjudegment:
I imagined myself writing the blog: "My dear reader, i resist writing couse i fear you and your judgements..." I saw that this is bullshit, as noone can judge me but me.
In this the decision to blog was clear and in writing now i see that it will be an tool for me to face and let go of selfjudgemet.
After stopping or walking trough the fear my mind presented me with lots of "cool topics/ralisations" to write about, lots of things that seemed or are interesting and meaningful, but i see that all of us are walking this process of self-realisation and experiance similar insights.
So my mind wanted to create the opposite to the inferiority of the beginning. I also did not act on this, but the reality of blogging remained.
BP and myself
Today mornig i was reminded of the twisted fuckedness of this reality by the news playing on the radio: BP is now bringing to trailt the operating company of "Deepwater Horizon", the oilplatform that burned down last year, and also against a company that provided a valve that did not work properly and caused the disaster.
So now they want 40 000 000 000 US$ compensation. WOW, that this is possible even possible shows me that there is no Justice in our system only justification.
I got quite angry and am angry with such shit, as what happened from my perspective is that this fucking-parasitic company firstly destroys uncountable manifestations of live, wastes resources, conterminates the sea and then after a years time tryes to suck out even more energy of the situation. Who will pay? We all will pay.
I could not stay in bed any longer and stood up. So why did i get angry, i know of the fuckedness but i also see that blaming and being angry at something/someone is only giving our power away.
Why do we allow such unresponsible manifestations in the world?
So i looked within myself and i saw that that ive done exactly the same, blaming others for the catastrophie and disaster my live was and is at times. Blaming my parents for "delivering fucked up building-block" for myself or shifting responsebility to partners and friends. With all the people living in these patterns of denial and blaming others we have accumulated to the current systems.
So what will i do? I stop myself blaming anyone or anything or being angry with anyone or anything, even myself and within this take my power back to stand up and act. One by one...
It will take time to stopp this completely as for the most part of my live i have blamed someone or something, really there was always someone/thing to blame: Parents, Politicians, Partners, Police, Pope, Drugs etc. the list is actually unlimited and so is the stupidity of blameing these manifestations.
To stop something in and as oneself is to stopp it in the world equally.
Create a Blog
So in before creating a blog i viewed some of them, especially of Desteni-participants, and some of them i enjoyed quite a bit, both the writings and the design. This brought up some comparison and accordingly selfjudgement points. One stood out where i would think "Wow, really cool Background" and was quite impressed be the beings blog and also the picturepresention (Inferiority) also the writing and the next day i would read the new entry and had the thougt "Not so cool today" and i saw that this was simply a way for me to feel superior and insecurity in myself regarding writing a blog. What was also cool to see was that this inferiority was not real but created in my mind as i was making this design something special. So i was quite surprised that it was a standarddesign of blogger and in general creating a blog was "easy" and fun, "choosing" your design etc. The next thing was to "choose" a profilphoto:
Pictures
With selecting a picture a picture i experianced a search for the "right one". But what the fuck is the right one? I spent surely an hour or so going through my pictures, observing them exactly and that was really interesting, as every one is/has a slightly different expression and i was searching for one that was reprenting myself "fully"
I realised how rediculous it is to define myself according to a picturepresentation of myself:
To one Moment of expression of myself in the past - Quite limited!
We are made of uncountable pictures of past moments - but not limited by them - We are here now
A few moments of my recent past expressions
lol...so, now press the button...
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