Wednesday, August 17, 2011

The day started with my mother waking me...because i did not set the alarm (subconciosly) and it was interesting because i did not react so much but my mother was really "afraid" and said "Oh, i did not know if i may wake u"
Lots of accumulated miscommunictation and interpretation on both sides I missed my train then which was not really necessary and feeled guilty - actually i feeled also guilty that my mother "is afraid to talk normal to me/wake me" and that i did not set the alarm - i stopped the backchat of selfjudgement and spite also seeing that i yesterday wrote about this - missing the train or getting it in the last seconds - and realizing that it will not change anything if i spite and judge myself.

I spotted an jumble sale and went there to pass the time. After walking around aimlessly i saw an Matrix-Video and this caused and emotional experiance of "Yeah, exactly now i know why i am here - the matrix so cool!"- Fuck, i am possessed by an Film, actually, before going to Ozora, i noticed that every time i put on my sunglass i think about Morpheus and feel like i percive his Charakter -lol- ok, it is not really lol because it is a point of me "being the ONLY ONE that SEES and having to wake the others up", basicly total separation through percived knowledge, and this shit is rooted in past experiances/memories that i still have to work trough write/forgive - The guy with that sold the video had also a sunglass and said "Ah, the Matrix" and i had this feeling of "he also knows" - I mean i was aware that this is "bullshit" and decided to by it for sentimental reasons - So i wanted to "feel" this as some kind of Specialness as to belong to a "Underground-group" or some kind of group with "special knowledge" - RINGRING, my past is here as the DrugandPartyScene and other "hobbies" that i applyed myself in particular with two other beings.

Fuck i really have to start writing earlier...

The point of guilt was present the whole day, subtle but there, and i really noticed how i feel responsible for basicly everything that happens/goes wrong or even when another being is emotional. Today we had some "failures without proper reason" in the lab - like maschines not working or my messurements not fitting where the cause was not to pinpoint, and in this i saw that i even feel guilty for a maschine not working that is placed 500m away and me having not seen it for over 2years - hm, but i have worked with it a few jears ago, maybe there again the past -Fuck -

A cool realization in relation to this was that: NO ONE IS GUILTY - EVERYONE IS RESPONS-ABLE

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