Thursday, April 12, 2012

Separation from Communication


I have often felt that I am not good enough and not fitting with other people, I have long times not enjoyed conversation/communication because I have thought that I have noting to talk about and while communicating with random beings/in society I constantly think I am at the wrong place, I can not express/share who I am nobody wants to hear “that”, and that what I have to say is not good (enough) or bad news.

 Thus I hold back in communication and nearly not ever simply speak I think-speak. I control very specific what I say and judge every word to “stay in character” which was often like being a rock-manifestation especially with “new” beings or beings I would experience feelings towards, where I would feel/experience something that I could not deny I would go into this shutting-down – It is like ultra-hard to imagine me simply expressing to a female that I enjoy her for whatever reason “I enjoy your presence – I like you” or similar physical-expressions as laughing, smiling, having “fun” together or talking words that create energy as/of like a “normal friendship/relationship” expressing appreciation, affection, sympathy (and I see/experience myself right now having as sarcastic/judgemental/spiting grin “What bullshit – that does not exist”) or also/even with males I would in all my relationships/friendships doubt myself and the validity of the expression as “Fake/Masquerade”  and accordingly experienced myself as an actor.

 I realize that I have never communicated with anyone not even myself. When I had friends visiting or was visiting friends this was always literally an “Act” where I was really anxious and thinking, thinking, thinking …acting, acting, acting in a certain way. I mean sometimes this flowed pretty easy because I was so “in love” with my role that I identified myself with it so much that I did not at all realize I am acting in a certain role with this or this being – Also this Acts and roles had different time-frames and can seem to last for fucking ever so that in the middle – the climax – all the feelings and emotions make the drama seem quite real. 

A Relationship is like a movie within oneself, more specifically such a “film-reel” in an old theatre: It has a beginning and an end and in the middle: Flickering light as pictures projected onto the surface of a wall. These projections of dark become the wall -the veil- of separation from each other. And then the film runs out and the roll rotates unless in the dark.

For the most part I was than rather glad when I was alone again and I felt/experienced it actually as draining to be with others and participate for a period of time because it like inevitably lead to acting in a character what cost energy – interesting to see now that I would experience myself often like not necessarily abused but pushed up and in kind of a energetic rush after visits of/by beings, where I had firstly to create and then fuel the emotional/energetic experience towards other beings so to participate with them within the specific construct of relations = relationship  in the known/minded way. 

The residual energy-creation stayed for a while and let then to a low or feeling wired. Fuck, I see how I have already on the way to beings often generated energy and so-to-speak uploaded a specific personality through for example Music, singing, thinking or previously also lots with drugs! before meeting beings, going out or being visited.

In Germany there is/we have a downright ritual before u go to a party or otherwise out the beings meet up in someones place zum/to “Vor-Saufen”/ “PRE-BOOZE” –lol that´s a word…preboss pre-BOSS – preparing the/to boss lol generating the ego and booozzzinnngg away any kind of fear before one is even able to leave the house…yeah I know this-one … is like setting the illusion-projector on full power to please not in any way see what is really going on – within oneself. 

As everyone does this and only project the own illusions it becomes clear why communication does not exist only pre-programs running messing up the place.

These are some points where/why/how I have separated myself from simply expressing myself in the moment and communication with beings because I am apparently not able to enjoy myself with others. I see that I only THINK that I do not enjoy or am able to enjoy myself with others and I see that the behaviour that I really liked in my ex-partner as directly expressing herself in the moment WITHOUT THINKING OR JUDGING what I “feel/experience about the situation and/or others” is the solution to my apparent disability to enjoy myself in communication with others– also in the realisation that whatever I feel/think about others is in fact me judging me. Participation instead of Speculation.

Monday, April 9, 2012

SPECULATION


SPECULATE

Today i was looking at the word „speculate“ and found this to be a very interesting word to look at, so much that I dedicate this blog-post to it so I can stop speculating about the word “speculate” and the spectacle of “speculation” within and as my mind.

Spec-u-late – Spectrum you relate – A spectrum/part of another i relate myself to

So in speculation I take a small bandwidth/part of something or someone and relate it to myself in my mind. Relating in the mind is done in comparing and judging the small part of something according to the judgements and believes that I have made myself up as.

I can speculate about something/someone in a “positive” way where I want to make myself “more” through gaining something from/through the being/situation/manifestation when I for example desire a particular relationship/being where I think that the small specific Spectrum/bandwidth that I have seen and defined them/it as would make me more/full if I have it. Thus I speculate about getting/having “that as them” and in this create an emotional experience towards “that”. In and as this internal speculation about a possible reality I create thought-based energy that make up an illusionary mind-reality with in and through which I am apparently more = ego.

In “negative” Speculation I take a spectrum/limited bandwidth/part of something or someone, or more specific of “who I have seen and perceived something or someone” and that I judge it as negative/wrong according to my own set of believes/judgements and relate it within and to myself/my mind in comparison to come to the conclusion that this being/manifestation/point is less than and or would make me less then. Where I am yet again in a thought-based illusionary mind-reality as superior = ego

Speck-u-late shows a more specific how extremely limited the mechanism is. A speck is a very, very small part-i-cul(culate as defined, finite, separte). We will for example take one specific point, a sentence or a memory to create and direct speculation about – to feed the mind and create a completely one-sided, or one-specked lol, blurred picture about something or someone, that only suits the own ego – and in this disregard and not consider the entirety of what the being or manifestation is let alone what the being really is as one as equal as life.

Speck-ul-hate / Speck-ul-love: The speck you love in another is the speck you hate/reject in yourself. What the heck a speck is a speck is only a speck.

Speck is also the term for a piece of meat that is smoked to preserve it:

Speck-ul-ate: I slice a piece of meat from another me to eat. However, it is not really another that I slice in pieces and eat to feed of as consciousness. I have this one piece/part/fragment of something/someone in my mind and use it to generate thoughts, feelings and emotions around it what is all energy-based, energy that is produced and generated in my own physical-body and thus what I use-up and abuse to feed of as consciousness is myself.

I slice a piece of meat from another me to eat – I consume myself within myself as I feed of the substance of the flesh in speculation as consciousness through the participation in thoughts, feelings and emotions.

The whole point is very interesting because speculation always exists in relation(ships) towards something and/or someone and as we basically are never able to “know” everything about something/someone: as soon as we “use” the mind to “think” about someone or something it is a speculation where only a small part/bandwidth is processed. Its like the nature of the mind/ego – Ego can not process/comprehend life and thus it separates into small parts/pieces that it can process and feed of.

The realisation that all human beings including myself constantly speculate about everything including each other left me quite nauseated for a while and brought up a rather scary, disgusting scenery: I see lots of human Gollum’s – GollHUMS – that sit and slurp around a gray empty landscape each chewing on some bone or piece of meat that is somehow connected/linked to and has been ribbed out of another of this cre(ep)tures. Lol, creepy gollhums

On Wall-Street the beings speculate about a piece of the cake which is the physical and from the perspective and realisation that speculation is only to push/further the own Ego I see a bunch of beings chasing after the ultimate flash as “winning” in a casino yet “losing” is also equated as necessary opposite that keeps the show going. And it is really a show that we have accepted and allowed as the current system of how what is here is distributed and managed. Managed and controlled by the elite and conducted by polarity-puppets where there should be living beings that care for, do and life what is best for all instead of moving according money as profit-speculation.

Speculation is mind-fucked participation. It is everywhere. Everywhere I separate something from the whole and create ideas/concepts and connect his with feelings and emotions instead actively being a part of what ever it is – in last consequence in/as the realisation of Life in Equality and Oneness – Everything else is speculation.

So in a Equality System or in a Life Equal and One there can be no Speculation as everything is always here Equal and One as participation. Speculation can only exist when Secrets exist hidden stuff desires/fear that one is not aware of and/or does not admit and communicate. A Equal Money System will enable the humans to open up, creep out of the secret mind camber through re-education as the fear and fight for survival will be eliminated and the connected stress alleviated. All Information and Knowledge will be available to all and so we will soon realize that “All that can be known is already known/here” and the Ego-game of knowledge-speck-ulation will come to an end. Fuck, I – for the second time now - want quote something but I don’t know the exact words but I guess/think it was Jesus that said that “Noting will be hidden, everything will come up and be seen” or something along those lines.

The whole point of speculation is really an existential thing. As I came home from work I started to watch a documentation about Crop-circles and there came up a few cool points firstly about the crop-circles seen from the perspective of Oneness and Equality but also how Speculation is the/a foundation for religion. Its called “Die neue Feldordnung” (New field order) as a innuendo to NOW. It starts of and ends more or less “objective” from the system-perspective as not giving a definitive explanation for the Phenomena and 2 years ago I would have been left wondering why/how? Wow!

The interesting part started with the points that they have like identified the cause from a force-perspective as circular force with a similar effect on the crop as/like microwaves would have, also they found/find small particles whose form suggest that they have been molten and went solid again as well dispersed in a linear gradient from the centre of the circle to the outline and that there is no know way/method how this is possible – WE don’t know how its done.

The next points are the patterns that are created and how we find the same in the crop-circles as in nature for example in shells, peacock, vegetables, snowflakes…whatever. That’s all like “ok, that is what we see and find existent here and we try to find/see the connections /relationships”

The next being and talks about the patterns that apparently influence the human sub consciousness and that he thinks “these patterns have a message for us” and they (the crop-circles “help us to make a step in evolution – the next necessary step” and they “help us to find our true purpose” and basically believes that this circles have the answer to the biggy for most humans “The meaning of Life”. So here we can already ask what? A pattern shall help us? How? Why do we need a/these patterns to tell us how we are/have to be?

What is prominent is that he/we tend to believe in some higher force that we adduct/consult when we as humans can not explain something – which has to be immediately questioned from the start in self-honesty: Can we really explain anything? I nearly typed CON we…and yes at the moment we rather/often only CON explain something - Then we find stuff like: The aliens were it! It has to do with the UFO-Phenomena. Some mighty nature-force…always some almighty superior godlike being/force that has DONE/CREATED IT.

But the cool stuff is still to come with the next being that explains they observe that “We experienced over the last years that, that which people think about appear as pattern in the field – Once we for example talked about the form of the Maltese Cross and the next day it emerged in a field. Then we were discussing if this may have something to do with the earth’s magnetic field and in this night it appeared directly behind our bed-and-breakfast a formation with a north and a south pole”. So obviously this is no prove for anything…for example that the beings have manifested the pattern through their thoughts, and that is not the point I am trying to make. I have seen a Portal-interview on the point of the crop-circles that I would want to insert here (searched but couldn’t find it) that came to my mind where the basic explanation was “All of existence as nature, human beings etc. manifest this together” and this quite obvious and simple seen from the perspective of Equality and Oneness. So also the human being humanity as a whole as signified in the “what people think: appears”

We may not know the specifics but lets see if this could not be an empowering and awesome perspective: WE create the crop-circles!

We are here; we are one with and equal to the planet actually there is no separation between you and the surrounding environment, the air, the molecules. Equally the crop and the manifestation of the crop-circles is here one with and equal to this physical existence, the planet. Whatever causes this imprinting of geometrical structures on the physical existence as some not fully understood force must be one with and equal to what is here as physical existance. Common-sense according to the physical laws this reality exists as that no physical object/thing can be moved through a force in separation. So – as nothing in this reality is really separate, it is just impossible, even in the understanding of current science.

The point that we do not get and seem to miss the whole time is that “We create what is here” and then we start to ask the questions what “Do they want to tell us – What is the message” instead of rather taking the points back to self and look what we want to see and realize our reflected desires/hopes/wishes – for example a alien-head or ANSWER from a “different race” with different DNA that was depicted in some of the circles – and realize that no alien is coming to take responsibility for what is here – what we have accepted and allowed to create through accumulation throughout the ages.

AND this is no blame-point as I only start to realize for myself what this really implies or means also about the human potential and the potential of what is here. It seems like the point/guess that ANU made/had as he was inquiring existence: “Maybe we are Creators that have forgotten that we are creators” and also “How” we did/do this is not clear.



 A power/source separate from us is defiantly a kind of god and in common sense does not solve anything – it creates more problems – because we still “have to” explain “how” is this possible? Obviously we are missing something! Lol.

The hallway of "Alice in Wonderland" - guess who is the alien that went down the rabbit-hole



                               

Yeah, what has this now to do with speculation and religion? What the beings do is they separate the manifestation of the crop-circle as such from the rest or existence they create a speck and through observing it through the mind judging, defining it becomes a spec-trum of possible explanations so that ego/the mind can process it or in which the ego/mind tries to comprehend “it” however the simple point is:

“IT” is not separate from all of EXISTANCE and thus all of existence has manifested it together

What is in separation of the point/manifestation is our interpretation. Now we have created a spectrum of interpretation that we do not comprehend and thus it must be something supernatural/superior what we can see when the “crop-circles must help us” lol or “what is their important message for us”. So we just invent/create another God. Lol, it seems like everything we do not understand we speculate about and create a god or a devil out to blame for what we do not take responsibility for: A religion is born

Science is speculation
Society is speculation
Politic is speculation
Education is speculation
Money is speculation

Basically every point can be a point of speculation to create a ego-god and self-religion to feed this self-creation of separation when it is not taking all of life in to consideration as equl parts of the equation and then align the point to what is best for life. Then it is not speculation but the outflow: best for all.
    

Thursday, April 5, 2012

The ROAD LESS traveled. Realy DIFFERENT?

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept me as the part that I search and seek in females as support, nourishment and acceptance

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to in this moment think that I don´t know what self-acceptance is and should be, I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think “Self-acceptance What the fuck should that be? I can never accept myself”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I do not know “how” I should/could accept myself – instead of realizing that it is not about a doing something but a BEING self-acceptance and living full acceptance of me to take full responablity for me in every moment of breath – no more negligence of any kind, living fully all of myself – no more abdication of ability to respond to any part of me


Acceptance
I see that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word acceptance as negative, as a burden that I have to carry, I accept something only when I must usually I perceive that to be something that is a obligation – burdened on my by the outside that I have to apparently to accept otherwise I will face consequences. I have accepted the bullshit of others and accepted the bullshit of myself to, to compromise me, to kneel and bow down under my own fuckedness – I connect acceptance to weakness, I see and define it as weak, wretched dishonouring to accept something – I want be different because everything is lie and wrong/twisted bullshit. The accepted ways sucks and I want to puke on this shit. I don’t accept this bullshit and conform to the norm…
 
So I have seen and defined Acceptance in relation to the outside-world the society, the parents, relationships…what will I accept. “I can’t take anymore” was a song title which I would putsch me up with to create a raging energy within me and in this emotion feel “free”

So I have defined Acceptance in opposition and polarity to a(p)parent “Freedom” self-direction and independence, yes independence is the right word – because I have only ever accepted myself to be enslaved apparently! by others, society, family, friends/partner bearing their “shit” without seeing the judgements and victimization – I have connected acceptance to slavery, to chains, to submission, to victimization that I then projected out and onto this world and the beings and manifestations in it – instead of acting on and doing something about things that I do NOT want to accept in myself or my world – SO the point here is that I have my whole life accepted to live in submission, slavery and victimization towards and in my own mind binding myself with and to the minds ties the personal-i-ties, the relationship-ties, “living” existing in complete demise… of self only sitting on the shelf…waiting to be taken for a ride, to experience some sense of pride, desperately wanting/desiring to be of any Use – always for the mind – what an abUse  

That is why I have judged the word acceptance as negative/wrong and I would define acceptance as a loss as losing – when I accept this (for them) than I have lost…I see my acceptance was always outwardly orientated, thus I apparently do not “understand/see” what self-acceptance is. How can I accept me when I do not see me in/as acceptance because I look for acceptance outside of myself – as I have defined it there? No at all because I SEE acceptance in others.

The point of being different, always wanting/defining myself to be different is clearly a “dismissal” as a cruse-missile for self-acceptance, lol as I per definition “always want to be different/something/somebody” else not only to “who I am” but to every body else.

As I was taking a piss the point came up that/how I have participated in this point extensively so much that it has become like a subconscious or unconscious point where I do not even know/see when/that I participate in it…I would nearly say that this has become like a part of my beingness. Two points came up.


The first is my name and a definition: As I was a child I wrote my name in the family-circle on a piece of paper and instead of Andreas I wrote Anderas and my cousin like made fun of me, laught at me from what I perceive as the memory not like really “mean” but I felt intimidated or hurt that I wrote my own name wrong/false and the point also I wrote it different. 

It’s interesting because what comes up is that it seems like I did not want to “admit” that I wrote it “wrong/false” but defined that I just wrote it “different” and that I am different.

What I did was that: Anderas I read as Ander-as which in my mind I translated/read/defined as Anders-als, which means in English different-than/as, lol so I manipulated my name Andreas to Anders-als/different because of fearing/not wanting to make a mistake – and so define that I can/do not do something “wrong/false” but only “different” – not from a realisation that right/wrong, good/bad is an illusion but from hurt ego – so I defined myself as different in my very name because of a hurt ego. 

Like furthering/protecting the Ego saying “Fuck you all, that was/is not wrong – I am just different” … I mean it’s ultimately self-righteousness. Defining Self-righteousness as Difference as my “new” Name LOL…shit. Wow, I am like baffled by my own bullshit … but at the same time I have to smile or nearly laugh bout it because it is extremely ridicules… 

So here the word acceptance plays a role like: I just can´t accept myself to be-like everybody else – I have to be different…because I have to be right to prove/protect my Ego…lol and further, even more striking: MY NAME … Saublöd/damn stupid!

An implication of this that I have never allowed myself to admit/see/accept “failure/mistakes” and instead always turned it into something different: That is just my way. Thus also a hard time correcting myself – because I have defined the very difference that was actually a mistake as myself as right, that is like “all that I have”.

Also within this process a thing that I found cool or empowering was/is the “to not longer accept this and this”, but this was again mainly directed/projected onto the outside. Yes I really like to say and state that: I do not accept this in my world or this is simply unacceptable! Actually this was but feeding into the self-righteousness…because in this I had a foundation/backup as knowledge/information and also partly/more and more realisation and understanding that “It is not Acceptable!” and “I knew it, I was right!”

BUT – I didn’t do anything about it, and basically resorted to blame, i mean I spoke the statement basically in blame “This is unacceptable, do something about it, fucking stop it!” and this has to do with that I have defined that I have not made the “mistake/failure/sth. wrong” I am (just) different (than all others.) I do the things different.


A point that also came and still subtle come up with listening to the Anu-Interviews. Along the first 3-4 I would often go in my mind “You Fucker, such a fucker, look at him” where this automated blame and shifting of responsibility was quite present-ed to me as a present I see. Even so that I would get aggravated sometimes, lol. The Anu-series is really fascinating stuff!


Lol, this is fascinating because the point of that something can not be wrong/false/ failure and only different is basically “right” and cool but when I define the point as such it becomes “wrong a failure” as it becomes knowledge as Ego as self-righteousness 


I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn the realisation that failure/false/wrong does not exist into ego through defining that as there exists no real failure/false/wrong I can only do things different and this different is my own way

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this different is one and the same with what failure/false/wrong is defined in our system I have just given it another name to make myself “right”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to turn realisations into Ego through defining it as “my realisation” transforming it into knowledge and info in my own mind that I use suit me with in and as personality of self-righteousness

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that such a “realisation” is no realisation but becomes a memory of a realisation as knowledge and info in my mind that I define and suit my ego with – realisation is living what I have seen or understood into being in every moment so that it disappears and is here with me as me as a living reality

 So the point here is to simply not judge for example when I write/make a failure in a word -then I have not to make myself “right” again hiding behind “different” – and to accept it as me so that I can easily correct me without making a big drama around it…wrong, failure, false, good, right, success are all definitions unnecessary in the first place and simply not real.

 
The second point was a small …poem? that I found on a CD of a band that I identified very much at the time. Lol, I have never actually read the poem only imprinted and interpreted the last 3 lines and defined myself according to this interpretation in relation to “difference”

Cool, I looked it now up and found that it’s a poem by Robert Frost "The Road Not Taken".


It finished:

I shall be telling this with a sigh

Somewhere ages and ages hence:

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I –

I took the one less travelled by,

And that has made all the difference.


Lol, interesting also the comment/interpretation that directly followed in the article:

“Noble, charismatic, wise: in the years since its composition, "The Road Not Taken" has been understood by some as an emblem of individual choice and self-reliance, a moral tale in which the traveller takes responsibility for – and so effects – his own destiny. But it was never intended to be read in this way by Frost, who was well aware of the playful ironies contained within it, and would warn audiences: "You have to be careful of that one; it's a tricky poem – very tricky."”

This a quite awesome, nearly perfect description of my experience towards this words. I had them written on the cover of my school-folder so every time I opened it I would read these words and I had the experience of having chosen to be different, to walk the other way than society walking alone in this world. Noble, yes that’s a cool word – It’s the illusion that there is a Free Choice in this world and this point of deliberately taking the “way less travelled” which equates somehow to “loss” but a deliberate “letting go of” the world, I nearly typed mould…, and go the own way.


Two roads diverged into a wood and I –

There are two ways that you can take in this world, what implies separation and polarity, so one is automatically equated with good/right and the other way with false/wrong. The wood was/is for me also a symbol for the mind, or it goes beyond “this world” like “there are two ways how you can live life/existence” so it was for me like a existential question like “How do you life/Who are you” and the obvious answer as an apparently free-choice / effort of myself: Different because I –


I took the one travelled less by

i can abstain from society, I don’t need the mould actually I don’t want to waste and poison my journey with them. In this I validate my self-created differentness through actively “choosing” making the decision to walk in opposition to the majority


And that has made all the difference

That is interesting because I for sometime connected than the difference to pride and really noble is a good word I was proud to be different in my mind-definition and could all my “not-fitting-in”, “social-disability” and plain “loner-life” explain or justify with an apparent deliberate choice and in this define my experiences as “valid”. At some point however I started to read and also write it like differences as conflict/disagreement/problems where then justified all that was “shit/uncool” in my life with this “choice”. It’s like a mixture of blame, self-pity an victimization again where I fall prey to my own invisible way/road. Drug problems of Conflict with authorities I would simply blame on the “way I have chosen” because it is bound to create/mean differences, not realizing that is only so per my definition that I am creating these consequences an all along the way – in fact this way of differences was the manifested consequence of the decision. Ok.  Which is me as conflict.

So this is another point that is relevant where I have defined myself as “different than everybody else” and thus a point where I have completely separated myself from self-acceptance. I have separated myself from self-acceptance through creating differences as conflicts/disagreement/problems quite deliberately to define myself with and as on “the way less travelled” – I have self-created a “hard way” to get/seem/travel different – What a Ego-trip, literally.

From this perspective most of my life has been a fight and struggle against self- acceptance and thus also the fear of the word acceptance and the connections to submission, slavery, weakness because when I accept myself as equal and others as equals as me I will lose difference = what I have defined myself as Ego.

Self-acceptance as self-equalization as life is Ego-death. So the point of “I don’t know how to accept myself” “I don’t understand what self-acceptance should be” is a cover up for fear of death of the mind or stopping the mind kind of a mechanism of the mind to create “a wall” “block” when I believe it and accept this points as me and want to give up and/or in as such a emotional experience of “wanting to give up/helplessness” is connected to this thoughts.


When and as I see myself wanting to give up, thinking I do not know or understand what a specific point as in this chase Self-acceptance is – I stop and breath – I realize that its my mind wanting to block, stop and make me give up or in – I realize that death will finally tear down and dissolve all walls and blocks of the mind as me if I do not take responsibility for myself and equalize myself to and as death of consciousness here - I realize and accept myself as Ego-death stop, forgive myself as mind and at the same time birth myself here as breath