Monday, December 26, 2011


.Ok, wiriting out the last few days. I am sitting in the saloon in the house of my parents and have some coffe and sesambars with me. About 3 weeks or so ago i realized that fuck i am realy basically completly dependent on the parents and than decided to apply for a job to get some money and with this stop the support of my parents and rather live of some money that i have accumulated for the next few months. First i was like hesitant and "will this work out" "uhh, i can still get all the good money so i can save it" but bascially i became aware of what that fuck the fucked up backchat consist of: Within me and also within the parents - i mean i did not want to see it so clear and basically made some half-hearted attempts to get a job, but i was in this fucking enslaved to the parents throught the money and this religious shit fucks me really like for them its like a validation that  god exists and their prayer work because i "seem to be on the right track" now - and i have accepted and allowed to play this role within this to get the money like pretended to be who i am not, presented Personality in fear of survival, it is quite fucked up i had often this thoughts and self-judgements before like i am their parasite, i am sucking their money of and actually i have been - i am part of their Ego - and they are part of my Ego

So what egomanifestation and bullshit-support for the mind i have actually allowed with relaing on their support for so long - me as the begger/slave/inferior them as the master/superior and then also the backchat in the oppsite direction- is quite fucked up an eventually was the point - after looking selfhonestly - also a comment on youtube to a vlog that i realized that i have to stand on my own feet.

Taking action and walking the point of getting the job was then a liberating and cool experiance as this was actually the first time that i would direct myself to do get a job from the startin-point of the realization of self-responsebility so i realized its for me as and i want to work for me to stand as myself on my own two feet. Also there is the point that i in this so to speak put some pressure on myself because i know i can do more than i do and this work for money is firstly a point that is nessecary - i have to do this - and also a point of doing something practical like not only study and computerstuff - also the point of being in the system/other beings and accepting it - i see will help me with some points and general humbleness, practical walking -
Normally i would always judge the people that apply this separationbars on the checkout of the shop as being somewhat adapted to the system, on the day i signed the work-contract i applyed such a fucked up bar myself and smiled with it
In this whole process was interessting to see how i have change my whole perception of the shop and also the beings taht work their because "after all i work there soon" like looking at things i would normally run past completely blind or greeting the being talking to them its immedialty a different, a more personal contact relationship - and whats if facilitated by: MONEY
I mean we are only nice to each other because we know we will work together and to make this work because its improtant for us to have and get money - Also i have realized in this how my attention and perception is influenced by the simply fact that i will get money from this shop now, it was like suddenly this piece of the world/existence is my reponsebility i have the care for it/what is going on here - thus i give attention.
Obviously also the point that i have created the expectation to work there and in this connected this to an emotional experiance of it is important and because it will allow me to cancel the support of the parents

So, attention - i realize that i am still and again participate in and as a personality to get money - a money-personality

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