Friday, January 6, 2012


Writing out two points one being my experiance at work and the other being studying. So a prominent point within this work is jugement, self-judgement that i have to be very friendly and nice that i have to present a facade also this happens automatic. On the other had i react when i hear this from an other being a female on the register, when she said "Have a nice day off!" and laughts ...and i see how i want to write with this fake face...i react with anger/judgement/resentment. I thought that she only says this because she her self wants to have it be already tomorrow for the day off I judge her for this I think why must she say this constantly in a row. There are two points coming up one that i have judged this being specifically as looking like being not satisfied and the other that i have always connected this ceckouts to fear and anxiety. Ihate it. Cool there is coming up the point of me being in a shop with my mother; we were standing on the checkout and there were this plans to built this "special cars" from Leo. I grabbed such magazine and took it with me without paying, i was aware that it cost something or assumed it and actually it was then my mother that found out, or i even showed her. I was exposed. She asked "didn´t this cost anything" i pretended not to know...(fuck with rereading a sentence comes up: IF Daddy knows this...!-If your father would know this,...and later i will lie very persistent about stealing something... in a document of a social worker that examed me for court it says because of not wanting to disappoint my father) for it and my mother was way embarrased and brought it back under lots of excuses. - Before i wanted to write that i dont like registers because you have to give them money - So now i have the fear of being exposed at the a female

A few thoughts/memorys came also up... the first was a work where i have 16 years or so before already worked in a shop a big shop and like done the same or similar like filling up the reagls and now the point cames up that i feeled like alone, i was a very behütetes/verwöhntes Kind lol the big wide shop ... i did not really enjoy the work and looked somehow to pass the time ...I experianced it already there that it is a obligation and i have to do this - It was like a job for 20 or 30 hours a month (the same as now) - so that i learn to care for myslef that the money does not grow on the trees - fuck that is the same that i now tell myself and have created/see myself doing or had thought about myself to learn how to care for myslef in the world ...and i mean this is not wrong or something and actually what i am doing but it is triggering the emotional experinace of the past where i percieved it as obligation and other-directed by my parents... and as i blamed/resented my parents i now blame resent myself in and for this direction -- This I have to stop -- and actually i hear this as "the voice of my mother" "there he can learn who to make and earn money". Blame for why i have to go work in the system - the perception that i am rejected by my mother...i had this earlier in my life also why do i have to go to i want to stay with my actually i was also resentful because she/them left me alone to go to work.

This was the second job to make money with, the first was in a factory for water controls and valves and i would work on a mashine and put in a piece, wait some time, take it out put in a new...and i started to count the pieces in my mind, to like esimate how much i have done, and how much i must still do because i wanted to have freetime/sparetime-holyday-lol i percieved the work as very boring ...waiting ...put in a piece ... waiting...and the point that i would see as reward money its interessting because this was my first job my jobfoundation I stood on a mashine that directed me through its movements..dictated me when to move and when to do what and this thoughts where also present at this time already, ... however i did not want to do this for my whole life soooo "for the good money i/you get this work is cool/ok" i thought - and in this context: There are MILLIONS OF CHILDREN WORKING IN MUCH HARDER CIRCUMSTANCES and ADULTS
OK, this explains also the experiance of pitying and sorrow and even guilt i had come up while visiting a Factory for big motors and agregates with lots of beings working on such assembly lines - guilt because i have actally spited and judged the the beings back then "So i do not want to end, Its a pity, They are lost to work here forever" so this is my fake face of superiority turned into pitying - and the important sentance in addition to the spite "I will be/become something BETTER"

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