Wednesday, March 7, 2012


This post is about coffee to look at my relationship with this drink over the last ten years or so.

In my teens I did not like or drink coffee in fact I rather was disgusted by it, which has something to do with the fact that I connected it to coffee parties and in this to “old females chatting”. I always tried to escape this points where I would have to present myself as a “well-behaved” boy. I kind of felt overwhelmed by their chattering what i especially disliked/hated was standing by when my mother and other relatives where talking about me – while I was standing by. Also a specific aunt comes to my mind and that always wanted to hug one…however it could also be that I kind of adopted this dislike for her from my mother something along those lines comes up. It´s interesting because I can see this same behaviour of taking possession within my mother and …within myself, lol.

I drank tea at this time and this had become and been my morning-drink. Black-tea with honey/sugar and lemon. I remember how I was really completely foggy and half sleeping until I drank the first sips of the tea and I experienced an immediate shift in my perception to: awake/aware – I can also look at it from the perceptive that besides sugar this was my first drug and also that from the whole point I created a believe that I need a special drink or concoction to “experience myself” to be awake and aware.

This point is also promoted in media already for kids  –as myself back then-, when I look at the Asterix Comics and Films were Miraculix brews the “magic elixir” that gives the normally small and from a perspective inferior Asterix immediate power and strength to move the next best fucking rock. Or “Popeye the Sailor” with his spinach-mindfuck!

My first experience with “coffee” was not as coffee but with caffeine as a substance. On the way to make holydays with a few friends in Croatia and I was kind of tired or bored. Also I was already into drugs at that time and so this was like “just another drug”. I made the connection to coffee as a drug and stimulant before i even tasted coffee itself, as said rather disliked it and also caffeine-based products such as energy-drinks, what may have its origin in a situation where I saw a school colleague having a circulatory collapse after drinking Red Bull. I have spited him because of “such a small drink knocks him out” also because he was physically superior and his was a chance to take revenge in my mind. Another point is that I must have defined and created a believe from this that “Red Bull = Caffeine has an effect/strong effect” when it even knocks this physically strong being out. So that I had like “my reasons” to stay away from coffee and energy-drinks till this holiday. I also had no reason to use caffeine-based products because I like “had enough energy”, actually I did also not want to be more awake or stimulated in this way, because I was smoking a lot of pot at this time and I preferred that. Actually I judged and questioned beings that did use coffee/caffeine.

It is fascinating to see how it was always about the effect of coffee for me – Which is a believe.

Shortly after this I started to work and after work would be the first times that I would really feel tired – something that I did not experience in school were one is rather undermoved – unmotivated to do something with the remaining day. I started then drinking energy-drink after work, immediately after work in the car and that would give me a “nice push” and a feeling of upliftment and I was like ready to forget work and do something else.

At work I started then also to drink coffee to the breaks in the morning and around this time started my whole “caffemania”. I bought myself such a very small coffee-machine with a filter that you can use 10000 times (or so) that makes one cup at a time, but you could vary how strong you want to make the coffee with putting more or less powder in. From then on this was the first thing to do in the morning. I also started buying coffee-cans on the way to the work. 

In this working-years i really mutated to a coffee-freak I wanted to write, however there was also my “private life/drug abuse” that facilitated this development because coffee and/or caffeine would be/become a substitute and “hangover-killer” to keep me going at all. To give me some kind of Push/Energy based on the believe that it i need it… this push and energy. Even in times were I was near crying and extremely jittery, in fear … I gave myself the next fear-push to jitter along lol omg…As I was working at a lab were we had caffeine stored, I would wait until the other workers were out of sight and than fast, fast open the locker get caffeine and vitamin C, mix and drink it, or do extensive quantities because of feeling “bored” …huge amounts of instant-coffee-powder only with warm water.

I kind of laugh about this insanity now, but on the other hand it is not so cool what I have like put my body trough and also my mind, I mean it was like a constant fear stimulation at this time, fear stress nervousness accu-mulation = sudden death

Since I am studying coffee has still been a important point and I also still noticed an effect, however also started more to enjoy it as such. It had become a habit as the first thing to do when i get into School to check out the coffee-machine and it has also remained the first thing to do in the morning…so no much change from the pattern-perspective.

With participating in Desteni, reading for example the perspective of a Coffee-Cup, and also stopping to add sugar to the coffee the energetic aspect and experience “greatly diminished” however it remained a habit and the first thing to do in the morning. Also I enjoyed coffee very much together reading/writing and computer-work lol coooofffffeee…!!

Now, in the process of stopping to drink other liquid then water, coffee had to go and there are a few interesting points that opened up since then. As I was deciding this I was like very excited/energetic to do this and laughed and like “yeah lets do this”.

 I went to a some friends on the evening and on the way I applied self-forgiveness on coffee and one of the first points was actually a fear of experiencing physical withdrawal-symptoms, but I did not realize it as a fear instead I ab-used self-forgiveness as:

“I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I will/can experience physical withdrawal from stopping coffee”

Actually I was covering up the “old fears” that I have created in relation to withdrawal-symptoms through experiences in the past.

I had back-chat coming up …actually the whole time from the decision … that “Now there is nothing left” “Now I have nothing more” – signifying THAT I HAVE seen and experienced it as a loss… what I wanted to initially overplay/override with “No problem, not for me…a challenge” which is Ego and in this I can see how I have done this with a lot of things, beings, points in my life because I did not want to face the “real me” as greed and desire for sth. special/specific = addiction

 There is also a quite “dangerous” believe coming up that I have programmed myself with:

“I can stop IT at anytime I want”
Which firstly implies separation in ME and IT and also Superiority to IT. I used this as a justification/make-believe in relation to my pot-habit/addiction towards my parents and also myself … when reality clearly showed another picture. I was not willing to practically prove or test this believe trough stopping… because I knew that then this part of my self(-religion) will stop and the shit beneath it will well forth.    
It is a sabotage-mechanism of the mind so that I do not do/stop something for real
It is a cover-up mechanism to hide and suppress fear of loss and fear of change
It is a mechanism to keep on going the same “deadly” road – the middle-road of I see something but I do not want to act on it
It is a protection mechanism for a part of my self-religion
It is a lack of understanding

When I look at it from the perspective of stopping myself as the mind and how I have allowed myself to play out and life this believe that is a cool starting-point for self-forgiveness

So - reality showed me also in this point of stopping coffee better then my believes and for three days or so I felt physically weak, like I am getting the flu, bone-aches and I was fucking tired and slept a lot. I was suspecting but not accepting that it could have to do with the coffee until I was one day doing the dishes and thinking about coffee. Something triggered it and I had a big desire come up, also for cigarettes…coffee and a cigarette lol. That the cigarette-point is still there with such a “powerful desire” astonished me but over the last days the connections unfold slowly.

While doing self-forgiveness the point came up that I have connected coffee to flavour – the flavour of life lol – and within this a memory of self-programming:
I was sitting with a friend that I admired for “his style” and being liked/popular at school in the room of my girlfriend. We had a little voice-recorder and a pack of cigarettes, as we tried to record something that was cool or funny we found the advertisement-sentence on the cig-pack: Come to where the flavour is – Come to Marlboro-Country. We repeated and recorded the sentence like a hundred times or so, imitating each other emphasizing and pronouncing the sentence and words in “meaningful” “mysterious” ways lol and than hearing it again… I became quite fascinated with this and we laugh a lot = lots of emotions/feelings connected

With this sentence I sent myself in-to tense to search for the “flavour”…and where? In the fucking marlboro-country, the desert of self-abuse and addiction. My own Sentence according to my self-judgement that I am not good enough I need more “style” to be popular and liked

I really created a fucking voice in my head through repeatedly physically recording an advertisement combined with emotional participation

What is suggested in this advertisement is that the flavour is not here, the flavour is missing. Flavour of/as life obviously, and that “they have “they” flavour have the flavour and they are the tabak industry. The flavour of Life is defined in a stick that burns down and costs money.
Flavour also being equated with experience/freedom/adventure in my mind as well as in the advertisements for example the flavour of beer “frisisch herb” and then a stormy beach-scenery is presented with no people and an open wide sea…or a sailing ship. Choose your brainwashing!

Anyway, it is like I have defined the “flavour of life” in separation within something outside of me: drugs - and within this I have defined that I need something/a drug to experience something.

Coffee was now the last support-pillar of these substance-addictions/habits and thus the thoughts of “Now I have nothing left”  “Now I have nothing anymore”

Another interesting aspect is that I have seen and defined coffee as some kind of “luxury-item” and thus it is reflecting wealth to be able to drink coffee. I want to wonder “from which century is this believe” but in fact coffee is in our current system a luxury-item that not every being can afford and so it is/can be a point of worth-judgement and separation if one is not aware of it.
 Historically –for those that have gone before us- it was something special and scarce. A believe that is now used in the brainwashing of our system.

That is an interesting topic in it self and I am wondering: Will coffee still exist in an Equal Money System…Maybe I come back on this point later.

1 comment:

  1. Quite awesome self-observation here, Andi, I have definitely taken points from this to consider as we tend to get fixated on 'what we like' and lose perspective on what we are supporting within ourselves as a point of self-definition.