War and Pride 1

Memory (within the context of walking the DIP)

I am like very small under 5 years and my grandfather was still alive. He was a big guy very strong and tall. He made a wagon for me with whom he could care/pull me around because he was ashamed of using a baby buggy: That’s only for the skirt, only the skirt uses such things – I will never use such a thing. So I like to sit on his arm and I am very proud and exited, standing tall in the front of the wagon as he pulls me around in the 2 streets of the village. He enjoys this also and he speaks with in an encouraging and manly manner. He is proud that he has a grandson and that his son has at least done/made something good/to be proud of. Other beings great and speak to us and as we come back my grandma waits and smiles.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself how this was the installation of male pride within and as me:

Experiencing the mind-system of my grandfather as myself as the manifestation of pride for and as me = self-pride and then connecting this with the attention I as the mind got from the neighbors for the presentation of myself as this – feeding the pride-manifestation within and as myself as the mind of my grandfather as myself with energy and so INPRINTING the energetic-pattern and in this imprinting my grandfather as me – as a war-veteran

1 step: activating the mind as pride in grandfather = all memories of pride/victory/superiority

2 step: mind within and as me resonating as the same = creating geometrical structures in myself as water as physical body as sound

3 step: Energy-creation in and as the mind as this specific energetic pattering = entity manifestation

4 step: Imprinting trough extensive amount of energy activating and flowing through me as the energetic entity (Personality) – generated and transferred from the “neighbors” = as other beings around me – giving me a-tension = literally creating a electrical tension in and for the mind-system manifestation as Pride within myself – setting me under a power current

5 Step: Voila… Energetic mind pattering encarved into the physical into the water as a war-veteran-mind-system

Wow, fucked up I can’t believe it and doubt my memory – have I just made this experience up in my mind?

When we come to the house my grandmother awaits us = validation that for the fighting there awaits the “save heaven” and also the reward of the female/love at home = that what I have been fighting for to protect my family my property, my loved ones, my country 

Its very interesting because I have pictures flashing up of coming home from wars specifically WW and crusades and this Points of Hitler and his determination and direction also coming up over the last days – lol fuck also in relation to females because in the chat the have mentioned and brought up the point the lots of the females would/have admire(d) “Hitler/Mykey”- coming home wounded being treated as a hero having a medal the beings on the streets applauding and greeting with the Hitler-gruß 

Its also interesting in relation to the crusades I would have a memory/picture come up a few weeks ago of being killed and beheaded by a cavalier and in self-forgiveness I could see that I have – wherever this picture comes from, meaning it does not matter if its “a memory” or “a implanted picture – media” it exists within my mind – created and connect a fear and hatred and I indentified this a reason/point why I on some level hate Christians and in this myself (because I am formally a Christian) and have been influenced by this brainwashing
 

But I when is see functioning of the mind and how it works its like my grandfather has been impulsed and brainwashed by Hitler to “protect my family my property, my loved ones, my country” and go fighting - and Hitlers starting-point was also not self-honest so it was fear – and I have imprinted the whole bloody story of my grandfather – and I mean the point of pride and pride for fighting (for the limitations of the country or other frontlines) was/is specifically impulsed and propagated in wars

In addition to my last post: The back-pain the point on the left lower back is the manifested Self-doubt stemming from the Fall - Giving my complete power away to the mind and let it possess me -> Memory of killing the ants - Self-doubt, Mother(trust) is not there -> self-abuse/sadism Who am I when i enjoy entrapping and closing myself off? Entrapping life? lol because my girlfriend was not there...resentment!

Re-MIND-ing a FALL

Looking at the point of friends that was brought up in a chat yesterday i would see two relationships atm that are in my world. I asked myself why i am i particitating with the being and the point of helping and falling came up and two memorys, so it was at my "major Fall" into Pattern of drugabuse that i accepted and allowed. One point that is saw was the desire to be important for the other being, that i am needed. So this is quite and interessting Point that i could also see in my vlog timeline in the Video Fears i was already in Fear - lol - and fallen from this perpective into the fear.

So the starting point for this was experiance 4-5years back: I had decided to stop doing drugs, stop smoking weed from the point of getting the driverslicence back but the main point was the a got a girlfriend and had the points/toughts that "i would decieve her or the realisation that my lifestyle is fucked and abusive and i did not want to project it or draw her with in ...so from a perspective she was my point/reason to change. The important point is that i decided for the first time since to stop and did it for 2weeks or so...the point that she/relationship (or my idea of what a "good/ideal relationship" should be) was the point/reason of change for me is also important because it became than also the point/reason/exuse/justification to fall when we went to a large festival and she wanted to take meth. I can not even say i followed because i planned at home to so something else...something legal and created the backdoor. So anyway the trigger was the jealousy ...she is experiancing this i want also and an underling hidden desire. So this interesting because the exact same pattern was playing out this summer with a friend saying/wanting me to come with him them and i decline this point but what gets me to particepate/fall is a (specific) hidden desire for a sex/relationship.

The point of the fear/axiety came up because if i am honest i face quite a bit of it atm with the work and specifically other humans and the pulic(eye) and i ask myself where did i first experiance this and (besides Childhood/teeage-years) i mean where this point realy hit the fan was at this festival. We consumed Meth, i wanted to write that is known for its potential to induce psychosis=definition, and this caused a high level of nervous activity basically it is a manic, driven state...the mind in full force.
So we went dancing at on some point i lost my girlfriend and walked up to the tent alone i was nervously searching her but could not find so i went into the tent allone and consumed a N2o. It was completly dark, only sound and i had the experiance of falling down along such Matrix-connections like a fractal falling down along my spine without end. I felt/was/experianced myself as lost, gone, helpless, broken, alone and i was immensly releaved as i heard the frieds saying Andi, where are you... i remember specifcally in this moment think/experiacing "Your/The Friends are your rescue -They can help you out (of this hole)"

After that the next day we experiaced paranoia. Lots of paranoia what the neighbors say or that the police was there in big numbers. Really fucked up shit like "The neighbors are police, what if they have specifically placed themselves/ A helicopter is following me" and shit like that so i became aware that this bullshit pretty soon, but they would go on talking about it the whole day(S) reasoning/discussing back and forth - Manifested Backchat - Ok i see now also my position becaues i feeled a victim of the situation completly unable to bring them to reson...Actually i was only angry and concerned with my own fall and thus i like was trapped in the situation... because i myself wanted help from the Friends/other beings that was fucked up themselves..why could they not see and not stop I saw then no other way to separate myself and not talk to them because i feared that this will draw me with in their bullshit...like it is infective . I have placed my trust in others ...

Actually in this situation nothing/not much of me was there at all...The experiance would also not go away but in relation to my girlfriend i would pretend that everything is ok, i am in control of the situation, they are paranoid - all just supression and the experiace of brokenness and anger stayed with me. On the drive home i cried but suppressed it immediatly so that noone will see ...i could not understand that eveyone is happy again and that made me feel even more inferior. I wanted only to get home to get ganja in the believe that it will take away the anxiety and make me feel better

So why is this all relevant? I have conserved this fall (into the mind) with all the axiety and emotions, it was in the public(eye/police), i have placed my trust in others, reason/point of change = others, now the experiance of my fall this summer has shown that it is still there, i feel guilty because i think that if i would not have fallen the whole thing would not have happend...in the end self-interest because than apparently the relationship would have been different...
After that the whole relationship-construct of us "friends" desintegrated slowly but surely and everything got very abusive - so i blame and feel guilty - i feel responseable for lots of the things that originate from this - and in this i am still in this Hole... So this trust-placement in others is very fucked up and here is also the Past-contector as Guilt and the apparent responsiblity for others interesting- because i can see that my participation with friend and on this festival - and thus the fall, the accessing of the fall-memory and living it again, comes from feeling responsible for others/their experiance = guilt

SO this is quite can to open up and i will have a look at how this has influenced my process thus far...I mean what i can see immediatly is that after reiterating the fall->judgement->sepreation ->Ego to hide inferiority and for this the v-log timeline was Very cool to see



Check Out:

http://eqafe.com

http://desteni.org/

http://equalmoney.org/

Working-Writing

Writing out two points one being my experiance at work and the other being studying. So a prominent point within this work is jugement, self-judgement that i have to be very friendly and nice that i have to present a facade also this happens automatic. On the other had i react when i hear this from an other being a female on the register, when she said "Have a nice day off!" and laughts ...and i see how i want to write with this fake face...i react with anger/judgement/resentment. I thought that she only says this because she her self wants to have it be already tomorrow for the day off I judge her for this I think why must she say this constantly in a row. There are two points coming up one that i have judged this being specifically as looking like being not satisfied and the other that i have always connected this ceckouts to fear and anxiety. Ihate it. Cool there is coming up the point of me being in a shop with my mother; we were standing on the checkout and there were this plans to built this "special cars" from Leo. I grabbed such magazine and took it with me without paying, i was aware that it cost something or assumed it and actually it was then my mother that found out, or i even showed her. I was exposed. She asked "didn´t this cost anything" i pretended not to know...(fuck with rereading a sentence comes up: IF Daddy knows this...!-If your father would know this,...and later i will lie very persistent about stealing something... in a document of a social worker that examed me for court it says because of not wanting to disappoint my father) for it and my mother was way embarrased and brought it back under lots of excuses. - Before i wanted to write that i dont like registers because you have to give them money - So now i have the fear of being exposed at the register...by a female

A few thoughts/memorys came also up... the first was a work where i have 16 years or so before already worked in a shop a big shop and like done the same or similar like filling up the reagls and now the point cames up that i feeled like alone, exposed...as i was a very behütetes/verwöhntes Kind lol the big wide shop ... i did not really enjoy the work and looked somehow to pass the time ...I experianced it already there that it is a obligation and i have to do this - It was like a job for 20 or 30 hours a month (the same as now) - so that i learn to care for myslef that the money does not grow on the trees - fuck that is the same that i now tell myself and have created/see myself doing or had thought about doing...support myself to learn how to care for myslef in the world ...and i mean this is not wrong or something and actually what i am doing but it is triggering the emotional experinace of the past where i percieved it as obligation and other-directed by my parents... and as i blamed/resented my parents i now blame resent myself in and for this direction -- This I have to stop -- and actually i hear this as "the voice of my mother" "there he can learn who to make and earn money". Blame for why i have to go work in the system - the perception that i am rejected by my mother...i had this earlier in my life also why do i have to go to kindergarden...school i want to stay with my mother...no actually i was also resentful because she/them left me alone to go to work.

This was the second job to make money with, the first was in a factory for water controls and valves and i would work on a mashine and put in a piece, wait some time, take it out put in a new...and i started to count the pieces in my mind, to like esimate how much i have done, and how much i must still do because i wanted to have freetime/sparetime-holyday-lol i percieved the work as very boring ...waiting ...put in a piece ... waiting...and the point that i would see as reward money ...so its interessting because this was my first job my jobfoundation I stood on a mashine that directed me through its movements..dictated me when to move and when to do what and this thoughts where also present at this time already, ... however i did not want to do this for my whole life soooo "for the good money i/you get this work is cool/ok" i thought - and in this context: There are MILLIONS OF CHILDREN WORKING IN MUCH HARDER CIRCUMSTANCES and ADULTS
OK, this explains also the experiance of pitying and sorrow and even guilt i had come up while visiting a Factory for big motors and agregates with lots of beings working on such assembly lines - guilt because i have actally spited and judged the the beings back then "So i do not want to end, Its a pity, They are lost to work here forever" so this is my fake face of superiority turned into pitying - and the important sentance in addition to the spite "I will be/become something BETTER"

The first thing in the morning was that i have "forgotten" to set my alarm, no i have set the false one and thus slept two hours longer than i planned to and i at first reacted wanting to judge myself but than accepted it pretty much. I was rather depressed in the morning and already stessing of what i have to do and looked at the facebook where a pictures was brought to my attention that brought up the whole point of "self-love" and in this the question for me "yes, fuck why do i still not love me - why do i not express apreciation for what is here as all as equal?" and this brought up the point of self-hate ...

A interessting point in this context was the way i want to/do speak/direct/command myself as i have noticed that i often say "Stop!" to my backchat in a way that it is actually a form of self-hate and judgement: Go away! and in this actually abuse and to give me a experiance of superiority and control. This is a point for me to flag and consider how i participate Do i react of do i direct? ... Than a gentle No is enough and effective.

The working is also a interessting point now. Lots of reactions and as they accumulate i get chaught in the mind and lots of thinking...what is prominent is a Personality of wanting to be very friendly and a inferiority and self-judgement. There are more Points within this but one thing that i have seen specifically is that i do go into the mind pretty fast when i am faced with a "Problem/new Situation" when i dont know what to do, when i face a new situation and have to make a desicion and i have not yet established the way to do this - and there are lots of these situations...so i realize that this i quite normal behavior and nothing to judge. I use the mind to find a solution in the moment

I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to be able direct everything even things i have never done, seen or learned already
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to just want to breathe
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to not trust me in my decisions or words in the moment and then go into judgement and self-doubt in the mind and asking "was this right" should i have done this different analyizing and questioning every action and interaction
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that i particepate in a polarity of "wanting to know everything already-Superiority" and then "seeking validation/friendliness from inferiority"
I forgive myself that i have not alowed myself to see and realize that this wanting to be perfect is just a believe in my mind  
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to when i have done something: leave it at that and move on

Yesterday i have walked my first day at work. I came to the shop quite on the spot of time. Two other beings started to work on the same day and our boss like showed us around and explained to us what is what and what to do. So with the one being i had quite some reaction comming up of "she is a nerd, trying to impress the boss and/because she is fearfull/wants to present a nice face but actualy is in ego-competition with the boss" and then later on with working i noticed with myself who i try to be as fast as i can and some thoughts in the context of competition and also money came up = fear of survival. At the end of the shift the being and me where in one area together and i was done with my work. And what was interessting that i was then asking here to help her with her work - but here the point of superiority as "they are so tense/fearful/strikt" was present but also the point that i wanted to particepate and brake the ice and connect but as i asked for the name i experianced a axiousness and a personality/Ego-blanked and i also feeled rejected by her because she seemed uninterressted arrogant within only saying "aha"

i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to feel superiour to the being at work because of her behavior towards the boss, instead of realizing that i actually wanted to take over the attention of the boss for myself
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to want to always feel in control of the situations
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myslef to judge the being at work in the context of work and money and compare myself in the polarity of superior/inferior in terms of work and getting things done, instead of stopping the points in breath
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear for my own survival in the context of the money-system and thus think and believe that i have to prove through being better/faster than others that i am worthy of having the job
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that this fear and wanting to impress that i judged another/the other being for was in fact my own anxiety and believe that i have to prove myself based on a thought of the boss of us all that told me "if xy sees that you are fast and effective in work she will give u more work and shedule u accordingly"
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to judge being z as axious/tense/competing when it was actually my accepted and allowed point that i supressed instead of faced. So i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myslef to accept conflict and fighting for survival within myself and than manifest it into my world as ego/superiority
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to fear for survival
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to apply myself in work from the starting-point of fear for survival
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to see the beings at work as competition that i have to be superior to and that i have to beat and be better than, instead of realizing them as  me as physical beings here as equal
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to realize that this fear is not real and not necessary - i trust myself - i have the ability to simply walk this work and what i have to do here as my pyhsical body in breath without having to make myself superior to or compete to others!
Whenever a fear comes up or a judgement about myself - i do not supress - I take a breath bring the fear here and embrace it as me I stand up within the fear and release in the outbreath- I am here stable and do what is best for all in the moment
I stop and let go of attemts to impress the boss
I stop and let go of competition in and as the context of fear of survival

So, it is time for me to start over again. Start and walk the basic writing and sharing of my day-to-day real-live participation and the most prominent points because i actually ended up doing what i said i do not want to do in the beginning of sharing myself on the forums and walking this process: portraying stories about my f*cking personality - So here i missed the point that this process is about exposing the stories that i paticipate in
I sayed i am here to stop the mind and manifest heaven on earth and already this starting-point was of separation and thus i missed that it is myself as mind that i want to stop and myself that i have to bring and manifest here

Actually from this starting-point of separation it was a preprogrammed outflow to manifest ego and superiority separation, so self-judgement will also not help or be of any use for anyone. I faced quite some resitances and also shame and guilt, like in a situation where you keep on lying because you have already woven yourself into such a net of lies and can´t get out anymore but actually it is simply to stop and start again with myself as the starting-point of stopping.

To support myself in this process of self-realisation i start again with sharing myself here on the Blog and the Forums. It is time for me to come down from superiority and delusion and lern to walk in humbleness.