I forgive myself that
I have not accepted and allowed myself to accept me as the part that I search
and seek in females as support, nourishment and acceptance
I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to in this moment think that I don´t know
what self-acceptance is and should be, I forgive myself that I have accepted
and allowed myself to think “Self-acceptance What the fuck should that be? I
can never accept myself”
I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I do not know
“how” I should/could accept myself – instead of realizing that it is not about
a doing something but a BEING self-acceptance and living full acceptance of me
to take full responablity for me in every moment of breath – no more negligence
of any kind, living fully all of myself – no more abdication of ability to
respond to any part of me
Acceptance
I see that I have
accepted and allowed myself to define the word acceptance as negative, as a
burden that I have to carry, I accept something only when I must usually I
perceive that to be something that is a obligation – burdened on my by the
outside that I have to apparently to accept otherwise I will face consequences.
I have accepted the bullshit of others and accepted the bullshit of myself to,
to compromise me, to kneel and bow down under my own fuckedness – I connect
acceptance to weakness, I see and define it as weak, wretched dishonouring to
accept something – I want be different because everything is lie and wrong/twisted
bullshit. The accepted ways sucks and I want to puke on this shit. I don’t
accept this bullshit and conform to the norm…
So I have seen and
defined Acceptance in relation to the outside-world the society, the parents,
relationships…what will I accept. “I can’t take anymore” was a song title which
I would putsch me up with to create a raging energy within me and in this
emotion feel “free”
So I have defined
Acceptance in opposition and polarity to a(p)parent “Freedom” self-direction
and independence, yes independence is the right word – because I have only ever
accepted myself to be enslaved apparently! by others, society, family,
friends/partner bearing their “shit” without seeing the judgements and
victimization – I have connected acceptance to slavery, to chains, to
submission, to victimization that I then projected out and onto this world and
the beings and manifestations in it – instead of acting on and doing something
about things that I do NOT want to accept in myself or my world – SO the point
here is that I have my whole life accepted to live in submission, slavery and
victimization towards and in my own mind binding myself with and to the minds
ties the personal-i-ties, the relationship-ties, “living” existing in complete
demise… of self only sitting on the shelf…waiting to be taken for a ride, to
experience some sense of pride, desperately wanting/desiring to be of any Use –
always for the mind – what an abUse
That is why I have
judged the word acceptance as negative/wrong and I would define acceptance as a
loss as losing – when I accept this (for them) than I have lost…I see my
acceptance was always outwardly orientated, thus I apparently do not
“understand/see” what self-acceptance is. How can I accept me when I do not see
me in/as acceptance because I look for acceptance outside of myself – as I have
defined it there? No at all because I SEE acceptance in others.
The point of being
different, always wanting/defining myself to be different is clearly a
“dismissal” as a cruse-missile for self-acceptance, lol as I per definition
“always want to be different/something/somebody” else not only to “who I am”
but to every body else.
As I was taking a piss the point came up that/how I
have participated in this point extensively so much that it has become like a subconscious
or unconscious point where I do not even know/see when/that I participate in
it…I would nearly say that this has become like a part of my beingness. Two
points came up.
The first is my name
and a definition: As I was a child I wrote my name in the family-circle on a
piece of paper and instead of Andreas I wrote Anderas and my cousin like made
fun of me, laught at me from what I perceive as the memory not like really
“mean” but I felt intimidated or hurt that I wrote my own name wrong/false and
the point also I wrote it different.
It’s interesting
because what comes up is that it seems like I did not want to “admit” that I
wrote it “wrong/false” but defined that I just wrote it “different” and that I am
different.
What I did was that:
Anderas I read as Ander-as which in my mind I translated/read/defined as
Anders-als, which means in English different-than/as, lol so I manipulated my
name Andreas to Anders-als/different because of fearing/not wanting to make a
mistake – and so define that I can/do not do something “wrong/false” but only
“different” – not from a realisation that right/wrong, good/bad is an illusion
but from hurt ego – so I defined myself as different in my very name because of
a hurt ego.
Like furthering/protecting the Ego saying “Fuck you all, that
was/is not wrong – I am just different” … I mean it’s ultimately
self-righteousness. Defining Self-righteousness as Difference as my “new” Name
LOL…shit. Wow, I am like baffled by my own bullshit … but at the same time I
have to smile or nearly laugh bout it because it is extremely ridicules…
So
here the word acceptance plays a role like: I just can´t accept myself to
be-like everybody else – I have to be different…because I have to be right to
prove/protect my Ego…lol and further, even more striking: MY NAME …
Saublöd/damn stupid!
An implication of
this that I have never allowed myself to admit/see/accept “failure/mistakes”
and instead always turned it into something different: That is just my way.
Thus also a hard time correcting myself – because I have defined the very
difference that was actually a mistake as myself as right, that is like “all
that I have”.
Also within this
process a thing that I found cool or empowering was/is the “to not longer
accept this and this”, but this was again mainly directed/projected onto the
outside. Yes I really like to say and state that: I do not accept this in my
world or this is simply unacceptable! Actually this was but feeding into the
self-righteousness…because in this I had a foundation/backup as
knowledge/information and also partly/more and more realisation and
understanding that “It is not Acceptable!” and “I knew it, I was right!”
BUT – I didn’t do
anything about it, and basically resorted to blame, i mean I spoke the statement
basically in blame “This is unacceptable, do something about it, fucking stop
it!” and this has to do with that I have defined that I have not made the
“mistake/failure/sth. wrong” I am (just) different (than all others.) I do the
things different.
A point that also
came and still subtle come up with listening to the Anu-Interviews. Along the
first 3-4 I would often go in my mind “You Fucker, such a fucker, look at him”
where this automated blame and shifting of responsibility was quite present-ed
to me as a present I see. Even so that I would get aggravated sometimes, lol.
The Anu-series is really fascinating stuff!
Lol, this is
fascinating because the point of that something can not be wrong/false/ failure
and only different is basically “right” and cool but when I define the point as
such it becomes “wrong a failure” as it becomes knowledge as Ego as
self-righteousness
I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to turn the realisation that
failure/false/wrong does not exist into ego through defining that as there
exists no real failure/false/wrong I can only do things different and this
different is my own way
I forgive myself that
I have not allowed myself to realize that this different is one and the same
with what failure/false/wrong is defined in our system I have just given it
another name to make myself “right”
I forgive myself that
I have accepted and allowed myself to turn realisations into Ego through
defining it as “my realisation” transforming it into knowledge and info in my own
mind that I use suit me with in and as personality of self-righteousness
I forgive myself that
I have not allowed myself to see and realize that such a “realisation” is no
realisation but becomes a memory of a realisation as knowledge and info in my mind
that I define and suit my ego with – realisation is living what I have seen or
understood into being in every moment so that it disappears and is here with me
as me as a living reality
So the point here is
to simply not judge for example when I write/make a failure in a word -then I
have not to make myself “right” again hiding behind “different” – and to accept
it as me so that I can easily correct me without making a big drama around
it…wrong, failure, false, good, right, success are all definitions unnecessary
in the first place and simply not real.
The second point was
a small …poem? that I found on a CD of a band that I identified very much at
the time. Lol, I have never actually read the poem only imprinted and
interpreted the last 3 lines and defined myself according to this
interpretation in relation to “difference”
Cool, I looked it now up and found that
it’s a poem by Robert Frost "The Road Not Taken".
It
finished:
I shall be telling this
with a sigh
Somewhere ages and ages
hence:
Two roads diverged in a
wood, and I –
I took the one less
travelled by,
And that has made all the
difference.
Lol, interesting also the
comment/interpretation that directly followed in the article:
“Noble, charismatic, wise:
in the years since its composition, "The Road Not Taken" has been
understood by some as an emblem of individual choice and self-reliance, a moral
tale in which the traveller takes responsibility for – and so effects – his own
destiny. But it was never intended to be read in this way by Frost, who was
well aware of the playful ironies contained within it, and would warn
audiences: "You have to be careful of that one; it's a tricky poem – very
tricky."”
This a quite awesome,
nearly perfect description of my experience towards this words. I had them written
on the cover of my school-folder so every time I opened it I would read these words
and I had the experience of having chosen to be different, to walk the other
way than society walking alone in this world. Noble, yes that’s a cool word –
It’s the illusion that there is a Free Choice in this world and this point of
deliberately taking the “way less travelled” which equates somehow to “loss”
but a deliberate “letting go of” the world, I nearly typed mould…, and go the
own way.
Two roads diverged into a
wood and I –
There are two ways that you
can take in this world, what implies separation and polarity, so one is
automatically equated with good/right and the other way with false/wrong. The
wood was/is for me also a symbol for the mind, or it goes beyond “this world”
like “there are two ways how you can live life/existence” so it was for me like
a existential question like “How do you life/Who are you” and the obvious
answer as an apparently free-choice / effort of myself: Different because I –
I took the one travelled
less by
i can abstain from society,
I don’t need the mould actually I don’t want to waste and poison my journey
with them. In this I validate my self-created differentness through actively
“choosing” making the decision to walk in opposition to the majority
And that has made all the
difference
That is interesting because
I for sometime connected than the difference to pride and really noble is a
good word I was proud to be different in my mind-definition and could all my
“not-fitting-in”, “social-disability” and plain “loner-life” explain or justify
with an apparent deliberate choice and in this define my experiences as
“valid”. At some point however I started to read and also write it like
differences as conflict/disagreement/problems where then justified all that was
“shit/uncool” in my life with this “choice”. It’s like a mixture of blame,
self-pity an victimization again where I fall prey to my own invisible
way/road. Drug problems of Conflict with authorities I would simply blame on
the “way I have chosen” because it is bound to create/mean differences, not
realizing that is only so per my definition that I am creating these
consequences an all along the way – in fact this way of differences was the
manifested consequence of the decision. Ok.
Which is me as conflict.
So this is another point
that is relevant where I have defined myself as “different than everybody else”
and thus a point where I have completely separated myself from self-acceptance.
I have separated myself from self-acceptance through creating differences as
conflicts/disagreement/problems quite deliberately to define myself with and as
on “the way less travelled” – I have self-created a “hard way” to
get/seem/travel different – What a Ego-trip, literally.
From this perspective most
of my life has been a fight and struggle against self- acceptance and thus also
the fear of the word acceptance and the connections to submission, slavery,
weakness because when I accept myself as equal and others as equals as me I
will lose difference = what I have defined myself as Ego.
Self-acceptance as
self-equalization as life is Ego-death. So the point of “I don’t know how to
accept myself” “I don’t understand what self-acceptance should be” is a cover
up for fear of death of the mind or stopping the mind kind of a mechanism of
the mind to create “a wall” “block” when I believe it and accept this points as
me and want to give up and/or in as such a emotional experience of “wanting to
give up/helplessness” is connected to this thoughts.
When and as I see myself
wanting to give up, thinking I do not know or understand what a specific point
as in this chase Self-acceptance is – I stop and breath – I realize that its my
mind wanting to block, stop and make me give up or in – I realize that death will
finally tear down and dissolve all walls and blocks of the mind as me if I do
not take responsibility for myself and equalize myself to and as death of
consciousness here - I realize and accept myself as Ego-death stop, forgive
myself as mind and at the same time birth myself here as breath
