Dienstag, 12. Juni 2012

Selfsabotage in Writing and Communication: Selfdoubt

So, one point that needs be laid out is how I meet N and the general situation/state I was in – the Beginning. Another point that poped up just now was the “holiday in Kroatia” with U, R, M and? Where there more? a female, the gf of R? – So when I write this I get constricted and kind a irritated, more from the Questions was there more? a female? – these are like brakes in my mind that hinder me to express and communicate with myself fluently because who else will it be that asks itself such Questions than The Mind which is Myself so I can see here my tendency to trap myself in the infinite details and the very self-doubt, fear of missing a point instead of realizing that the Mind is designed in such a way that it is layered and when I do not immedialty see a point of part then I will get to it while walking it will inevitably come up/or I to it and see it clear when it is here/I am the here = there

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that asking random questions within my writing is my mind – which shows me as a reflection of how I have allowed myself to set up myself, operate and exist in questioning and doubting every small detail/point of myself

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that it is self sabotage as fear of missing a point and missing self trust that keeps me from communicating with myself fluently

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I apply the exact same process in communication with others where I “watch” every word, I “judge” every word and question every single detail without realizing that this takes time – which gives me a perception of control, which is control – mind-control

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have deliberately programmed myself to slow my communication with myself and others down to such an extent that I “perceive to be in control of the communication” instead of realizing that what is in control is my Ego/Personality, set in stone as the graven image that wants to have power and control over what is communicated and shared so that it can keep the perception of Control

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this slowing down, questioning each word of my communication is a protection-mechanism of my Ego/personality so that nothing will be communicated that is of real support and assistance for who I really am as live

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that this questioning while writing or communicating with others IS the very manifestation of self-doubt as backchat where I chat back on myself as ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Channelling myself I a separte canal hook in the flesh what divert my walking of a specific point or communication in Oneness and Equality with myself and so functions as a brake and separation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to canal me, myself and my living into the very manifestation of self-doubt within and reflect it as shyness/questioning the agenda/intend of the other being or points without

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear of missing a point to define who I am as my communication – in this really missing a point: self that is nowhere to be found when I exist in a separate room of fear and doubt

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept fear of missing a point to determine who I am in and as communication

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the fear of missing a point implies that there is a point/a answer out there that is separate from me

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I was/am constantly in every communication/RELATIONSHIP searching for an answer for myself to “who I really am”

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this questioning and doubting is not me as life of oneness and equality as who I really am but my mind asking/assessing “is this point really me = is it equal to my programme, compatible” trying to find an answer to and understand itself so the ultimate self-sabotage because I will not find myself in another so I have to go on searching for ever in total and absolute separation as a individualized mind searching for the “perfect match” = “itself” in-to INFINITY

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a desire to “going deeper into the point” when I am faced/presented with a question within my mind that is not fully self-directed = self-doubt – instead of realizing that this is going into the rabbit-hole of the mind and leading me astray from walking what I can see clearly and WITHOUT thinking/asking/questioning

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself that I will get all the points when it is relevant and to walk them when I can see them here clearly as myself as I realize “The points is me, I am here = the points is here and will not “get lost””

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear “losing my points” instead of realizing that only the mind will “fear losing points” and that this is actually a protection mechanism to “go into the point as the mind” so to cling onto the point by making a maze out of it

I forgive myself that I have allowed the Bachchat of “Was this really everything? there must be more to it? did I get all the points? Wasn’t there more?” to come up and exist within my mind while writing or communicating – instead of realizing that this is the Minds Backchat as Selfdoubt manifest that leads me to get stuck on a singular point that instead of walking and releasing, letting go - is “make up” and create lots of additional bullshit around

When and as I see myself questioning myself in my mind while writing – I stop and breathe – I realize that this is a manifestation of Self-doubt as the mind chatting back on me, trying to cling on a singular point that is not “clear to see” – I realize that there is no way to clear up a point through questioning it in/as the mind – I SEE a point as myself or I let it go in absolute self-trust that it will come up and be here for me as me to face when relevant. I stop the desire to go into the point and walk my self-communication/writing in/as breath

When and as I see myself  physically constricting or “getting stuck” while writing – I stop and breath – I realize that CON-striction is a fear or anxiety that is limiting my in my ability to see into my and communicate with myself – I embrace the constriction and the fear as me and see “what it is” and forgive myself in the moment, when not possible then I WRITE the constriction/stuckness fear out, just like above to find/see/understand “what is causing it” and “what is it” – I de-CON-strict myself as I de-CON-struct myself in the PHYSICAL applications of Writing/Self-forgiveness/Self-correction in and as Breath   

I commit myself to realize and that every detail or reaction in thoughts or my physical while writing and/or communicating is important and shows me to myself – thus I pay attention

I commit myself to realize that questioning and asking myself back on me is not “normal” and a point of Self sabotage and Mind control that I have come to accept and live as “normal” in the fear of loss and the protection of my self-interest as Ego/Personality
I commit myself to stop and change this behaviour-pattern to free me in self-communication and the communication with other

I commit myself to see and show how this behaviour-pattern of the mind is a part/component of the gametheory that is looking at reality as strategic war for the survival of self-interest of a entity Ego/personality – thus I support myself to deconstruct my walls and bunkers of (Self) doubt to birth myself from the ashes of the cold war against myself - equal and one as life

SO – this shows me that the memory beyond/under the constriction/questioning/Selfdoubt is “IMPORTANT” – for the MIND

Donnerstag, 12. April 2012

Separation from Communication

I have often felt that I am not good enough and not fitting with other people, I have long times not enjoyed conversation/communication because I have thought that I have noting to talk about and while communicating with random beings/in society I constantly think I am at the wrong place, I can not express/share who I am nobody wants to hear “that”, and that what I have to say is not good (enough) or bad news.

 Thus I hold back in communication and nearly not ever simply speak I think-speak. I control very specific what I say and judge every word to “stay in character” which was often like being a rock-manifestation especially with “new” beings or beings I would experience feelings towards, where I would feel/experience something that I could not deny I would go into this shutting-down – It is like ultra-hard to imagine me simply expressing to a female that I enjoy her for whatever reason “I enjoy your presence – I like you” or similar physical-expressions as laughing, smiling, having “fun” together or talking words that create energy as/of like a “normal friendship/relationship” expressing appreciation, affection, sympathy (and I see/experience myself right now having as sarcastic/judgemental/spiting grin “What bullshit – that does not exist”) or also/even with males I would in all my relationships/friendships doubt myself and the validity of the expression as “Fake/Masquerade”  and accordingly experienced myself as an actor.

 I realize that I have never communicated with anyone not even myself. When I had friends visiting or was visiting friends this was always literally an “Act” where I was really anxious and thinking, thinking, thinking …acting, acting, acting in a certain way. I mean sometimes this flowed pretty easy because I was so “in love” with my role that I identified myself with it so much that I did not at all realize I am acting in a certain role with this or this being – Also this Acts and roles had different time-frames and can seem to last for fucking ever so that in the middle – the climax – all the feelings and emotions make the drama seem quite real. 

A Relationship is like a movie within oneself, more specifically such a “film-reel” in an old theatre: It has a beginning and an end and in the middle: Flickering light as pictures projected onto the surface of a wall. These projections of dark become the wall -the veil- of separation from each other. And then the film runs out and the roll rotates unless in the dark.

For the most part I was than rather glad when I was alone again and I felt/experienced it actually as draining to be with others and participate for a period of time because it like inevitably lead to acting in a character what cost energy – interesting to see now that I would experience myself often like not necessarily abused but pushed up and in kind of a energetic rush after visits of/by beings, where I had firstly to create and then fuel the emotional/energetic experience towards other beings so to participate with them within the specific construct of relations = relationship  in the known/minded way. 

The residual energy-creation stayed for a while and let then to a low or feeling wired. Fuck, I see how I have already on the way to beings often generated energy and so-to-speak uploaded a specific personality through for example Music, singing, thinking or previously also lots with drugs! before meeting beings, going out or being visited.

In Germany there is/we have a downright ritual before u go to a party or otherwise out the beings meet up in someones place zum/to “Vor-Saufen”/ “PRE-BOOZE” –lol that´s a word…preboss pre-BOSS – preparing the/to boss lol generating the ego and booozzzinnngg away any kind of fear before one is even able to leave the house…yeah I know this-one … is like setting the illusion-projector on full power to please not in any way see what is really going on – within oneself. 

As everyone does this and only project the own illusions it becomes clear why communication does not exist only pre-programs running messing up the place.

These are some points where/why/how I have separated myself from simply expressing myself in the moment and communication with beings because I am apparently not able to enjoy myself with others. I see that I only THINK that I do not enjoy or am able to enjoy myself with others and I see that the behaviour that I really liked in my ex-partner as directly expressing herself in the moment WITHOUT THINKING OR JUDGING what I “feel/experience about the situation and/or others” is the solution to my apparent disability to enjoy myself in communication with others– also in the realisation that whatever I feel/think about others is in fact me judging me. Participation instead of Speculation.

Montag, 9. April 2012



Today i was looking at the word „speculate“ and found this to be a very interesting word to look at, so much that I dedicate this blog-post to it so I can stop speculating about the word “speculate” and the spectacle of “speculation” within and as my mind.

Spec-u-late – Spectrum you relate – A spectrum/part of another i relate myself to

So in speculation I take a small bandwidth/part of something or someone and relate it to myself in my mind. Relating in the mind is done in comparing and judging the small part of something according to the judgements and believes that I have made myself up as.

I can speculate about something/someone in a “positive” way where I want to make myself “more” through gaining something from/through the being/situation/manifestation when I for example desire a particular relationship/being where I think that the small specific Spectrum/bandwidth that I have seen and defined them/it as would make me more/full if I have it. Thus I speculate about getting/having “that as them” and in this create an emotional experience towards “that”. In and as this internal speculation about a possible reality I create thought-based energy that make up an illusionary mind-reality with in and through which I am apparently more = ego.

In “negative” Speculation I take a spectrum/limited bandwidth/part of something or someone, or more specific of “who I have seen and perceived something or someone” and that I judge it as negative/wrong according to my own set of believes/judgements and relate it within and to myself/my mind in comparison to come to the conclusion that this being/manifestation/point is less than and or would make me less then. Where I am yet again in a thought-based illusionary mind-reality as superior = ego

Speck-u-late shows a more specific how extremely limited the mechanism is. A speck is a very, very small part-i-cul(culate as defined, finite, separte). We will for example take one specific point, a sentence or a memory to create and direct speculation about – to feed the mind and create a completely one-sided, or one-specked lol, blurred picture about something or someone, that only suits the own ego – and in this disregard and not consider the entirety of what the being or manifestation is let alone what the being really is as one as equal as life.

Speck-ul-hate / Speck-ul-love: The speck you love in another is the speck you hate/reject in yourself. What the heck a speck is a speck is only a speck.

Speck is also the term for a piece of meat that is smoked to preserve it:

Speck-ul-ate: I slice a piece of meat from another me to eat. However, it is not really another that I slice in pieces and eat to feed of as consciousness. I have this one piece/part/fragment of something/someone in my mind and use it to generate thoughts, feelings and emotions around it what is all energy-based, energy that is produced and generated in my own physical-body and thus what I use-up and abuse to feed of as consciousness is myself.

I slice a piece of meat from another me to eat – I consume myself within myself as I feed of the substance of the flesh in speculation as consciousness through the participation in thoughts, feelings and emotions.

The whole point is very interesting because speculation always exists in relation(ships) towards something and/or someone and as we basically are never able to “know” everything about something/someone: as soon as we “use” the mind to “think” about someone or something it is a speculation where only a small part/bandwidth is processed. Its like the nature of the mind/ego – Ego can not process/comprehend life and thus it separates into small parts/pieces that it can process and feed of.

The realisation that all human beings including myself constantly speculate about everything including each other left me quite nauseated for a while and brought up a rather scary, disgusting scenery: I see lots of human Gollum’s – GollHUMS – that sit and slurp around a gray empty landscape each chewing on some bone or piece of meat that is somehow connected/linked to and has been ribbed out of another of this cre(ep)tures. Lol, creepy gollhums

On Wall-Street the beings speculate about a piece of the cake which is the physical and from the perspective and realisation that speculation is only to push/further the own Ego I see a bunch of beings chasing after the ultimate flash as “winning” in a casino yet “losing” is also equated as necessary opposite that keeps the show going. And it is really a show that we have accepted and allowed as the current system of how what is here is distributed and managed. Managed and controlled by the elite and conducted by polarity-puppets where there should be living beings that care for, do and life what is best for all instead of moving according money as profit-speculation.

Speculation is mind-fucked participation. It is everywhere. Everywhere I separate something from the whole and create ideas/concepts and connect his with feelings and emotions instead actively being a part of what ever it is – in last consequence in/as the realisation of Life in Equality and Oneness – Everything else is speculation.

So in a Equality System or in a Life Equal and One there can be no Speculation as everything is always here Equal and One as participation. Speculation can only exist when Secrets exist hidden stuff desires/fear that one is not aware of and/or does not admit and communicate. A Equal Money System will enable the humans to open up, creep out of the secret mind camber through re-education as the fear and fight for survival will be eliminated and the connected stress alleviated. All Information and Knowledge will be available to all and so we will soon realize that “All that can be known is already known/here” and the Ego-game of knowledge-speck-ulation will come to an end. Fuck, I – for the second time now - want quote something but I don’t know the exact words but I guess/think it was Jesus that said that “Noting will be hidden, everything will come up and be seen” or something along those lines.

The whole point of speculation is really an existential thing. As I came home from work I started to watch a documentation about Crop-circles and there came up a few cool points firstly about the crop-circles seen from the perspective of Oneness and Equality but also how Speculation is the/a foundation for religion. Its called “Die neue Feldordnung” (New field order) as a innuendo to NOW. It starts of and ends more or less “objective” from the system-perspective as not giving a definitive explanation for the Phenomena and 2 years ago I would have been left wondering why/how? Wow!

The interesting part started with the points that they have like identified the cause from a force-perspective as circular force with a similar effect on the crop as/like microwaves would have, also they found/find small particles whose form suggest that they have been molten and went solid again as well dispersed in a linear gradient from the centre of the circle to the outline and that there is no know way/method how this is possible – WE don’t know how its done.

The next points are the patterns that are created and how we find the same in the crop-circles as in nature for example in shells, peacock, vegetables, snowflakes…whatever. That’s all like “ok, that is what we see and find existent here and we try to find/see the connections /relationships”

The next being and talks about the patterns that apparently influence the human sub consciousness and that he thinks “these patterns have a message for us” and they (the crop-circles “help us to make a step in evolution – the next necessary step” and they “help us to find our true purpose” and basically believes that this circles have the answer to the biggy for most humans “The meaning of Life”. So here we can already ask what? A pattern shall help us? How? Why do we need a/these patterns to tell us how we are/have to be?

What is prominent is that he/we tend to believe in some higher force that we adduct/consult when we as humans can not explain something – which has to be immediately questioned from the start in self-honesty: Can we really explain anything? I nearly typed CON we…and yes at the moment we rather/often only CON explain something - Then we find stuff like: The aliens were it! It has to do with the UFO-Phenomena. Some mighty nature-force…always some almighty superior godlike being/force that has DONE/CREATED IT.

But the cool stuff is still to come with the next being that explains they observe that “We experienced over the last years that, that which people think about appear as pattern in the field – Once we for example talked about the form of the Maltese Cross and the next day it emerged in a field. Then we were discussing if this may have something to do with the earth’s magnetic field and in this night it appeared directly behind our bed-and-breakfast a formation with a north and a south pole”. So obviously this is no prove for anything…for example that the beings have manifested the pattern through their thoughts, and that is not the point I am trying to make. I have seen a Portal-interview on the point of the crop-circles that I would want to insert here (searched but couldn’t find it) that came to my mind where the basic explanation was “All of existence as nature, human beings etc. manifest this together” and this quite obvious and simple seen from the perspective of Equality and Oneness. So also the human being humanity as a whole as signified in the “what people think: appears”

We may not know the specifics but lets see if this could not be an empowering and awesome perspective: WE create the crop-circles!

We are here; we are one with and equal to the planet actually there is no separation between you and the surrounding environment, the air, the molecules. Equally the crop and the manifestation of the crop-circles is here one with and equal to this physical existence, the planet. Whatever causes this imprinting of geometrical structures on the physical existence as some not fully understood force must be one with and equal to what is here as physical existance. Common-sense according to the physical laws this reality exists as that no physical object/thing can be moved through a force in separation. So – as nothing in this reality is really separate, it is just impossible, even in the understanding of current science.

The point that we do not get and seem to miss the whole time is that “We create what is here” and then we start to ask the questions what “Do they want to tell us – What is the message” instead of rather taking the points back to self and look what we want to see and realize our reflected desires/hopes/wishes – for example a alien-head or ANSWER from a “different race” with different DNA that was depicted in some of the circles – and realize that no alien is coming to take responsibility for what is here – what we have accepted and allowed to create through accumulation throughout the ages.

AND this is no blame-point as I only start to realize for myself what this really implies or means also about the human potential and the potential of what is here. It seems like the point/guess that ANU made/had as he was inquiring existence: “Maybe we are Creators that have forgotten that we are creators” and also “How” we did/do this is not clear.

 A power/source separate from us is defiantly a kind of god and in common sense does not solve anything – it creates more problems – because we still “have to” explain “how” is this possible? Obviously we are missing something! Lol.

The hallway of "Alice in Wonderland" - guess who is the alien that went down the rabbit-hole


Yeah, what has this now to do with speculation and religion? What the beings do is they separate the manifestation of the crop-circle as such from the rest or existence they create a speck and through observing it through the mind judging, defining it becomes a spec-trum of possible explanations so that ego/the mind can process it or in which the ego/mind tries to comprehend “it” however the simple point is:

“IT” is not separate from all of EXISTANCE and thus all of existence has manifested it together

What is in separation of the point/manifestation is our interpretation. Now we have created a spectrum of interpretation that we do not comprehend and thus it must be something supernatural/superior what we can see when the “crop-circles must help us” lol or “what is their important message for us”. So we just invent/create another God. Lol, it seems like everything we do not understand we speculate about and create a god or a devil out to blame for what we do not take responsibility for: A religion is born

Science is speculation
Society is speculation
Politic is speculation
Education is speculation
Money is speculation

Basically every point can be a point of speculation to create a ego-god and self-religion to feed this self-creation of separation when it is not taking all of life in to consideration as equl parts of the equation and then align the point to what is best for life. Then it is not speculation but the outflow: best for all.

Donnerstag, 5. April 2012

The ROAD LESS traveled. Realy DIFFERENT?

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept me as the part that I search and seek in females as support, nourishment and acceptance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in this moment think that I don´t know what self-acceptance is and should be, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “Self-acceptance What the fuck should that be? I can never accept myself”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I do not know “how” I should/could accept myself – instead of realizing that it is not about a doing something but a BEING self-acceptance and living full acceptance of me to take full responablity for me in every moment of breath – no more negligence of any kind, living fully all of myself – no more abdication of ability to respond to any part of me

I see that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word acceptance as negative, as a burden that I have to carry, I accept something only when I must usually I perceive that to be something that is a obligation – burdened on my by the outside that I have to apparently to accept otherwise I will face consequences. I have accepted the bullshit of others and accepted the bullshit of myself to, to compromise me, to kneel and bow down under my own fuckedness – I connect acceptance to weakness, I see and define it as weak, wretched dishonouring to accept something – I want be different because everything is lie and wrong/twisted bullshit. The accepted ways sucks and I want to puke on this shit. I don’t accept this bullshit and conform to the norm…
So I have seen and defined Acceptance in relation to the outside-world the society, the parents, relationships…what will I accept. “I can’t take anymore” was a song title which I would putsch me up with to create a raging energy within me and in this emotion feel “free”

So I have defined Acceptance in opposition and polarity to a(p)parent “Freedom” self-direction and independence, yes independence is the right word – because I have only ever accepted myself to be enslaved apparently! by others, society, family, friends/partner bearing their “shit” without seeing the judgements and victimization – I have connected acceptance to slavery, to chains, to submission, to victimization that I then projected out and onto this world and the beings and manifestations in it – instead of acting on and doing something about things that I do NOT want to accept in myself or my world – SO the point here is that I have my whole life accepted to live in submission, slavery and victimization towards and in my own mind binding myself with and to the minds ties the personal-i-ties, the relationship-ties, “living” existing in complete demise… of self only sitting on the shelf…waiting to be taken for a ride, to experience some sense of pride, desperately wanting/desiring to be of any Use – always for the mind – what an abUse  

That is why I have judged the word acceptance as negative/wrong and I would define acceptance as a loss as losing – when I accept this (for them) than I have lost…I see my acceptance was always outwardly orientated, thus I apparently do not “understand/see” what self-acceptance is. How can I accept me when I do not see me in/as acceptance because I look for acceptance outside of myself – as I have defined it there? No at all because I SEE acceptance in others.

The point of being different, always wanting/defining myself to be different is clearly a “dismissal” as a cruse-missile for self-acceptance, lol as I per definition “always want to be different/something/somebody” else not only to “who I am” but to every body else.

As I was taking a piss the point came up that/how I have participated in this point extensively so much that it has become like a subconscious or unconscious point where I do not even know/see when/that I participate in it…I would nearly say that this has become like a part of my beingness. Two points came up.

The first is my name and a definition: As I was a child I wrote my name in the family-circle on a piece of paper and instead of Andreas I wrote Anderas and my cousin like made fun of me, laught at me from what I perceive as the memory not like really “mean” but I felt intimidated or hurt that I wrote my own name wrong/false and the point also I wrote it different. 

It’s interesting because what comes up is that it seems like I did not want to “admit” that I wrote it “wrong/false” but defined that I just wrote it “different” and that I am different.

What I did was that: Anderas I read as Ander-as which in my mind I translated/read/defined as Anders-als, which means in English different-than/as, lol so I manipulated my name Andreas to Anders-als/different because of fearing/not wanting to make a mistake – and so define that I can/do not do something “wrong/false” but only “different” – not from a realisation that right/wrong, good/bad is an illusion but from hurt ego – so I defined myself as different in my very name because of a hurt ego. 

Like furthering/protecting the Ego saying “Fuck you all, that was/is not wrong – I am just different” … I mean it’s ultimately self-righteousness. Defining Self-righteousness as Difference as my “new” Name LOL…shit. Wow, I am like baffled by my own bullshit … but at the same time I have to smile or nearly laugh bout it because it is extremely ridicules… 

So here the word acceptance plays a role like: I just can´t accept myself to be-like everybody else – I have to be different…because I have to be right to prove/protect my Ego…lol and further, even more striking: MY NAME … Saublöd/damn stupid!

An implication of this that I have never allowed myself to admit/see/accept “failure/mistakes” and instead always turned it into something different: That is just my way. Thus also a hard time correcting myself – because I have defined the very difference that was actually a mistake as myself as right, that is like “all that I have”.

Also within this process a thing that I found cool or empowering was/is the “to not longer accept this and this”, but this was again mainly directed/projected onto the outside. Yes I really like to say and state that: I do not accept this in my world or this is simply unacceptable! Actually this was but feeding into the self-righteousness…because in this I had a foundation/backup as knowledge/information and also partly/more and more realisation and understanding that “It is not Acceptable!” and “I knew it, I was right!”

BUT – I didn’t do anything about it, and basically resorted to blame, i mean I spoke the statement basically in blame “This is unacceptable, do something about it, fucking stop it!” and this has to do with that I have defined that I have not made the “mistake/failure/sth. wrong” I am (just) different (than all others.) I do the things different.

A point that also came and still subtle come up with listening to the Anu-Interviews. Along the first 3-4 I would often go in my mind “You Fucker, such a fucker, look at him” where this automated blame and shifting of responsibility was quite present-ed to me as a present I see. Even so that I would get aggravated sometimes, lol. The Anu-series is really fascinating stuff!

Lol, this is fascinating because the point of that something can not be wrong/false/ failure and only different is basically “right” and cool but when I define the point as such it becomes “wrong a failure” as it becomes knowledge as Ego as self-righteousness 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn the realisation that failure/false/wrong does not exist into ego through defining that as there exists no real failure/false/wrong I can only do things different and this different is my own way

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this different is one and the same with what failure/false/wrong is defined in our system I have just given it another name to make myself “right”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn realisations into Ego through defining it as “my realisation” transforming it into knowledge and info in my own mind that I use suit me with in and as personality of self-righteousness

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that such a “realisation” is no realisation but becomes a memory of a realisation as knowledge and info in my mind that I define and suit my ego with – realisation is living what I have seen or understood into being in every moment so that it disappears and is here with me as me as a living reality

 So the point here is to simply not judge for example when I write/make a failure in a word -then I have not to make myself “right” again hiding behind “different” – and to accept it as me so that I can easily correct me without making a big drama around it…wrong, failure, false, good, right, success are all definitions unnecessary in the first place and simply not real.

The second point was a small …poem? that I found on a CD of a band that I identified very much at the time. Lol, I have never actually read the poem only imprinted and interpreted the last 3 lines and defined myself according to this interpretation in relation to “difference”

Cool, I looked it now up and found that it’s a poem by Robert Frost "The Road Not Taken".

It finished:

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I –

I took the one less travelled by,

And that has made all the difference.

Lol, interesting also the comment/interpretation that directly followed in the article:

“Noble, charismatic, wise: in the years since its composition, "The Road Not Taken" has been understood by some as an emblem of individual choice and self-reliance, a moral tale in which the traveller takes responsibility for – and so effects – his own destiny. But it was never intended to be read in this way by Frost, who was well aware of the playful ironies contained within it, and would warn audiences: "You have to be careful of that one; it's a tricky poem – very tricky."”

This a quite awesome, nearly perfect description of my experience towards this words. I had them written on the cover of my school-folder so every time I opened it I would read these words and I had the experience of having chosen to be different, to walk the other way than society walking alone in this world. Noble, yes that’s a cool word – It’s the illusion that there is a Free Choice in this world and this point of deliberately taking the “way less travelled” which equates somehow to “loss” but a deliberate “letting go of” the world, I nearly typed mould…, and go the own way.

Two roads diverged into a wood and I –

There are two ways that you can take in this world, what implies separation and polarity, so one is automatically equated with good/right and the other way with false/wrong. The wood was/is for me also a symbol for the mind, or it goes beyond “this world” like “there are two ways how you can live life/existence” so it was for me like a existential question like “How do you life/Who are you” and the obvious answer as an apparently free-choice / effort of myself: Different because I –

I took the one travelled less by

i can abstain from society, I don’t need the mould actually I don’t want to waste and poison my journey with them. In this I validate my self-created differentness through actively “choosing” making the decision to walk in opposition to the majority

And that has made all the difference

That is interesting because I for sometime connected than the difference to pride and really noble is a good word I was proud to be different in my mind-definition and could all my “not-fitting-in”, “social-disability” and plain “loner-life” explain or justify with an apparent deliberate choice and in this define my experiences as “valid”. At some point however I started to read and also write it like differences as conflict/disagreement/problems where then justified all that was “shit/uncool” in my life with this “choice”. It’s like a mixture of blame, self-pity an victimization again where I fall prey to my own invisible way/road. Drug problems of Conflict with authorities I would simply blame on the “way I have chosen” because it is bound to create/mean differences, not realizing that is only so per my definition that I am creating these consequences an all along the way – in fact this way of differences was the manifested consequence of the decision. Ok.  Which is me as conflict.

So this is another point that is relevant where I have defined myself as “different than everybody else” and thus a point where I have completely separated myself from self-acceptance. I have separated myself from self-acceptance through creating differences as conflicts/disagreement/problems quite deliberately to define myself with and as on “the way less travelled” – I have self-created a “hard way” to get/seem/travel different – What a Ego-trip, literally.

From this perspective most of my life has been a fight and struggle against self- acceptance and thus also the fear of the word acceptance and the connections to submission, slavery, weakness because when I accept myself as equal and others as equals as me I will lose difference = what I have defined myself as Ego.

Self-acceptance as self-equalization as life is Ego-death. So the point of “I don’t know how to accept myself” “I don’t understand what self-acceptance should be” is a cover up for fear of death of the mind or stopping the mind kind of a mechanism of the mind to create “a wall” “block” when I believe it and accept this points as me and want to give up and/or in as such a emotional experience of “wanting to give up/helplessness” is connected to this thoughts.

When and as I see myself wanting to give up, thinking I do not know or understand what a specific point as in this chase Self-acceptance is – I stop and breath – I realize that its my mind wanting to block, stop and make me give up or in – I realize that death will finally tear down and dissolve all walls and blocks of the mind as me if I do not take responsibility for myself and equalize myself to and as death of consciousness here - I realize and accept myself as Ego-death stop, forgive myself as mind and at the same time birth myself here as breath

Donnerstag, 15. März 2012

Sleeping - Tiredness


So, this post is about the sleeping-point and how I have accepted and allowed myself to let this point slip and manifest into an energyaddiction and hiding-place to not face myself and take responsibility throughout my day. Now I was quite aware of the point over the last 2 months or so but rather let myself more and more go in it, instead of directing and disciplining me to not oversleep.

It is clear to me that sleeping for around 5-6 hours is beneficial for various reasons. When I sleep for less that six hours I am less foggy throughout the day, which actually starts already immediately after awakening: I stand up within the first time the alarm goes of = 5 min and in this I do not allow myself to think (as much) and project all kinds of scenarios for my day -which are not even real “scenarios” as looking what I can/have to do, how I can organize my day in a self-supportive manner, but rather fear-based as “I have to do this, this, this,…” and sometimes I would really get a shock as an adrenaline-rush while lying in bed in half-sleep half-awake-state – which I do and participate in when I allow myself to give in an stay lying in bed and turning around for the 5 time after I initially woke up, literally “turning my back on life”.

So this mind-participation as turning-away/refusal and resistance I carry through my day when I give in to the apparently so convenient and comfortable energetic-experience of lying in bed. Today a memory of my father calling someone a “Sleeping-pill” came up and it’s like the best to describe the drugged, heavy feeling that I am facing and having accepted and allowed myself to accumulate in the Mornings.

Besides this there is the point of having more time when I sleep less, and what I have seen come up with this were thoughts of “What should I do with the whole day” “so much time”                   
which shows clearly the abdication of self-responsibility that I have allowed to use the sleep/tiredness as an excuse for – it was actually a fear towards having more time, so  I have to do more = fear of taking responsibility and facing myself in doing what i have to do.

As I was starting to participate with Desteni I had for about 4 weeks a night-job. In this time I would usually sleep short, around 5 hours and get up at midday – I would try to stay as much with and as breath as possible and had no problems with the sleep. Also, after starting to apply self-forgiveness I started to pay attention to the point, yeah …mainly with Jacks Self-forgiveness … this was really a completely new perspective on sleep/tiredness that made complete sense. The self-forgiveness spoken aloud had an immediate effect on me and it is very interesting because even now after having it spoken often I still see or realize or understand something “more” or a different perspective that I haven’t seen yet.

I have never really made it to pull through the 21days with less then 6 hours sleep and I see that here lies one of the accepted and allowed sources of the experience I face now. I have always allowed myself to fall on this because “its just sleeping” and “generally I stick to the six hours” but I kind of let this back-door for myself to when I want to sleep longer, which was basically bullshit and also how I have participated in it, because I would judge me for oversleeping when I slept more then what I should.

Cool, here I see the fuckup that the should and should nots can create because I am apparently bad I do something that I shouldn’t and I am good when I do what I should and in this I give ground to compare me, judge me and punish me or praise me = I define myself according to how much I sleep as a good/bad person instead of simply living by the principle of what is best for all as sleeping necessary amount to rest my human physical body and for the rest of the time support myself awake as a-life.

So this positive charge on sleeping “less than I usually do” and that “I would like to” shows that I have defined this point of sleeping as “a loss” and that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself because I have managed to some degree to sleep less.

This point came also up clearly as I was staying with my parents this summer and also work, I would stay up longer then them often read or write and especially my father would ask me “Don’t you ever go to bed?” and I would say “No, not yet” and I would feel superior and in fact self-righteous even if I would not admit it back then – because I remember looking at the point, so I can see that the point did come up but I could/did not face it to protect my ego. Because that is what I used the point for: To define myself as superior/better than my parents

In the last two-tree months I have let go of directing my sleeping-pattern more and more, where it was in the beginning only like one or two days a week that I would “oversleep” and immediately judged myself for it. So this starting-point of more-ality and superiority was the reason why I had to eventually fall on this point. The starting-point was of self-interest.

I went with it, stopped judging myself for oversleeping and developed a sleeping-pattern of sleeping about 6-8 hour hours with intense indulgence on the weekends, sometimes up to 10 hours. Nevertheless I would be tired and groggy/foggy throughout the day. I the mornings i would resist standing up and lay in bed for half an hour up to an hour – UUHHHAAA, I don’t want to get up…just let me sleep for another hour. This resistance I can also feel physically as Back-chat where my face is like pulling down and additional layer of …I concrete I wanted to write, lol…it feels like a layer of some kind of energetic fibre/cloth. 

Sometimes this resistance and refusal to get up was experienced to such an extent I would literally “scream” in my mind to “stand the fuck” up – you have stuff to do and then ignore it and turn around saying fuck you = already a big battle in the morning.

What I found with this resistance was that I created it to generate energy to do stuff that I ref-use-d ( re-fuse-d, re-for-use-d; reject for use...later) to do e.g. writing/working on the diploma thesis what is mostly related to not trusting myself. At some point I would then “jump up” and rush through my day in a anxious and intensely energetic way, what I “enjoyed” for the sake of the “rush” – from a certain (ego) perspective.

This resistance is connected to the idea of freedom the freedom to do what I want, looking back the freedom “from the system” “freedom from work” in sleeping long/oversleeping on the weekends – which is actually quite ironic because on the only free days what I had with working in the system I slept more half the day and in this wasted the time I had free for me, however also the way we have accepted and allowed the current working and economic-system to work in and as a polarity of leisure/free time and work for/in the system …which can also be equated to spending money and accumulating money.

It is the apparent freedom to not face myself, the believe that I can hide from myself “by freechoice” that I can/could choose to not face myself and world/reality = a backdoor and not possible in common sense: I will awake again and everything will still be here to be faced … only accumulated and less time. So there only one choice possible and that is to apply self-honesty in common sense or remain self-dishonest in/as ego.

Freedom is the Choice to apply Self-honesty, Self-forgiveness and Self-correction in every Moment of Breath until all Life is free all-ways HERE  

Connected to and a outflow of this resistance was a perception of power and control that I found also connected to and in Childhood/Teen-memories. My mother would wake me up for school in the mornings and I remember that I often would simply stay in bed until she would shout my name few times. I actually enjoyed my apparent power to stay lying in bed and not getting up just because she said it, which is again only ego and not wanting to face my day which was at this time – interestingly enough – also the “challenges” of self-expression and self-expansion = growth as I was in a “new big school”. This is fucked, what I actually did and do with this resistance is to define fear and suppression (= limitation) of self-expression and self-expansion as power and control.

That is stupid, lol, to believe that limiting self-growth is power and control…it is fear of loss.

So with sleeping as long as I want I am limiting my growth as self because of fear to loose “my freedom” the illusion of free-choice that I could possibly not face myself and remain ignorant to life

A general point about sleeping/tiredness is that I have layered the point with various connections and experiences, memories etc. Meaning that I would remove/see/forgive one point like the memory of “resistance to mother” and then have the mentioned freedom/work point come up. This are more like the foundational points or personality-patterns but there are also very specific things like the term “rude awakening/Übles Erwachen” that was connected to druguse/alcohol and literally not wanting to face myself in the mornings. So jeah, I guess through have now a basic overview of my past-experiences towards sleep/tiredness and now it´s to discipline me and assert myself to walk this into the common sense correction of aligning myself to 5-6 hours sleep a night.

As I was looking at the word work in self-forgiveness and the words I have connected it to the word tired was on the list. I started self-forgiveness and came exactly to the word tired, lol  there I stopped and left unfinished for the next days until the video-interview of Sunette came out “Mind-Challenges Faced with Sleeping” that was of great support to see what I am accepting and allowing in this point. Also it was like a kick in the ass to finally sort out and align this point/part of my life. Thanks, also cool the suggested application of correcting the posture.

Self-forgiveness on the word-connection of Work-Tired     

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the word work to the word tired
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word work within the word tired
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from the word work and the word tired through defining the word work within the word tired in separation of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that work makes me tired, instead of realizing, seeing and understanding that participation in and as the mind makes tired because in the tiredness the mind shows me that it needs regeneration and rejuvenation – not me but the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself in my ability to work through believing the mind when it tells me that it is tired, instead of realizing myself as work as one as equal to my human physical body where the cells work all the time in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that I only get tired and accumulate tiredness when I accept it as me through participation in the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify tiredness of the mind through having done work already or worked a lot, instead of realizing that in this I have allowed myself to separate myself from work as me. In this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from work with the outcome of manifesting tiredness, instead of standing one with and equal to whatever it is that I have to do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate my day and my participation within my world and reality into things that I enjoy doing and term as leisure that I do as me and things that I do not like to do, that I term as work and from which I separate myself into working-personality, instead of remaining here as the breath doing whatever it is that has to be done in the moment one with and equal to the moment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist work to not face me as what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as a working-personality and instead I try to hide behind tiredness, sleeping and withdrawing myself from reality

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish for “all that work” to end, instead of realizing that “all this work” only exists as a future-projection within my mind

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize what it is that has to be done in the moment and do it

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create future-projections as time-dimensions within my mind in and as which I enslave myself as movement as work, that I fill with all my fears and desires of what I must do and what I want to do, in which I get stuck and overwhelmed with, that are simply not reality here, instead of working with what is here in the moment as the breath constant, continuously here

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that it is not the actual points/experiences/work that I fear and that I hide from in and as tiredness and sleeping but my mind-projections of this points/experience/work

So I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the tiredness and the desire to sleep I experience at the moment is a mechanism in/of the mind to not do what needs to be done and face myself in the fear of change and fear of loss

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist my situation of getting effective in using my time as breath

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist facing to decide/educate myself about what I want to do next in my life

I forgive myself for accepted and allowing myself to resist taking responsibility in dedicating myself to writing the diploma thesis

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist facing self-doubts every moment of breath through living action in self-honesty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowed myself to create an energy addiction to tiredness and sleepy druggy convenience

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I need more than 5 hours sleep to be fully rested and ready to start my day, instead of being honest with myself in the realisation that I actually was more stable and aware with 5-6hours sleep

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the energetic addiction to sleep and tiredness as a separation-cloak with the excuse that “I have worked so much – It’s the work”, instead of being honest with myself in seeing that I actually was not working so much as well as not as effective/productive in the time of working that I could be

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe the thoughts in my mind that oversleeping/sleeping long and as “I desire” without discipline is supporting me with work that I have to do, because then I am apparently well rested

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see that in the morning-hours when I lie in bed for another hour because “its so convenient” and “I just do not want to get up already now” I am at the same time accumulating self-judgements as fear about what I have to do and that I should the fuck get up – to generate energy from conflict to generate the mind and personalities to not have to face the points in my world as myself

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see that in this I am not well rested but charged with back-chat energy created from fears, judgement, conflict

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that it is to be well rested when actually I am charged/pumped with fear/judgement energy and within this I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be honest with myself and see and accept that 5-6 hours sleep is sufficient to be well rested as the physical body and breath is here always even while sleeping – thus everything else is a energetic mind-fuck of tiredness that can be walked through and stopped over time   


I realize and accept that participation in and as the mind makes tired because in the tiredness the mind shows me that it needs regeneration and rejuvenation

I realize and accept that I only get tired and accumulate tiredness when I accept it as me through participation in the mind

I realize and accept myself as work as one as equal to my human physical body where the cells work all the time in every moment of breath

I realize and see that I have separated myself from work as me

I realize and live myself as one and equal to whatever it is that has to be done

I realize and accept myself as breath doing whatever is to do in the moment one with and equal to the moment

I realize and accept that “all this work” only exists within and as future-projection within my mind

I realize and accept what it is that has to be done in the moment and do it

I realize and accept myself as working with what is here in the moment as the breath continuously, constant here

I realize and accept that the tiredness and the desire to sleep that I experience at the moment is a mechanism of/in the mind to not really face myself in the fear of change and fear of loss

I realize and accept that I actually was more stable and aware with 5-6hours of sleep

I realize and accept that through sleeping more and “as I desire” I actually was not working so much as well as not as effective/productive in the time of working that I could be

I realize and accept that in the morning-hours when I lie in bed for another hour because “its so convenient” and “I just don’t want to get up already now” – I am at the same time accumulating self-judgement as fear about what I have to do and that I should get the fuck up- to generate energy from this conflict for the mind and personalities to not have to face specific point in my world as myself

 I realize and accept that 5-6 hours of sleep is sufficient to be well rested as the physical body and breath is always here, even while sleeping – so everything else – believe of needing more sleep- is a energetic mind-fuck of accepted and allowed tiredness that can be walked through and stopped

Corrective Statements

When and as I feel tired while working or blame tiredness on work – I stop and breathe – I realize that who I am as breath as life is not tired, what is tired and creates tiredness is the mind of separation – I realize myself equal as work as breath as the moment

When and as I see myself desiring to sleep more than 6 hours or wanting to justify it in any way – I stop and breathe – I realize and accept that 6 hours are enough as well as my self commitment, everything else is a mind-fuck – I push through the resistance to get out of bed or the energetic experience of tiredness – I breathe here

Donnerstag, 8. März 2012


Masturbation. A „hot“ topic…nearly everyone does it or at least has done it. And that which have never done it, also have now the chance to hear and be given perspective of what they are not doing. Basically it is irrelevant if you do it or not, because we –both groups- have a lot of definitions and judgements about masturbation and also sex, but do we really know what is going on when we participate in masturbation? We know that it “feels good” but why and what is that feeling?
When I was younger there was this saying: Masturbation makes you blind or you get a crippled back. Is this true??
What happens when we indulge in porn and masturbate? How does masturbation influence our relationships with other beings? Does Masturbation cause a possession?
Has masturbation something to do with consumerism?

The video-Interview “Shocking Secrets of Masturbation“ is the introduction of a series of   video-Interviews giving perspective on what exactly happens in the mind-consciousness-system of a being while masturbation and the “how come”, the development of masturbation from an individual and broader perspective. The videos are now available on Eqafe and a fascinating opportunity to see and understand in detail what is really going on when we “jerk off” or “give ourselves the kick”.

So check it out and educate yourself! Best to know what you’re doing.

I have heard the first one of the videos-interviews and was baffled as I saw today how a flirting-site is using exactly the presentations and mechanisms shared in this video. So I am already excited to hear the further perspective.

Video-Interviews on Eqafe    

Shocking Secrets of Masturbation 2 - The Masturbation God
Shocking Secrets of Masturbation 3 - Personifying Masturbation

Shocking Secrets of Masturbation 4 - Separation of Expression in Sex and Relationships

Shocking Secrets of Masturbation 5 - Creating the Internal Masturbation Reality

Mittwoch, 7. März 2012


This post is about coffee to look at my relationship with this drink over the last ten years or so.

In my teens I did not like or drink coffee in fact I rather was disgusted by it, which has something to do with the fact that I connected it to coffee parties and in this to “old females chatting”. I always tried to escape this points where I would have to present myself as a “well-behaved” boy. I kind of felt overwhelmed by their chattering what i especially disliked/hated was standing by when my mother and other relatives where talking about me – while I was standing by. Also a specific aunt comes to my mind and that always wanted to hug one…however it could also be that I kind of adopted this dislike for her from my mother something along those lines comes up. It´s interesting because I can see this same behaviour of taking possession within my mother and …within myself, lol.

I drank tea at this time and this had become and been my morning-drink. Black-tea with honey/sugar and lemon. I remember how I was really completely foggy and half sleeping until I drank the first sips of the tea and I experienced an immediate shift in my perception to: awake/aware – I can also look at it from the perceptive that besides sugar this was my first drug and also that from the whole point I created a believe that I need a special drink or concoction to “experience myself” to be awake and aware.

This point is also promoted in media already for kids  –as myself back then-, when I look at the Asterix Comics and Films were Miraculix brews the “magic elixir” that gives the normally small and from a perspective inferior Asterix immediate power and strength to move the next best fucking rock. Or “Popeye the Sailor” with his spinach-mindfuck!

My first experience with “coffee” was not as coffee but with caffeine as a substance. On the way to make holydays with a few friends in Croatia and I was kind of tired or bored. Also I was already into drugs at that time and so this was like “just another drug”. I made the connection to coffee as a drug and stimulant before i even tasted coffee itself, as said rather disliked it and also caffeine-based products such as energy-drinks, what may have its origin in a situation where I saw a school colleague having a circulatory collapse after drinking Red Bull. I have spited him because of “such a small drink knocks him out” also because he was physically superior and his was a chance to take revenge in my mind. Another point is that I must have defined and created a believe from this that “Red Bull = Caffeine has an effect/strong effect” when it even knocks this physically strong being out. So that I had like “my reasons” to stay away from coffee and energy-drinks till this holiday. I also had no reason to use caffeine-based products because I like “had enough energy”, actually I did also not want to be more awake or stimulated in this way, because I was smoking a lot of pot at this time and I preferred that. Actually I judged and questioned beings that did use coffee/caffeine.

It is fascinating to see how it was always about the effect of coffee for me – Which is a believe.

Shortly after this I started to work and after work would be the first times that I would really feel tired – something that I did not experience in school were one is rather undermoved – unmotivated to do something with the remaining day. I started then drinking energy-drink after work, immediately after work in the car and that would give me a “nice push” and a feeling of upliftment and I was like ready to forget work and do something else.

At work I started then also to drink coffee to the breaks in the morning and around this time started my whole “caffemania”. I bought myself such a very small coffee-machine with a filter that you can use 10000 times (or so) that makes one cup at a time, but you could vary how strong you want to make the coffee with putting more or less powder in. From then on this was the first thing to do in the morning. I also started buying coffee-cans on the way to the work. 

In this working-years i really mutated to a coffee-freak I wanted to write, however there was also my “private life/drug abuse” that facilitated this development because coffee and/or caffeine would be/become a substitute and “hangover-killer” to keep me going at all. To give me some kind of Push/Energy based on the believe that it i need it… this push and energy. Even in times were I was near crying and extremely jittery, in fear … I gave myself the next fear-push to jitter along lol omg…As I was working at a lab were we had caffeine stored, I would wait until the other workers were out of sight and than fast, fast open the locker get caffeine and vitamin C, mix and drink it, or do extensive quantities because of feeling “bored” …huge amounts of instant-coffee-powder only with warm water.

I kind of laugh about this insanity now, but on the other hand it is not so cool what I have like put my body trough and also my mind, I mean it was like a constant fear stimulation at this time, fear stress nervousness accu-mulation = sudden death

Since I am studying coffee has still been a important point and I also still noticed an effect, however also started more to enjoy it as such. It had become a habit as the first thing to do when i get into School to check out the coffee-machine and it has also remained the first thing to do in the morning…so no much change from the pattern-perspective.

With participating in Desteni, reading for example the perspective of a Coffee-Cup, and also stopping to add sugar to the coffee the energetic aspect and experience “greatly diminished” however it remained a habit and the first thing to do in the morning. Also I enjoyed coffee very much together reading/writing and computer-work lol coooofffffeee…!!

Now, in the process of stopping to drink other liquid then water, coffee had to go and there are a few interesting points that opened up since then. As I was deciding this I was like very excited/energetic to do this and laughed and like “yeah lets do this”.

 I went to a some friends on the evening and on the way I applied self-forgiveness on coffee and one of the first points was actually a fear of experiencing physical withdrawal-symptoms, but I did not realize it as a fear instead I ab-used self-forgiveness as:

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I will/can experience physical withdrawal from stopping coffee”

Actually I was covering up the “old fears” that I have created in relation to withdrawal-symptoms through experiences in the past.

I had back-chat coming up …actually the whole time from the decision … that “Now there is nothing left” “Now I have nothing more” – signifying THAT I HAVE seen and experienced it as a loss… what I wanted to initially overplay/override with “No problem, not for me…a challenge” which is Ego and in this I can see how I have done this with a lot of things, beings, points in my life because I did not want to face the “real me” as greed and desire for sth. special/specific = addiction

 There is also a quite “dangerous” believe coming up that I have programmed myself with:

“I can stop IT at anytime I want”
Which firstly implies separation in ME and IT and also Superiority to IT. I used this as a justification/make-believe in relation to my pot-habit/addiction towards my parents and also myself … when reality clearly showed another picture. I was not willing to practically prove or test this believe trough stopping… because I knew that then this part of my self(-religion) will stop and the shit beneath it will well forth.    
It is a sabotage-mechanism of the mind so that I do not do/stop something for real
It is a cover-up mechanism to hide and suppress fear of loss and fear of change
It is a mechanism to keep on going the same “deadly” road – the middle-road of I see something but I do not want to act on it
It is a protection mechanism for a part of my self-religion
It is a lack of understanding

When I look at it from the perspective of stopping myself as the mind and how I have allowed myself to play out and life this believe that is a cool starting-point for self-forgiveness

So - reality showed me also in this point of stopping coffee better then my believes and for three days or so I felt physically weak, like I am getting the flu, bone-aches and I was fucking tired and slept a lot. I was suspecting but not accepting that it could have to do with the coffee until I was one day doing the dishes and thinking about coffee. Something triggered it and I had a big desire come up, also for cigarettes…coffee and a cigarette lol. That the cigarette-point is still there with such a “powerful desire” astonished me but over the last days the connections unfold slowly.

While doing self-forgiveness the point came up that I have connected coffee to flavour – the flavour of life lol – and within this a memory of self-programming:
I was sitting with a friend that I admired for “his style” and being liked/popular at school in the room of my girlfriend. We had a little voice-recorder and a pack of cigarettes, as we tried to record something that was cool or funny we found the advertisement-sentence on the cig-pack: Come to where the flavour is – Come to Marlboro-Country. We repeated and recorded the sentence like a hundred times or so, imitating each other emphasizing and pronouncing the sentence and words in “meaningful” “mysterious” ways lol and than hearing it again… I became quite fascinated with this and we laugh a lot = lots of emotions/feelings connected

With this sentence I sent myself in-to tense to search for the “flavour”…and where? In the fucking marlboro-country, the desert of self-abuse and addiction. My own Sentence according to my self-judgement that I am not good enough I need more “style” to be popular and liked

I really created a fucking voice in my head through repeatedly physically recording an advertisement combined with emotional participation

What is suggested in this advertisement is that the flavour is not here, the flavour is missing. Flavour of/as life obviously, and that “they have “they” flavour have the flavour and they are the tabak industry. The flavour of Life is defined in a stick that burns down and costs money.
Flavour also being equated with experience/freedom/adventure in my mind as well as in the advertisements for example the flavour of beer “frisisch herb” and then a stormy beach-scenery is presented with no people and an open wide sea…or a sailing ship. Choose your brainwashing!

Anyway, it is like I have defined the “flavour of life” in separation within something outside of me: drugs - and within this I have defined that I need something/a drug to experience something.

Coffee was now the last support-pillar of these substance-addictions/habits and thus the thoughts of “Now I have nothing left”  “Now I have nothing anymore”

Another interesting aspect is that I have seen and defined coffee as some kind of “luxury-item” and thus it is reflecting wealth to be able to drink coffee. I want to wonder “from which century is this believe” but in fact coffee is in our current system a luxury-item that not every being can afford and so it is/can be a point of worth-judgement and separation if one is not aware of it.
 Historically –for those that have gone before us- it was something special and scarce. A believe that is now used in the brainwashing of our system.

That is an interesting topic in it self and I am wondering: Will coffee still exist in an Equal Money System…Maybe I come back on this point later.