Thursday, October 27, 2011


Yesterday i got quite possed/possed myself with comments on facebook. After posting a quote of Bernard a being responed – I perceived the comment as inapropiate and thought “What does she want to say with this” ->Flagpoint, when looking at the comment it is common-sense. So I kind of wanted to test and see what she is about and asked a question. She responded with knowledge and I was then responding again with knowledge and then trying to promote equal money system. It went back and forth and on some level I knew that I am participating in Ego and wanted to have her consider desteni and equal-money. In this I had the perception I have to defend my point of view and find faults with hers – Knowledge.
She has promotes this non-dualitätstraining and also has a website with it – So I visited this site as she has made a comment on facebook and I wanted to check out “how is this” – So here I see one starting-point for this because here I created specific judgment like “She is doing this for money / Her training is of the mind/wrong” that fucked me now, because now I “think” that I am right I am better –my knowledge is superior- and actually that she is wrong/bad... In the first comments this was quite the same, something I did not fully agree with, compelled to write back “my View” then another comment from her that I did not fully agree with like “in each case the heart is the instance for decisions of a fully mature human”
but I stopped from writing back –

Interesting also that she replies on quotes of Bernard and than I feel like she misunderstands/misrepresents them, have the feeling that I have to defend it – So why do I defend something, because I believe it is mine I have understood something so what I defend is only my interpretation/perception that I actually use to define me. Because who I am is apparently not good enough I have to worship someone or something. The point that I have defined “self-honesty” in Bernard came also up yesterday before this, because I often had this picture/thoughts come up in the mind which is basically myself telling me I am not honest with myself.

Another point was then yesterday in selfforgiveness I looked at money and became quite possessed with “what is allowed as money/what I have allowed” and specifically the point that I saw my parents/father as a representant of money system – actually I created/accepted and allowed this definition in seeing/naming them “only” as “money-givers”. So the being on facebook I viewed also from this perspective and together with accepted and allowed backchat I had the outflow of thinking that she is also only manipulating/deceiving for money so my backchat manifested as points of the blame that were not openly directed to her, but like “lots of people do what they do only for money” and in the next comment I used a statement “Yes, lots of blood has run lots of work to do and is running in this very moment…”  within myself I wanted her to realize and consider Selfforgiveness with confronting others with stuff that I have not confronted myself – MINDFUCK
And I experienced this I started have fast heartbeat and anxiety/fear reaching the max with the most manipulative “blood is running…” I started to blame her thinking and fearing maybe she influences me with her knowledge/teachings, because “nonduality” you know she is everywhere, I was then judging her writings as manipulative and creating this energetic experience in me through specific placed words –hhhrrrrrggggggggg- like love and feared to be manipulated in/trough some kind of “unseen relationship” on the other hand some of the writing seemed resonalble - a judgement based on what desteni said- some I judged as bullshit Ok, so as I went home for the computerroom it was dark and I had no light with me so I had to go through the dark without light an my thought kept running again to the being – when I suddenly hit a car, the physical – so in that moment I realized “Fuck, she´s also a normal physical being – so no  magical powers involved her – I created this Mindfuck/Experience”

So, interesting also how much fear I have to realise this being as equal – looked and saw that I fear to be directed, because she offers training=direction=support so fear of falling for another, believe I have to defend my knowledge to secure separation = bullshit

Lol, this re-presents a basic pattern of myself.

In the mornings the door of my oven broke apart and a lot of brown sludge and dirt became visible under the clean surface:
-Fuck, the door broke. Look at all this dirt, fast, put it back together again.
-No, let it open. Cool now I can clean this stuff.

I commit myself to write here daily for the next 21days!

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