Wednesday, December 14, 2011

Perfectionism vs. Self-Perfection

At the moment I am painting a wall that is not quite in the best condition...a water-spill from a broken pipe in it, so all the old paint is coming down in large pieces -lol- revealing lots of black patches of nasty looking fungus-colonies ... after scratching off the old paint I go over it with new one which causes the old to brake down further.

It sticks to the painting roll and eventually ends up on the wall again - HHHRRRGGG

My experience towards this was than to go into a state of  "Urghh this is all bullshit, it can not be sufficiently fixed" with emotion of frustration and resentment which was based on the idea and knowledge of "how it should be sufficiently fixed" and here is the interesting point: 

To sufficiently fix it, to get all the fungus out - I would have to destroy the wall and build it anew and then paint it than I would have a "perfect" wall - which is obviously not possible considering the context of myself and my environment, so this Idea of Perfection I will not be able to fulfil

Often I have used such points than as justifications to give up on something - oh yeah "if I can not have my idea than it has no SENSE at all" I sense my idea I give sense to my idea... I see sense in an Idea of me, I give sense to an Idea of me because I believe that I will profit from this idea Energy/Sex/Money - including myself...foremost myself ...So perfectionism is wanting to make real a idea of myself to profit through the ultimate perfect experience Energy/Money/Sex/Status/Recognition whatever and in this is the ultimate disappointment-point LOL disappointment-point to then give up completely – Self-sabotage!

So i will not be able to tear down this wall - and it would also not be practical with the winter around the corner - what I can do is to stop my experience of a constant nagging feeling of imperfection towards the situation and context I am living in common-sense -instead of MY sense for my IDEA- and thus bring the wall in an state that it poses no health-risk and than go on perfecting another part of my-self as my floor, that needs also physical care, in mopping it.  

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