Friday, September 16, 2011

Writing 16092011

So today i had mostly to do with facing in myself in interacting with my mother. As i was getting up in the morning she told me that the chimmney sweeper was "already" in a tonality and way that i interpreted als worried and of anxiety and i reacted with anger and feeling resonsible to "do something". She was sitting in front of the TV and watching such a show were they would sell "holiday" - "for the cheapest price available", "all inclusive here", "really worthy and exclusive holiday" and lots of this shit - So i sat down and breath and the anger somewhat went down reading the newspaper. But this whole situation i could not bear as having this "brainless, manipulative catter" running in the TV and my mother watching it. So at some point i expressed that "This shit should be banned - such fucked up brainwashing" and i decided to move an sort out papers etc. So my mother also started to move and we cleaned parts of the house which was quite cool, but there also was backchat that "i have supported/helped now". I then wanted to sort out old stuff/cloth that is still here from ten years back when i lived here...This i will definitly do - as it is simply a point sorting out "the past" it is "my stuff so i will do it" -
Over and conversation with my mother i "forgot" to do so...while speaking with her i experianced itching on my chest area - manifested consequence - not to strong but noticable, suppressed not dealt with and forgiven anger, the point of feeling controled, frustration, blame and - the conversation was "Ok" from certain perspective but went the to energetic - an interessting thing is that it acctually started/was instigated by me reacting to "father is not as capable and resilent anymore after the operation" and me reacting to the word resilent - i percieved it as blame - and started to say that maybe she has to be more sensitive now. So i realized than that this is "not my business" or what i am doing and i shared somethings, she shared somethings and we basicly ended or i relaised that she is taking it personaly as i was sharing how i experianced some of the childhood
Ok this played later again in another conversation.
I have also today procrastinated working on the DiP-assignement and not writen or done self-forgiveness, but indulged in lots of icecream an laziness
  I will push myself to participate more in practical living application again

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