So, one point that needs be laid out is how I meet N and the general situation/state I was in – the Beginning. Another point that poped up just now was the “holiday in Kroatia” with U, R, M and? Where there more? a female, the gf of R? – So when I write this I get constricted and kind a irritated, more from the Questions was there more? a female? – these are like brakes in my mind that hinder me to express and communicate with myself fluently because who else will it be that asks itself such Questions than The Mind which is Myself so I can see here my tendency to trap myself in the infinite details and the very self-doubt, fear of missing a point instead of realizing that the Mind is designed in such a way that it is layered and when I do not immedialty see a point of part then I will get to it while walking it will inevitably come up/or I to it and see it clear when it is here/I am the here = there
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that asking random questions within my writing is my mind – which shows me as a reflection of how I have allowed myself to set up myself, operate and exist in questioning and doubting every small detail/point of myself
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that it is self sabotage as fear of missing a point and missing self trust that keeps me from communicating with myself fluently
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I apply the exact same process in communication with others where I “watch” every word, I “judge” every word and question every single detail without realizing that this takes time – which gives me a perception of control, which is control – mind-control
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have deliberately programmed myself to slow my communication with myself and others down to such an extent that I “perceive to be in control of the communication” instead of realizing that what is in control is my Ego/Personality, set in stone as the graven image that wants to have power and control over what is communicated and shared so that it can keep the perception of Control
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that this slowing down, questioning each word of my communication is a protection-mechanism of my Ego/personality so that nothing will be communicated that is of real support and assistance for who I really am as live
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that this questioning while writing or communicating with others IS the very manifestation of self-doubt as backchat where I chat back on myself as ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? ? Channelling myself I a separte canal hook in the flesh what divert my walking of a specific point or communication in Oneness and Equality with myself and so functions as a brake and separation
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to canal me, myself and my living into the very manifestation of self-doubt within and reflect it as shyness/questioning the agenda/intend of the other being or points without
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed fear of missing a point to define who I am as my communication – in this really missing a point: self that is nowhere to be found when I exist in a separate room of fear and doubt
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept fear of missing a point to determine who I am in and as communication
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the fear of missing a point implies that there is a point/a answer out there that is separate from me
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I was/am constantly in every communication/RELATIONSHIP searching for an answer for myself to “who I really am”
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize and understand that this questioning and doubting is not me as life of oneness and equality as who I really am but my mind asking/assessing “is this point really me = is it equal to my programme, compatible” trying to find an answer to and understand itself so the ultimate self-sabotage because I will not find myself in another so I have to go on searching for ever in total and absolute separation as a individualized mind searching for the “perfect match” = “itself” in-to INFINITY
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to connect a desire to “going deeper into the point” when I am faced/presented with a question within my mind that is not fully self-directed = self-doubt – instead of realizing that this is going into the rabbit-hole of the mind and leading me astray from walking what I can see clearly and WITHOUT thinking/asking/questioning
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to trust myself that I will get all the points when it is relevant and to walk them when I can see them here clearly as myself as I realize “The points is me, I am here = the points is here and will not “get lost””
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear “losing my points” instead of realizing that only the mind will “fear losing points” and that this is actually a protection mechanism to “go into the point as the mind” so to cling onto the point by making a maze out of it
I forgive myself that I have allowed the Bachchat of “Was this really everything? there must be more to it? did I get all the points? Wasn’t there more?” to come up and exist within my mind while writing or communicating – instead of realizing that this is the Minds Backchat as Selfdoubt manifest that leads me to get stuck on a singular point that instead of walking and releasing, letting go - is “make up” and create lots of additional bullshit around
When and as I see myself questioning myself in my mind while writing – I stop and breathe – I realize that this is a manifestation of Self-doubt as the mind chatting back on me, trying to cling on a singular point that is not “clear to see” – I realize that there is no way to clear up a point through questioning it in/as the mind – I SEE a point as myself or I let it go in absolute self-trust that it will come up and be here for me as me to face when relevant. I stop the desire to go into the point and walk my self-communication/writing in/as breath
When and as I see myself physically constricting or “getting stuck” while writing – I stop and breath – I realize that CON-striction is a fear or anxiety that is limiting my in my ability to see into my and communicate with myself – I embrace the constriction and the fear as me and see “what it is” and forgive myself in the moment, when not possible then I WRITE the constriction/stuckness fear out, just like above to find/see/understand “what is causing it” and “what is it” – I de-CON-strict myself as I de-CON-struct myself in the PHYSICAL applications of Writing/Self-forgiveness/Self-correction in and as Breath
I commit myself to realize and that every detail or reaction in thoughts or my physical while writing and/or communicating is important and shows me to myself – thus I pay attention
I commit myself to realize that questioning and asking myself back on me is not “normal” and a point of Self sabotage and Mind control that I have come to accept and live as “normal” in the fear of loss and the protection of my self-interest as Ego/Personality
I commit myself to stop and change this behaviour-pattern to free me in self-communication and the communication with other
I commit myself to see and show how this behaviour-pattern of the mind is a part/component of the gametheory that is looking at reality as strategic war for the survival of self-interest of a entity Ego/personality – thus I support myself to deconstruct my walls and bunkers of (Self) doubt to birth myself from the ashes of the cold war against myself - equal and one as life
SO – this shows me that the memory beyond/under the constriction/questioning/Selfdoubt is “IMPORTANT” – for the MIND
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