Today
i wanna look at the point of a phone call i had with my supervisor
yesterday. I contacted her to get support/perspective on a problem i
am facing in my work. We had a rather long call and discussion about
various points, which was also at the same time more an Update on the
progress of the project and particular points within it – as i now
see, we were already then steering of „of course“ regarding that
initial point/problem i wanted perspective on, which shouldn´t be a
problem, cause in fact i like sharing my work/progress with her and
usually enjoy, or rather „value“ the scientific
analysis/discussion of particular points as i have seen and
understand that it nurtures and supports a point or rather a part of
me – i see that this relationship supports and
substantiates/fulfills a particular part of me, where i like to be
very specific, analytical, structurally, logical, precise and
scientific in my looking and thinking.
And
i also like to discuss and, you could also say „debate“ particular
points, which is where it gets hazy...in terms of entering terrain of
„consequence“ as energy creation – as i tend to want debate or
even argue from a starting point of „being right“ - if i have
made up my mind about a point, certain thing, for example in my work,
lets say i think „i know where a problem lies“, i want the OTHER
to agree with me, to SEE MY POINT, to SEE WHAT I AM SEEING, what i am
saying and so – what i want is „validation“, that „I/EYE (as
what i SEE) am/is right, correct“. And so does She...lol. Which is
what i blame her in my backchat for.
So
– after the phone call i got left with a racing mind/thoughts and the
impression that „Now i got more problems than before!“, feeling
overwhelmed, insecure and „not so sure anymore“ about the
progress i thought i achieved up till now. Honestly, i was angry at
„her“ and in my mind/thoughts blaming her for me „myself this
way“, that she is confusing me and „well, superb...know i do not
know anything anymore“. Lol.
My
body also showing me what i accept and allow within me: In my throat
area, there is a knot, that feels more like „ruff“ of energy and
my right wrist is „stiff, blocked“. In Germany, there is the
saying: I have such a neck/troath,... (Ich hab so einen Hals...) when
somebody is really angry at/because of something or someone. So that's
what my body shows me, that i have and suppress anger in that moment,
towards that person. And the wrist, is an indicator that „I am
wrestling with something/someone“ and is about „how i am handling
a moment/point“, with the right side, relating to the „external
world/reality“ - so essentially my body displays that i am trying
to handle the situation/moment by „suppressing the
anger/frustration/experience that comes up within me“.
Now
– that i suppress the anger/frustration, instead of „living my
honesty“ and full-out express and vent my anger, frustration and
reactions onto the person i talk with, shows a certain level of
awareness, that this is NOT Self-honesty...it is not the best way.
So, what is? Is it the best way to suppress my „honest experience“
in that moment as a mechanism of coping/dealing with the
situation/moment and my reactions that is actually a part of ME?
No...
And
there is that awareness within me throughout the whole process, that
„this is not what is best, this is not real, this is not truly you,
this is my mind reacting“ which is a interesting and crucial point
to investigate within/of itself, as i see that yes there is truth in
that, but also a dimension of DENIAL, where i divert my full
attention/being/awareness in that REAL-TIME-MOMENT to be split of
„seeing what i am doing“, but „accepting it to play out“
instead of enabling myself to move through and out of this point and
state in real time, in the moment. This is making the whole
point/issue of projecting onto the other person and having backchat
and reactions play out etc bigger and/or even creating it in the
first place. The denial-character of and as self. ok.
Today
i was re-looking at the point and saw the actual trigger-point for my
anger and a lot more – which shows another point: How our emotional
energetic experiences/energy can veil and hide what is actually going
on in a moment/situation, and how we can not see clear within/as
energy – in fact i was quite „positive“ on the whole point
before the phone call because i was only looking at one particular
aspect of my results in the context of the whole project, and in that
aspect i was making progress – now my supervisor in the phone call
brought up an other aspect that i am/should be aware of in context of
the project, but was not looking at or rather neglecting its
meaning/importance in context of the whole project, due to being so
fixated on getting the other aspect right. When she then pointed out
that „ok this is good now, but the other aspect is a real problem“
- i was going/shifting into a negative state (polarity) of mind and i
see now that this also was due to being „taken by suprise“ and
realizing that „yes fuck i did not actually look at this aspect“,
which cascades into a point of backchat/experience of self-doubt and
self-judgment about „how i do not know my shit/data/project at
all“, „why didn´t i look at it etc“...so here i am reacting
with anger and judgment towards myself which influenced and set the
tone for the rest of the call, where i would be less expressive and
engaged within the conversation, due to being more busy safeguarding
my reactions. I also did not immediately see that the „problematic
results“ may have to do with another variable/point i did not
consider when preparing the whole experiment. So from that point on,
every other aspect we discussed or was opened up, i saw as another
„problem“ and additional „burden“ being placed onto me...and
not being able to deal with it or make sense of it. In that, i also
grew more „concerned“ or worried...yes worried, as i felt i had
lost control over them situation, while a moment before, i felt that
i am „in control“ and got everything nicely aligned.
So
– what is this point now all about and what is the solution?
Perception
of Control → Perception of loss of control →
fear/worry/self-judgment/inferiority → Anger/Frustration (at self)
→ Projection as blame onto a external person/point →
self-limitation and compromise of self/selfs relationships.
In
self-honesty i see that it all is not such a big problem, what yes
there were some mis-takes along the way which present opportunities
to learn and to expand my understanding and the experience within the
work that i do. The Discussion/phone call opened up more new aspects
of the point, of the project and also refocused my attention on a
aspect that is a key-point at this stage – i also see that if i
really do not agree on some points, i do not have to do it like
suggested and that i do not have to think/believe that i have to
carry out every idea/point we discussed in the physical, thus i do
not have to be afraid of expanding my understanding of a point or
considerations and scenarios, but courageously open up all points, all
failures/things gone wrong or not considered and trust myself that i
will do what is best, practically and feasible to do to lead me and
the work i do to the best outcome. The key-point is my own reaction
within myself and to forgive, stabilize and move through that in the
moment and well maybe even go a bit further back, as to the
perception of „control“ and wanting to think/perceive that i am
in control of a point, looking how i can redefine that.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to in the
moment my supervisor/colleague pointed out to me that the low values
are a real problem and that i need to focus on that at this stage,
react with a experience of fear and a experience/perception of
„losing control“, where in one moment, i was very clear and
confident on where i am at and what i want to talk about and in the
next one i was experiencing myself confused, without orientation and
not knowing/understanding exactly what was happening.
I
forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see and
realize that the perception/experience of „losing control“ and
uncertainty/not knowing is caused the experience of „worry“ and
„concern“ within me, which i projected onto x in separation of
myself, as though „it is her worry or concern“ influencing me in
some way.
I
forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see and
realize that i reacted in fear of losing control/worry, because i was
surprised with the point X brought up and pointed towards, as i did
not look at it at all/as important in this experiment, as my focus
(energetic focus as fear) was on another aspect of the project work
that i wanted to align and i was „happy/satisfied“ with this part
and not looking that the other important aspects anymore.
I
forgive myself, that i have accepted and allowed myself to when
seeing/realizing that i do not know and have not looked at this
particular aspect, go into self-judgment and beating myself up
within myself, like „Oh, your so stupid, why didn't you look at
that“ - „how could you neglect that“, wherein i forgive myself
that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize how
judgment blinds my sight and destroys my ability to look and see
clearly and in stability what did i miss, why i did something the way
i did it and what could/can be the reason for these results.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to from this
judgment react with self-pity, anger and blame – placing my self as
the victim.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react in
anger towards my colleague/superior when she told me that i/we need
to focus on this particular aspect of the project, thinking that it
is impossible to improve this aspect and ridiculous, like „i have
tried everything“, yet don't know what is up in fact, where due to
my reaction i could no see the most probable cause for the low
values.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react to my
colleague/supervisor in anger/frustration as a protection mechanism
to not have to face responsibility for a mistake i made, or more
specifically a point i did not consider in the preparation of the
experiment that can/could explain the values.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be angry at
myself for not thinking about this aspect/point when preparing the
experiment – where, within this, i forgive myself that i have
accepted and allowed myself to immediately become angry and
judgmental as blame towards myself, instead of simply accepting that
i did not consider this, now i learn from it and build it into the
next step.
In
this, i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to
still exist within and as a underlying fear as stress about the
project and getting everything ready in time and a fear of not
getting it finished in time, where the anger gives me a false sense
of empowerment/control.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to
hide and „brush over“ points that are unclear, that are problems,
that complicate the whole project (within my mind) to keep it as
simple as possible to get it done as fast as possible, not seeing or
realizing that in that, i am brushing over essential points that i
can use to expand my understanding and skills.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to
keep everything as limited as possible to not have more work with it
and even more points to consider, even thought that is not how
things/reality work.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to suppress my
anger/frustration reaction towards X as a way to „deal/cope with
it“, instead of living courage, bringing the reaction here and face
it right on in that moment, where i could have seen that i am not in
fact react to x but towards myself and to not face my responsibility
in that situation.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to be so
quick to project my inner experiences onto others in my world and
reality.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to easily be
offended and easily feel criticized – even with points, things and
words that were actually meant as support or simply neutral.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed an automatism of
interpreting the behaviour and words of people as a form of
criticism, personal attack and know-it-all-behaviour.
I
forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see
Myself – WHO I AM – within this point and pattern, where its like
i am only „waiting for someone to say something for me to react in
insecurity, excuses, protection and defense“ i am so ready to go
into fight or flight mode, because „I am already it“ - i am in
it, as it, thus another person, conversation, phone call etc...only
acts as a TRIGGER to bring out what already exists within me.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist
within/as the polarity of „Confidence“ as superiority and
In-security as fear/inferiority within and as me, where its a
constant battle of attempting to fight for/as confidence and get
a-way from the insecurity/inferiority within myself by trying to
„control“ the events and outcome within/of points in/of my
external world and reality – such as „How my relationships go“
„Achieving certain professional goals“ „How i do/who i am in my
job“ and basing my Confidence on those aspects, or at least making
my confidence and self-trust dependent on those external points,
which leads me to go through this constant cycle of ups and downs in
my self-experience in the battle between confidence/optimism and
insecurity/giving up, where anger/frustration/resentment and
worry/fear/inferiority play essential roles in perpetuating this
cycle.
I
forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see and
realize that all of this is – as already Bernard Poolman shared –
part of Character building as the mind, and the solution is Breath,
the big equalizer.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to indulge
within perceptions of control as confidence as superiority –
instead of realizing that this is an illusion that must fall and
fail, leaving me with a experience of perceived loss of control as
the negative starting-point motivation to „get back into a point of
(perceived) control as a continuous cycle of energetic highs and lows.
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to give
worth/value to the perception of control, within the false believe
that it is real „control“ and in that i am „in control of
manifesting/creating my wants/needs/desires that are behind the
system of control.“
I
forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to react in
worry as fear of loss if i notice/realize that a point i
„thought/believed/perceive myself as being in control of“ - i am
NOT in control of as i imagine it in my mind, wherein i forgive
myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see and realize
that i in fact only lose the PERCEPTION of control, which was never
real in the first place.
→ So
this point of control leads me into the fundamentals again in terms of
„what is it that the perception of control gives me?“ „What is
it that I seek?“
I
forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see and
realize that the way of creation is NOT to try to control the
Outcome, as that is impossible, a total illusion where i look at ALL
of existence from a SINGLE self-interested starting-point and
believe/perceive that it should shape itself to „what i
want/need/desire“ - creation is a way of walking and flowing with
existence walking the way of your self as it opens up, where in every
breath and every step you are the creator of yourself in the
„decisions of how you are“ and thus what you accumulate and
create.
I
forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to
absolutely trust myself that what i open up daily within me and my
world for me to face and walk are the exact points that i need to
face and walk to become a equal, full-fledged human being.
I
forgive myself that i have not accepted and allowed myself to see and
realize that this whole point exposes another „weakness“ of me,
where i do not really want to put in the detailed, specific and
seemingly vast effort/work into this project to walk
through/understand/investigate the points opening up as i walk, but
that i want to put in as little physical effort/work as possible
based on „what i have seen as a projection in my mind“ - where in
the mind it looked much easier and i basically already see myself
„holding the price/rewards/success in my hands“ and i want to get
there „fast“ and effortless, instead of walking the process and
way AS IT IS/COMES.
I
see, realize and understand that i am the source of the experiences
of insecurity/inferiority, confusion, overwhelmingness within me.
I
commit myself to when and as i see that in a moment another says
something to me/i get new information and i react/shift in-to
insecurity, confusion, overwhelmingness, resistance – to stop,
breathe and stabilize myself as i realize this is basically my mind
reacting and it is unnecessary, i can simply remain here breathing
and look at what is going on from a point of stability.
I
see, realize and understand that the experience of „worry“ and
concern indicates that i have/am existed in a illusion of control
somewhere within me.
I
direct myself to when and as i worry or concern comes up within me to
live „letting go“ and giving myself as life, as the moment time
and space to unfold.
I
see, realize and understand that this whole experience/point is also
a testing ground for me within the point/pattern of „I can only be
satisfied/fulfilled, if/when i have figured out/found the solution to
this point“, where i see and realize how this experience is now
taking me into and opening up more dimensions within the point as
well as testing my „standing“ within the pattern – asking the
questions: Who are you when things do not go your way? Will you
shift/fall into blame, anger, frustration? What are you going to do
now?
I
commit myself to see and realize that the points/experiences i am
creating and having are often expansion-opportunities to look deeper,
understand more of me in/as points i am currently opening up and
walking in my process.
I
see, realize and understand that when there is anger, frustration,
there is a potential/aspect of standing and stepping up involved –
out of the illusion of „empowerement“ through the experience of
anger in the mind, to actual empowerment through real physical
action, so in this case is to INCLUDE the particular step in the work
flow, that was planned in the beginning - now i learnt
that it might
be better to include or at least consider this step from in the first
place.
I
commit myself to when i face anger towards myself/others ask myself
„What is my responsibility – how/where do i need to stand up and
step up in my physical participation to empower myself to do what is
best?“ and then do it.
I
commit myself to give myself the time and space to understand my self
and what i am working with in detail and specificity.
I
commit myself to put in the effort and work necessary to understand
my self and what i am working with in detail and specificity.
