OLDYEARSEVES

Here now the point of New Years Eve - Silvester... I had a animal, a cuddly toy that i named silvester actually it was named silvester - Silvester the cat - with the small yellow bird Tweety... However, my first... shit, as a child i always "loved" silvester the newyearseve and the cuddly-toy - it was my favourite! lol

It was a very exciting time of the year shortly after christmas and no school for 2 weeks or something. Most of the time i have gotten some cool things for christmas and i am still busy playing with one or another piece, so i can stay at home and play. In the days before i went somewhere to buy fireworks and i was allowed to search and pic some. Throughout the whole day you could already hear scattered crackers being fired and this furthered the tension in me - because it was constantly there but still in the background. In the evening we would most of the time visit a aunt and have a party with Fondue and/or Raclette and basically a majority of the family. So here the adults was drinking and ocasionally one of them would go out with us youngsters to fire a cracker - to feel like a young boy himself.

The fireworks was the most intersting Point and actually its really interesting how much this resembles an Orgasm. Its an orgasmic experiance -lol- that leaves a sulfuric smelling air behind - didn´t they have this in HELL lots of fire and stinky sulfuric AIR - a E-motion-HELL - A HELL created from moving ENERGY-Combustion

However i found the fireworks extremly cool and was then allowed to light some of it - under oversight of my parents more specifically my father...my mother would rather stay in distance and i would only hear "Be aware andi, its dangerous" -lol- my father had also a böller - a salute canon - that was fucking loud and litterally the hair would stand up when it was fired and you stand close to it. I was also allowed to shoot the thing - and how can one describe it? - quite an impression a shockwave that resonates through the whole being as a dull pound, and actually i was fucking scared and petrified - and after that: PRIDE

In the teenjears then "we" found ways to the get ourselves firecracker and other equipment so "we" where not dependent on the "goodwill" of the parents to give us the stuff and also this was then a time of handicraft work because "we" soon realized that we can make "bigger bangs" than what was sold in the shops. In "we" i refer to a few friends and one in particular and we would get very creative in designing such stuff. The first design i can remember was a small "rocket" made of aluminiumfoil and matches...where did i learn this? The TV.

Ok so this was a very busy time for us und we had "a lot of fun" with "10cent-bombs" ( a ten-Pfennig-piece wrapped with loaded paperrolles for toyguns) that you can throw on the bottom and they explode. We made it a game and a ritual to in the mornigs at the train station throw such a thing and than run away. It made quite a noise and I enjoyed it quite a bit to affraight and shock myself and the other beings on the station - I still find it funny as i have this picture of a man going there with his briefcase, slumbering along not thinking any bad ... and than BAMM ... he is awake. Ok its propably not funny, i enjoyed such pranks.

We also played this "games" where we would go somewhere in the wood or the a gravel pit chasing each other and trowing the firecracker at each other, also blowing up specific things like bottles or cans. So, basically we played and prepared for war - like small kittens do only learn to fight and not make it serious yet ok, not quite... quite a belittlement of the situation - and from this perspective it is obviously pretty fucked up...we actually accepted and allowed this whole war-game design within us and feed it with actual energy as emotions and feelings - because the shock when such a cracker explodes near by is a real phyiscal effect and also the thoughts ... i mean "I want to get you - I will blow you up - You cant hide, i will destroy you" - its quite fucked up its like "Level 1-Trainingscamp" for the future Soldiers ... and I enjoyed the rushes, adrenaline and exitement - fighting.
Interessting, as there comes up quite alot of such behavior where we/i created this adrenalin-rushes and "fright and flight" states delibeatly that was actually a whole phase in my life of "doorbellringing" "jumping of somewhere" "going where you are not allowed" "blowing up stuff" ... what can we do ... a lets this prank, jump of there etc. searching for energy - first one creates a fear (i do not believe that you have the heart to do so) than you do have the intense fear and you go and do it and than you have your Ego-satisfaction and that was - interesstingly - based on thoughts like "We/I have fucked with them / We/I have shown him/her/them" = SPITE        
Also it gave me some confidence and "trust" in manipulating the system and other humans because at a age of 12-15 we easily could purchase firecrackers that was allowed for adults >18 only and we could fing a shop that was also selling us actual explosives, which is quite interessting because it gives me as i see now the validation for the self-righteousness and demonic ego-possession i created in relation to my parents from a memory where i have stolen my father gunpowder and than separated myself into "- "so, they have judged me back then and now i can get/buy this stuff here in a shop" and this jusified also the behavior of hiding myself and not facing consequence - because here i/we have found someone who "dont give a fuck"

Wow - we/i discovered the "Black-market" and that there is allways someone to sell you what you want - you just need the "right CONNECTION"

SO to come back to the point - my experiance with New-Years-Eve changed when my primary point of  energy-generation changed to a actual relationship with a female and also here alcohol and partying, going out etc. appears on my screen. Silvester we would spent at some friends houses and drinking massive amounts of alcohol often with people/beings that was major oponents/rivales from my perspective in the "fight for my relationship/partner/girl" and i experianced myself as very inferior and this partys became for me mostly a point to get drunk enough to loosen up and  pose as Ego - i mean we were playing this relationship-games "Yeah i like your boyfriend, he is sweet or The nicest ass has this girlfriend, but this one has the biggest tits, we have done this sexually etc." And than i would be proud and tease my partner make her jealous "So, she really said she would fuck with me, i would like that maybe i should try that..." so that she would "struggle" for me and get in gear to have sex with me - this is interessting because this perspective i have not allowed myself to see that i have also made her struggle for me equally ...i was quite convinced that she has done this to me Ok ... - so this was quite a dishonest and irresponsible Charade of comparison/jealousy/judgement/FEAR - real bullshit the whole time on high voltage but suppressed and transformed with alcohol into a "party" and on 5 min before 12 we would go out and light the fireworks and run around and greet the random other beings "happy new year, prost,prost das de gurgl net verrost" and than for exmple jumping into the bushes of the neighbor one after another, like totally possessed - which would than also create problems for the girl we where partying at...no parents around" - yes fuck this was my first silvester with Girlfriend, alcohol, no adult-police with "not realy but still kind of innocent" 16years BIG FUCKUP... emotionHell.

The point of creating fireworks ourselves stayed as a ego-point and tradition but this partying and meetings on silvester i could not really enjoy and accumulated more spite for this point also in relation to much uncooler the relationship was going and a few years later i had a new years eve where i would only stay at home completly allone drinking champange and smoking pot and there also my spite and superiority in relation to the beings that participate in this bullshit became quite extensive and i was losing the interest in this at all - interesting that here also them major point of energy-relationship had changed ... now i was smoking ganja. There was a phonecall on this evening i was phoning with the Ex and i sayed no i will not come with you in to the city and in this i kind of wanted to prove that i do not any longer allow myself to be abused by her and played with - i feeled quite superior to her she is now participating in this party-bullshit, she has no clue. I wanted to show her that i don´t need her anymore - FUCK UP i am over you - I mean my actual feelings i could not even suppress on that day and underlying was a lonelyness, helplessness inferiority and still the point that i wanted ther back. I made from a IGIVEUP A UFUCKUP - but only for myself. Its kind of hard to remember what have paritcipated in it gives me quite a"block in the solar plexus" ... I have connect the day and the "event" to a Point of "FUCK IT" but again i said this only to myslef "Fuck off on silvester" and the following years will reflect this nicely.

It interessting, i have actually since week or so the whole time since christmas also the perception that my mind is much more active ... i feel depressed and also like these days and all the abuse is imprinted as i have some thoughts of "maybe i should simply fucking get drunken and pull down some fucking liquer" also christmas i mean i was always drunken or druged for the last 10-12 years -lol- that´s actually quite cool that it is not so this time ! ! !

OK, the last four Newyearseven were quite the same: Get fucking drunk, eat with mostly the same friends Raclette, talk shit...like a familiy - a fucked up family - take some E and have the fucking energetic combustion going inside=outside; Basically i did this whole thing always only half-hearted completely dull.
Like, I have to do something and i dont know what to do either = real ZOMBIE-HOOd to wake up somewhere in the mornings - still fucked up and half drunk to grab the next/remaining beer or wahtever to start the day ....bbrrrr

Its fascinating that last year i have created a small bullshit-revival of the original jealousy-fuckit-bullshit:
There was this girl/female that i have accepted and allowed a sexual desire for some time and on the day we meet we flirt a little and i have a phantasie/imagination about doing sexual stuff with her while staying over night at my friend. Next day she comes and visits us again and we get drunk and "have fun" and at some point she asks if i come with her to her place - and here comes also up my bullshit backchat and sexual insecurity...i had already stopped to drink, smoke(ganja) and drugs and now with her i participated in all of that and also with the backchat to get sex but justifing it because she does it ...its because of her...i am the fucked up innocent victim LOL-FUCK that is getting intoxitated by the evil female actually the desire was the whole time in the Back- and we get drunk, smoke and talk and on some point go to bed and sleep.
I mean i found this actually quite enjoyable to sleep and wake up with an other being but the desire was still there somewhere and not honestly talked about and so we repeated this the next day and i stayed with her again but still was like "there should happen something" so no unconditional.

On the silvester than we did the usual drunkdrugritalfood and it was than kind of late about 05:00 and actually wanted her to stay with me again but than an other male phoned and she decided to stay with him - drive over to him and i actually said to her... yeah go you should go and in this simply was not honest - naja i guess it was also to see for me how the hidden secret desires fuck with me - i have acctually not seen this before and in sommer allowed to manifest a whole fucking timeloop to see that i still want to fuck her and allow self-compromise and abuse in this desire.

SO this was the past and this stayes the past - the old ritual to let go of the old jear and make New Years Resolutions i will also let go off because my commitment is to stand up when i fall and align myself as LIFE in the principle of what is best for all everyday A NEW

Justification is HELL

The last week or something i have spent in quite a possession of super-i-ority and Ego a personality of fighting that manifested while visiting my parents over christmas and was partly also based on my lacking self-infestigation of my own history christmans. Here i fucked myself in simply building a perception of myself as what i know is or would be the right thing - it´s a day as every other day / i will not participate in it - and than projected this held on and protected this idea, the changed picture of me, with fighting. The starting-point for this however i can find in the was the realization/facing of the dependency on the relationship to and monetary support from my parents, that created inferiority in me, or more specific the perception of freedom when i get/have the job - I do not have to submit to present a "good son"/I can say/be/do what i want now i am not inferior anymore. Which carries allready the seed of revenge and superiority.

So what i have done than was to base acceptence and allowence of fighting on the event of christmas and instead of really looking at what would come up of feelings and emotions i supressed and seperated myself. The Point here is that i lived exactly the same pattern, because i have defined christmas as fucked and a hypocricy over the years before also...actually i could after the inital profit-phase as a child never like it and "Once a jear we are nice, the rest we keep silent and supressed" so i used this/or a gave my Ego/Mind a real artwork of point to take revenge - in the end again on myself - because i have not written about it beforehand and the point came up, several times, write about christmas write about it ...prepare yourself, and here the point of super-i-ority above myself, my mind/the past comes in ... no i have realized this, it is common sense that christmas is bullshit and I/EGO can stand as this. Dishonesty with myself as the mind and how and what i have created myself in this situations through Memory...would i have looked at/written it most definatily i would have realized that i just reiterated the same pattern/statement with a more advanced justification.

Basically all the Ego-possessions have a tigger-point somewhere in the past - They must because the Ego is energetic past patterns and so when i find any, a single definition of the past that i justify i kick in the mind. JUSTIFICATION makes the Life HELL - and in this is i still a process for me to see and realize what justification really is - Because basically if i find and reason to validate my experiance it is justification. I make up a story of points in time that are only perceptions or ideas, judgements about myself that may or my not be correct and i can place and arrange them as i want = only personality building - bringing oneself through/across somehow ... across is cool because it is really a "cross" to justify onself - i crucify myself as life in the moment to emerge as a personality that i want to bring as a-cross ... a sacrifice - I justify myself to be validated to be accepted to be let in...lol some cool points came up within the visit.

Be let in as the actual be let in, because when i had smoked or stayed out late i had to justifiy this when coming home and to get beyond the "human-checkpoint" of the parent where one is rewiewd:

Where have you been its late. I want to HEAR no/a good exuse?

What do you LOOK like?

What is this SMELL?

Here i learned to tell stories and justify myself also because i exactly knew (PERCEPTION) what the Checkpoint whats to hear to let me pass without further investigation - basically i lied or told half-truth often because i had done something from which i percived/believed-knewfrompast that it will not be cool/accepted and approved by the parents.

However this is not the point of what i wanted to write as NEWYEARSEVE

Gettingajob

.Ok, wiriting out the last few days. I am sitting in the saloon in the house of my parents and have some coffe and sesambars with me. About 3 weeks or so ago i realized that fuck i am realy basically completly dependent on the parents and than decided to apply for a job to get some money and with this stop the support of my parents and rather live of some money that i have accumulated for the next few months. First i was like hesitant and "will this work out" "uhh, i can still get all the good money so i can save it" but bascially i became aware of what that fuck the fucked up backchat consist of: Within me and also within the parents - i mean i did not want to see it so clear and basically made some half-hearted attempts to get a job, but i was in this fucking enslaved to the parents throught the money and this religious shit fucks me really like for them its like a validation that  god exists and their prayer work because i "seem to be on the right track" now - and i have accepted and allowed to play this role within this to get the money like pretended to be who i am not, presented Personality in fear of survival, it is quite fucked up i had often this thoughts and self-judgements before like i am their parasite, i am sucking their money of and actually i have been - i am part of their Ego - and they are part of my Ego


So what egomanifestation and bullshit-support for the mind i have actually allowed with relaing on their support for so long - me as the begger/slave/inferior them as the master/superior and then also the backchat in the oppsite direction- is quite fucked up an eventually was the point - after looking selfhonestly - also a comment on youtube to a vlog that i realized that i have to stand on my own feet.

Taking action and walking the point of getting the job was then a liberating and cool experiance as this was actually the first time that i would direct myself to do get a job from the startin-point of the realization of self-responsebility so i realized its for me as and i want to work for me to stand as myself on my own two feet. Also there is the point that i in this so to speak put some pressure on myself because i know i can do more than i do and this work for money is firstly a point that is nessecary - i have to do this - and also a point of doing something practical like not only study and computerstuff - also the point of being in the system/other beings and accepting it - i see will help me with some points and general humbleness, practical walking -
Normally i would always judge the people that apply this separationbars on the checkout of the shop as being somewhat adapted to the system, on the day i signed the work-contract i applyed such a fucked up bar myself and smiled with it
In this whole process was interessting to see how i have change my whole perception of the shop and also the beings taht work their because "after all i work there soon" like looking at things i would normally run past completely blind or greeting the being talking to them its immedialty a different, a more personal contact relationship - and whats if facilitated by: MONEY
I mean we are only nice to each other because we know we will work together and to make this work because its improtant for us to have and get money - Also i have realized in this how my attention and perception is influenced by the simply fact that i will get money from this shop now, it was like suddenly this piece of the world/existence is my reponsebility i have the care for it/what is going on here - thus i give attention.
Obviously also the point that i have created the expectation to work there and in this connected this to an emotional experiance of it is important and because it will allow me to cancel the support of the parents

So, attention - i realize that i am still and again participate in and as a personality to get money - a money-personality

Change

Today a quite significant point opened up is basically THE POINT – The point of Change.

I have always conditioned change and created the believe that I need something or someone to change for or because of …what also ties in with this is the polarity of punishment and reward, so I would always only change myself if get some feedback from outside actually its not relevant if negative or positive – with punishment I would manipulate myself through fear and pain and with reward with desire and enjoyable experience … always moving in and as a system.

I reacted very strongly to my last Vlog with the “Porn and Free-Choice” because I realized with support of the Video-interview of Lilly/Lindsay “Facing Blankness in Speaking” that I have separated myself from myself and my experience with porn and sex in a vlog that I did prior to this and that came out with lots of blank-states and pauses where I looked quite desperately stupid into the camera and did not “know” what to say – actually I was generalizing and not speaking as myself I wanted to get around the fact that this was my experience and story – the topic did not “leave me alone” –lol- and so I had the Idea to simply speak about “Porn and Free-Choice” what in essence than was the opportunity to separate myself from my personal experience completely and speak like I am done with this and above of it …its interesting that in my words all was revealed and if one swap “you” against myself “me/myself” one gets the picture pretty well – Politics, Hypocrisy lack of self-acceptance and within this I would than also fuck myself with falling on masturbation … but actually this was also then the point of seeing and realizing what I have said and how this was a façade to hide behind. I actually was at the same point before with a topic of the Cove and the dolphin massacre where I also made a vlog and on the next day couldn’t stand my own hypocrisy/politic and attempt to manipulate and separate myself from the topic and my participation in it…and deleted it – but here is the POINT …

I deleted it because I found it to be manipulative in relation to others and that I would influence them in a fucked up way, with strong words or with the porn like make them feel guilty/bad but actually it was my self – I am my own JUDGE in this and actually it is me that gets the Punishment as suppression, to come back to the polarity that is applied in my mind-fuck or the reward as a energetic high and enjoyment when others would leave a comment or somebody “cares”

And here I became aware of the really interesting point as I realized that “Hey only 8 people have watched it, but I am thinking about that it is wrong/false to present this Ego-presentation that might possible now influence them and fuck up THEIR lives and make THEM feel guilty” – So I would define the responsibility for me to change my ways or the Ego to Self-honesty in THEM and THEY only exist in my mind as a Idea – I would change for others … but this others only exist within my mind as a projection for me to change for – So in a way I have separated myself from myself into an idea of an Audience that I can project my own expectations, judgements onto – Like thoughts of “When being xy now sees this they are surely disappointed or they would want you to change” Also there was a sentence of Bernard that “hit me” or resonated like “Desteni do not offer Change but Self-change with support … Why the fuck don’t you change? Do it now!!!!!”- - I suggest to myself to hear and work with the words of Bernard that “hit home/resonate”…it is most defiantly something vital, even if it takes a few days -– So all this expectations to CHANGE that I project is ME

I mean I created a system where I project my own expectation, Judgment onto separated Ideas/entities in my own mind to create a tension/friction to then apparently change and move but what I do is only to shape and condition and conform myself a little bit more/different to present a personality that fits “more” the picture/Idea that I have of what the audience would judge me for and expect of me as what is Self-honesty and a cool useful/supportive/enjoyable/likable contribution – yeah likeable because I want to somehow still lure in a female and have sex … no everybody should like ahhh love me…yeah and for that I want to change that’s a good REWARD –LOL- I am quite a fucker lol -  and what is this Idea based on: On the contribution of others and what I have seen as change …so I try to form myself through a mind-system into a concoction of all that what I have seen and valued in others as cool, meaningful and whatever …so, this will not happen!

I mean from a perspective this is probably a “normal” phase of the process because I am/we are mind-systems and function in and trough certain pictures, desires, projections etc. but when I realize and see that I have made it all up in my mind it was my own expectations and desires to change I have only placed the responsibility therefore in/on others – I have to realize that it is a point of self-worth and self-acceptance to take self-responsibility for myself to stand as that point of Self: Change and express myself as Change because after all

I AM MY STARTINGPOINT

I AM MY ORIGIN

I AM MY SOURCE

I AM the REASON to CHANGE

I AM the CAUSE for CHANGE

and the system of projecting my point/reason of change separate in and Idea/entity in my mind is founded in –generally speaking- the relationship-construct. How and why can I change for another? not at all…when “I change for you” I want something back the old slavery-game or “I will change for her/the relationship” …I have fucked myself with this for good, a few times -lol- therefore its so automatic/ingrained. When I accept myself as my own Starting-point and reason I can move as self beyond the polarity and systematic behaviour-control of punishment/reward as I direct in I see, realize and understand that moving or changing for anyone or anything separate from myself is self-deception and self-manipulation and not accepting myself as life as One as Equal – and this is not acceptable … it is simply a lie a believe in my mind

It is really astonishing how much shit …bullshit I have accepted and allowed myself to create and how much I participate in it just to not take self-responsibility – how it is really only possible in the mind because I am responsible all-ways. This point was floating around quite some time now in this process and actually my buddy brought the point of change some time ago and also with the starting of the DIP was this point present…Like now I am participating in the Course this will surly change me. It’s myself, IT HAS TO BE MYSELF!

    

Have a Look at:
Desteni Website
Equal Money System Website
EQAFE Store

Train on the track

A point opened just up with looking at me whole situation with studying and what I do - and in this the power of the program: DNA as what I do now is very mechanic stuff, and I resisted this whole life. What did/does my father work as? Mechanic... he repairs machines ...so I just don’t wanted to be like him that is a shitty job - I connected it to less than, anger and ... my father. The interesting point is that as I firstly started to study I studied mechanical stuff then wanted to escape - from at home, the system - fuck myself as my DNA and did this in an act of Anger, Resentment and blame against my father and in this manifested myself as a constant Ego-battle-fighting against myself as the System/Mechanic/DNA of my programmed self. So I learned to be a chemist than drifted again a time around in complete Ego-pretense and "Lostness" apparently somewhere outside and fucking higher than the system ... till I had an accident and broke my left knee so I started to study again, now something that I have apparently "chosen myself" - wow what the fuck - according to my liking, when I now see it was a childhood-dream that I followed and that was the trigger. In this time I also constantly dreamed of "trains and Stations" every night I was traveling on trains somewhere - I found that cool, wow I am moving when actually I was shifted around ... I also had this dreams of sliding and floating above the floor like on rollers-skates - above the ground ...My ALTER-EGO floating around in pretense fuck

All the Time I think I study this "environmental engineering" because I like animals and nature, ok when I am honest I have never known why I study this ...I was not passionate and giving myself into the stuff, even the things I was interested in ... I was always criticizing and judging all the points/subjects/persons because I was always fighting against myself in the attempt to get away from and prove that I am more/better/higher than my DNA -my program/father-matrix creating me as Über-Ego ---- fuck ----

SO, slowly i start to get a glimpse of what this resonances/symbols are...but this thought is also a attempt/statement to make me believe that I have somehow "control" a attempt to separate myself - Fact is that this program/my mind fucking drove me like a TRAIN ON THE TRACK to FACE myself as what i have resisted/judged and this is my consequence for not accepting and embracing myself "in time/back then"

AS THE MECHANIK/PREPROGRAMMED SELF THAT I AM and the Context I find myself in.

I cannot escape and get away from myself - and I cannot blame myself!

Looking back the rejection of and blame for the system has caused me to abuse myself extensively and lots of problems and i have to be aware to not blame and judge myself and/or give into shame and regret - Self-Victimization- it is for me to stand up, change in accepting me here where I am...in trying to separate myself from the context of my family in anger/fighting I was really only giving my/the power of self-direction and Self-responsibility away to the mind in/as ways that I cannot even see ...Wow...

Ego is like in "Dune" where he surfs the gigantic Sandworm - but without any control or clue what is really going on LoL not so cool and sovereign as depicted...lol Fuck quite extensive Brainwashing 

What tha Fuck, all this people moving/shifting/floating around on and along these invisible tracks in separation...shit...what does a train need to move: Energy. OK, i stop rambling on. Its quite strange to realize that i was all along actually just buzzing along some sub/unconsciousness paths - the cool thing is that i am still here!

Studying 1

Today i was experiancing quite a possession of blame towards studying and my professor and and the diplomwork in general to the extent where i sit at the computer and do my messurements and have constant Backchat and get actually really angry and i want to express spite/backchat towards other beings.
I am resisting self-responsibility, its this point that i have blamed others or put others in the position to be the reason why i do something - and with made everything a obligation and basically a fight i mean its really stupid and i "feel" stupid, which is another hiding-point i am not stupid, i can not even say that i do not know waht is up.

i experiance myslef like i live out my relationship with my father again and that has to stop - i have to stop i want to resist writing and i have not written this out


i forgive myslef taht i have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that i live out my relationship with my father againd i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing and self-forgiveness in relation to this to continue with my limitation  and blame

My first impression with meeting the prof was that he had a black mercedes and a suit on so money and status, i was kind of lost or late on this day i still know that on this day in the mornings i drawn the osho card ego and also cried in the mornings or the day before and that the females that were also present kind of cared for me in phoneing to see if i can go with someone in the car,  what was very out of the norm i was kind of open on this day. so after all i went with him and in the car and we talked so he asked what i want to do and i said that i dont know because the system is fucked and i want to do something responsible and that the thing that i know is that i am responsible for my actions and for what comes from it so i dont want ot go in the system because it is fucked and he asked if i want to say that one can not be responsible (good/bad) or that it is basicaly shit and i realized that the point is not sustainable and that this is not the case. than i went on with saying that i don´t want to make career and he said something of his life. I percieved it as he has been offended and took this personally - and the interessting point is that i could already have been so. Actually before getting into the car i dont wanted to drive with him inferiority/judgemet-mercedes-career-Professor/superiority so my Ego-application was rather "against the system/the system and its representants are evil and bad" SO baically i wanted to attack him on some level or have done it with this subconscious judgement of Career and my "negative" value-charge on the word - So here the fighting started (with this being and a certain persp) already

Perfectionism vs. Self-Perfection

At the moment I am painting a wall that is not quite in the best condition...a water-spill from a broken pipe in it, so all the old paint is coming down in large pieces -lol- revealing lots of black patches of nasty looking fungus-colonies ... after scratching off the old paint I go over it with new one which causes the old to brake down further.

It sticks to the painting roll and eventually ends up on the wall again - HHHRRRGGG

My experience towards this was than to go into a state of  "Urghh this is all bullshit, it can not be sufficiently fixed" with emotion of frustration and resentment which was based on the idea and knowledge of "how it should be sufficiently fixed" and here is the interesting point: 

To sufficiently fix it, to get all the fungus out - I would have to destroy the wall and build it anew and then paint it than I would have a "perfect" wall - which is obviously not possible considering the context of myself and my environment, so this Idea of Perfection I will not be able to fulfil

Often I have used such points than as justifications to give up on something - oh yeah "if I can not have my idea than it has no SENSE at all" I sense my idea I give sense to my idea... I see sense in an Idea of me, I give sense to an Idea of me because I believe that I will profit from this idea Energy/Sex/Money - including myself...foremost myself ...So perfectionism is wanting to make real a idea of myself to profit through the ultimate perfect experience Energy/Money/Sex/Status/Recognition whatever and in this is the ultimate disappointment-point LOL disappointment-point to then give up completely – Self-sabotage!

So i will not be able to tear down this wall - and it would also not be practical with the winter around the corner - what I can do is to stop my experience of a constant nagging feeling of imperfection towards the situation and context I am living in common-sense -instead of MY sense for my IDEA- and thus bring the wall in an state that it poses no health-risk and than go on perfecting another part of my-self as my floor, that needs also physical care, in mopping it.  

Exam-Eperiance

Coming out of a exam and it has worked quite well, i asume. So beforehand i faced some minor fears and according to my pattern of past participation, also preprogammed in the last days/yesterday through thoughs as "Before the exam i will read this info to have it all complete or at least read about it once", i wanted to read the said info. Again this make-believe point as what i did was:

I had 2,5 hours in the morning and could have read it then, but acctually i am aware that i will do "ok-well" in the exam. I went in the uni about 1,25 hours prior the appointment and actually was aware that i have it at 11:00 but "i am not quite sure/what if i miss" so i want to be in Uni before the appointment of the group before me
- Which is bullshit: If i know that i have at ceartain time or place or whatever to do something that i am certain - or i am not certain. SO a point for me to really consider is the actual practical points/cornerstones of a event and make certain that my information on this points is correct, i have done this and am certain, yet i do not trust myself and want to be even more certain...its like with the mind, desires or addictions where i go into the cenarios again just to prove again and be more cerain that it is bullshit ...so it is definately a self manipulation and sabotage -

I go to the uni and think that than i will "use the waiting time to read this info". When i arrive i first go to the PC and check my email and simply sit there reading a blog and looking at the link a destonian posted about "China would defend Iran in world war 3"
-Which brings me back to what is here and i think shit i was fast asleep...really this stuff is no joke...they are death-serious with this ...This is hard to comprehend in my fairytale-mindset...they are actually talking about considering to do all the Bullshit again - and again - and again -and again -

so i do stuff at the computer till half an hour before the exam and than i go to meet before the room with the other beings, that will be examined parallel -its a group exam in spoken word-, and am actually aware that "here i was before", now they will be very excited and nervously talking as always before this exams ". I just want to read this info" and sit me on an other table, i mean its their way of coping with the situation ...to express the fear masked as talking/laughting, mine is to hide it and pretend to read and learn...lol

One of the beings speaks to me and ask me and i go over to sit with them - asking myself if this is good because i fear that they will also make me nervous and "I want to read this info" and i actually do so - needless to say completely ineffective ... i could remember about 3-4 words/points - interessting also that i don´t want to talk to them as they talk about the exam projections  "What can be asked/What have the others been asked/What about this and that etc." and a point in this is that if they bring up points/pharses/topics that i do not know so specific/detailed or at all i fear --My make-believe knowledge is destroyed or has "week-points" --

Its interessting because the other beings like try to fill their gaps and get rid of the fear/uncertainty through communication with each other, one said "maybe u can help me by answering my question if i do not know"
and through expressions make them selves believe that "it will be ok" - I try to make myself believe that i I know everything relevant by pretending to learn in the last moment

Obviously this "learning" today, or rather the thought "That i should/will read this also", had no effect on my actual understanding of the topic or even the outcome of exam, maybe, and was a waste of time or energy - as i used the energy to create a mindpossesion of personality that has its roots in the BELIEVE that:

I just have to be certain in my make-believe than they will buy the lie

The point beyond it is that i want to be able to just speak and communicate with a being in the moment as what and who i am and the other is - looking at a problem or point and investigate it ... This is cool and valid but again in our current system it is not so and also i have to be honest with myself in seeing that i can only communicate and speak with someone about a topic - which is i appling to the examsituation - if i have properly investigated it beforehand and not just learned by heart...and i simply have to be realistic with the points in my reality and see what they represent and accept this for the moment in practicality.

In the exam itself i had kind of a fear because it was about the topic of Coporate Social Responiblity (in Environmental-Management)  and i wrote the work half a year back and was presenting quite a account of  system-critic and basicly discarding this whole construct as useless (lots of underlying anger, i read the hitler-writings back than...lol")  "as long as the econonomic and monetary system stays the way it is" - interessting as back then i have already created this fear from a dishonesty as thoughts of "Maybe i have an influence on the Prof" and "What will he think, i basically attack him as a Manager in the current system" ... so a interessting point as today i experiance of "slowing down" in the being examed by this being and basically speaking from my reseach on the topic. I percieved it as a "conflict of sorts", jet when i look closer "I have only believed and defined that our perspectives and points are different" and also interpreted it than this way - I mean he has a different position in the system but that does not mean that he or his perspective is good/bad, even the "perspective" is/was my "interpretation of his perspective" according to my judgements ...lol so basically it was a point of facing my own judgement make-believe.

With the other being was also a interesting situation: I brought up topic that lay way back where i feeled quite inferior and we where visiting a factory. He than asked further on the topic and i had to go back to find the memory and what i realized is that the same energy was triggered and i was participating in inferiority like really snapping into the past (also here the point of gernerally judging/rejecting/not trusting/spiting Teachers/Professors or such and in this actually validting their existence in my mind)- Ok, interesting as i have created/brought up this topic myself i basically did this to face this point of memory...yet not aware so my mind tryes to control me through memory...why...to go into infeariority into fear...fuck u mind u are an asshole!

After the exam i had this experiance of now i can rest and i let myself do so by watching a few vlogs and reading a blog ... but also this experiance was self-created through thinking "I really would want to watch a film after the exam - i have deserved it"

Manifested Self-Slavery as re-warding me for "working hard" for the system=EGO as the "hard work" was all make-believe ...OK, lol - fuck