Monday, October 10, 2011

Killing myself

This point came up as/through a reation to a being in my reality today. A being expressed to me firstly with a gesture of "shooting himself" and than vocally as " Sometimes i think about this as a solution to all the bullshit" his thoughts. I reacted to this and tryed to explain that this is no way out, that it is actually a form of giving up on oneself and the conversion went from the "significance of life/Why living?" to the fucked upness of the (money)system, where i percieved the cause of his expression, to in the end back to " Why do we live/Life is shit". So, realized that i was getting emotional as feeling reponsible, helpless, guilty to wanting to "save him" "making see that life cool/valuable" basicly to get him to agree with me that "killing oneself is no way".
So i was then quite possessed by this reaction and stopped myself then to go further on the point of "Why to live", jet i wanted - or had already thoughts about how everyone is his own creator and blablahblah....
because i realized that this is really a point of self-realisation.
So the points that came up for my where:
Wanting to kill myself:
In this conversation i said that it is a form of giving up on self - its not a form, its the one point of actually giving up on self as life. So what in this moment came into my mind is a short flash or imagination that i had (have) in times of thinking about a particular girl - being possed by this longing for and the unability to get what i want, walkig around alone not able to get this "background" from my mind, seeing the fuckedupness of the situation and myself, judging myself for fucking myself in this isolated position.
This flash would consist of a short scene as a moment of grabing a gun and putting it on my head
I have also memory of me putting a knife on my wrist and crying also most definitly in my first relationship where this imagination has its source-point, what i have writen is ringing some bells.
It was in a similar situation as knowing that the being that i was possessed with as my "partner"( i did not really know what to write as it was quite fucked up we agreed to be "platonic partner" or friends but i was still sleeping at hers etc. we both feared letting go the other and if she was with her "actual partner" i allowed myself to dwell in and posses myself with all this emotions as jealousy, selfhate, anger, desperation, sorrow, longing, desire I really tortured myself with this bullshit to the max) was with another. So in this fucked up situations i thought about actually  killing myself. I also used this as a verbal weapon as the statement of "I will/would kill myself for you" this being apparently an act of "love". "I kill myself because i love you so much that i can not live without you"
basicly all to instill guilt and fear of loss to bind her and control my world and reality, securing my survival as my apparent mind-possessions

So why i wanted to kill myself was to escape this self-created experinace of torture and mental-pain signifying fear of loss. But this "possible way out" as the imagination of killing myself was also a trick of my mind to keep me going in/as the experiance and also to gloriefy this drama and myself as the "great lover" - just not to let go of and lose my-self-defintion. Look what i do to myself, to show you how much i "love" you
This shit is portrayed is quite well in the media for example in music: "Alles aus Liebe"

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to think "I would like to kill myself"
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to kill myself
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to imagine myself killing myself
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to exist in and as a imagination or idea of myself killing or shootin myself with a gun  
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allwoed myself to imagine myself shooting myself whit a gun to manipulate myself in the believe that i should give up on myself, give up on life
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed my mind to tell me what to do
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to allow myself to fall for the manipulation of my mind in believing and considering i should give up on myself and kill myself
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that shooting or killing oneself is a solution
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to see that the way out is the way out of the mind not out of life
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to think and a believe that killing myself is a way out
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to see and realize that the thoughts or picture of me killing myself is my mind wanting me to give up and give in so that i allow myself to further be controlled by it

Whenever i have a imagination/thought/picture of killing myself come up within my mind i stopp and breath - I realize that my mind wants me to give up on myself -give up on life- or particular point and into mind-control of emotional turmoil and selfjudgement. I stand up within myself as breath and i realize and stabilize myself here in the physical

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to express that i will kill myself to manipulate others to give in and fall for what i called "love" as relationship, istead of realizing that it is acctually fear of loss - fear of losing a part of self as what i have defined myself with

I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to see and realize that "I kill myself if you go/I cannot live without you" is a statement of mind and as such true as the relationshipsystem will end with the inevitable end of the relationship, but is not self-honest as self is here allways the same
and the other way around...
Others expressing desire to kill themselves:
My partner also used "if u leave me i will kill myself", "I dont want to life anymore" and expressions like that as in the beginning i actually wanted to leave her a few times and did not after some hefty "shows" of her  - FUCK, i realize that she has decieved me as well as i have with her with this acts of extortion. All the fear, anger and guilt was not real as well as the feelings of being important and a saviour for the other. nevertheless i will write this out - one time as i was going to leave her she enclosed her in the bath with a knife and said that she is going to kill herself - this time i believed her as she would not open the door anymore and i begann to really fear that she will do this and to feel guilty. I got quite exited, angry and opened the door by force.

The essence here is that i wanted to believe that she is "killing herself if i leave", "that i am so important for her/i have to stay/i am needed" and that "i am saving her" all that giving me the feeling of having everything under control i am the strong male that has to calm her down and - the relationship and therefore myselfdefinition is secure   

SO, today the situation was similar as this Statement was made rather as an expression of reluctance and i reacted in fear and emotions wanting to help to define myself as a saviour, instead of standing self-honestly as the relisation of thoughts, emotions, feelings are of the mind

No comments:

Post a Comment