Thursday, April 12, 2012

Separation from Communication

I have often felt that I am not good enough and not fitting with other people, I have long times not enjoyed conversation/communication because I have thought that I have noting to talk about and while communicating with random beings/in society I constantly think I am at the wrong place, I can not express/share who I am nobody wants to hear “that”, and that what I have to say is not good (enough) or bad news.

 Thus I hold back in communication and nearly not ever simply speak I think-speak. I control very specific what I say and judge every word to “stay in character” which was often like being a rock-manifestation especially with “new” beings or beings I would experience feelings towards, where I would feel/experience something that I could not deny I would go into this shutting-down – It is like ultra-hard to imagine me simply expressing to a female that I enjoy her for whatever reason “I enjoy your presence – I like you” or similar physical-expressions as laughing, smiling, having “fun” together or talking words that create energy as/of like a “normal friendship/relationship” expressing appreciation, affection, sympathy (and I see/experience myself right now having as sarcastic/judgemental/spiting grin “What bullshit – that does not exist”) or also/even with males I would in all my relationships/friendships doubt myself and the validity of the expression as “Fake/Masquerade”  and accordingly experienced myself as an actor.

 I realize that I have never communicated with anyone not even myself. When I had friends visiting or was visiting friends this was always literally an “Act” where I was really anxious and thinking, thinking, thinking …acting, acting, acting in a certain way. I mean sometimes this flowed pretty easy because I was so “in love” with my role that I identified myself with it so much that I did not at all realize I am acting in a certain role with this or this being – Also this Acts and roles had different time-frames and can seem to last for fucking ever so that in the middle – the climax – all the feelings and emotions make the drama seem quite real. 

A Relationship is like a movie within oneself, more specifically such a “film-reel” in an old theatre: It has a beginning and an end and in the middle: Flickering light as pictures projected onto the surface of a wall. These projections of dark become the wall -the veil- of separation from each other. And then the film runs out and the roll rotates unless in the dark.

For the most part I was than rather glad when I was alone again and I felt/experienced it actually as draining to be with others and participate for a period of time because it like inevitably lead to acting in a character what cost energy – interesting to see now that I would experience myself often like not necessarily abused but pushed up and in kind of a energetic rush after visits of/by beings, where I had firstly to create and then fuel the emotional/energetic experience towards other beings so to participate with them within the specific construct of relations = relationship  in the known/minded way. 

The residual energy-creation stayed for a while and let then to a low or feeling wired. Fuck, I see how I have already on the way to beings often generated energy and so-to-speak uploaded a specific personality through for example Music, singing, thinking or previously also lots with drugs! before meeting beings, going out or being visited.

In Germany there is/we have a downright ritual before u go to a party or otherwise out the beings meet up in someones place zum/to “Vor-Saufen”/ “PRE-BOOZE” –lol that´s a word…preboss pre-BOSS – preparing the/to boss lol generating the ego and booozzzinnngg away any kind of fear before one is even able to leave the house…yeah I know this-one … is like setting the illusion-projector on full power to please not in any way see what is really going on – within oneself. 

As everyone does this and only project the own illusions it becomes clear why communication does not exist only pre-programs running messing up the place.

These are some points where/why/how I have separated myself from simply expressing myself in the moment and communication with beings because I am apparently not able to enjoy myself with others. I see that I only THINK that I do not enjoy or am able to enjoy myself with others and I see that the behaviour that I really liked in my ex-partner as directly expressing herself in the moment WITHOUT THINKING OR JUDGING what I “feel/experience about the situation and/or others” is the solution to my apparent disability to enjoy myself in communication with others– also in the realisation that whatever I feel/think about others is in fact me judging me. Participation instead of Speculation.

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