Train on the track

A point opened just up with looking at me whole situation with studying and what I do - and in this the power of the program: DNA as what I do now is very mechanic stuff, and I resisted this whole life. What did/does my father work as? Mechanic... he repairs machines ...so I just don’t wanted to be like him that is a shitty job - I connected it to less than, anger and ... my father. The interesting point is that as I firstly started to study I studied mechanical stuff then wanted to escape - from at home, the system - fuck myself as my DNA and did this in an act of Anger, Resentment and blame against my father and in this manifested myself as a constant Ego-battle-fighting against myself as the System/Mechanic/DNA of my programmed self. So I learned to be a chemist than drifted again a time around in complete Ego-pretense and "Lostness" apparently somewhere outside and fucking higher than the system ... till I had an accident and broke my left knee so I started to study again, now something that I have apparently "chosen myself" - wow what the fuck - according to my liking, when I now see it was a childhood-dream that I followed and that was the trigger. In this time I also constantly dreamed of "trains and Stations" every night I was traveling on trains somewhere - I found that cool, wow I am moving when actually I was shifted around ... I also had this dreams of sliding and floating above the floor like on rollers-skates - above the ground ...My ALTER-EGO floating around in pretense fuck

All the Time I think I study this "environmental engineering" because I like animals and nature, ok when I am honest I have never known why I study this ...I was not passionate and giving myself into the stuff, even the things I was interested in ... I was always criticizing and judging all the points/subjects/persons because I was always fighting against myself in the attempt to get away from and prove that I am more/better/higher than my DNA -my program/father-matrix creating me as Über-Ego ---- fuck ----

SO, slowly i start to get a glimpse of what this resonances/symbols are...but this thought is also a attempt/statement to make me believe that I have somehow "control" a attempt to separate myself - Fact is that this program/my mind fucking drove me like a TRAIN ON THE TRACK to FACE myself as what i have resisted/judged and this is my consequence for not accepting and embracing myself "in time/back then"

AS THE MECHANIK/PREPROGRAMMED SELF THAT I AM and the Context I find myself in.

I cannot escape and get away from myself - and I cannot blame myself!

Looking back the rejection of and blame for the system has caused me to abuse myself extensively and lots of problems and i have to be aware to not blame and judge myself and/or give into shame and regret - Self-Victimization- it is for me to stand up, change in accepting me here where I am...in trying to separate myself from the context of my family in anger/fighting I was really only giving my/the power of self-direction and Self-responsibility away to the mind in/as ways that I cannot even see ...Wow...

Ego is like in "Dune" where he surfs the gigantic Sandworm - but without any control or clue what is really going on LoL not so cool and sovereign as depicted...lol Fuck quite extensive Brainwashing 

What tha Fuck, all this people moving/shifting/floating around on and along these invisible tracks in separation...shit...what does a train need to move: Energy. OK, i stop rambling on. Its quite strange to realize that i was all along actually just buzzing along some sub/unconsciousness paths - the cool thing is that i am still here!