Fear of sharing self-forgiveness

Often i would want to share self-forgiveness as a tool with other beings for example with friends and family
but restrain myself from it and only say: "You/one can forgive oneself" yet i know this is not sufficient - then i feel like leaving them out half-way Why do i not share unconditionally:
Possible points
- Feeling not stable and clear enough to do so
- Fear/thoughts that the other being is not interessted/will not apply
- using it as a point of superiority as: I do SF- i am better, they will not understand
                                                        They are christians, they will not understand, be interrested
- Fear of being dishonest with myself for pushing this point - which is a self-realisation-point - onto others
- No proper "material" for self-application like the destini faq in german that i could simply give to other to study  an test for themselves -> i mean this is a point of simply translating it...
- underlying anger/frust/hatred of not wanting to forgive myself as them/others and therfore not sharing    self-forgiveness and related nastyness

Writing 16092011

So today i had mostly to do with facing in myself in interacting with my mother. As i was getting up in the morning she told me that the chimmney sweeper was "already" in a tonality and way that i interpreted als worried and of anxiety and i reacted with anger and feeling resonsible to "do something". She was sitting in front of the TV and watching such a show were they would sell "holiday" - "for the cheapest price available", "all inclusive here", "really worthy and exclusive holiday" and lots of this shit - So i sat down and breath and the anger somewhat went down reading the newspaper. But this whole situation i could not bear as having this "brainless, manipulative catter" running in the TV and my mother watching it. So at some point i expressed that "This shit should be banned - such fucked up brainwashing" and i decided to move an sort out papers etc. So my mother also started to move and we cleaned parts of the house which was quite cool, but there also was backchat that "i have supported/helped now". I then wanted to sort out old stuff/cloth that is still here from ten years back when i lived here...This i will definitly do - as it is simply a point sorting out "the past" it is "my stuff so i will do it" -
Over and conversation with my mother i "forgot" to do so...while speaking with her i experianced itching on my chest area - manifested consequence - not to strong but noticable, suppressed not dealt with and forgiven anger, the point of feeling controled, frustration, blame and - the conversation was "Ok" from certain perspective but went the to energetic - an interessting thing is that it acctually started/was instigated by me reacting to "father is not as capable and resilent anymore after the operation" and me reacting to the word resilent - i percieved it as blame - and started to say that maybe she has to be more sensitive now. So i realized than that this is "not my business" or what i am doing and i shared somethings, she shared somethings and we basicly ended or i relaised that she is taking it personaly as i was sharing how i experianced some of the childhood
Ok this played later again in another conversation.
I have also today procrastinated working on the DiP-assignement and not writen or done self-forgiveness, but indulged in lots of icecream an laziness
  I will push myself to participate more in practical living application again

Writing 15092011

First point today was some reaction to my mother as i slowly but surely am getting angry/frustrated with living with my parents and especially blame it on my mother also on my father but with my mother it is more fucked, as if i speak to her about stuff there is very fast the point of her being "hurt" crying -going into this emotional manipulation and this is always the same cycle - but on the other hand i have to... Hmm, the point today morning was that she was tired and expressing this and i am having a hard time not to be influenced by this and not to judge her or my parents and i have to see that i do and that have not taken self-responsibility in writing self-forgiving because of the belive that "i am aware of the points" and simply have to walk the correction in not reacting - yet this is not so easy because there are more points within me not solved /transcended for real- at the moment i am at the point of facing the point of "wanting to help/save/care" others in writing and also procrastinate it. Yet the point keeps comming up in my world and angering me in other beings when i see that it is dishonest.
I AM ANGRY FOR NOT FACING THIS POINT IN MYSEFLF AND STOP IT!
If i am not standing clear of emotions but act from energy it benefits no-one

So waht i also experiance is a strong desire to leave for a few days as i have allowed myself to feel supressed and obviously supressed myself over time here. I was going to get a train today to go to my place over the weekend and as i was leaving the house i was excited, happy and feeling free/releaved and as i missed the train experianced immediate disapointment and supression and - as much as i would like -to and also do i-
blame my parents and their livestyle/belives and the bullshit i am responisble for myself

Yet especially the points of my mother taking anti-depressants for extendet time and the obvious self-delusions of believing in "jesus/god/i am saved/i have given my live to jesus" and the whole bullshit is a very "hard pill to swallow" without judging or wanting to help/have an influence/intervene/have an impact
But i see this is exactly the point i have to stop and CARE FOR MYSELF in appling Selfforgivenss on the points...
One point i could clear up a little bit was that i always thought that "I was responsible for my parents turning to believe/Jesus" jet after asking my mother shared that she got there trough "suffering in the hospital"as a cause-point-yet selfhonestly it is complety irrelevant...

Writing 14092011 Accept it - and you are fucked

So today i had and "interessting" experiance of mind-possesion. So with stopping masturbation i have noticed some compunding of systems wihtin myself and also desire for sex or orgasm underlying yet it is possible to breath trough and i do so. At work two girls were going outside to get a sample a short walk away. It was raining outside and as they were coming back i was asking if they have gotten wet by the rain. One of them said "No, because we had an umbrella"
As she was gone a collegue said "So, then you have nothing/not to rub them dry"
I had an imagination of this popping up in the mind and - interpreted it sexually - and reacted with laughting/smiling but also the thought that this sentence of him was his minds interpretation of the situation and the thought that he says this to me because he knows i have no relationship and sees me in this way and wants to kind of "get me out behind the oven"
I reacted again and said to him -because he is in relationship, and i percived the situation as him projecting his desire- "Yeah, but you are not even allowed to..."
So in this reaction i have already accepted the bullshit-imagination
As it was bugging me in my break i applyed self-forgiveness spoken aloud on Sex/self-expression/slef-care and experianced quite an release and opening up - and expressed myself more with the beings - jet i experianced myself possesed by the point and then soon started to judge and supress myself again, especially in relation to the femals at work, as i would the want to flirt and talk etc. with them, but than there are lots of points that i judge like them having partners, being to young - wihtin this i can see that i very often connect and realate the most forms of relating -with females- to relationship and have a lot of morality-bullshit created around it.
The point that i want to make is that if i would have stayed here, instead of going into separation and thinking that "it was his projection ... .blahblah" i would not have accepted to reacted and in this manifested the playout of judgements and possesion

Writing 13092011

Yesterday i applied Venos Selfforgiveness on the Forhead-point and this was very helpfull to dissipate the energy in the forehead but also to get more insight in the cause as my behaviours - when i jugde myself for my position in the system judging myself as my mind for my achievements or work. Wanting to be recognized and approved. Comparing and judging myself in relation to money, "access to sex". A interesting point was that other beings said to me "you are good at explaining things - a good teacher - do you want to be a teacher sometime"
- In my brake this came up again and i firstly was not sure if the beings were honestly sharing what they thing or why they say this, but this is also irrelevant from the perspective of: I can see, how i can and do care and take the being in consideration that i "teach" something and that if i allow myself to accept this situation as me i do ok an have fun with it. The interessting thing is how it is really a quite different application and mesure that i put up for myself.
So why am i not effective in "teaching" myself - In diciple(in)-ing myself - or mybe i am - but i am not patient but rather hard!and therefore i do not hear myself
I am not supporting myself in appying and estabishing what i have changed, but i am still fixiated on the "failures" of myself and then judgeing myself instead of embracing them as me as working on them as myself.
Discepline myself to do/live the words i speak.

Writing 12092011

Ok i am quite frustrated at the moment or today as i was experiancing lots of reactions. I experianc a pressure on my eyes and forehead that is quite uncomfortable. I see this still connected to the experinace of going to the mountain - compromising myself in the believe that i "will help the other being"- its a point i have to really be careful of and work with selfforgiveness as this played out in many relationships - and i always fucked myself up-
It stems from competition/comparing wanting to be superiour/fear or inferiority -> judgment-> Ego-believe ->fight for Ego-believe
Ok, so this week i want to get at least 6 hours sleep so - good night

Writing 11092011

Today i typed a intro for the ITD-Forums and i asked myself why i really did not share myself for the last month on the forum, as i wrote only "Ego-reasons" and lots of stuff to do - the one point being a validation/exuse and "Ego-reasons" is quite undefined. Than i looked at that the last post was about wanting a relationship and i wanted to open this up but again i "had lots to do" at this time and since then i did not touch the construct/point again in writing, only in reality were i could for example see that if i feel angry/stressed with something and i want to get away a picture/thought about a female comes up. So, now what is interessting is that i am now at a point also in the DIP were i opened up a memory where i went into my first relationship that i did resist to write out quite some time. So basiclly the point is that my relationships where all from the point of needing in something or someone to love, care for, support because i have not allowed this to do for myself as myself. The care, love, support experianced is the same but it is directed outside and therefore dependent on something outside of self instead of me supporting myself whatever. So this is the point to open up and look at. Also prominent in all my relations is this point of "helping/saving/supporting" v.s."being helped/supported/saved" - ego-point- instead of a relating to the best of both as actually creating a experinace of enjoyment as equals. This also what came up yesterday.