So, at the moment i am not really wanting to write an am actually having the thoughts of "A i will only write a little/What the fuck should i write about?"
In the mornings i fell a sleep again, after being woken by the alarm. I drove to work with my dad and in the car i noticed myself still having residual backchat about an conversation froma few days ago and i tryed to speak with him about some "meaningless" stuff and still participate in Ego. Sometimes when i for example sit on his place in the kitchen i feel like i am him or like "this exact behavior is my father in me" or when i sit near him i have/had then thoughts like "I participiate in Ego - and i know it - so you can see/face who you are"  which is clear revenge and i also experiance an anger
Later after work we eat together and i asked him if there is something separation us - actually i sad if he is not wanting to eat more and feeling not fit because of/in relation to me/our conversation/paticipiation on Monday, or if it is only in me. He said it must be in me, he is over it fine with it ... but the thing that is haunting him and that i should consider is that/how/why i used the word HATE in realation to religion/parents and in general.
We that talked a bit, quite cool, and he said that he never wants or tryes to never wants to say to others again:" You can not do that/You will never make that" so that i could share that i noticed that i always try to prove something to him/them to "show him" taht i can do it on my own which even showes in this not wanting to drive with him in the car, but "on my own"

The day started with my mother waking me...because i did not set the alarm (subconciosly) and it was interesting because i did not react so much but my mother was really "afraid" and said "Oh, i did not know if i may wake u"
Lots of accumulated miscommunictation and interpretation on both sides I missed my train then which was not really necessary and feeled guilty - actually i feeled also guilty that my mother "is afraid to talk normal to me/wake me" and that i did not set the alarm - i stopped the backchat of selfjudgement and spite also seeing that i yesterday wrote about this - missing the train or getting it in the last seconds - and realizing that it will not change anything if i spite and judge myself.

I spotted an jumble sale and went there to pass the time. After walking around aimlessly i saw an Matrix-Video and this caused and emotional experiance of "Yeah, exactly now i know why i am here - the matrix so cool!"- Fuck, i am possessed by an Film, actually, before going to Ozora, i noticed that every time i put on my sunglass i think about Morpheus and feel like i percive his Charakter -lol- ok, it is not really lol because it is a point of me "being the ONLY ONE that SEES and having to wake the others up", basicly total separation through percived knowledge, and this shit is rooted in past experiances/memories that i still have to work trough write/forgive - The guy with that sold the video had also a sunglass and said "Ah, the Matrix" and i had this feeling of "he also knows" - I mean i was aware that this is "bullshit" and decided to by it for sentimental reasons - So i wanted to "feel" this as some kind of Specialness as to belong to a "Underground-group" or some kind of group with "special knowledge" - RINGRING, my past is here as the DrugandPartyScene and other "hobbies" that i applyed myself in particular with two other beings.

Fuck i really have to start writing earlier...

The point of guilt was present the whole day, subtle but there, and i really noticed how i feel responsible for basicly everything that happens/goes wrong or even when another being is emotional. Today we had some "failures without proper reason" in the lab - like maschines not working or my messurements not fitting where the cause was not to pinpoint, and in this i saw that i even feel guilty for a maschine not working that is placed 500m away and me having not seen it for over 2years - hm, but i have worked with it a few jears ago, maybe there again the past -Fuck -

A cool realization in relation to this was that: NO ONE IS GUILTY - EVERYONE IS RESPONS-ABLE

Today

Today was still infused with anger and Ego. The day started with my dad waking my a hour earlier than i planned to ask if i want to drive to work with him because it was raining. I reacted with thoughts like "Fuck, why cant they let me be/The always have to direct me/I said them that i want to go on my own" and with it quite an intense anger/frustration which manifested as a knot in my troath-region that stayed with me most of the day also with nausea/quesiness. I realized that it is a mind-pattern and stopped it with breathing and attention. I stayed than awake and spoke shortly to my mother about it, that i was quite angry after that and she said that it really rained when they woke me, as it has stopped by now. Actually i said yes i will go with my dad, but then really saw that it was not my desicion but me following the concern/worry of my mother and that the rain had stopped and i needed my bike. I had then some time to do some stuff and - something that i do often - said/thought : Ok, so this has also somthing good/positive and it is actually cool so i have time to do this.
So i created and positive opposite polarity to my acctual experiance of anger and the negative charge i have given to the situation
I enjoyed cycling to the trainstation, which is about 15-20min but had to hurry a bit as i always go shortly before it is to late - lol - again a behaviour that i live often:
I first have lots of time till the next nesecary step to take and move accordingly slow or not if not nessecary, than as the next moment comes near i start to hurry and rush to catch up and meet the "goal" shortly before it is to late - for example today i stepped in the train 30seconds before it started to move - right on time
I see that i have conected feeling of specialness and even kind of pride to this - its is also the point to do only the nessecary that "the System" demands - In this i see myself as superior to other beings that for example are at the station 10min before the train leaves because they apperantly want to conform and stress themselves, they want to be good sheeps. Actually it is me that is creating stress for myself and allow my mind to control me through selfcreated fears and stess - What a bullshit, here i have also created a point of superiorety from fear and stress, instead of allowing myself to give myself time to actually be here in the moment regardless what i do. Interessting!

In the train i reacted then to a conductor or/and the words he spoke to a being - authoristiation-card and school season-ticked - I experianced suppresion of myself with emotions of fear and anger. The Point that opend up is the fear of being controled/directed in general but also thru some/any kind of autority like police, teacher, parents etc.
I wrote and spoke some Selfforgiveness, but this was only a scratching on the tip of the ice-berg, lol, i mean it worked properly but this point is vast and goes deep. This will be very cool to explore and forgive release myself from

In work i became aware of how i much i have allowed myself to participate in selfhate/selfdenial/selfdiminishment/worthlessness etc. Really basiclly everywhere i go at the moment memorys of selfabuse pop up to be faced and corrected through forgiveness and stopping the emotions to live here now instead of the past

A last point for today was a female being, with whom i have worked together a few jears, saying "How are you looking today?-your hair is shorter again" and this hit me and i experianced fear/anxiety. And what hit me specifically was that "How are you looking today" as there was a time where i was in work completly fucked up either on drugs or on withrawl - also in the aftermath of a relationship - or/and shaking/breaking inside in fear/panic/anger/REGRET EMOTION-HELL under the surface of EGO - literally trying to hold myslef together by any means so that no one may see me

Enjoyed the day and now going to rest
Thanks for reading

Anger...

Ok, today i had the whole time an stuffed nose and a kind of sore troath. It was raining and i was going with the bike to collect some mushrooms in the woods. Later i heared a newer desteni-video and read the SR-Document from Veno on the nose point and applyed Selfforgiveness. I found then a huge amount of suppressed anger in relation to religion/christianity/church etc. and was at the point where i forgave myself for connecting this anger to my parents as they are also Christians. The anger transformed as i was on the toilett and i feeled free and happy. There i had the memory of me staying at home from church and than asked my parents how old i was back then and how i expressed myself in relation to religion etc.
This then set of a conversation that first went quite "cool" from my perspective as my dad shared some points of anger against my grandfather and mother and me clearified a system that i have also:

As i was a child we went to my grandma every sunday to have a family-gathering until i was about 14 years where i stopped my participiation rather apruptly especialy with me the getting/having an relationship and spending most time with her. My realized then that my childhood is over and also the time where i will participate with them in familiyactivitys. So from this point on she said that she blame her mother for "forcing" us to come every Sunday and she feels like my grandmother have stolen her something/the "time where i was young" and that we have never had the time to do something together.
This is very interesting because yesterday (a sunday) i realized this feeling and thougts within me that i feel forced to participate with them
Also the point that i feel like my mother has taken something (my enjoyment) away came up

The "problem" begann as i was trying to explain myself and i started to participate in Ego and Emotions more and more - trying to make them understand - and the conversation started to lose direction, or i started to lose direction of myself and it ended in a two angry beings (my dad and myself) as the startingpoint of the whole thing was this released energy of and unfinished Selfforgiveness

SO, better to finish a point or sort out completely by oneself than to go and talk and ask others (that are involed) on the subject. I see that i have done this over the last days a few times - like talking about memorys or selfrealizations - EGO-alarm!

Update

Ok, so i start with how the trip to the festival played out and to put it quite clear it was a major fall for myself.
It`s "funny" because i a short time before read at the forums of anothers fall and thougt "Hm, why did you do this, i did not expect this of you", so now i have created my own fall and answers.

So, what happend?

A friend phoned me to ask if i want to come with them to a goa-festival, and i said no it will not work, i have plans to work in this time. He said he is disappointed then and that i should come, it will be great, i am stupid not to come etc. Next day a female friend phoned and asked that i should come with them and she/them want to have me participate. After making sense -thinking- of why i should go there i then said yes and went with them. There i participated in taking drugs for about a week, creating shitloads of anger/frustration, selfjudgement/blame, emotional tourmoil - generally particpating in the mind

So, what the fuck!

The first point is to see that i have deliberatly ignored myself and disregarded practical commen sense as i was quite aware that this is a "trap" of my mind.
First point to be aware of is this "helper/good friend"-point where did not clearly say to my friend "No, i am not interrested" and did not want to dissapoint him - or my definition of myself - which is actually a startingpoint of fear (of loss)
Second point was the the female being and her call were i really changed my mind and my whole "personality" - Desire and hope for relationship/sex or something along those lines- and this is also not coming from nowhere as i/we have allowed some "illusions" floating around in relation to this being

Ok, at this stage i was seeing that i this is mind-bullshit and neither point is real
- the friend being disapointed and poor as he has to go allone - i mean fuck it is his desicion - and i am the only apperantly "normal" person to come with him
- and the female phoning once in a year and then saying "Hi, here is your old devotee/admirer..."- she said it in joking way but it had its effect- and stuff like that


The points are the desire to be recognized, to be important for others, to be desired, to be needed and the according egodefinitions that are being meet - That i am recognized by others, that i am important for others, that i am desired by others and that i am needed, exactly me ... by them ... wow! they love me!
And i want to believe such bullshit instead of sticking to the truth that they have their own desires, fears etc. and therefore agendas - just as me
As wrote earlier i knew/saw that they want to manipulate me/i am manipulating myself to come with them and that it is a fall and actually had the Words - i think of Veno - in myself that the decision to fall is allways deliberate...and yes i decided to fall
Then i started to create reasons why i should go to validate this decision - and they are real bullshit:
I have to stand my ground also in such scenarios
I have to/can show myself that i can stand in this enviroment of druguse and parting
I have to stand one and equal also to this manifestation
I have created this outflow two jears ago and now i have to face it - through desiring to go to this party two jears ago- i have to correct this
Maybe it is really cool and i meet people how are interessted in equality
Ah, an importent one: I have to go there and fall to see how i act and who i am now in this to see if i have changed :-)(
I have to go into the mind to see myself as the mind to then correct/realease myself from it ...

Ok, so this ties in with another/the same point that i realized in myself today:
I hurt myself to get attention/to give myself attention
I abuse myself to get attention/to give myself attention


I saw this in a memory today - not only in one today - fuck - actually i am aware of this and have brought it to my attention in various differnt ways but i did not listen - i did not care - i did not give myself attention and work on this "point"

STOP-TILL HERE AND NO FURTHER

I will no longer accept allow myself to fuck myself/abuse myself/hurt or harm myself to make myself pay attention and care for myself - I will no longer accept and allow myself to ignore myself, deny myself, reject myself when there are no emotions to stimulate myself
I can and will take care of this point as manifestation of behaviourpattern by self-investigation, self-forgivenes and self-correction in/as my living application
I push myself to be here as attention in every moment of breath - not only when in (self-created) trouble

Geld bewegt mein Fahrrad

Um mit dem Ende anzufangen: Gerade habe ich in München am Bahnhof 10€ bezahlt um mein Fahrrad vom Fundbüro auszulösen – um es zu bewegen. Eine halbe Stunde vorher habe ich es mit einer Metall-Konstruktion genannt Schloss, gekauft mit Geld, an einen Pfosten befestigt um es und damit mich-selbst davor vor dem Verlust zu schützen der entstehen wurde, sollte es von einem anderen Wesen bewegt werden um Geld aus dem Verkauf zu generieren – gestohlen werden – damit ich nicht wieder Geld dafür ausgeben muss ein neues Fahrrad zu bekommen.

Also für Geld - wenn ich jemanden Geld gebe oder Geld dafür erhalte – bewegt sich mein Fahrrad.

Das ist aber nur eine Dimension seines Daseins – Gehe ich an den Anfang - ja wo is der noch mal? – und schaue mir an wie mein Fahrrad zu-stande gekommen ist sehe ich viele Teile - wie die Räder, die aus weiteren kleineren Teilen bestehen wie den Gummischlauch und den kleinen Gewindeschrauben die die Speichen in ihrer Position halten – die aus Rohstoffen wie Kautschuk oder Eisenerz bestehen. Am besten ist wohl man fängt da an wo Menschen den Staub der Erde für Geld bewegen und für Geld verarbeiten um daraus Rohstoffe zu gewinnen.

Diese Rohstoffe bewegen sich dann wieder auf verschiedenen Transportmitteln – etwa in Schiffen oder Zügen oder Lastwagen –  sie werden bewegt von Menschen für Geld.

In diversen Fabriken werden die einzelnen Teile in vielen Schritten er-schaffen, erzeugt und bearbeitet – von Menschen für Geld – bis man dann Teile hat die „ausgereift“ genug sind um sie in einer Fahrradfabrik zu versammeln - was gemacht wird von Menschen durch Geld – und sie schließlich zu einem Fahrrad anzuordnen – gemacht von Menschen für Geld.

 

Das fertige Fahrrad bewegt sich dann – für Geld – in eines der entsprechenden Fahrrad-geschäfte oder zu einem Fahrradhändler, der sich für Geld bewegen lässt mir oder jedem anderen das Fahrrad zu verkaufen.

Wenn ich wir anschaue wie und wieso ich mich mit dem Fahrrad bewege sehe ich dass ich oft in die Arbeit oder in die Fachhochschule fahre was gemacht wird um - direkt oder indirekt, früher oder später - Geld zu generieren. Und wie bewegt sich mein Fahrrad? Indem ich trete, eine Bewegung mit meinen Beinen ausführe. Meine Beine bewegen sich durch Kontraktion meiner Muskel, einer Bewegung – erzeugt durch und bestimmt von Energie – aus Nahrungsmittelenergie. Um Nahrungsmittel zu essen, um mein Fahrrad bewegen zu können, muss ich Geld aufwenden. Geld bewegt nicht nur mein Fahrrad sondern auch meine Muskeln meinen Körper, mich selbst.

One with and Equal to my Bike  

Und wer zum Teufel bewegt dieses Geld?

Menschen

Jeder Mensch bewegt Geld und wird von Geld bewegt!

Warum? Was hat dieses Geld, was wir scheinbar nicht haben wovon wir uns bewegen lassen (zu allem was hier ist und in dieser Welt erscheint)

Was bewegt uns dazu Waffen oder Drogen zu produzieren und zu verkaufen?

Wert

Geld hat Wert - Geld ist Wert

Wieso zum Teufel hat Geld Wert? Wer zum Teufel sagt das?

Geld ist bedruckter Zellstoff oder Metall dem Form gegeben wurde!

Wir haben Geld Wert gegeben wir als Menschheit haben vereinbart zu glauben das Geld Wert hat – nicht Leben selbst, nicht die Bewegung selbst, nicht wir selbst haben Wert – wir haben uns von unserem Selbst-Wert in und als Bewegung getrennt und lassen uns – wie alles andere in unserm System – (nur noch) durch einen scheinbaren/Illusionären Wert in der Außenwelt – Geld -  bewegen

Leaving

Leaving

right now i am sitting in a train to my hometown to stay with my parents for the next month, going on a trip to ozora-festival with a group of friends and then, for the rest of the time working in the lab where I learned to work as chemist, to support myself with money. I had quite a hard time deciding if I will go to ozora and in this realized how fucking possessed with fear I really am – lol –

 If I go there I feared to ask at work if I can work a week later, I will have less money, but also the basic point of feeling guilty for not doing enough work and instead make holiday - this I projected on parents what will they think?, fear of being directed by my friends as they asked me to come with them, fear of doing the wrong thing in relation to process, fear of meeting females there,  fear of taking drugs there, fear that I will enjoy it there, fear of not enjoying it and then regretting that I went there, fear of comparing myself with others and judge them to make myself feel better, fear of meeting new people, fear of being too possessed with my own believes and self-definitions to just be here

If I do not go there I feared missing something, fear of regretting not going there, fear of being with my parents so long

Ok, so the thing was that I wanted to go there two years ago, but now I did not have that desire anymore rather the whole endeavour seemed more like an effort.

And for what ? Music, dancing people, “holiday”, energy, “celebration” – Hmm, I see that I somehow judge(d) and spite(d) this manifestations in trying to get to an decision.

Oh my judged and in this feared quite a lot manifestations or experiances to not go there anymore, which is no solution its in-feariority

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear asking for holiday in work in the fear of disappointing them because “they have done so much for me” in fixing this job for me

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that I have created the appointment of working 4 weeks by myself through asking for work in this period – so I am dis-appointing myself with working only 2.5weeks, which has nothing to do with the feelings of others

Shit – I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see realize and understand that I can only ever dis-appoint myself when I do not stand as a-point that I have decided/realized

I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to automatically connect a feeling of disappointment to “not standing a point/appointment with myself” – to manipulate me through a feeling- instead of first of all looking at the point in the principle of what is best for self as all and walking the correction

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see that I experience dis-appoint when a point of self-definition of mind is not meet

Ok, now it 02:00 and I am sitting in Saloon of my parents house. I wanted to start writing with the topic of leaving so – as I was in my own flat today I was experiencing some fears basiclly of loss and some sorrow in relation to studying, people and the future, as this Semester was my last of regular studing, no lectures anymore. I created then some stress with packing my stuff and had to move. So as I was leaving I meet outside my neighbour, and she   and two friends were also packing her stuff as she is moving away completely. I went over to say “Good By” and we talked a little bit. I had to hurry to get the train and she said she was kind of wired and fucked today – I then thought because you are moving, losing your  definition to/as the study-experience therefore u are sad, fear of loss – we hugged and I said “That’s Ok, it s gonna be alright soon” while driving away. As I drove I noticed that I felt better/strong/stable.

In the train I did something similar: There was a female that I had backchat about, I have seen her before and somehow I have the thoughts coming up that she looks “abused” and “angry” the I identified myself with her and saw myself in her. Then I had the thought of wanting to help her in a way – In this is the definition and the believe that I am more stable/strong/better and I felt like that also

I that realized that I am allowing this behaviour and that I – in both cases - tried to cover up my own feelings of fear and sorrow by consoling another (female) instead of facing the point and seeing what comes up in myself.

Than later a friend called and was sharing that he is sad and has called me, because a friend has moved out of their house and then asked “Why did u leave so early last time at the party and yesterday” and I denied/hid the point of fear of loss again to him and to myself,  realized this then and “corrected” it by talking about it, I talked about a minute – lol – till I realized that he was not there anymore, my accu was empty...