2012 - Albert and me

Albert and me

In this post I want to look at Albert Hofmann, the discoverer of LSD and my relationship with him and his creation and the role it has played in the creation and support of my self-religion. Fascinating, because over the last week I was often looking at the point and I was and am astounded how much this person has resonated with me and/or how much he actually was a type of guru for me – obviously I would not admit or even realize this. So, where to begin?

The first time I heard the name “Hofmann” as I was sitting with my cousin on a bench and we where reading a document on “How to make LSD” – it was a specific document with all the steps in the syntheses and I was quite impressed by the complexity and the required equipment/material and that it was discovered in a official legal lab with all the required apparatus and stuff. I/We had only a small chemistry set …lol. This was when I was about 13-14 years old and besides some other beings occasionally mentioning “Hofmänner” referring to acid-trips for the next years this “point” was silent.

This scientific approach and the recognition - and I nearly want to say fame - that he received in public, made the whole point of LSD and “sacral drugs” like acceptable and seem “serious” – when I look at it more closely it seems like he has set a whole trend and shaped a “way of dealing with drug-experiences” with the notes and the description of his first trips. Obviously not completely alone as there where others like Huxley or Schultes busy on this field before, but he added this “scientific charm” the perception that everything is in control. This made the point “trustworthy” – lol, like DR. Hofmann says… and he also had this white labor coat…then you MUST trust him it’s a Scientist – and I mean the first “documents” that I have written about the experience of myself were such “trip-reports” – besides love-letters which is on some level similar- and how it has played out in the world is that you have various different “drug-forums” and “psychedelic networks” where beings post their “bicycle-rides” and describe meticulously their drug-experiments and experiences.

I see this that I have copied a lot of this and one driving factor within it was also the point of creation. The believe that with this drug, with acid, he has created something exponentially awesome and that this was “his creation” so within this there was the hope/believe that one/I can/might find/discover/create something that is even more awesome and would really, actually deliver bliss and in this help humankind and obviously also myself. Its really interesting to see how I have accepted to believe such… when it was a deluded point from the beginning: In the title of the “LSD my problem child” is implied the believe that it was really “his creation”, lol and right now I am looking at the cover of the book, how he holds the molecule in his hand…he seems quite proud of “his problem child” – My Creation!- lol and this is also the point that he will take with him in his grave…

Interesting, that when I put myself in the shoes of a “drug-designer” i would justify what I am doing with such an believe that I am actually doing something good for others in creation numerous compounds always searching for “the ONE” that will enlighten myself and others.

Actually the point is quite obvious when I read of “promising” properties, promising for what? Medical value and promising for application in psychiatry…and as Dr.Hofman was originally searching for a drug to support in the process of birth. It’s also fascinating to see how this point has played out since then where now it has come to the point where we have hundreds of “designer-drugs” and with the internet a whole industry proliferates. The obvious motives: MONEY and status.

  

The point that I found so impressing and awesome/inconceivable was the small amount of acid that will cause a very strong effect, however as I was reading through quotes of A.Hofmann last week or so I found exactly this statement - which means that I simply have copied and accepted this fact as something “unexplainable” and “extraordinary”: I used this statement quite often when I wanted to explain my “fascination” with drugs. What this point actually proves and shows is that we are existing in and as a mind-system and that the mind is the directive principle of us, when a minor amount of a chemical compound can change and transform our whole perception and concept of reality and in this that this “reality” of consciousness is not in fact real.

 And this is also the point that is missed and that I missed myself: that also the drug-experience is not real but of the mind, a mind-experience.

And here starts the trouble really, because instead of realizing that the whole consciousness is somehow not real but a illusion this “altered states of mind” are being seen as more real than physical reality.

From a perspective these drug-experiences in a kind of “scientific way”, meaning where one is taking notes, writing trip-reports, varying doses and compounds, were/are a attempt to control the mind. Set and Setting is adjusted so that hopefully a blissful experience is achieved that is than often called and seen as “a transcendence”, however what is not considered is the starting-point for the experiment which is of a desire and thus of the mind.

That is like a program trying to change itself, not realizing that it is programmed to desire to change itself. Or desire to change ones experience not realizing that the one that desires –oneself- is programmed to do so, self-programmed with the search for oneself who is already here. RE-search… lol...put in a drug and the concept of drug-research is born. Searching for oneself with-in and through a drug.

This is the “dilemma of the scientist” that as a scientist one is looking only at what is happening, what is the outflow of a certain set up situation, but not looking at oneself and the own pre-programmed starting-point of self-interest: He interprets in separation of himself.

I read “LSD – Mein Sorgenkind” in school, while school and I see that this was a way to separate myself from my reality, at this time I was like already heavy searching and involved with drugs. One of the points was that he describes his mystical experience as a child and this resonated “deeply” – that was what I was searching for. It is very interesting because i see that such experiences that I described in my the “Magical Mystery Mindfuck” were of the exact same content of what he described and when I read this now, actually I have the same reaction as a experience within myself, where “I know exactly what he is talking about” and I can literally experience the picture he paints. Such points are actually pre-programmed and of symbolic nature which means that similar pattern resonate with each other as we all are programmed in and as symbols – a point that is to a extend still knowledge and info for me. I have to watch the reptilian-interviews again.

The Point that Hofmann was actually “my Guru” starts making much sense now, where i have simply trusted him or rather what he represented. What i can see within is how “in the west” science has become a religion and the scientists its priests.

  With their own symbolism and rituals … a believe-system based on thought, words and deeds. Thought to create theories/ideas, words to spread and fixate them and deeds to prove them as “right”.

The white labor/doctor coat being the “robe of a priest” in our economic system. The theories about atoms and molecules with their pictured or manifested structures presented as prove that Science apparently understanding what is here and what “holds the world together” so to speak - the ultimate “success” being the decoding of the DNA. 

The "Guru" with all his famous "diciples" 

Wow, how could i be so blind to not see this?

So, all in all what I was actually trying to do in taking psychedelic drugs was to recreate and relive childhood-memories of bliss, oneness and communion with nature and the whole which was also the starting-point for Albert Hofmann to relive the “wonders” of childhood through a “wonderdrug” and within this it seems to me that when we are trying to find “drugs” that can “cure” “mental illnesses” what we are really trying is to find a cure for yourself, for our own disenchantment, for our separation.

The actual questions, however is never asked: How come that I/we are completely “disenchanted”? Is the world a place of “wonders” and “enchantment” for all? Or a lot suffering and pain for most people, what are the reasons for this situation, and will this stop with LSD?

The real world that is here beyond the perception of our mind-bubble is hell for lots of beings that are staving, being raped, being killed everyday. We destroy, devastate and exploit the planet and abuse the animals and plants in various ways – So when we are really here with all other beings as equals than this world is simply not “wonderful” at all!

This and more degrades any form of “psychedelic bliss” or any mystical experience of wonder and enchantment to a self-interested desire that keeps one going – a carrot on a stick- within just another religion of self.

Enchantment:

enchantment [ɪnˈtʃɑːntmənt]

n

1. the act of enchanting or state of being enchanted

2. a magic spell or act of witchcraft

3. great charm or fascination

We want to be enchanted, when actually we are already under the magic spell of the mind which we find very charming and fascinating when it whispers the most outrageous stuff in the H-ear. Why? The word “enchantment” is charged positive, it´s not seen or realized as just another mind-control-experience. A positive judgement/charge on the word does not allow one to see clear. So enchantment is a temporary spell of the mind as an experience that is judged as positive as a polarity-exception to the usual mind-experience of self as “disenchanted” -   Live was “wonderful” as a child…

No “wonder-drug” will “save the world” or even oneself because such an approach is always based in separation as self-interest …lol where the drug becomes the saviour LSD=Jesus=god. The only way that we can create a world that is best for all is as ourselves. Where live is truly “wonderful” for all, not only for a minority with the money. Such a world has to be based on a system that supports every living being with what it needs to live a dignified live, where we do not allow that abuse of life exists which is what the proposal of Equal Money is all about. One step within this is to drop the hope and desire for a quick fix as a drug and also the realisation that within this “psychedelic phase” of my live I was in fact participating in a religion…shocking…”sacral drugs”  lol.  

Coincidence and Relationships or Coincidence of Relationship

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that it is somewhat special that the beings on the mountain gave me the ticked to go back down the mountain with the cable car and immediately classified this as a big coincidence

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that coincidence exists

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am the one that creates a coincidence through co-necting incidences to form an create a coincidence through defining the self-created connection of incidences as something special – which can be everything

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that in that if under different circumstances and conditions no coincidence would exist and that in fact the coincidence is self-created through my believes about a situation and thus on my world-view

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that in the situation where the two beings gave me that ticket for the cable car I saw the mere act of giving something unconditionally as special – a special gift, and within this I am “lucky”, instead of realizing that this is based on my believe and world-view that generally beings do not give something – In this I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that in my own judgement about humans as “always only wanting something from me” has created/creates the perception that it is special and extraordinary when one being gives another something without condition

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that I defined this to be special because the ticket must have cost money and in this I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that I have defined me being lucky within the context of getting something that is worth money – that the whole “coincidence” was something that is/  was based on money=value outside of myself , getting something that makes me feel worthy makes me believe “I must have done something right”

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have defined coincidence as something positive

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that I have defined coincidence as something happening that makes me feel more “worthy/valuable” what I have not consciously planed – yet it is something that I have defined as positive and what would like to experience …It just happened/came along

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have created “coincidence” through backchat, internal participation

I realize and accept that when every thing just flows and seems so be perfect = I am acting out/experiencing my pre-programmed design

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that all the points that I have defined as “coincidences” I experienced as something positive that would make me more “worthy/valuable” where I would profit – either in from of something that can be equated with money externally or having/making “positive” energetic experiences/getting access to information

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that coincidences are “showing me that I am on the right way/path” and even take them as a indicator from my personal specialness and greatness, when actually they are indicating that I am in alignment with the pre-programming of my mind-system

That’s an interesting point if/that in an Equal Money System there would be no “coincidences”…would there? This self-created coincidence would not have happened, because the ticket would not have cost money and thus it would not have been something special for me that beings give unconditional something that is worth money – unconditional sharing will be here, the cable car is free. “Coincidences” based on profit of value/worth based on money will not exist. However, and this is also the point that I see in the self-forgiveness that I believe that think that humans “always only wanting something from me”… are generally greedy what is obviously a self-judgement (A point that is coming up lately on various spots …I wanted to write and now I had to slow down…because why do I still hold on to this point so much …when I obviously write that it is a self-judgement. The point is desire and I terrorize myself with this point …when actually I do not desire something for real anymore – I terrorize myself with my own self-judgement that I am flawed and “always only want something from others”

Wow, this is a fucked up point within me, where I go immediately in victimization as guilt and regret and I am tired of this point and I have to be self-honest in seeing that this whole judgement of that all humans only ever want something from each other was a complete possession experience according to which I judge myself and others and that it was never the truth in the first place – I have fucked myself to not face myself and change myself – If I don’t like what I have seen as “human-nature” in me then I have to change me and not judge me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge other human beings as greedy and always only being self-interested

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as being greedy and always only being self-interested

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that my girlfriend is/was dependent on me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I was addicted to N

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself according to a realisation within and as my mind that “everybody always wants something from me” and that I equally always only want something from others – instead of realizing that what I experienced in this was not myself as who I really am but the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed my mind to tell me who I am and that I am only greedy and self-interested and i can never change this

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to my mind telling me that I can not change me or my experience of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I was or could be addicted to another being or anything for that matter – instead of realizing that this was my mind telling me this and through experiences of fear loss I came to the point of believing this myself

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that the whole point of N is addicted/dependent on you and I am addicted/dependent on N was not me and the fear that I experienced after the trip was the fear of the mind that it/i will die/lose itself if I do not stay with her – which was more or less clear after the point, I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that in this I used the point of “her apparently being addicted” to justify for why “I have to” stay in the relationship - which only built and furthered ego

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to listen to and accept the fear of the mind of death and loss as me

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that I have accepted and allowed all this fear, abuse and consequences because I have in word and though programmed myself to accept and allow all and any all kind of (self-)abuse in the name of love/relationship = I will be willing to abuse (my)self in all ways to somehow protect and hold the relationship to survive as a mind-consciousness system

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when this did not work anymore and I realized that I am enslaved in and through relationships I did/could not stand this and in this alone – because I did not realize Allone – and tried desperately to get away from my experience and in this inverted myself so that who I am as a mind could survive

This is a “new” point. Today as I was walking in the mornings a dog came running at me wagging the tail joyously, jumping up on me and with this came up a memory/though of “our dog” back then where around this time she had no longer interest to play with the ball with me and I blamed her or my partner (that she is depressive and that is marking up on the dog) and found other reasons for this change in the behaviour/relationship when actually it was me that has separated and inverted myself, lost interest and somehow given up on myself at this point –on my reality/others. I was already somewhere else and instead of stating this openly and standing up for myself as well as my partner in communication I kind of let it all die away, a slow death through accumulated back-chat it was what brings up the point of the addiction being rather to the suffering and frustrations/anger in the relationship and in this time I inverted that this conflicts and made ego-generation to complete DIY inside job.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my relationships where coincidences – lol

Self Forgiveness Unexplainable Experianes/God-Light/Higher Power

Self Forgiveness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I am not able to explain my own experience of myself to me instead of realizing that this is in a way abdicating my responsibility for myself as a creator not wanting to see how I have created what and why - either deliberately or through acceptance and allowance

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that experiences that I believe that I can not explain and talk about with others in plain terms are points/parts that I want to protect and keep secure because I have defined them to be “who I am”, what makes up my ego as a way to survive in this world in ignorance of what is really going on – Keeping me contained in a mind-bubble of and as separation

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that those apparently special and unexplainable experiences are most deceptive because within and as them I generate hope that someday, somewhere I will find the ultimate answer, the ultimate solution – for myself – and all will fix itself in a moment without realizing that I am one and equal to the problem thus I am the solution as well

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to search for a answer and solution to and for myself somewhere outside of myself – instead of answering myself right here in realizing and living self-response-ability one and equal to myself where I do no look, search and seek to find myself in conditioned experiences of myself that was/are of mind-participation and have become mere memories that I defined myself with and as

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abuse me by accepting and allowing the mind to trick and deceive me with memories of good feelings/love/light/oneness

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to keep and want to keep such memories as points of hope that everything will and must someway turn out right – I felt it, you see you just have to wait and walk at the end of the tunnel there is always the light

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that the light is the complete annihilation of who I really am as a physical being – annihilation by the system of the mind with the feelings of love and warmth, happiness apparently guiding me home instead of realizing that to which this simply leads is: death

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see, realize and really face that the with light construct was a physically manifested system in which I participated and that I as a human physical body existed in and as – making myself believe that just because I suppress this or call it different, do not actively consciously participate in a religion or spiritual practices I am/was not involved

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I have created fuelled and participated in a concept of heaven, a personal heaven and in this I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I am in this equal to all religious people or spiritual beings that want to get to and experience their heavens

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that in thinking and believing that I can not explain or speak about experiences or points: I want to protect my Heaven and Hell as Ego

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I would lose myself if I explain the experience of myself and clarify memories/experiences to myself and others thus stay alone, isolate myself – trapping myself in my own creation, actually as a form of resistance as self-righteousness, stubbornness and resentment for not wanting to admit that I was dishonest and the creator of my experiences

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that my not speaking and explaining myself to my partner, friends and parents in times of self-created suffering, breakdowns, fears was purely Ego as self-righteousness, stubbornness and resentment

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have a special connection to some kind of higher power

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I have a special relationship with some higher power somewhere outside of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that there are higher powers that I can connect or relate to – not realizing and seeing the separation and polarity that is implied by the words higher, connection and relation and that I have not allowed myself to realize that in this I believe and accept that I have no or a lesser power and I need to get power from somewhere outside separate from me trough a relationship or connection which is self-conditioning and self-limitation

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to separate me from power

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and accept myself as physical power

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that there is such a thing as mind-power that can be high or low with is the whole foundation for egos power-games in the mind – projected into the world as a whole as conflict and fighting, wars murder, rape, physical and mental abuse

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in and as power-games as ego for and in which I believed that I need to have mind-power to win, instead of realizing that ego-power-games are a illusion of the mind and I make them real - I give life to it- trough giving my power away to the mind  

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that in the search and desire for power I have given my actual physical here power of myself away to the mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to deceive myself with-in the desire and search for power

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept uselessness as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the perception of powerlessness as me

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that the search for god/light/a higher power was a form of accepting that I am to weak, I have no self-power, no self-will – because I have abdicated and given away self-power as well as suppressed self-will through continuous acceptance of self-denial and self-abuse – looking away from reality to see and follow a dream, instead giving me power back here and willing me to stand up for myself as all as one as equal

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I do not have the power to voice me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I do not have the power to express me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I do not have the power to stand up

I forgive myself that that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that to express me, voice me and stand up I do need nothing more than the physical ability to move the involved body-parts – and no mental or mind power

Self Correction 

Unexplainable Experiences/Memory

I realize and accept that experiences that I believe I can not explain and talk about with others in plain terms are points/parts that I want to protect and kept secure because I have defined them as “who I am”, what makes up my ego as a way to survive in this world in ignorance of what is really going on – Keeping me contained in a mind-bubble of and as Separation

I realize and accept that experiences that I defined as special and unexplainable/mysterious are most deceptive because within and as them I contain and keep alive a hope that someday, someway, somewhere I will find the ultimate answer, the ultimate quick-fix – which is a way to avoid and not take self-responsibility in being the solution to, for and as myself here in acting now

Instead of searching and desiring for answers and solutions for myself somewhere out there I answer myself: I realize and accept the ability to respond as equal to myself and thus I live self-responsibility

Whenever I think/believe/say that a experience or memory is unexplainable to me and/or others – I stop and breathe- I realize that I want to protect this memory as a part of my ego as what I have defined myself. I realize that this is Self-dishonesty. I will not any longer allow myself to deceive myself with waiting and hopeing for finding the ultimate answer that will explain to me everything – I take self-responsibility, open up, explain and release the memory in self-honesty and self-forgiveness

Light/God – Spirituality/Religion

I realize and accept that identification as light/god –being of light/god/energy- is the complete annihilation of who I really am as a physical being – annihilation by the system of the mind with the feelings of love and warmth, happiness apparently guiding me home

I realize and accept that following the light –instead of guiding me home- simply leads to: death

I realize and accept that the white light construct was a physical manifested system that i  as a being in and as a human body existed in and as

I realize and accept that each human being was part of this control-system placed as “god” even if I have not actively and consciously participated in a “popular” religion or spiritual practice

I realize and accept that I have created, fuelled and participated in a concept of heaven within and as me – a self-defined personal heaven

I realize and accept that in this I am equal to all the religious people or/and spiritual beings  that want to get to and experience their heavens – and thus I am equally responsible for the existence – as acceptance and allowance – of the heavens, white light and the separation from and denial of the physical reality

I realize and accept that in the desire and search for the illusion of my personal heaven I have neglected and abused my physical reality/world as my environment as well as my human physical body

I realize and accept that there is nothing or no-one in existence that is no part of me as me equally as I am it or them

I investigate the words religion and spirituality within and as myself

 Whenever I want deny or refuse to see that I have participated in religion/spirituality when I think “I have nothing to do with this” or “Not again this topic” – I stop and breathe – I realize that I have deliberately avoided and denied the points within and as me to not face what I have done/allowed here – I investigate all the dimensions of how I have lived and participated in this points  

Whenever I experience a going blank a retreat of myself when this topic is brought up – I stop and breathe – I realize that I feel guilty and regret/shame because the point exist within me and I have not investigate myself and stood one and equal with what I have accepted and allowed. I bring myself here and face and work with the point in moment – I do not allow myself to accept and allow shame/guilt in me as this is of no use

Higher Power

I realize and accept that here exists no power that is higher or lower that I could connect or relate to because that would imply separation

I realize and accept that there exists no power in separation of myself  

I realize and accept that if i desire a higher power/god/light I must see me as and judge me as to weak and that the very search for such a point to exist validates my self-definition as to weak/useless/powerless 

I see and realize that the search and desire for a higher power/god/light to exist dis-empowers me

I realize and accept that in ego-power-games I give my power away to the mind and actually I am playing them within myself against myself only – the relationship is an accepted and allowed illusion that I give life to through participation

I realize and accept that to express me, to voice me and to stand up I do not need more than the physical ability to move the involved body-parts – no mental or mind power

Whenever I think that I need “more power” “mental power” – I stop and breathe – I realize that to do, to express, to voice me and to stand up I do not need more than the physical power as the ability to move the involved body-parts as a equal-expression of self – I realize and live self-power as an equal and one expression of me

2012 - Magical Mystery Mindfuck

This is a point that i have participated with-in somewhat within my live, in my childhood and youth in way that I just experienced things/situations –it happened to me- and later on in would seek and create experiences “myself” deliberately. Seemingly unexplainable Experiences that I would search in Nature, while I write I realize that they were just unexplainable because i was not able to make them plain to myself – I was not able because I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that I am not able to explain them, to talk with or show someone my experience, because when I would explain such a experience I would lose myself as this experience that I have defined as part of “who I am”. I would lose myself. So these mysteries build a part of my self-religion, the initiations so to speak to my religion that obviously no one else could understand and take part in because it is very special, a very special relationship/connection that I had there …with … something I believed I don´t/can´t understand – something too big and very mysterious – the big Mystery ex-plain-ed: myself.

When I took the picture with the Jesus I was hiking in the mountains nearby where I worked and I had planned to go for some days, alone to encounter nature and get away from stress and work my situation for a while. It was a extremely hot day and I enjoyed walking, sweating, breathing and on the way up I meet a couple that stopped and asked for how long it will take to get down to the valley. They offered me a ticked for the cable car that would go back down the mountain because they have bought UpandDown but were now only going to use Up and going down. I was quite surprised and this pushed my already high state/feeling and I can see that already there I found this special “what a coincidence” and actually its like I am/was when I am out in Nature, hiking for example, literally looking for something to happen, right now some special experience – I was/am looking for something that I can make somehow special, that I can find great and somehow can create a experience of AWE out or towards – AWEsome Awareness a Awe here ness.

 Because our/my day-to-day experience in the systems is not an experience of Awe. On this day I actually feel great and awesome walking through the rocks in and with the grass the different kinds of flowers being moved by the wind and within this I experience myself as not separate – however when I look honestly I can see the separation because I actually was thinking “who great/awesome it would be to share this with someone/a (specific) female” which indicates clearly the nature of my state of being = Mind-Experience. The mind is never full …there is always something morebetter. So it’s interesting, these Oneness-experiences are actually forms of suppression.

As I arrived at the top I sit down, eat a bit and take some photos. My first reaction to seeing this photo with the Light on the head of the crucified Jesus was actually a “wow, what was that, that can not be a coincidence” “maybe it’s a dimensional being/jesus or such a sign” – and here see that I have created from the Desteni-material as knowledge and information ideas and believes or/and interwoven and incorporated Desteni within and as the structure of and as the mind system that I exist as – this is in September 2011 and some of this points have become quite clear and to the surface, but much more to ex-plain to myself – so I was feeling significantly high and euphoric and …wow, from another perspective this is even multimorebullshit:

I walk up wards a long hard hot way and at the at goal the top there awaits me Jesus in form of a white Light as the topping – and the way is very special for me with lots of wONdErs and greatness (wonders is separated Oneness)

I stopped than the reaction but my mind would not stop jet and bring up that “it is really more than a coincidence – if you think about how extremely seldom such a picture happens and how seldom the possibility for it to be made exists in a day… its probably only a ten seconds a day that from this position on this bench I can take this photo and it was completely not consciously directed by me - -as far as I know lol - -“ and so I searched/looked for how is such points actually possible – Why does this happen? And the answer is because I create it.

So, I am not saying that I/Ego create the sun, make it move at the specific time in the specific position and make it shine in the camera so that I can have this experience/thought of WOW, special!

Looking in common sense this point/situation where the sun stands in the specific position that this photo can be made happens everyday and from various angles more such photos are possible – It happens completely independent of me of my participation and the participation of any other human for that matter, what means that this is a absolute truth, it needs no observer no mind-participation to become real – This situation is a reality.

What is not real and what I create is the judgements and ideas about the situation and in this of reality for example that “this is special, only for me this happens” when its clearly not –lol actually the unreal mind-experience = “only for me this happens” so this is also like trying to possess a moment, which shows how really everyone is secluded in her/his past-possessions as moments and in and as such separated from oneself, each other and reality as a whole

This is also then the way how one is brainwashing oneself when one believe such experiences to be “who one really is” = fucking special because in essence this experience is still no coincidence which is even more intricate – How come that I have directed myself to walk this path on this day, at this specific time, to meet this beings giving me the ticket that lead me to be at the at top in this moment to take the picture, experience the thoughts and question my reality – That interesting, its like I create my own illusions/situations of illusion to either face my deception and realize myself as the creator or stay in the illusion. However, to say that I direct myself to do so is like another form of making myself believe that I am in control.

When actually it is what I have programmed myself to do and experience in the past and now I am playing out my self-programming as “mystical coincidence” – I programmed myself to look for it and find such. The point exposes and reveals to me the extent to with the religious brainwashing of Christianity has despite (or because) of my resistance against it found some ground and fruited within me, when I take a honest look I have as well often used jesus´s words to further and defend my position/personality and generally seen and accepted him as a example and a real being in fact I would have wanted to be like jesus and even compared myself …for example with my hair …Lol how brainwashed I am OMFG …exactly with the points of personality/picture presentation – not quite the living word … rather living evil deception using stolen information and knowledge in and as a deceptive presentation of myself to justify myself and hide behind.  

One Memory that comes up as one of the first points in relation to such mystical or “religious experiences” was a experience that I had on a field behind the farm of my grandmother where I stayed often when I was younger and my parents were at work.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think believe that I can not find the memory and remember clearly what was its significance.

I was playing or simply being on an empty field playing with the earth that was crusty and had deep cracks from the rain drying off and the earth shrinking creating these structures. I enjoyed pretty much being alone roaming around feeling free, it was like a summers day and I was like, actually I was also kind of feeling alone and sad, lonely… I have like a picture, where I sit there and play with a stone and it is like the time stands still – the/my immediate environment seems like infinite and extremely enlarged. I experience myself like in a desert thousands kilometres away from other humans – and here pops up the story of jesus being in the desert, or moses- and I experience something like a unnatural light or a perception thereof – its like my perception expands and I lose myself for in this moment. Also a the ripple/waving effect that I/one would experience with psychedelic is somehow present.

Another point that would come up with such is a memory where I am about 8-10years old and I want to visit my mother after school in the work where I have to pass a grave-yard and church. At the end of the graveyard is a little chapel and I walk in on this day and something is like shining and glittering and I am experiencing Awe a sense of wonder – for a Minute or so I am struck have no clue what the fuck is going on there, what is causing this shining light effect. Obviously there is also a Maria-statue situated before a window through which light can shine in. So after the initial amazement and mystification my thought process started working again and I was thinking about if this is a miracle I am at least in a chapel – I was not believing in god and thus rather sceptical…did I really not believe in god? I guess I had more fear of hell and punishment. And than I found that the material that the walls was built of and a glittering stone was creating the reflections of light that hit my eyes so basically I discovered the source of my experience in the plain physical reality – and I was rather disappointed of that.

Interesting the words that I used for describing the experience of being in this state where I have no concept –based on previous knowledge/experience- for my experience: amazement and mystification

a-maze-men-t : ZACK, Fuck und ab gehts in-to maze/labyrinthe of the mind – because when the mind has no concept based on a preprogramming steht the mind da wie der Ochse vor dem Berg/ the mind is like a dying duck in a thunderstorm – no clue how to further proceed …wow amazing!

Mystification: Myst-i-fiction is a mystical story about myself

mist

 noun

1.

a cloudlike aggregation of minute globules of water suspended in the atmosphere at or near the earth's surface, reducing visibility to a lesser degree than fog.

2.

a cloud of particles resembling this: She sprayed a mist of perfume onto her handkerchief.

3.

something that dims, obscures, or blurs: the mist of ignorance.

4.

a haze before the eyes that dims the vision a mist of tears.

 I really start to “love” the dictionary! – lol        

 

fic-tion

noun

1.

the class of literature comprising works of imaginative narration, especially in prose form.

2.

works of this class, as novels or short stories: detective fiction.

3.

something feigned, invented, or imagined; a made-up story: We've all heard the fiction of her being in delicate health.

4.

the act of feigning, inventing, or imagining.

5.

an imaginary thing or event, postulated for the purposes of argument or explanation.

SO, because I have no concept for the situation I create a made-up story for the purpose of argument and explanation that actually dims, obscures and blurs my vision through a haze before my eyes – That’s mystification. When I look at it from the pre-programming-perspective its like first a maze is created, an confusion and then I/one was/is like ready for/to accept some mystic/religious ideas for explanation. And again the environment in this situation has a quite an influence on what one will accept as a concept to solve/understand the situation… than its like yeah, because I am at a graveyard in a chapel with a Maria-statue in SIGHT its plausible that my experience has something to do with this – it’s a wonder! And here the emotional component comes in as a thrill or excitement something mixed between fear and euphoria - Awe a sense of wonder lol, have I written above- and this was done/experienced before I found out that’s no wonder/nothing special …so the emotional/feeling imprint – which is that what I want to repeat – was done already.

It´s like HAHA, so now go and search for “this” again – for a Magical Mystery Mindfuck

One Point that ties in with this and where I can see how I liked to experience such undefined points and actually leave them undefined or rather create something out of is me going for a walk on some Fall-day and finding a desert-rose/sand-rose on a tree and was strongly wondering where this comes from, because I researched that its normally found in the desert and even if I was like realizing and seeing on some level that someone might/must have placed it there I interpreted and wanted to believe in some special meaning or whatever.

With a high level of certainty some spiritual People placed it there in their search for enlightenment to tame the Big Babou or a similar mindfuck –lool

2012 – Why was i able to hear the Desteni-Message

This is quite an interesting question because basically everyone is or should be able to hear the message of Equality. However we can clearly see that this is not the case and that in fact the message and the points that go with like the Equal Money System and Self-forgiveness, Self-honesty and Self-correction are often faced with resistances. And that’s the whole point…lol Ego resists Equality. So, how come that I was able to hear the message?

One point that comes up when I look at my life/way before this point was that I experience it as kind of inevitable – endstation. In the year or so before I found Desteni I was starting to “search” again to kind of find a way or the truth about what is life and what is real, a point or a desire that I have buried at some point in my life as well as the concern for and interest in what is going on in the world as a whole.

Lets have a look: it’s a little over 2 years that I found a portal-interview on the Mayan-Calender and on the 10.01.2010 I wrote in a booklet that I in 2007 used as a travel-dairy on a holiday with a friend in Sri-Lanka and then converted to a trip-book where I would notice and write about my “drug-experiments”:

“2009 was partly a quite cool, emotional year with lots of up and downs respectively emotionally between sky-high cheering and deadly aggrieved/sad (Yes, that’s quite fitting). Lots of hopes, lots of dreams, lots of drugs, projections but no fulfilment and completion. Lots of opportunities and presents but only acceptance if there was no other way…and then again anger and self-pity because I have realized and moved so little”

So, that was funny to write because of seeing the polarity-swings in it and the extensive nature of my mind-fuck at this time … and within this the acknowledgement that this are still my points to work with.

At this point in my life I have gathered quite some experiences and played various roles: relationship, sex, drugs, partying, knowledge, school, job, studying, addiction, meditation, travelling, imagination, positive thinking, psychology, reading, isolation and jet nothing was really satisfying or nothing I did for real – nothing lasted and from a perspective I knew that all of this was empty and is only method and way for me to get something, to manipulate myself. So going through a lot of various experiences such one could call “positive” and such one could call “negative” I am still on a journey a search. Actually I am quite desperate in the days of finding Desteni walking around getting emotional and crying over a past relationship and regretting and feeling guilty for my participation.  

On some day I was looking for documentaries for mayas after taking San Pedro cactus the day before and somehow “stumble upon” the portal-interview on the mayan-calender. As far as I can remember I was not hit by it because I had not special idea or believe about it however found it a cool explanation I think I remember the point that not the world is ending but simply the program running out. I started to watch more videos and got very fascinated and “blown away” from the start. To bring in another point or two was that at this time and as a parallel and outflow I started to check out the maya-calender - not to serious but just like a point of interest and a horoskop-typ of entertainment, but it reveals how I like and want to have reverence in separation as a direction a point that I as mind can relate my experiences to and justify with – and with it came a interactive application “MyWay – The eagle sets him self free” where I would receive a e-mail every day for 21days with a story about an eagle that has to transform himself by braking his beak, scuff his claws and pull out his feathers to survive another 30 years. I point is obviously based in Spirituality and achieving a “personal Freedom ”, however for me it was cool to at all reflect and work/write about myself on a daily basis at this time – but again the point was placed in separation seeing myself through the metaphor of an eagle where also a outcome of freedom and greatness in some way is suggested, and the material was feed to me so no self-directed application –

This was one point, the second was a book that was brought up by “coincidence” which was the “Impersonal Live” that made quite an impression on me with the application of “Be still - and know - that I am god!” and also the point that there is only one self and that is equal to life and that I am it.

So, my experience with watching the portal-interviews was in the beginning being blown away and like a mind-stop, listening and it hit immediately home after the interviews. While I could relate to most of the videos, there where some that I had specific experiences/resonance with that I had/saw within the world or/and myself. Mother Nature on how the we destroy the Planet, how nature is suffering. Her common sense touched me. “What you are doing is abusive and hurts – Would you please stop!”

Also the Story of Hitler was a real eye-opener for me. On some level I was always wondering like “Why has he done this / How is such to explain” because the usual condemnation what one learn at school or books could not really give perspective or explain such behaviour – what I found as well as other characters like bush, gaddafi etc. – and within what he has revealed I could see and understand myself better, what is an ongoing process, for example in the terms of hatred for the systems and also the point of that one only sees the demons/ego in others and what to fight it without realizing that in this one becomes a demon as self.  

Another was Lao Tzu on Oneness and … obviously a lot more I mean the material I is so vast, that I have to admit that I have only read and watched a small part yet … the whole History of Mankind Series!! I mean wow this is obviously a revelation! I remember watching video after video after video but also there some stood out – The One where the human form was designed and the Systems placed in by/with the Sirians … that was like a real Haha-experience and a opening as connecting the dots.

Or ghosts and Ufos. What I can see is that this points where all somehow present and of interest somewhere in my past as with the Ufos for example I was have some memories of reading about Ufos wondering if it is real. At some point family members and I got all exited of having possibly seen a Ufo. The same with ghosts, I had like books about unexplainable things “The great Mysteries of our time”.

The System thing/theory was as well a point that I found in literature and made it to one of the made it to a basic foundation of my world-view – We are systems, consisting of Systems, existing in Systems – however here I could understand and still have to realize and live as myself that: They where placed there – Life is more than – The systems are to enslave.

This is cool, because I find that this believe as knowledge and information that life exists as and consists of is still existent within me. So: I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that Life exists as and consists of Systems only – instead of realizing that it’s the other way round that the systems are created from life and thus exist as and consist of life

In this time I established then also the understanding that “God” is everywhere – from the System-theory as mentioned and another such “realization” in terms of knowledge and information that “nothing is solid” when looking at a table and hearing the teacher saying that the most space between the atoms is “empty” – for me this was like a revelation that Wow the table is not really real, it is like fluid and rather consisting of the connections and empty- It seems I have been possessed by and created myself as a knowledge-system-demon …fuck- so I was running around for sometime with maybe 19 years or something and euphorically stating “God is in this stone, God is here, you are god, I am god…every atom is god” –wow also interesting this brings up a point of a polarity-manifestation of a “negative” possession of a being within my world and my reality at the time who had after/on a trip the experience that everyone is watching him and following him, satellites, the government, the military everyone is watching him and out to get him…I feared/judged this being at the time and judged him as wired – yet it was quite the same only with a polarized Omen. Fuck this is interesting, because actually he was showing/revealing to me that which I tried to suppress – as the fear of being controlled.   

What was missing in my understanding of Oneness as God is everywhere was the Equality as one can see in the example above I wanted to always escape the apparently negative and separate myself from it. I ignored the suffering in the world and actually beneath I was quite spiteful in this delusion: I would for example say or justify/explain that “If I throw away food here, I in fact do something good for the starving people in Africa – Because maybe a stork or another migrant bird comes, picks it up, flies to Africa shits there and so the fields will be fertilized” – In essence it is the same as to send love/light and warm prayers for the suffering people in the world, a justification to look away – Ignorance.

Obviously one can try to suppress and ignore suffering within oneself and the world – but only for soo long and it will come back and this is like the second point or part that I see of why I was able to hear Destini was that I created and went through a lot of shit experiences in my life from losing my drivers-license, drug-addictions and withdrawals, breaking up relationships, arguments generally lots of self-abuse. I kind of was ready to hear the message because I saw that my previous ways where obviously not working and I the common sense that Desteni was presenting I could understand/see. As well those other beings are already walking and changing themselves. And in the end Oneness and Equality Principles are common sense. I mean “love they neighbour as they self” “give to another what you want to receive” thats how it should be already and should have been from the beginning. Life should not be a fight and strive for survival! Thus I will continue with walking the process of self-forgiveness and self-realisation with Desteni to stop the mind within and as myself. Its like there is a lot more to say or write but I will leave it at that for the moment.
Thanks to All!