A broken oven

I work on my oven

the door brakes out

first I say fuck – all the shit!

then I clean it all out

So, while cleaning the oven today I realized that I have done this often in my life:

There are several experiences in my live where it felt like I “lost my mind”, felt controlled as everybody is out to get me, really where I could not look a person in the eye for longer that a few seconds, my friends/parents they all “want something from me” they are fucking nasty…

Wow, I was fucking exposed and did was not one time honest enough with myself to see and realize it…All the shit all the bullshit I saw/see in others was myself, all I fear was myself – The nasty, possessive, demonic, greedy, selfish truth of myself – all the thoughts, fantasies, desires, judgements that I never spoke or lived – because I am a fucking good and moral person – that I saw that I faced and that I experienced – but I would never realize and accept it as me.

No, the shit behind the veil is not me – it’s them they want (to get) me

In these situations I then tried to as fast as possible suppress/hide and deny myself but these experiences would never go away, because I have not dealt with it I never wanted to clean myself. Put the door back on it and go on!

It is really hilarious, funny and stupid at the same time what the fuck I have invested in keeping this fucked up oven close – how much energy I put into making myself believe that I am a good person that I am helpful a fucking saint – literally – or at least that everybody else is fucked.

That’s it that door stays open – I clean myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to create systematic constructs of believe to hide my dishonesty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to work on and as my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to exist in dishonesty about myself and others as myself through thinking

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think about myself or others creating energetic experiences within myself  

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hide and suppress my dishonesty as thoughts and emotional/energetic experiences about myself or others as myself within myself beneath a clean, good and moral sur-face

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to believe and think that I am this surface, instead of realizing and seeing and accepting that I am all of me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide all that I have judged as amoral, nasty, possessive, demonic, greedy behind personality-constructs of dishonesty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing to hide the “dirt of myself” behind a clean surface

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear what I have judged as dirty

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being exposed

I forgive myself for not allowing myself to see and realize that it is my personality-constructs my self believes that brakes and broke in those moments so that I can face myself

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that I have created them as me and made them brake as me so that I can face me – I have accepted and allowed my possessions, falls, problems, difficulties, addictions to make me see that I am not less that this constructs of believe that I have accepted as me - I am still here  

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to be angry and want to hate myself for what I put me trough and have accepted and allowed myself to be and become

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not face myself and accept what I see as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself as unbearable and simply unacceptable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to create myself as a automatic blame-system because of defining what exists within me and as what I exist within me as simply unacceptable and unbearable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear what I see when my systematic constructs of dishonesty break

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to victimize me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to play the victim in accepting and allowing myself to fear me and to hide from myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize myself in blaming myself and judging myself as “so flawed/bad – unbearable and unacceptable”

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize myself to my own thoughts, emotions and feelings

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe and think that I am less than what exists in my mind

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to victimize myself to my own accepted and allowed mind – Till here and no further - I stand up I do not any longer accept to play the victim

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can hide the jealousy and nastiness that exist within me as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can hide the abuse of and as thought word and deed that exists within me as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can hide the fear that exists within me as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can hide the greed and desires that exists within me as me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can hide all this manifestations within and as constructs of self-believe to make me seem acceptable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can hide from myself, instead of realizing that I am here always that i was here in every moment of and as life in and as this physical human body

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself see, realize and understand that there is nowhere to run and nowhere to hide because I have lived me and I know everything I have done and see everything I do

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that dishonesty can prevail

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see that dishonesty with self exists through and as this believe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that believes are life and can stand – I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that believes have any worth or value – I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that believes are made up lies that pretend to be life

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to pretend to be life to make my self be-lie.ves up in my mind

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think that I have to be(a)lie-ve and live a lie 

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to accept the thought as me that “I always have to lie and can never speak the truth”

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program me to lie

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program me to create me as lies

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program me to create me as a lair

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program me to create me as a make-believer

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program me to create me as a be-lie-er

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to program and create myself in such a way that I make myself believe that I am a-live, instead of living and realizing myself as life in every moment of breath

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that the “dirt of myself” is also a believe

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide the self-definitions that make me feel bad about myself beneath self-definitions that make me feel good about myself, instead of allowing myself to see that both are only definitions and believes about myself that I have given different value seeing beyond the polarity and realizing myself as the origin and source of my own game

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fear being confronted with myself

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to immediately “close the door”, run away, deny, hide when I am faced with myself as what I have judged as dirt, unacceptable and unbearable

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that I can not stand me

I forgive myself that I have not accepted and allowed myself to give myself the chance to really see me and accept me and give myself the proper time to investigate and clean me

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to rather close the door to myself and pretend that I have not seen me than to accept and care for me

I forgive myself that I have not allowed and accepted myself to take responsibility for what I have seen of me, but rather close the door in fear of myself

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to run away and hide from what I have created within me as me, instead of taking responsibility for me

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can clean me

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that I can live in a way that no dishonesty is created

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that i do not have to hide – I am here anyway

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see and realize that I do not have to be dishonest with myself – I am here anyway and I will face myself

I am here

I am purification

I am walking

I see myself

I accept myself

I clean myself

I create myself

I live myself