Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Who is to blame?

Over the weekend I went to the nationalpark "Bayrischer Wald", where i was projecting films at an festival for films with nature/enviromental context and on the other hand had the opportunity to stay at a place i´ve lived for about half a year, quite exactly one year ago. Some of the residents where living with me back then and i had to face some of my past acceptences and allowences and the according belives like:

 "You still know what you did at that party as you pissed the couch, i had to bring that up ... hahahah" or
"Have you been high all the time then - It seemed so ... It was so funny when you made this tour with us (group of students and pupils), you must have been high"
"Oh, what the fuck did you do to your hair, you had such nice curly hair - your crazy"

And also my own delusions and/or hopes for ... yeah for what?

Nothing, that the mind presents me, ever happens - When i start/do something "new" my mind presents me with lots of possible pictured futureprojections and thoughts about the event also excitement, when it is done i´m still here with/as myself - but i can see myself in the presents of my mind as what i am as what i have allowed myself to exist as - fear, desire, wishes, hopes, denials, belives, judgements etc.

Hopes for relationships and illusions about relationships - because relating is/was happening the whole time, has not to be a delusion/illusion - its my expectation/desire "how it should be/what should happen"-the unwillingness to face what it is, that is the illusion.

Nevertheless I enjoyed being in the company, the films and moving myself in the nature with my bike or walking. I watched/projected some cool films like "Radioaktive wolfs", which shows the wildlife in the area of Tschernobyl where no humans deliberatly live so animals and plants "take back" their teritory.
SO, wolfes do rather live in an area with extensive levels of radioactivity then in an
area where humans live - lol - which is logic as we have killed/hunt/condemed them reckless and brutal for long time, so we are the real evil to them.

A documentary about the oil-spill in the gulf of mexico showed how BP has used "Corexit" a chemical agent to disolve the oilcarpet floating on the surface to get rid of the "nasty picture", to correct it, to apperently solve the problem.
On the one had it was an realisation for me to see that it was done to, as fast as possible, get rid of the "nasty Pictures" that are/were connected with the name BP and the Oil-spill as they know very well that the longer the time the pictures connected to the name BP are circulating - the anger will grow and the feared that they will no longer be accepted by the public. They replace it with "nice" pictures of caring BP-Employees whiping up oil or boots that are apperantly ready to intervene - fetch up the oil - if possible. At night the boots were removed and replaced by Corexit-spraying-planes. A fight for the right pictures.
So by suppressing the "nasty picture" the possibility of taking responsibility for the oil - by collecting and seperation - was missed and now it is dispersed in the water - not so easy to get a hold of.
Looking within myself i see that ive done equally by using for example alcohol, as a apperant solution for my "problems" to project a picture "free" of the nasty stuff - suppressing for example anger/frustration instead of taking care of them by selfinvestigation and selfforgivness.
In both cases this is/was no real "solution" but a "DIS-solution" as the disolved Shit is sinking into the depth of (One-)Self were it forms "debts" to be payed for - as within so without - equal and one

On the second day of the festival a episode of a "educational" programm for kids was to be projected and the regisseur, who is also responsible for the tv-program for children on one of germanys televisiontransmitters, would be there to watch and anwer questions etc. However, as this person walked in i had an immediate "dislike/aversion" in relation to him. After the programm started he said "make it really loud!" and i started to jugde him and the programm in backchat. On some parts of the recording a complete sound-track was missing and he asked me what`s up with it and i could not answer because i did not know - lol - i also did not really understand what he wanted and so he got quite angry - i remained quite calm and spoke to the guy responsable for the equipment - that was my point of not being familiar with the machines - and then came back to check if the settings are correct etc. - so by that time i was also a bit stressed but trying to "fix" it, as there was the guiltpoint/uncertainty if I have put on false settings - he was making remarks and blaming me directly and getting more angry than i heard him say to a other being "I does not work because he is simply to stupid" were i then also got quite angry which kicked in my backchat quite nasty "How fucking possesed he is with is work etc. he is perfectionistic, it is not so bad if this sound is not there" - By that time I was sure that "i am not to blame" for the failure and "somebody else" for example the guy who copied the Beta is responsible - I am right!

On the next day i had an film on DVD to project and started it: No sound! What the fuck....again. So i stressed around and sent the people for a break "till it is fixed". It took me 5min and i had to speak to another being to help me... I had not turned up the volume! I was spiteing/blaming myself "You idiot/ Stupid/ You know that... fuck/ That can not happen, how am i so stupid" because it was apperantly my fault and i´m directly to blame for it...I am wrong/I have done wrong!

So, why did i create this situation for myself?
The situation in both scenarions is the same - there is a problem with the sound

It is interessting, that i reacted exactly like the director, with selfblame/spite, when faced with the situation of feeling that i am guilty/that it is my fault when something is not working as i - i want to be perfect - i do not want to make mistakes - Its no problem if somebody else fucks something up ... that can happen...aslong as it is not me!
As i did not see how he is me i judged him as perfectionistic and possessed by his work because of taking his anger/blame personally - i only judged myself perfectionistic and ego-possessed not wanting to/able to make a mistake.

If there is problem it has to be taken care of - without putting blame on anyone or anything

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