Sugar

So this is now my 11th day without sugar and over the last days i have often had small and stronger Cravings but ignored them pretty much and did not pay attention or investigate, nor write Forgiveness. After waking up today i experiancend quite a strong desire for sugar-based-bakery = cake, moreso as i knew my mother has baked one. I did Selfforgiveness and came about self-care then stood up and went downstairs. I was already pissed or unsatisfied as i could not get what i wanted e.g. sugar. but did not really get the point. I sat down on the table with them parents but did it because i experianced resistance and "wanting to do something other" and feeled controlled - i realized that i feel controled because i controlled myself as my feelings of anger that came up and firstly thought i feeled this way because i have participated in the "wrong descion" and controlled myself to present a nice behaviour in the desire to meet my own definitions of a good son to feel good. So i was possed by anger and we had some playouts today where allways searched for some point that caused it - Cool is also to see that it was a self-creation as i decided to sit there but i did doubt and judge myself at some stages of this day and the playouts because i did not see and look at the starting-point: The Desire within me for Sugar or Cake - Only about 2 hours ago i saw that this started from there and that i basicly blamed my mother for controlling me with suger/Sweets instead of actual care and I blame her for being responible for the System within me to what something someone to care for oneself and to satisfy the own desire. Looking agein i also blame others for apparently being responible for why i can not have what i want/desire, when i actualy i have not allowed it myself - So actually blamed her outside of myself for " the systems wihtin myself of her" that i jugde myself with. So i connected Sugar, (systematic)care, drugs, sweetness, satisfaction, Energy, enjoymnet, "Love", and Control from the perspective that i have placed thise expressions outside of myself on the manifestion of sugar and to experiance this i "need" sugar and therefore the parents that control sugar control the experiance and the other polarity is that i then experincend a sense of Freedom, Independence, braking the rules, rebelling, something forbidden, guilty when i broke the percieved  "control of the parents" - which was only that i could not have what i want immediatly or allways - and bought chocolate myself.


So I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself for accepting and allowing myself to desire and crave sugar
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to ignore and bruise of the cravings that i experianced in relation to sweets/sugar and food
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to pay attention to myself as my reactions but judge them as unimportant
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to decieve myself in the believe that it is to easy and simple for me and suppress cravings/desires and inthis compound the reactions/suppressions so that i have to face and learn from a compound effect as manifested consequence, instead of prepare my way properly trough selfforgiveness and investigation before stopping sth. and in the moments of reaction
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i acctualy crave sugar or/and sweets, instead of realizing that it is the experiance that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect with eating it
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to connect a feeling or emotional experiance of Care to eating sugar/sweets
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe i do something good for myself if i eat sugar/sweets/food with sugar
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel cared for when eating sugar-containing food or sweets and if someone gives such food to me
I forgive myself that i have define eating sweets/sugar as self-care
I forgive myseflt that i have accepted and allowed myself to believe that i can only hadle myself, accept and love myself through eating sugar/sweets
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to eat sweets/sugar in times of stress to appartenly care for myself
I forgive myself taht i have accepted and allowed myself to eat sweets/sugar when i am angry to calm me down
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myselt to eat sweets and sugar when i am sad and lonly to satisfy me
I forgive myself that i have accetped and allowed myself to eat sweets to create an energetic experiance to manipulate myself to apparently "care" for myself so that only the sympthom/emotional state is changed, instead of acctualy living self-care as me