A picture

I grab into the mud/mind
and alway find the same

There is noone to blame

A broken oven

I work on my oven

the door brakes out

first I say fuck – all the shit!

then I clean it all out

So, while cleaning the oven today I realized that I have done this often in my life:

There are several experiences in my live where it felt like I “lost my mind”, felt controlled as everybody is out to get me, really where I could not look a person in the eye for longer that a few seconds, my friends/parents they all “want something from me” they are fucking nasty…

Wow, I was fucking exposed and did was not one time honest enough with myself to see and realize it…All the shit all the bullshit I saw/see in others was myself, all I fear was myself – The nasty, possessive, demonic, greedy, selfish truth of myself – all the thoughts, fantasies, desires, judgements that I never spoke or lived – because I am a fucking good and moral person – that I saw that I faced and that I experienced – but I would never realize and accept it as me.

No, the shit behind the veil is not me – it’s them they want (to get) me

In these situations I then tried to as fast as possible suppress/hide and deny myself but these experiences would never go away, because I have not dealt with it I never wanted to clean myself. Put the door back on it and go on!

It is really hilarious, funny and stupid at the same time what the fuck I have invested in keeping this fucked up oven close – how much energy I put into making myself believe that I am a good person that I am helpful a fucking saint – literally – or at least that everybody else is fucked.

That’s it that door stays open – I clean myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create systematic constructs of believe to hide my dishonesty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to work on and as my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in dishonesty about myself and others as myself through thinking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about myself or others creating energetic experiences within myself  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide and suppress my dishonesty as thoughts and emotional/energetic experiences about myself or others as myself within myself beneath a clean, good and moral sur-face

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and think that I am this surface, instead of realizing and seeing and accepting that I am all of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide all that I have judged as amoral, nasty, possessive, demonic, greedy behind personality-constructs of dishonesty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to hide the “dirt of myself” behind a clean surface

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I have judged as dirty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being exposed

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see and realize that it is my personality-constructs my self believes that brakes and broke in those moments so that I can face myself

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that I have created them as me and made them brake as me so that I can face me – I have accepted and allowed my possessions, falls, problems, difficulties, addictions to make me see that I am not less that this constructs of believe that I have accepted as me - I am still here  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and want to hate myself for what I put me trough and have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face myself and accept what I see as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as unbearable and simply unacceptable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as a automatic blame-system because of defining what exists within me and as what I exist within me as simply unacceptable and unbearable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I see when my systematic constructs of dishonesty break

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the victim in accepting and allowing myself to fear me and to hide from myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize myself in blaming myself and judging myself as “so flawed/bad – unbearable and unacceptable”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize myself to my own thoughts, emotions and feelings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and think that I am less than what exists in my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize myself to my own accepted and allowed mind – Till here and no further - I stand up I do not any longer accept to play the victim

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can hide the jealousy and nastiness that exist within me as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can hide the abuse of and as thought word and deed that exists within me as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can hide the fear that exists within me as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can hide the greed and desires that exists within me as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can hide all this manifestations within and as constructs of self-believe to make me seem acceptable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can hide from myself, instead of realizing that I am here always that i was here in every moment of and as life in and as this physical human body

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself see, realize and understand that there is nowhere to run and nowhere to hide because I have lived me and I know everything I have done and see everything I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that dishonesty can prevail

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see that dishonesty with self exists through and as this believe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that believes are life and can stand – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that believes have any worth or value – I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that believes are made up lies that pretend to be life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pretend to be life to make my self be-lie.ves up in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have to be(a)lie-ve and live a lie 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the thought as me that “I always have to lie and can never speak the truth”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program me to lie

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program me to create me as lies

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program me to create me as a lair

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program me to create me as a make-believer

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program me to create me as a be-lie-er

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program and create myself in such a way that I make myself believe that I am a-live, instead of living and realizing myself as life in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that the “dirt of myself” is also a believe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the self-definitions that make me feel bad about myself beneath self-definitions that make me feel good about myself, instead of allowing myself to see that both are only definitions and believes about myself that I have given different value seeing beyond the polarity and realizing myself as the origin and source of my own game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being confronted with myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to immediately “close the door”, run away, deny, hide when I am faced with myself as what I have judged as dirt, unacceptable and unbearable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can not stand me

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself the chance to really see me and accept me and give myself the proper time to investigate and clean me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather close the door to myself and pretend that I have not seen me than to accept and care for me

I forgive myself that I have not allowed and accepted myself to take responsibility for what I have seen of me, but rather close the door in fear of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run away and hide from what I have created within me as me, instead of taking responsibility for me

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can clean me

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can live in a way that no dishonesty is created

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that i do not have to hide – I am here anyway

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that I do not have to be dishonest with myself – I am here anyway and I will face myself

I am here

I am purification

I am walking

I see myself

I accept myself

I clean myself

I create myself

I live myself

Mindfuck!?-Support!?-Myself!

Yesterday i got quite possed/possed myself with comments on facebook. After posting a quote of Bernard a being responed – I perceived the comment as inapropiate and thought “What does she want to say with this” ->Flagpoint, when looking at the comment it is common-sense. So I kind of wanted to test and see what she is about and asked a question. She responded with knowledge and I was then responding again with knowledge and then trying to promote equal money system. It went back and forth and on some level I knew that I am participating in Ego and wanted to have her consider desteni and equal-money. In this I had the perception I have to defend my point of view and find faults with hers – Knowledge.

She has promotes this non-dualitätstraining and also has a website with it – So I visited this site as she has made a comment on facebook and I wanted to check out “how is this” – So here I see one starting-point for this because here I created specific judgment like “She is doing this for money / Her training is of the mind/wrong” that fucked me now, because now I “think” that I am right I am better –my knowledge is superior- and actually that she is wrong/bad... In the first comments this was quite the same, something I did not fully agree with, compelled to write back “my View” then another comment from her that I did not fully agree with like “in each case the heart is the instance for decisions of a fully mature human”

but I stopped from writing back –

Interesting also that she replies on quotes of Bernard and than I feel like she misunderstands/misrepresents them, have the feeling that I have to defend it – So why do I defend something, because I believe it is mine I have understood something so what I defend is only my interpretation/perception that I actually use to define me. Because who I am is apparently not good enough I have to worship someone or something. The point that I have defined “self-honesty” in Bernard came also up yesterday before this, because I often had this picture/thoughts come up in the mind which is basically myself telling me I am not honest with myself.

Another point was then yesterday in selfforgiveness I looked at money and became quite possessed with “what is allowed as money/what I have allowed” and specifically the point that I saw my parents/father as a representant of money system – actually I created/accepted and allowed this definition in seeing/naming them “only” as “money-givers”. So the being on facebook I viewed also from this perspective and together with accepted and allowed backchat I had the outflow of thinking that she is also only manipulating/deceiving for money so my backchat manifested as points of the blame that were not openly directed to her, but like “lots of people do what they do only for money” and in the next comment I used a statement “Yes, lots of blood has run lots of work to do and is running in this very moment…”  within myself I wanted her to realize and consider Selfforgiveness with confronting others with stuff that I have not confronted myself – MINDFUCK

And I experienced this I started have fast heartbeat and anxiety/fear reaching the max with the most manipulative “blood is running…” I started to blame her thinking and fearing maybe she influences me with her knowledge/teachings, because “nonduality” you know she is everywhere, I was then judging her writings as manipulative and creating this energetic experience in me through specific placed words –hhhrrrrrggggggggg- like love and feared to be manipulated in/trough some kind of “unseen relationship” on the other hand some of the writing seemed resonalble - a judgement based on what desteni said- some I judged as bullshit Ok, so as I went home for the computerroom it was dark and I had no light with me so I had to go through the dark without light an my thought kept running again to the being – when I suddenly hit a car, the physical – so in that moment I realized “Fuck, she´s also a normal physical being – so no  magical powers involved her – I created this Mindfuck/Experience”

So, interesting also how much fear I have to realise this being as equal – looked and saw that I fear to be directed, because she offers training=direction=support so fear of falling for another, believe I have to defend my knowledge to secure separation = bullshit

Lol, this re-presents a basic pattern of myself.

In the mornings the door of my oven broke apart and a lot of brown sludge and dirt became visible under the clean surface:

Thoughts:

-Fuck, the door broke. Look at all this dirt, fast, put it back together again.

-No, let it open. Cool now I can clean this stuff.

I commit myself to write here daily for the next 21days!

ANGER = giving Power away

Anger and Frustration

After some Self-forgiveness on various points of anger it comes down to the simple realisation:

To be angry with any manifestation in existence is to give this manifestation power within myself through reacting in/with anger – in this I equally accept and allow this manifestation to exist outside of myself. What does this mean:

If I allow myself to be angry with my work I give power away from self and give my work power over me

If I allow myself to be angry with my parents I give power away from self and give parents power over me

If I allow myself to be angry with politicians I give power of self away and give politicians power over me

If I allow myself to be angry with money I give power away from self and give money power over me

If I allow myself to be angry with the educational-systems I give power away from self and give the educational-systems power over me

If I allow myself to be angry with school I give school power over me

If I allow myself to be angry with learning I give learning power over me

If I allow myself to be angry with dictators I give dictators power over me

If I allow myself to be angry with haters I give haters power over me

If I allow myself to be angry with nazis I give nazis power over me

If I allow myself to be angry with Angela Merkel, Frau Merkel has power over me

If I allow myself to be angry with the news I give the news power over me

If I allow myself to be angry with the police I give the police power over me

If I allow myself to be angry with war I give war power over me

If I allow myself to be angry with the corporate greed I give corporate greed power over me

If I accept and allow myself to be angry with my mind I give my mind power over me

If I accept and allow myself to be angry with my thoughts I give my power away to my thoughts

If I accept and allow myself to be angry with my feelings and emotions I give my feelings and emotions power over me

If I accept and allow myself to be angry with myself for desires I give my desires power over me

If I accept and allow myself to be angry because “I have fucking forgotten the stupid Vaccination-document” I give power of self away and the situation of “having forgotten the Vaccination-document” power over me

If I accept and allow myself to be angry with the murderer I give the murderer power over me

If I accept and allow myself to be angry with the rapist I give the rapist power over me

If I accept and allow myself to be angry with alcohol I give alcohol power over me

If I accept and allow myself to be angry with “stupidity” I give stupidity power over me – In this I am really stupid - J

If I accept and allow myself to be angry with god I give power away to god – that does not exist by the way – and accept god as power over me

If I accept and allow myself to be angry with religions I give religions power over me

If I accept and allow myself to be angry with the pope I give the pope power

I read some time ago that Anger is like the spiritus for the mind (Osho) – now I see – I really pump fuel=energy in the very manifestation I am angry with and so accept and validate its existence.

It is interesting: If no one would be angry with politicians or our current system it would not exist any longer as it does now.

Why?

Because we simply do not give it power over us – It can not determine who we are any longer

Each one can stand up and simply state: I do not accept this any longer – I stop!

So, probably anger will still come up sometimes…A interesting statement in a song of “Rage against the Machine” is:

“ANGER IS A GIFT”

gift in the german language means a toxic substance so

I had always the two interpretations “Anger is a toxic” or “Anger is a gift”

The experience of Anger within myself presents me with the opportunity to see and realize where I have given my power away – I give myself the gift of self-forgiveness – giving myself back the power of my self = self-honesty

Frustration is the consequence of giving power away through accepting and allowing myself participate in anger creating the experience of “Always the same fucking bullshit - Whatever I do, its never gonna change – I am feed up – Fuck it” - Frustration = the death-end of anger

So:

Anger is no gift that makes me free

Anger is Anger

An emotion that enslaves if I accept it as me

It´s also cool to see that over time and applying SF on various anger-point of apparently “complicated nature” I came to the same realisation as offered in the Desteni-material. Clear and simple. Why it was complicated was because I like the experience and feeling of anger and exerting anger – I have given value to the experience and therefore I want to keep this experience as it makes me feel “strong and in control”. So I “had to” see and realize it myself

What do I do?

Whenever I am angry or see that anger exists within me – I breathe – I forgive myself -  

I STOP giving my SELF power away trough acting/reacting IN and AS ANGER    

Killing myself

This point came up as/through a reation to a being in my reality today. A being expressed to me firstly with a gesture of "shooting himself" and than vocally as " Sometimes i think about this as a solution to all the bullshit" his thoughts. I reacted to this and tryed to explain that this is no way out, that it is actually a form of giving up on oneself and the conversion went from the "significance of life/Why living?" to the fucked upness of the (money)system, where i percieved the cause of his expression, to in the end back to " Why do we live/Life is shit". So, realized that i was getting emotional as feeling reponsible, helpless, guilty to wanting to "save him" "making see that life cool/valuable" basicly to get him to agree with me that "killing oneself is no way".
So i was then quite possessed by this reaction and stopped myself then to go further on the point of "Why to live", jet i wanted - or had already thoughts about how everyone is his own creator and blablahblah....
because i realized that this is really a point of self-realisation.
So the points that came up for my where:
Wanting to kill myself:
In this conversation i said that it is a form of giving up on self - its not a form, its the one point of actually giving up on self as life. So what in this moment came into my mind is a short flash or imagination that i had (have) in times of thinking about a particular girl - being possed by this longing for and the unability to get what i want, walkig around alone not able to get this "background" from my mind, seeing the fuckedupness of the situation and myself, judging myself for fucking myself in this isolated position.
This flash would consist of a short scene as a moment of grabing a gun and putting it on my head
I have also memory of me putting a knife on my wrist and crying also most definitly in my first relationship where this imagination has its source-point, what i have writen is ringing some bells.
It was in a similar situation as knowing that the being that i was possessed with as my "partner"( i did not really know what to write as it was quite fucked up we agreed to be "platonic partner" or friends but i was still sleeping at hers etc. we both feared letting go the other and if she was with her "actual partner" i allowed myself to dwell in and posses myself with all this emotions as jealousy, selfhate, anger, desperation, sorrow, longing, desire I really tortured myself with this bullshit to the max) was with another. So in this fucked up situations i thought about actually  killing myself. I also used this as a verbal weapon as the statement of "I will/would kill myself for you" this being apparently an act of "love". "I kill myself because i love you so much that i can not live without you"
basicly all to instill guilt and fear of loss to bind her and control my world and reality, securing my survival as my apparent mind-possessions
WHAT THE FUCK!

So why i wanted to kill myself was to escape this self-created experinace of torture and mental-pain signifying fear of loss. But this "possible way out" as the imagination of killing myself was also a trick of my mind to keep me going in/as the experiance and also to gloriefy this drama and myself as the "great lover" - just not to let go of and lose my-self-defintion. Look what i do to myself, to show you how much i "love" you
This shit is portrayed is quite well in the media for example in music: "Alles aus Liebe"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think "I would like to kill myself"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to kill myself
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself killing myself
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as a imagination or idea of myself killing or shootin myself with a gun  
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allwoed myself to imagine myself shooting myself whit a gun to manipulate myself in the believe that i should give up on myself, give up on life
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed my mind to tell me what to do
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to fall for the manipulation of my mind in believing and considering i should give up on myself and kill myself
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that shooting or killing oneself is a solution
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to see that the way out is the way out of the mind not out of life
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and a believe that killing myself is a way out
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to see and realize that the thoughts or picture of me killing myself is my mind wanting me to give up and give in so that i allow myself to further be controlled by it

Whenever i have a imagination/thought/picture of killing myself come up within my mind i stopp and breath - I realize that my mind wants me to give up on myself -give up on life- or particular point and into mind-control of emotional turmoil and selfjudgement. I stand up within myself as breath and i realize and stabilize myself here in the physical

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to express that i will kill myself to manipulate others to give in and fall for what i called "love" as relationship, istead of realizing that it is acctually fear of loss - fear of losing a part of self as what i have defined myself with

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to see and realize that "I kill myself if you go/I cannot live without you" is a statement of mind and as such true as the relationshipsystem will end with the inevitable end of the relationship, but is not self-honest as self is here allways the same
and the other way around...
Others expressing desire to kill themselves:
My partner also used "if u leave me i will kill myself", "I dont want to life anymore" and expressions like that as in the beginning i actually wanted to leave her a few times and did not after some hefty "shows" of her  - FUCK, i realize that she has decieved me as well as i have with her with this acts of extortion. All the fear, anger and guilt was not real as well as the feelings of being important and a saviour for the other. nevertheless i will write this out - one time as i was going to leave her she enclosed her in the bath with a knife and said that she is going to kill herself - this time i believed her as she would not open the door anymore and i begann to really fear that she will do this and to feel guilty. I got quite exited, angry and opened the door by force.

The essence here is that i wanted to believe that she is "killing herself if i leave", "that i am so important for her/i have to stay/i am needed" and that "i am saving her" all that giving me the feeling of having everything under control i am the strong male that has to calm her down and - the relationship and therefore myselfdefinition is secure   

SO, today the situation was similar as this Statement was made rather as an expression of reluctance and i reacted in fear and emotions wanting to help to define myself as a saviour, instead of standing self-honestly as the relisation of thoughts, emotions, feelings are of the mind

The Fear series: Fear of Selfrealisation

Not so far back in time i saw Selfrealisation as something "positiv" from the pespective of it being this great experinace which i would seek and run after in various way yet it was completly undefined and i did not see that i acctually fear self-realisation.( Yet this fear was there, for example with taking drugs i would most of the time dose low to "stay on the safe side" as experianced what a high dose can do in terms of alteration of mind - I want to have my fun but i must have it under control).  I created a imagination/picture of what selfrealistion is based on examples like Osho, Jesus, "Masters" and their teachings and experiances that i or friends mostly including drugs have made. So i was busy designing my own little experiances of bliss/realisation out of my idea of how it must be... I was simply fixiated on "this mangificent Experinace" that only existed in my mind that i would not associate it with fear. Why should one fear Selfrealistion! That`s what everyone wants!


So now in the context of Equality and Oneness Selfrealisation is no experiance. Selfrealisation is to realize myslef as all of existence - not just knowing it and understanding it - but realizing, making myself real in every way so that i stand as One with and equal to all in fact.
What does that mean?
Currently i live as a human being and in this i think/believe/percieve i have a human pysical body and i think/believe/percieve i walk with my human physical on the earth that is separate from me because - look i can jump in the air - the air i breath and think/believe/percieve it to be something separate that consists of a number of separate manifestations as different gases and dust, water, pollutants and other.
I think/believe/percieve myself to be separate to the plants and animals and i think/belive/percieve that i am separate to the other human beings on this earth - even from my neigbours and moreso from the beings on the other side of the world or complety different situations.
 In Fact there exists no separation

Inbreath - the air fills the lungs - it becomes part of my body
Outbreath - the air leaves the lungs - it becomes the air that surrounds me

Only this i "This I think/I believe/I Percieve" is in separation. It is not even sustainable it is a possible function of the human physical body an outflow created through and as energy actually it is not even a function of the physicalbody per se but of the mind-system within humans. So why the fear of realizing self as all of existence?
Basicly it is quite simple:
Realizing oneself as life means that this "I think/I believe/I percieve" has to go it is simply lost in expansion and what is remaining is what is really here as the physical reality from which have separated myself into/as ego.To remain in the limitaions of what "I think/I believe/I percieve" about myself a fear is created.
Otherwise this means to face what i have acceted and allowed to exist/manifest here as myself and equally in/as the world. Which is then the next point: Selfresponsibility
So the primariy point:
Fear of loss/Fear of death
Losing the ideas/believes/perptinons of myself

Sugar

So this is now my 11th day without sugar and over the last days i have often had small and stronger Cravings but ignored them pretty much and did not pay attention or investigate, nor write Forgiveness. After waking up today i experiancend quite a strong desire for sugar-based-bakery = cake, moreso as i knew my mother has baked one. I did Selfforgiveness and came about self-care then stood up and went downstairs. I was already pissed or unsatisfied as i could not get what i wanted e.g. sugar. but did not really get the point. I sat down on the table with them parents but did it because i experianced resistance and "wanting to do something other" and feeled controlled - i realized that i feel controled because i controlled myself as my feelings of anger that came up and firstly thought i feeled this way because i have participated in the "wrong descion" and controlled myself to present a nice behaviour in the desire to meet my own definitions of a good son to feel good. So i was possed by anger and we had some playouts today where allways searched for some point that caused it - Cool is also to see that it was a self-creation as i decided to sit there but i did doubt and judge myself at some stages of this day and the playouts because i did not see and look at the starting-point: The Desire within me for Sugar or Cake - Only about 2 hours ago i saw that this started from there and that i basicly blamed my mother for controlling me with suger/Sweets instead of actual care and I blame her for being responible for the System within me to what something someone to care for oneself and to satisfy the own desire. Looking agein i also blame others for apparently being responible for why i can not have what i want/desire, when i actualy i have not allowed it myself - So actually blamed her outside of myself for " the systems wihtin myself of her" that i jugde myself with. So i connected Sugar, (systematic)care, drugs, sweetness, satisfaction, Energy, enjoymnet, "Love", and Control from the perspective that i have placed thise expressions outside of myself on the manifestion of sugar and to experiance this i "need" sugar and therefore the parents that control sugar control the experiance and the other polarity is that i then experincend a sense of Freedom, Independence, braking the rules, rebelling, something forbidden, guilty when i broke the percieved  "control of the parents" - which was only that i could not have what i want immediatly or allways - and bought chocolate myself.


So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire and crave sugar
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore and bruise of the cravings that i experianced in relation to sweets/sugar and food
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to pay attention to myself as my reactions but judge them as unimportant
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to decieve myself in the believe that it is to easy and simple for me and suppress cravings/desires and inthis compound the reactions/suppressions so that i have to face and learn from a compound effect as manifested consequence, instead of prepare my way properly trough selfforgiveness and investigation before stopping sth. and in the moments of reaction
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i acctualy crave sugar or/and sweets, instead of realizing that it is the experiance that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect with eating it
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect a feeling or emotional experiance of Care to eating sugar/sweets
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe i do something good for myself if i eat sugar/sweets/food with sugar
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel cared for when eating sugar-containing food or sweets and if someone gives such food to me
I forgive myself that i have define eating sweets/sugar as self-care
I forgive myseflt that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i can only hadle myself, accept and love myself through eating sugar/sweets
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to eat sweets/sugar in times of stress to appartenly care for myself
I forgive myself taht i have accepted and allowed myself to eat sweets/sugar when i am angry to calm me down
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myselt to eat sweets and sugar when i am sad and lonly to satisfy me
I forgive myself that i have accetped and allowed myself to eat sweets to create an energetic experiance to manipulate myself to apparently "care" for myself so that only the sympthom/emotional state is changed, instead of acctualy living self-care as me