Leaving

Leaving

right now i am sitting in a train to my hometown to stay with my parents for the next month, going on a trip to ozora-festival with a group of friends and then, for the rest of the time working in the lab where I learned to work as chemist, to support myself with money. I had quite a hard time deciding if I will go to ozora and in this realized how fucking possessed with fear I really am – lol –

 If I go there I feared to ask at work if I can work a week later, I will have less money, but also the basic point of feeling guilty for not doing enough work and instead make holiday - this I projected on parents what will they think?, fear of being directed by my friends as they asked me to come with them, fear of doing the wrong thing in relation to process, fear of meeting females there,  fear of taking drugs there, fear that I will enjoy it there, fear of not enjoying it and then regretting that I went there, fear of comparing myself with others and judge them to make myself feel better, fear of meeting new people, fear of being too possessed with my own believes and self-definitions to just be here

If I do not go there I feared missing something, fear of regretting not going there, fear of being with my parents so long

Ok, so the thing was that I wanted to go there two years ago, but now I did not have that desire anymore rather the whole endeavour seemed more like an effort.

And for what ? Music, dancing people, “holiday”, energy, “celebration” – Hmm, I see that I somehow judge(d) and spite(d) this manifestations in trying to get to an decision.

Oh my judged and in this feared quite a lot manifestations or experiances to not go there anymore, which is no solution its in-feariority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking for holiday in work in the fear of disappointing them because “they have done so much for me” in fixing this job for me

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that I have created the appointment of working 4 weeks by myself through asking for work in this period – so I am dis-appointing myself with working only 2.5weeks, which has nothing to do with the feelings of others

Shit – I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see realize and understand that I can only ever dis-appoint myself when I do not stand as a-point that I have decided/realized

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to automatically connect a feeling of disappointment to “not standing a point/appointment with myself” – to manipulate me through a feeling- instead of first of all looking at the point in the principle of what is best for self as all and walking the correction

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that I experience dis-appoint when a point of self-definition of mind is not meet

Ok, now it 02:00 and I am sitting in Saloon of my parents house. I wanted to start writing with the topic of leaving so – as I was in my own flat today I was experiencing some fears basiclly of loss and some sorrow in relation to studying, people and the future, as this Semester was my last of regular studing, no lectures anymore. I created then some stress with packing my stuff and had to move. So as I was leaving I meet outside my neighbour, and she   and two friends were also packing her stuff as she is moving away completely. I went over to say “Good By” and we talked a little bit. I had to hurry to get the train and she said she was kind of wired and fucked today – I then thought because you are moving, losing your  definition to/as the study-experience therefore u are sad, fear of loss – we hugged and I said “That’s Ok, it s gonna be alright soon” while driving away. As I drove I noticed that I felt better/strong/stable.

In the train I did something similar: There was a female that I had backchat about, I have seen her before and somehow I have the thoughts coming up that she looks “abused” and “angry” the I identified myself with her and saw myself in her. Then I had the thought of wanting to help her in a way – In this is the definition and the believe that I am more stable/strong/better and I felt like that also

I that realized that I am allowing this behaviour and that I – in both cases - tried to cover up my own feelings of fear and sorrow by consoling another (female) instead of facing the point and seeing what comes up in myself.

Than later a friend called and was sharing that he is sad and has called me, because a friend has moved out of their house and then asked “Why did u leave so early last time at the party and yesterday” and I denied/hid the point of fear of loss again to him and to myself,  realized this then and “corrected” it by talking about it, I talked about a minute – lol – till I realized that he was not there anymore, my accu was empty...