Thursday, September 15, 2011

Writing 15092011

First point today was some reaction to my mother as i slowly but surely am getting angry/frustrated with living with my parents and especially blame it on my mother also on my father but with my mother it is more fucked, as if i speak to her about stuff there is very fast the point of her being "hurt" crying -going into this emotional manipulation and this is always the same cycle - but on the other hand i have to... Hmm, the point today morning was that she was tired and expressing this and i am having a hard time not to be influenced by this and not to judge her or my parents and i have to see that i do and that have not taken self-responsibility in writing self-forgiving because of the belive that "i am aware of the points" and simply have to walk the correction in not reacting - yet this is not so easy because there are more points within me not solved /transcended for real- at the moment i am at the point of facing the point of "wanting to help/save/care" others in writing and also procrastinate it. Yet the point keeps comming up in my world and angering me in other beings when i see that it is dishonest.
If i am not standing clear of emotions but act from energy it benefits no-one

So waht i also experiance is a strong desire to leave for a few days as i have allowed myself to feel supressed and obviously supressed myself over time here. I was going to get a train today to go to my place over the weekend and as i was leaving the house i was excited, happy and feeling free/releaved and as i missed the train experianced immediate disapointment and supression and - as much as i would like -to and also do i-
blame my parents and their livestyle/belives and the bullshit i am responisble for myself

Yet especially the points of my mother taking anti-depressants for extendet time and the obvious self-delusions of believing in "jesus/god/i am saved/i have given my live to jesus" and the whole bullshit is a very "hard pill to swallow" without judging or wanting to help/have an influence/intervene/have an impact
But i see this is exactly the point i have to stop and CARE FOR MYSELF in appling Selfforgivenss on the points...
One point i could clear up a little bit was that i always thought that "I was responsible for my parents turning to believe/Jesus" jet after asking my mother shared that she got there trough "suffering in the hospital"as a cause-point-yet selfhonestly it is complety irrelevant...

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