Monday, January 9, 2012

Re-MIND-ing a FALL

Looking at the point of friends that was brought up in a chat yesterday i would see two relationships atm that are in my world. I asked myself why i am i particitating with the being and the point of helping and falling came up and two memorys, so it was at my "major Fall" into Pattern of drugabuse that i accepted and allowed. One point that is saw was the desire to be important for the other being, that i am needed. So this is quite and interessting Point that i could also see in my vlog timeline in the Video Fears i was already in Fear - lol - and fallen from this perpective into the fear.

So the starting point for this was experiance 4-5years back: I had decided to stop doing drugs, stop smoking weed from the point of getting the driverslicence back but the main point was the a got a girlfriend and had the points/toughts that "i would decieve her or the realisation that my lifestyle is fucked and abusive and i did not want to project it or draw her with in from a perspective she was my point/reason to change. The important point is that i decided for the first time since to stop and did it for 2weeks or so...the point that she/relationship (or my idea of what a "good/ideal relationship" should be) was the point/reason of change for me is also important because it became than also the point/reason/exuse/justification to fall when we went to a large festival and she wanted to take meth. I can not even say i followed because i planned at home to so something else...something legal and created the backdoor. So anyway the trigger was the jealousy ...she is experiancing this i want also and an underling hidden desire. So this interesting because the exact same pattern was playing out this summer with a friend saying/wanting me to come with him them and i decline this point but what gets me to particepate/fall is a (specific) hidden desire for a sex/relationship.

The point of the fear/axiety came up because if i am honest i face quite a bit of it atm with the work and specifically other humans and the pulic(eye) and i ask myself where did i first experiance this and (besides Childhood/teeage-years) i mean where this point realy hit the fan was at this festival. We consumed Meth, i wanted to write that is known for its potential to induce psychosis=definition, and this caused a high level of nervous activity basically it is a manic, driven state...the mind in full force.
So we went dancing at on some point i lost my girlfriend and walked up to the tent alone i was nervously searching her but could not find so i went into the tent allone and consumed a N2o. It was completly dark, only sound and i had the experiance of falling down along such Matrix-connections like a fractal falling down along my spine without end. I felt/was/experianced myself as lost, gone, helpless, broken, alone and i was immensly releaved as i heard the frieds saying Andi, where are you... i remember specifcally in this moment think/experiacing "Your/The Friends are your rescue -They can help you out (of this hole)"

After that the next day we experiaced paranoia. Lots of paranoia what the neighbors say or that the police was there in big numbers. Really fucked up shit like "The neighbors are police, what if they have specifically placed themselves/ A helicopter is following me" and shit like that so i became aware that this bullshit pretty soon, but they would go on talking about it the whole day(S) reasoning/discussing back and forth - Manifested Backchat - Ok i see now also my position becaues i feeled a victim of the situation completly unable to bring them to reson...Actually i was only angry and concerned with my own fall and thus i like was trapped in the situation... because i myself wanted help from the Friends/other beings that was fucked up themselves..why could they not see and not stop I saw then no other way to separate myself and not talk to them because i feared that this will draw me with in their it is infective . I have placed my trust in others ...

Actually in this situation nothing/not much of me was there at all...The experiance would also not go away but in relation to my girlfriend i would pretend that everything is ok, i am in control of the situation, they are paranoid - all just supression and the experiace of brokenness and anger stayed with me. On the drive home i cried but suppressed it immediatly so that noone will see ...i could not understand that eveyone is happy again and that made me feel even more inferior. I wanted only to get home to get ganja in the believe that it will take away the anxiety and make me feel better

So why is this all relevant? I have conserved this fall (into the mind) with all the axiety and emotions, it was in the public(eye/police), i have placed my trust in others, reason/point of change = others, now the experiance of my fall this summer has shown that it is still there, i feel guilty because i think that if i would not have fallen the whole thing would not have the end self-interest because than apparently the relationship would have been different...
After that the whole relationship-construct of us "friends" desintegrated slowly but surely and everything got very abusive - so i blame and feel guilty - i feel responseable for lots of the things that originate from this - and in this i am still in this Hole... So this trust-placement in others is very fucked up and here is also the Past-contector as Guilt and the apparent responsiblity for others interesting- because i can see that my participation with friend and on this festival - and thus the fall, the accessing of the fall-memory and living it again, comes from feeling responsible for others/their experiance = guilt

SO this is quite can to open up and i will have a look at how this has influenced my process thus far...I mean what i can see immediatly is that after reiterating the fall->judgement->sepreation ->Ego to hide inferiority and for this the v-log timeline was Very cool to see

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