Sunday, February 24, 2019

Analysing my reaction of anger/frustration during a phone call - Day 644

Today i wanna look at the point of a phone call i had with my supervisor yesterday. I contacted her to get support/perspective on a problem i am facing in my work. We had a rather long call and discussion about various points, which was also at the same time more an Update on the progress of the project and particular points within it – as i now see, we were already then steering of „of course“ regarding that initial point/problem i wanted perspective on, which shouldn´t be a problem, cause in fact i like sharing my work/progress with her and usually enjoy, or rather „value“ the scientific analysis/discussion of particular points as i have seen and understand that it nurtures and supports a point or rather a part of me – i see that this relationship supports and substantiates/fulfills a particular part of me, where i like to be very specific, analytical, structurally, logical, precise and scientific in my looking and thinking.

And i also like to discuss and, you could also say „debate“ particular points, which is where it gets hazy...in terms of entering terrain of „consequence“ as energy creation – as i tend to want debate or even argue from a starting point of „being right“ - if i have made up my mind about a point, certain thing, for example in my work, lets say i think „i know where a problem lies“, i want the OTHER to agree with me, to SEE MY POINT, to SEE WHAT I AM SEEING, what i am saying and so – what i want is „validation“, that „I/EYE (as what i SEE) am/is right, correct“. And so does She...lol. Which is what i blame her in my backchat for.

So – after the phone call i got left with a racing mind/thoughts and the impression that „Now i got more problems than before!“, feeling overwhelmed, insecure and „not so sure anymore“ about the progress i thought i achieved up till now. Honestly, i was angry at „her“ and in my mind/thoughts blaming her for me „myself this way“, that she is confusing me and „well, superb...know i do not know anything anymore“. Lol.

My body also showing me what i accept and allow within me: In my throat area, there is a knot, that feels more like „ruff“ of energy and my right wrist is „stiff, blocked“. In Germany, there is the saying: I have such a neck/troath,... (Ich hab so einen Hals...) when somebody is really angry at/because of something or someone. So that's what my body shows me, that i have and suppress anger in that moment, towards that person. And the wrist, is an indicator that „I am wrestling with something/someone“ and is about „how i am handling a moment/point“, with the right side, relating to the „external world/reality“ - so essentially my body displays that i am trying to handle the situation/moment by „suppressing the anger/frustration/experience that comes up within me“.

Now – that i suppress the anger/frustration, instead of „living my honesty“ and full-out express and vent my anger, frustration and reactions onto the person i talk with, shows a certain level of awareness, that this is NOT Self-honesty...it is not the best way. So, what is? Is it the best way to suppress my „honest experience“ in that moment as a mechanism of coping/dealing with the situation/moment and my reactions that is actually a part of ME? No...

And there is that awareness within me throughout the whole process, that „this is not what is best, this is not real, this is not truly you, this is my mind reacting“ which is a interesting and crucial point to investigate within/of itself, as i see that yes there is truth in that, but also a dimension of DENIAL, where i divert my full attention/being/awareness in that REAL-TIME-MOMENT to be split of „seeing what i am doing“, but „accepting it to play out“ instead of enabling myself to move through and out of this point and state in real time, in the moment. This is making the whole point/issue of projecting onto the other person and having backchat and reactions play out etc bigger and/or even creating it in the first place. The denial-character of and as self. ok.

Today i was re-looking at the point and saw the actual trigger-point for my anger and a lot more – which shows another point: How our emotional energetic experiences/energy can veil and hide what is actually going on in a moment/situation, and how we can not see clear within/as energy – in fact i was quite „positive“ on the whole point before the phone call because i was only looking at one particular aspect of my results in the context of the whole project, and in that aspect i was making progress – now my supervisor in the phone call brought up an other aspect that i am/should be aware of in context of the project, but was not looking at or rather neglecting its meaning/importance in context of the whole project, due to being so fixated on getting the other aspect right. When she then pointed out that „ok this is good now, but the other aspect is a real problem“ - i was going/shifting into a negative state (polarity) of mind and i see now that this also was due to being „taken by suprise“ and realizing that „yes fuck i did not actually look at this aspect“, which cascades into a point of backchat/experience of self-doubt and self-judgment about „how i do not know my shit/data/project at all“, „why didn´t i look at it etc“...so here i am reacting with anger and judgment towards myself which influenced and set the tone for the rest of the call, where i would be less expressive and engaged within the conversation, due to being more busy safeguarding my reactions. I also did not immediately see that the „problematic results“ may have to do with another variable/point i did not consider when preparing the whole experiment. So from that point on, every other aspect we discussed or was opened up, i saw as another „problem“ and additional „burden“ being placed onto me...and not being able to deal with it or make sense of it. In that, i also grew more „concerned“ or worried...yes worried, as i felt i had lost control over them situation, while a moment before, i felt that i am „in control“ and got everything nicely aligned.

So – what is this point now all about and what is the solution?

Perception of Control → Perception of loss of control → fear/worry/self-judgment/inferiority → Anger/Frustration (at self) → Projection as blame onto a external person/point → self-limitation and compromise of self/selfs relationships.


In self-honesty i see that it all is not such a big problem, what yes there were some mis-takes along the way which present opportunities to learn and to expand my understanding and the experience within the work that i do. The Discussion/phone call opened up more new aspects of the point, of the project and also refocused my attention on a aspect that is a key-point at this stage – i also see that if i really do not agree on some points, i do not have to do it like suggested and that i do not have to think/believe that i have to carry out every idea/point we discussed in the physical, thus i do not have to be afraid of expanding my understanding of a point or considerations and scenarios, but courageously open up all points, all failures/things gone wrong or not considered and trust myself that i will do what is best, practically and feasible to do to lead me and the work i do to the best outcome. The key-point is my own reaction within myself and to forgive, stabilize and move through that in the moment and well maybe even go a bit further back, as to the perception of „control“ and wanting to think/perceive that i am in control of a point, looking how i can redefine that.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to in the moment my supervisor/colleague pointed out to me that the low values are a real problem and that i need to focus on that at this stage, react with a experience of fear and a experience/perception of „losing control“, where in one moment, i was very clear and confident on where i am at and what i want to talk about and in the next one i was experiencing myself confused, without orientation and not knowing/understanding exactly what was happening.

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the perception/experience of „losing control“ and uncertainty/not knowing is caused the experience of „worry“ and „concern“ within me, which i projected onto x in separation of myself, as though „it is her worry or concern“ influencing me in some way.

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that i reacted in fear of losing control/worry, because i was surprised with the point X brought up and pointed towards, as i did not look at it at all/as important in this experiment, as my focus (energetic focus as fear) was on another aspect of the project work that i wanted to align and i was „happy/satisfied“ with this part and not looking that the other important aspects anymore.

I forgive myself, that i have accepted and allowed myself to when seeing/realizing that i do not know and have not looked at this particular aspect, go into self-judgment and beating myself up within myself, like „Oh, your so stupid, why didn't you look at that“ - „how could you neglect that“, wherein i forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how judgment blinds my sight and destroys my ability to look and see clearly and in stability what did i miss, why i did something the way i did it and what could/can be the reason for these results.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to from this judgment react with self-pity, anger and blame – placing my self as the victim.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react in anger towards my colleague/superior when she told me that i/we need to focus on this particular aspect of the project, thinking that it is impossible to improve this aspect and ridiculous, like „i have tried everything“, yet don't know what is up in fact, where due to my reaction i could no see the most probable cause for the low values.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react to my colleague/supervisor in anger/frustration as a protection mechanism to not have to face responsibility for a mistake i made, or more specifically a point i did not consider in the preparation of the experiment that can/could explain the values.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at myself for not thinking about this aspect/point when preparing the experiment – where, within this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to immediately become angry and judgmental as blame towards myself, instead of simply accepting that i did not consider this, now i learn from it and build it into the next step.

In this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to still exist within and as a underlying fear as stress about the project and getting everything ready in time and a fear of not getting it finished in time, where the anger gives me a false sense of empowerment/control.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to hide and „brush over“ points that are unclear, that are problems, that complicate the whole project (within my mind) to keep it as simple as possible to get it done as fast as possible, not seeing or realizing that in that, i am brushing over essential points that i can use to expand my understanding and skills.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to keep everything as limited as possible to not have more work with it and even more points to consider, even thought that is not how things/reality work.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my anger/frustration reaction towards X as a way to „deal/cope with it“, instead of living courage, bringing the reaction here and face it right on in that moment, where i could have seen that i am not in fact react to x but towards myself and to not face my responsibility in that situation.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be so quick to project my inner experiences onto others in my world and reality.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to easily be offended and easily feel criticized – even with points, things and words that were actually meant as support or simply neutral.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed an automatism of interpreting the behaviour and words of people as a form of criticism, personal attack and know-it-all-behaviour.

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see Myself – WHO I AM – within this point and pattern, where its like i am only „waiting for someone to say something for me to react in insecurity, excuses, protection and defense“ i am so ready to go into fight or flight mode, because „I am already it“ - i am in it, as it, thus another person, conversation, phone call etc...only acts as a TRIGGER to bring out what already exists within me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist within/as the polarity of „Confidence“ as superiority and In-security as fear/inferiority within and as me, where its a constant battle of attempting to fight for/as confidence and get a-way from the insecurity/inferiority within myself by trying to „control“ the events and outcome within/of points in/of my external world and reality – such as „How my relationships go“ „Achieving certain professional goals“ „How i do/who i am in my job“ and basing my Confidence on those aspects, or at least making my confidence and self-trust dependent on those external points, which leads me to go through this constant cycle of ups and downs in my self-experience in the battle between confidence/optimism and insecurity/giving up, where anger/frustration/resentment and worry/fear/inferiority play essential roles in perpetuating this cycle.

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that all of this is – as already Bernard Poolman shared – part of Character building as the mind, and the solution is Breath, the big equalizer.


I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to indulge within perceptions of control as confidence as superiority – instead of realizing that this is an illusion that must fall and fail, leaving me with a experience of perceived loss of control as the negative starting-point motivation to „get back into a point of (perceived) control as a continuous cycle of energetic highs and lows.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give worth/value to the perception of control, within the false believe that it is real „control“ and in that i am „in control of manifesting/creating my wants/needs/desires that are behind the system of control.“

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react in worry as fear of loss if i notice/realize that a point i „thought/believed/perceive myself as being in control of“ - i am NOT in control of as i imagine it in my mind, wherein i forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that i in fact only lose the PERCEPTION of control, which was never real in the first place.



→ So this point of control leads me into the fundamentals again in terms of „what is it that the perception of control gives me?“ „What is it that I seek?“

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that the way of creation is NOT to try to control the Outcome, as that is impossible, a total illusion where i look at ALL of existence from a SINGLE self-interested starting-point and believe/perceive that it should shape itself to „what i want/need/desire“ - creation is a way of walking and flowing with existence walking the way of your self as it opens up, where in every breath and every step you are the creator of yourself in the „decisions of how you are“ and thus what you accumulate and create.

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to absolutely trust myself that what i open up daily within me and my world for me to face and walk are the exact points that i need to face and walk to become a equal, full-fledged human being.

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that this whole point exposes another „weakness“ of me, where i do not really want to put in the detailed, specific and seemingly vast effort/work into this project to walk through/understand/investigate the points opening up as i walk, but that i want to put in as little physical effort/work as possible based on „what i have seen as a projection in my mind“ - where in the mind it looked much easier and i basically already see myself „holding the price/rewards/success in my hands“ and i want to get there „fast“ and effortless, instead of walking the process and way AS IT IS/COMES.

I see, realize and understand that i am the source of the experiences of insecurity/inferiority, confusion, overwhelmingness within me.

I commit myself to when and as i see that in a moment another says something to me/i get new information and i react/shift in-to insecurity, confusion, overwhelmingness, resistance – to stop, breathe and stabilize myself as i realize this is basically my mind reacting and it is unnecessary, i can simply remain here breathing and look at what is going on from a point of stability.

I see, realize and understand that the experience of „worry“ and concern indicates that i have/am existed in a illusion of control somewhere within me.

I direct myself to when and as i worry or concern comes up within me to live „letting go“ and giving myself as life, as the moment time and space to unfold.

I see, realize and understand that this whole experience/point is also a testing ground for me within the point/pattern of „I can only be satisfied/fulfilled, if/when i have figured out/found the solution to this point“, where i see and realize how this experience is now taking me into and opening up more dimensions within the point as well as testing my „standing“ within the pattern – asking the questions: Who are you when things do not go your way? Will you shift/fall into blame, anger, frustration? What are you going to do now?

I commit myself to see and realize that the points/experiences i am creating and having are often expansion-opportunities to look deeper, understand more of me in/as points i am currently opening up and walking in my process.

I see, realize and understand that when there is anger, frustration, there is a potential/aspect of standing and stepping up involved – out of the illusion of „empowerement“ through the experience of anger in the mind, to actual empowerment through real physical action, so in this case is to INCLUDE the particular step in the work flow, that was planned in the beginning - now i learnt
 that it might be better to include or at least consider this step from in the first place.

I commit myself to when i face anger towards myself/others ask myself „What is my responsibility – how/where do i need to stand up and step up in my physical participation to empower myself to do what is best?“ and then do it.

I commit myself to give myself the time and space to understand my self and what i am working with in detail and specificity.


I commit myself to put in the effort and work necessary to understand my self and what i am working with in detail and specificity.

Saturday, February 23, 2019

Pain Points

Not to long ago i started to open up my relationship with pains and points of experience within my physical body, where i would take the experiences/pains in my body and open them up in writing and self-forgiveness introspecting what they are related to and more specifically seeing how i am creating those pains within me as me.

Pains and discomforts are a indication that who i am within/as my mind within my body is not aligned with the physical body or the physical reality and in that separation a friction/conflict manifests that is experienced as pain or dis-comfort. Pains and discomforts are actually great signs and provide guidance of what/where to look at and what i need to work with or process through within myself as to align myself with myself and establish self-equality and oneness.

So today, i was reminded of that by reading through a blog post of a fellow destonian. Since some time now i have a particular pain in my neck area, left shoulder and other points/experiences in my body that i kind of ignore. I deny them, meaning that „i see there is pain/discomfort“, but instead of investigating and opening up the point i either have some quick reasoning, where it is coming from or what i may have done to cause the pain/discomfort and that's about it...no investigation, no opening up and subsequent understanding. I „accept“ the pain as „it is just there“, IT is pain...it is „not me“, not ME causing it...maybe something i did or do, but not ME (who i am) in my direct relationship with my body.

I have proven to myself many times that through writing, self-forgiveness and self-investigation in conjunction with investigating/reading the Desteni-Material, such as Venos Structural Resonance Documents or particular Eqafe-Interviews, i have been able to identify, open up and work through the underlying causes of pains/experiences in the body. So why do i not do it consistently?

It is so interesting, because i see that i even do a lot of additional things to suppress or modify the experiences/pain in the body, like consuming particular foods or substances, doing even more exercise, distracting myself with media and so on...all but go to the root of it. Now, there is an other perspective on Pain/Dis-ease emerging within me: Pain/Dis-comfort/Disease is literally me screaming for attention on a particular point – it is me showing to myself where i got some work/alignments to do within myself.

Another dimension of denial is the „generalisation of a point“ and i see that i do this a lot when it comes to pains/discomfort in my body – i look at it very superficial, like „ok, pain here, seems to be related to that, i know...move on (there is nothing to see)“, when in fact much more specificity is required and points in the mind do not „simply change“ by themselves, just because i have seen them. Seldom i take a point from opening it up in writing, to self-forgiveness to finding solutions and actually walking the correction in the physical. This tendency to not act on what i see/realize/understand is a weakness of me, as within so without.

Also, and this may be the origin of the Denial, there is a fundamental problem in my relationship with pain/dis-comfort/dis-ease in my body...I fear pain, fear dis-comfort/dis-ease, i fear that it will infer with „my plans“ „my life“, that „it will prohibit me from doing what i want to do“ - pain/discomfort bothers me, i treat it like a „nuisance“ not realizing that this is exactly the relationship i have to me/parts of me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ignore and deny the signals my body is giving me.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to ignore and deny pain, dis-comforts and dis-ease in the body.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react with fear and judgment to myself for ignoring and denying pain in my human physical body having backchat like „You are so stupid, you know and should know that pain is an important indicator“

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge as punish myself for not continuing to follow through in my investigations and efforts to establish self-equality through opening up/investigating pains and dis-comforts in my human physical body, instead of seeing that this perceived „failing/falling“ in fact indicates dimensions to the point i did not yet see nor consider, yet are crucial for effective self-application and self-change.

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to investigate my relationship to the body pains/discomforts in it self.

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see, realize and understand that there is a experience of denial and fear involved when it comes to pains/dis-comforts and that fear/denial is creating a form of „force field“ around the point i am looking at/investigate that hamper my ability to investigate and face my self in detail and specificity – that i hamper my ability with to see all dimensions and consequence outflows of a point that i am accepting and allowing within myself and thus i deceive myself through denial by making a point seem „less serious“, „less influential“ and „less consequential“.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to expect the mind to kind of „open up and give all its secrets to me“ and to expect it „to do all the work and change of it self“ when i have seen a point and/or its solution within me – instead of realizing that this will never happen, as the mind is programmed to protect itself. Which is a blog-topic in it self.

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to listen to my body.

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to embrace pain and dis-comforts as me equal and one.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that as a male i should be not sensitive to pain as that makes me weak and a weakling.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not see, realize and understand that if there is pain or dis-comfort within me/my body, that indicates that somewhere i am harming and/or hurting myself – which means that i am accepting and allowing a form of abuse.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that i should not feel pain, that my body and mind should be in perfect harmony – within this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to separate myself from my body and pains/discomforts within it through this believe that i should not feel/have pains.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear pain and pains.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge pain and dis-comfort as something that i do not want to face and experience – not seeing, realizing or understanding that pain is the key to healing as opening up, investigating, moving through and changing that within/of me that is causing harm/hurt and so pain to manifest.

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to trust my body and my physical awareness.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel bothered by pain and discomfort and thus try to suppress, deny, ignore or hide it.

I forgive myself for not accepting and allowing myself to see and realize the gift within pains and dis-comforts.
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that pain is interfering with „my plans“ or „my life“ instead of seeing and realizing that pain and discomfort is indicating where i as the mind am trying to enforce my plans/projections onto the body – instead of realizing that i should rather question where those plans/projections come from and investigate if they are actually serving ME as a whole living being.

I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that it is in fact the mind trying to enforce pictures/projections/plans onto the body, me – with my support, meaning that i am the force fueling these projections.

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to treat me/parts of me like a nuisance and in/through that relationship give my mind permission to suppress and neglect parts of me which means that i will always be and feel unfulfilled.

I commit myself to listen to my body and to pay attention to the pains and dis-comforts manifesting in my body as i see, realize and understand that those are important indicators and key points in my process of self-equality.

I see, realize and understand that i have the ability to see and investigate the points of pain and dis-comfort in detail and specificity and as i move my self into and through them in writing and self-forgiveness, they will open up, as i open up and reveal my self to Me and in that develop and deepen self-intimacy.


I commit myself to see and realize that there is a push necessary to move through the force-field of denial around certain points within me and i commit myself to give myself that push and live self-inquiry and courage as look at and open up pains and dis-comforts within me.

Sunday, February 3, 2019

Fear of Conflict = Conflict in Self = Fear of Self



Fear of Conflict = Conflict in Self = Fear of Self




I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be afraid of telling people at work, my supervisors that i have an additional job and that will not be there two days a week.




I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear to tell them because i fear what they will think of me or that they will react in a negative manner and say that this is not a good idea




I forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize that i use/abuse the fear as a protection and defense mechanism so that i do not have to tell them and face what they have to say about it, without even knowing what they have to say about it.




I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to expect facing a conflict with my superiors if i tell them about my parallel job and i don't want to talk to them about it because i think it is my decision, my business




I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel righteous about taking on this second job and about not telling them, and this righteousness of „It is my life“ is what keeps me stuck/chains me to the fear as a protection/defense mechanism.




I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear conflict and that there might ensue a conflict and then i fear that i would get angry or energetic towards them and that i have to „stand up for“ and defend/justify myself – not seeing or realizing that the conflict is in FACT WITHIN ME.




I fear that i will/might not be able to do everything at once or that i will not get both points done in the time i have, yet on the other hand want get everything done. The Key here is the Self-Doubt, Fears, Worries and concerns within me – that i then project onto my colleagues and supervisors.




I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel inferior and as if i let C or the whole point down in having a second job next to the masters thesis and that i apparently not put my all into it




I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed my thoughts/projections of what others might think of me because of taking on a second job get the better of me and overwhelm me to the point of believing thoughts like „it is to much, you wont make it, you have not enough time“ and so on, while in fact in the physical i have time that i can effectively use to already start writing for example




I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to project my own inner conflict in relation to taking on a second job onto my superiors and other people in separation of myself instead of realizing that the conflict is within me – between the confident, willing, stable and able me and the doubtful, fearful and insecure me the comfort-Zone me, the easy way me, the only do as much as necessary me– where the second one is what i am used to, that which is familiar.




I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that a lot to do, needs to equate to stress or fear or overwhelmingness – instead of realizing that it should equate to action, balance and physical participation




I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to procrastinate sheduling my day and sticking to it, and effectively working through the tasks i give myself – creating a balanced life for self, with hard work and hard free time lol


Morning – Wake up at 5:10 – breathe, wake up, physical awareness exercise, writing

6-7 Rating, reading, showering, get things done...Flat, Emails, DIP

7-8 Write on Masterthesis

8- off for work – 17/18

Evening – Exercise, Free-Time, Eating, DIP, Research, Writing, RELAXING


22 go to bed