Tuesday, August 16, 2011


Today was still infused with anger and Ego. The day started with my dad waking my a hour earlier than i planned to ask if i want to drive to work with him because it was raining. I reacted with thoughts like "Fuck, why cant they let me be/The always have to direct me/I said them that i want to go on my own" and with it quite an intense anger/frustration which manifested as a knot in my troath-region that stayed with me most of the day also with nausea/quesiness. I realized that it is a mind-pattern and stopped it with breathing and attention. I stayed than awake and spoke shortly to my mother about it, that i was quite angry after that and she said that it really rained when they woke me, as it has stopped by now. Actually i said yes i will go with my dad, but then really saw that it was not my desicion but me following the concern/worry of my mother and that the rain had stopped and i needed my bike. I had then some time to do some stuff and - something that i do often - said/thought : Ok, so this has also somthing good/positive and it is actually cool so i have time to do this.
So i created and positive opposite polarity to my acctual experiance of anger and the negative charge i have given to the situation
I enjoyed cycling to the trainstation, which is about 15-20min but had to hurry a bit as i always go shortly before it is to late - lol - again a behaviour that i live often:
I first have lots of time till the next nesecary step to take and move accordingly slow or not if not nessecary, than as the next moment comes near i start to hurry and rush to catch up and meet the "goal" shortly before it is to late - for example today i stepped in the train 30seconds before it started to move - right on time
I see that i have conected feeling of specialness and even kind of pride to this - its is also the point to do only the nessecary that "the System" demands - In this i see myself as superior to other beings that for example are at the station 10min before the train leaves because they apperantly want to conform and stress themselves, they want to be good sheeps. Actually it is me that is creating stress for myself and allow my mind to control me through selfcreated fears and stess - What a bullshit, here i have also created a point of superiorety from fear and stress, instead of allowing myself to give myself time to actually be here in the moment regardless what i do. Interessting!

In the train i reacted then to a conductor or/and the words he spoke to a being - authoristiation-card and school season-ticked - I experianced suppresion of myself with emotions of fear and anger. The Point that opend up is the fear of being controled/directed in general but also thru some/any kind of autority like police, teacher, parents etc.
I wrote and spoke some Selfforgiveness, but this was only a scratching on the tip of the ice-berg, lol, i mean it worked properly but this point is vast and goes deep. This will be very cool to explore and forgive release myself from

In work i became aware of how i much i have allowed myself to participate in selfhate/selfdenial/selfdiminishment/worthlessness etc. Really basiclly everywhere i go at the moment memorys of selfabuse pop up to be faced and corrected through forgiveness and stopping the emotions to live here now instead of the past

A last point for today was a female being, with whom i have worked together a few jears, saying "How are you looking today?-your hair is shorter again" and this hit me and i experianced fear/anxiety. And what hit me specifically was that "How are you looking today" as there was a time where i was in work completly fucked up either on drugs or on withrawl - also in the aftermath of a relationship - or/and shaking/breaking inside in fear/panic/anger/REGRET EMOTION-HELL under the surface of EGO - literally trying to hold myslef together by any means so that no one may see me

Enjoyed the day and now going to rest
Thanks for reading

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