So, this post is about the sleeping-point and how I have accepted and allowed
myself to let this point slip and manifest into an energyaddiction and
hiding-place to not face myself and take responsibility throughout my day. Now
I was quite aware of the point over the last 2 months or so but rather let
myself more and more go in it, instead of directing and disciplining me to not
oversleep.
It is clear to me that sleeping for around 5-6 hours is beneficial for
various reasons. When I sleep for less that six hours I am less foggy
throughout the day, which actually starts already immediately after awakening:
I stand up within the first time the alarm goes of = 5 min and in this I do not
allow myself to think (as much) and project all kinds of scenarios for my day -which
are not even real “scenarios” as looking what I can/have to do, how I can
organize my day in a self-supportive manner, but rather fear-based as “I have
to do this, this, this,…” and sometimes I would really get a shock as an
adrenaline-rush while lying in bed in half-sleep half-awake-state – which I do
and participate in when I allow myself to give in an stay lying in bed and
turning around for the 5 time after I initially woke up, literally “turning my
back on life”.
So this mind-participation as turning-away/refusal and resistance I
carry through my day when I give in to the apparently so convenient and
comfortable energetic-experience of lying in bed. Today a memory of my father
calling someone a “Sleeping-pill” came up and it’s like the best to describe
the drugged, heavy feeling that I am facing and having accepted and allowed
myself to accumulate in the Mornings.
Besides this there is the point of having more time when I sleep less,
and what I have seen come up with this were thoughts of “What should I do with
the whole day” “so much time”
which shows clearly the abdication of self-responsibility that I have
allowed to use the sleep/tiredness as an excuse for – it was actually a fear
towards having more time, so I have to
do more = fear of taking responsibility and facing myself in doing what i have
to do.
As I was starting to participate with Desteni I had for about 4 weeks a
night-job. In this time I would usually sleep short, around 5 hours and get up
at midday – I would try to stay as much with and as breath as possible and had
no problems with the sleep. Also, after starting to apply self-forgiveness I
started to pay attention to the point, yeah …mainly with Jacks Self-forgiveness
… this was really a completely new perspective on sleep/tiredness that made
complete sense. The self-forgiveness spoken aloud had an immediate effect on me
and it is very interesting because even now after having it spoken often I
still see or realize or understand something “more” or a different perspective
that I haven’t seen yet.
I have never really made it to pull through the 21days with less then 6
hours sleep and I see that here lies one of the accepted and allowed sources of
the experience I face now. I have always allowed myself to fall on this because
“its just sleeping” and “generally I stick to the six hours” but I kind of let
this back-door for myself to when I want to sleep longer, which was basically
bullshit and also how I have participated in it, because I would judge me for
oversleeping when I slept more then what I should.
Cool, here I see the fuckup
that the should and should nots can create because I am apparently bad I do
something that I shouldn’t and I am good when I do what I should and in this I
give ground to compare me, judge me and punish me or praise me = I define
myself according to how much I sleep as a good/bad person instead of simply living by the principle of what is best for all as
sleeping necessary amount to rest my human physical body and for the rest of
the time support myself awake as a-life.
So this positive charge on sleeping “less than I usually do” and that “I
would like to” shows that I have defined this point of sleeping as “a loss” and
that I have accepted and allowed myself to feel good about myself because I
have managed to some degree to sleep less.
This point came also up clearly as I was staying with my parents this
summer and also work, I would stay up longer then them often read or write and
especially my father would ask me “Don’t you ever go to bed?” and I would say
“No, not yet” and I would feel superior and in fact self-righteous even if I
would not admit it back then – because I remember looking at the point, so I
can see that the point did come up but I could/did not face it to protect my
ego. Because that is what I used the point for: To define myself as
superior/better than my parents
In the last two-tree months I have let go of directing my
sleeping-pattern more and more, where it was in the beginning only like one or
two days a week that I would “oversleep” and immediately judged myself for it.
So this starting-point of more-ality and superiority was the reason why I had
to eventually fall on this point. The starting-point was of self-interest.
I went with it, stopped judging myself for oversleeping and developed a
sleeping-pattern of sleeping about 6-8 hour hours with intense indulgence on
the weekends, sometimes up to 10 hours. Nevertheless I would be tired and groggy/foggy throughout the day. I the mornings i would resist standing up and
lay in bed for half an hour up to an hour – UUHHHAAA, I don’t want to get up…just
let me sleep for another hour. This resistance I can also feel physically as Back-chat where my face is like pulling down and additional layer of …I concrete
I wanted to write, lol…it feels like a layer of some kind of energetic fibre/cloth.
Sometimes this resistance and refusal to get up was experienced to such an
extent I would literally “scream” in my mind to “stand the fuck” up – you have
stuff to do and then ignore it and turn around saying fuck you = already a big battle
in the morning.
What I found with this resistance was that I created it to generate
energy to do stuff that I ref-use-d ( re-fuse-d, re-for-use-d; reject for use...later) to do e.g. writing/working on
the diploma thesis what is mostly related to not trusting myself. At some point
I would then “jump up” and rush through my day in a anxious and intensely
energetic way, what I “enjoyed” for the sake of the “rush” – from a certain
(ego) perspective.
This resistance is connected to the idea of freedom the freedom to do
what I want, looking back the freedom “from the system” “freedom from work” in
sleeping long/oversleeping on the weekends – which is actually quite ironic
because on the only free days what I had with working in the system I slept
more half the day and in this wasted the time I had free for me, however also
the way we have accepted and allowed the current working and economic-system to
work in and as a polarity of leisure/free time and work for/in the system …which
can also be equated to spending money and accumulating money.
It is the apparent freedom to not face myself, the believe that I can
hide from myself “by freechoice” that I can/could choose to not face myself and
world/reality = a backdoor and not possible in common sense: I will awake again
and everything will still be here to be faced … only accumulated and less time.
So there only one choice possible and that is to apply self-honesty in common
sense or remain self-dishonest in/as ego.
Freedom is the Choice to apply Self-honesty, Self-forgiveness and
Self-correction in every Moment of Breath until all Life is free all-ways HERE
Connected to and a outflow of this resistance was a perception of power and control that I found also connected to and in Childhood/Teen-memories. My
mother would wake me up for school in the mornings and I remember that I often
would simply stay in bed until she would shout my name few times. I actually enjoyed
my apparent power to stay lying in bed and not getting up just because she said
it, which is again only ego and not wanting to face my day which was at this
time – interestingly enough – also the “challenges” of self-expression and
self-expansion = growth as I was in a “new big school”. This is fucked, what I actually
did and do with this resistance is to define fear and suppression (= limitation)
of self-expression and self-expansion as power and control.
That is stupid, lol, to believe that limiting self-growth is power and
control…it is fear of loss.
So with sleeping as long as I want I am limiting my growth as self because
of fear to loose “my freedom” the illusion of free-choice that I could possibly
not face myself and remain ignorant to life
A general point about sleeping/tiredness is that I have layered the point
with various connections and experiences, memories etc. Meaning that I would
remove/see/forgive one point like the memory of “resistance to mother” and then
have the mentioned freedom/work point come up. This are more like the
foundational points or personality-patterns but there are also very specific
things like the term “rude awakening/Übles Erwachen” that was connected to
druguse/alcohol and literally not wanting to face myself in the mornings. So
jeah, I guess through have now a basic overview of my past-experiences towards
sleep/tiredness and now it´s to discipline me and assert myself to walk this
into the common sense correction of aligning myself to 5-6 hours sleep a night.
As I was looking at the word work in self-forgiveness and the words I have
connected it to the word tired was on the list. I started self-forgiveness and came
exactly to the word tired, lol there I stopped and left unfinished for the next days until the
video-interview of Sunette came out “Mind-Challenges Faced with Sleeping” that
was of great support to see what I am accepting and allowing in this point. Also
it was like a kick in the ass to finally sort out and align this point/part of
my life. Thanks, also cool the suggested application of correcting the posture.
Self-forgiveness on the word-connection of Work-Tired
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect the
word work to the word tired
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the
word work within the word tired
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate
myself from the word work and the word tired through defining the word work
within the word tired in separation of myself
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and
believe that work makes me tired, instead of realizing, seeing and
understanding that participation in and as the mind makes tired because in the
tiredness the mind shows me that it needs regeneration and rejuvenation – not
me but the mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to limit myself
in my ability to work through believing the mind when it tells me that it is
tired, instead of realizing myself as work as one as equal to my human physical
body where the cells work all the time in every moment of breath
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that
I only get tired and accumulate tiredness when I accept it as me through
participation in the mind
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify
tiredness of the mind through having done work already or worked a lot, instead
of realizing that in this I have allowed myself to separate myself from work as
me. In this I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate
myself from work with the outcome of manifesting tiredness, instead of standing
one with and equal to whatever it is that I have to do
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate my
day and my participation within my world and reality into things that I enjoy
doing and term as leisure that I do as me and things that I do not like to do,
that I term as work and from which I separate myself into working-personality,
instead of remaining here as the breath doing whatever it is that has to be done
in the moment one with and equal to the moment
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist work to
not face me as what I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as a
working-personality and instead I try to hide behind tiredness, sleeping and withdrawing
myself from reality
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to wish for
“all that work” to end, instead of realizing that “all this work” only exists
as a future-projection within my mind
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize what
it is that has to be done in the moment and do it
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create
future-projections as time-dimensions within my mind in and as which I enslave
myself as movement as work, that I fill with all my fears and desires of what I
must do and what I want to do, in which I get stuck and overwhelmed with, that
are simply not reality here, instead of working with what is here in the moment
as the breath constant, continuously here
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that it is
not the actual points/experiences/work that I fear and that I hide from in and
as tiredness and sleeping but my mind-projections of this
points/experience/work
So I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the
tiredness and the desire to sleep I experience at the moment is a mechanism
in/of the mind to not do what needs to be done and face myself in the fear of
change and fear of loss
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist my
situation of getting effective in using my time as breath
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist
facing to decide/educate myself about what I want to do next in my life
I forgive myself for accepted and allowing myself to resist taking
responsibility in dedicating myself to writing the diploma thesis
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to resist
facing self-doubts every moment of breath through living action in self-honesty
I forgive myself for accepting and allowed myself to create an energy
addiction to tiredness and sleepy druggy convenience
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and
believe that I need more than 5 hours sleep to be fully rested and ready to
start my day, instead of being honest with myself in the realisation that I
actually was more stable and aware with 5-6hours sleep
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to justify the energetic
addiction to sleep and tiredness as a separation-cloak with the excuse that “I
have worked so much – It’s the work”, instead of being honest with myself in
seeing that I actually was not working so much as well as not as
effective/productive in the time of working that I could be
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and
believe the thoughts in my mind that oversleeping/sleeping long and as “I
desire” without discipline is supporting me with work that I have to do, because
then I am apparently well rested
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see that
in the morning-hours when I lie in bed for another hour because “its so
convenient” and “I just do not want to get up already now” I am at the same
time accumulating self-judgements as fear about what I have to do and that I
should the fuck get up – to generate energy from conflict to generate the mind
and personalities to not have to face the points in my world as myself
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see that
in this I am not well rested but charged with back-chat energy created from
fears, judgement, conflict
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and
believe that it is to be well rested when actually I am charged/pumped with
fear/judgement energy and within this I forgive myself that I have not allowed
myself to be honest with myself and see and accept that 5-6 hours sleep is
sufficient to be well rested as the physical body and breath is here always
even while sleeping – thus everything else is a energetic mind-fuck of
tiredness that can be walked through and stopped over time
Self-Realizations
I realize and accept that participation in and as the mind makes tired
because in the tiredness the mind shows me that it needs regeneration and
rejuvenation
I realize and accept that I only get tired and accumulate tiredness when
I accept it as me through participation in the mind
I realize and accept myself as work as one as equal to my human physical
body where the cells work all the time in every moment of breath
I realize and see that I have separated myself from work as me
I realize and live myself as one and equal to whatever it is that has to
be done
I realize and accept myself as breath doing whatever is to do in the
moment one with and equal to the moment
I realize and accept that “all this work” only exists within and as
future-projection within my mind
I realize and accept what it is that has to be done in the moment and do
it
I realize and accept myself as working with what is here in the moment
as the breath continuously, constant here
I realize and accept that the tiredness and the desire to sleep that I
experience at the moment is a mechanism of/in the mind to not really face
myself in the fear of change and fear of loss
I realize and accept that I actually was more stable and aware with
5-6hours of sleep
I realize and accept that through sleeping more and “as I desire” I
actually was not working so much as well as not as effective/productive in the
time of working that I could be
I realize and accept that in the morning-hours when I lie in bed for
another hour because “its so convenient” and “I just don’t want to get up
already now” – I am at the same time accumulating self-judgement as fear about
what I have to do and that I should get the fuck up- to generate energy from
this conflict for the mind and personalities to not have to face specific point
in my world as myself
I realize and accept that 5-6
hours of sleep is sufficient to be well rested as the physical body and breath
is always here, even while sleeping – so everything else – believe of needing
more sleep- is a energetic mind-fuck of accepted and allowed tiredness that can
be walked through and stopped
Corrective Statements
When and as I feel tired while working or blame tiredness on work – I
stop and breathe – I realize that who I am as breath as life is not tired, what
is tired and creates tiredness is the mind of separation – I realize myself
equal as work as breath as the moment
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