Sunday, August 14, 2011


Ok, so i start with how the trip to the festival played out and to put it quite clear it was a major fall for myself.
It`s "funny" because i a short time before read at the forums of anothers fall and thougt "Hm, why did you do this, i did not expect this of you", so now i have created my own fall and answers.

So, what happend?

A friend phoned me to ask if i want to come with them to a goa-festival, and i said no it will not work, i have plans to work in this time. He said he is disappointed then and that i should come, it will be great, i am stupid not to come etc. Next day a female friend phoned and asked that i should come with them and she/them want to have me participate. After making sense -thinking- of why i should go there i then said yes and went with them. There i participated in taking drugs for about a week, creating shitloads of anger/frustration, selfjudgement/blame, emotional tourmoil - generally particpating in the mind

So, what the fuck!

The first point is to see that i have deliberatly ignored myself and disregarded practical commen sense as i was quite aware that this is a "trap" of my mind.
First point to be aware of is this "helper/good friend"-point where did not clearly say to my friend "No, i am not interrested" and did not want to dissapoint him - or my definition of myself - which is actually a startingpoint of fear (of loss)
Second point was the the female being and her call were i really changed my mind and my whole "personality" - Desire and hope for relationship/sex or something along those lines- and this is also not coming from nowhere as i/we have allowed some "illusions" floating around in relation to this being

Ok, at this stage i was seeing that i this is mind-bullshit and neither point is real
- the friend being disapointed and poor as he has to go allone - i mean fuck it is his desicion - and i am the only apperantly "normal" person to come with him
- and the female phoning once in a year and then saying "Hi, here is your old devotee/admirer..."- she said it in joking way but it had its effect- and stuff like that

The points are the desire to be recognized, to be important for others, to be desired, to be needed and the according egodefinitions that are being meet - That i am recognized by others, that i am important for others, that i am desired by others and that i am needed, exactly me ... by them ... wow! they love me!
And i want to believe such bullshit instead of sticking to the truth that they have their own desires, fears etc. and therefore agendas - just as me
As wrote earlier i knew/saw that they want to manipulate me/i am manipulating myself to come with them and that it is a fall and actually had the Words - i think of Veno - in myself that the decision to fall is allways deliberate...and yes i decided to fall
Then i started to create reasons why i should go to validate this decision - and they are real bullshit:
I have to stand my ground also in such scenarios
I have to/can show myself that i can stand in this enviroment of druguse and parting
I have to stand one and equal also to this manifestation
I have created this outflow two jears ago and now i have to face it - through desiring to go to this party two jears ago- i have to correct this
Maybe it is really cool and i meet people how are interessted in equality
Ah, an importent one: I have to go there and fall to see how i act and who i am now in this to see if i have changed :-)(
I have to go into the mind to see myself as the mind to then correct/realease myself from it ...

Ok, so this ties in with another/the same point that i realized in myself today:
I hurt myself to get attention/to give myself attention
I abuse myself to get attention/to give myself attention

I saw this in a memory today - not only in one today - fuck - actually i am aware of this and have brought it to my attention in various differnt ways but i did not listen - i did not care - i did not give myself attention and work on this "point"


I will no longer accept allow myself to fuck myself/abuse myself/hurt or harm myself to make myself pay attention and care for myself - I will no longer accept and allow myself to ignore myself, deny myself, reject myself when there are no emotions to stimulate myself
I can and will take care of this point as manifestation of behaviourpattern by self-investigation, self-forgivenes and self-correction in/as my living application
I push myself to be here as attention in every moment of breath - not only when in (self-created) trouble

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