Writing 11092011

Today i typed a intro for the ITD-Forums and i asked myself why i really did not share myself for the last month on the forum, as i wrote only "Ego-reasons" and lots of stuff to do - the one point being a validation/exuse and "Ego-reasons" is quite undefined. Than i looked at that the last post was about wanting a relationship and i wanted to open this up but again i "had lots to do" at this time and since then i did not touch the construct/point again in writing, only in reality were i could for example see that if i feel angry/stressed with something and i want to get away a picture/thought about a female comes up. So, now what is interessting is that i am now at a point also in the DIP were i opened up a memory where i went into my first relationship that i did resist to write out quite some time. So basiclly the point is that my relationships where all from the point of needing in something or someone to love, care for, support because i have not allowed this to do for myself as myself. The care, love, support experianced is the same but it is directed outside and therefore dependent on something outside of self instead of me supporting myself whatever. So this is the point to open up and look at. Also prominent in all my relations is this point of "helping/saving/supporting" v.s."being helped/supported/saved" - ego-point- instead of a relating to the best of both as actually creating a experinace of enjoyment as equals. This also what came up yesterday.