Saturday, December 31, 2011


Here now the point of New Years Eve - Silvester... I had a animal, a cuddly toy that i named silvester actually it was named silvester - Silvester the cat - with the small yellow bird Tweety... However, my first... shit, as a child i always "loved" silvester the newyearseve and the cuddly-toy - it was my favourite! lol

It was a very exciting time of the year shortly after christmas and no school for 2 weeks or something. Most of the time i have gotten some cool things for christmas and i am still busy playing with one or another piece, so i can stay at home and play. In the days before i went somewhere to buy fireworks and i was allowed to search and pic some. Throughout the whole day you could already hear scattered crackers being fired and this furthered the tension in me - because it was constantly there but still in the background. In the evening we would most of the time visit a aunt and have a party with Fondue and/or Raclette and basically a majority of the family. So here the adults was drinking and ocasionally one of them would go out with us youngsters to fire a cracker - to feel like a young boy himself.

The fireworks was the most intersting Point and actually its really interesting how much this resembles an Orgasm. Its an orgasmic experiance -lol- that leaves a sulfuric smelling air behind - didn´t they have this in HELL lots of fire and stinky sulfuric AIR - a E-motion-HELL - A HELL created from moving ENERGY-Combustion

However i found the fireworks extremly cool and was then allowed to light some of it - under oversight of my parents more specifically my mother would rather stay in distance and i would only hear "Be aware andi, its dangerous" -lol- my father had also a böller - a salute canon - that was fucking loud and litterally the hair would stand up when it was fired and you stand close to it. I was also allowed to shoot the thing - and how can one describe it? - quite an impression a shockwave that resonates through the whole being as a dull pound, and actually i was fucking scared and petrified - and after that: PRIDE

In the teenjears then "we" found ways to the get ourselves firecracker and other equipment so "we" where not dependent on the "goodwill" of the parents to give us the stuff and also this was then a time of handicraft work because "we" soon realized that we can make "bigger bangs" than what was sold in the shops. In "we" i refer to a few friends and one in particular and we would get very creative in designing such stuff. The first design i can remember was a small "rocket" made of aluminiumfoil and matches...where did i learn this? The TV.

Ok so this was a very busy time for us und we had "a lot of fun" with "10cent-bombs" ( a ten-Pfennig-piece wrapped with loaded paperrolles for toyguns) that you can throw on the bottom and they explode. We made it a game and a ritual to in the mornigs at the train station throw such a thing and than run away. It made quite a noise and I enjoyed it quite a bit to affraight and shock myself and the other beings on the station - I still find it funny as i have this picture of a man going there with his briefcase, slumbering along not thinking any bad ... and than BAMM ... he is awake. Ok its propably not funny, i enjoyed such pranks.

We also played this "games" where we would go somewhere in the wood or the a gravel pit chasing each other and trowing the firecracker at each other, also blowing up specific things like bottles or cans. So, basically we played and prepared for war - like small kittens do only learn to fight and not make it serious yet ok, not quite... quite a belittlement of the situation - and from this perspective it is obviously pretty fucked up...we actually accepted and allowed this whole war-game design within us and feed it with actual energy as emotions and feelings - because the shock when such a cracker explodes near by is a real phyiscal effect and also the thoughts ... i mean "I want to get you - I will blow you up - You cant hide, i will destroy you" - its quite fucked up its like "Level 1-Trainingscamp" for the future Soldiers ... and I enjoyed the rushes, adrenaline and exitement - fighting.
Interessting, as there comes up quite alot of such behavior where we/i created this adrenalin-rushes and "fright and flight" states delibeatly that was actually a whole phase in my life of "doorbellringing" "jumping of somewhere" "going where you are not allowed" "blowing up stuff" ... what can we do ... a lets this prank, jump of there etc. searching for energy - first one creates a fear (i do not believe that you have the heart to do so) than you do have the intense fear and you go and do it and than you have your Ego-satisfaction and that was - interesstingly - based on thoughts like "We/I have fucked with them / We/I have shown him/her/them" = SPITE        
Also it gave me some confidence and "trust" in manipulating the system and other humans because at a age of 12-15 we easily could purchase firecrackers that was allowed for adults >18 only and we could fing a shop that was also selling us actual explosives, which is quite interessting because it gives me as i see now the validation for the self-righteousness and demonic ego-possession i created in relation to my parents from a memory where i have stolen my father gunpowder and than separated myself into "- "so, they have judged me back then and now i can get/buy this stuff here in a shop" and this jusified also the behavior of hiding myself and not facing consequence - because here i/we have found someone who "dont give a fuck"

Wow - we/i discovered the "Black-market" and that there is allways someone to sell you what you want - you just need the "right CONNECTION"

SO to come back to the point - my experiance with New-Years-Eve changed when my primary point of  energy-generation changed to a actual relationship with a female and also here alcohol and partying, going out etc. appears on my screen. Silvester we would spent at some friends houses and drinking massive amounts of alcohol often with people/beings that was major oponents/rivales from my perspective in the "fight for my relationship/partner/girl" and i experianced myself as very inferior and this partys became for me mostly a point to get drunk enough to loosen up and  pose as Ego - i mean we were playing this relationship-games "Yeah i like your boyfriend, he is sweet or The nicest ass has this girlfriend, but this one has the biggest tits, we have done this sexually etc." And than i would be proud and tease my partner make her jealous "So, she really said she would fuck with me, i would like that maybe i should try that..." so that she would "struggle" for me and get in gear to have sex with me - this is interessting because this perspective i have not allowed myself to see that i have also made her struggle for me equally ...i was quite convinced that she has done this to me Ok ... - so this was quite a dishonest and irresponsible Charade of comparison/jealousy/judgement/FEAR - real bullshit the whole time on high voltage but suppressed and transformed with alcohol into a "party" and on 5 min before 12 we would go out and light the fireworks and run around and greet the random other beings "happy new year, prost,prost das de gurgl net verrost" and than for exmple jumping into the bushes of the neighbor one after another, like totally possessed - which would than also create problems for the girl we where partying parents around" - yes fuck this was my first silvester with Girlfriend, alcohol, no adult-police with "not realy but still kind of innocent" 16years BIG FUCKUP... emotionHell.

The point of creating fireworks ourselves stayed as a ego-point and tradition but this partying and meetings on silvester i could not really enjoy and accumulated more spite for this point also in relation to much uncooler the relationship was going and a few years later i had a new years eve where i would only stay at home completly allone drinking champange and smoking pot and there also my spite and superiority in relation to the beings that participate in this bullshit became quite extensive and i was losing the interest in this at all - interesting that here also them major point of energy-relationship had changed ... now i was smoking ganja. There was a phonecall on this evening i was phoning with the Ex and i sayed no i will not come with you in to the city and in this i kind of wanted to prove that i do not any longer allow myself to be abused by her and played with - i feeled quite superior to her she is now participating in this party-bullshit, she has no clue. I wanted to show her that i don´t need her anymore - FUCK UP i am over you - I mean my actual feelings i could not even suppress on that day and underlying was a lonelyness, helplessness inferiority and still the point that i wanted ther back. I made from a IGIVEUP A UFUCKUP - but only for myself. Its kind of hard to remember what have paritcipated in it gives me quite a"block in the solar plexus" ... I have connect the day and the "event" to a Point of "FUCK IT" but again i said this only to myslef "Fuck off on silvester" and the following years will reflect this nicely.

It interessting, i have actually since week or so the whole time since christmas also the perception that my mind is much more active ... i feel depressed and also like these days and all the abuse is imprinted as i have some thoughts of "maybe i should simply fucking get drunken and pull down some fucking liquer" also christmas i mean i was always drunken or druged for the last 10-12 years -lol- that´s actually quite cool that it is not so this time ! ! !

OK, the last four Newyearseven were quite the same: Get fucking drunk, eat with mostly the same friends Raclette, talk a familiy - a fucked up family - take some E and have the fucking energetic combustion going inside=outside; Basically i did this whole thing always only half-hearted completely dull.
Like, I have to do something and i dont know what to do either = real ZOMBIE-HOOd to wake up somewhere in the mornings - still fucked up and half drunk to grab the next/remaining beer or wahtever to start the day ....bbrrrr

Its fascinating that last year i have created a small bullshit-revival of the original jealousy-fuckit-bullshit:
There was this girl/female that i have accepted and allowed a sexual desire for some time and on the day we meet we flirt a little and i have a phantasie/imagination about doing sexual stuff with her while staying over night at my friend. Next day she comes and visits us again and we get drunk and "have fun" and at some point she asks if i come with her to her place - and here comes also up my bullshit backchat and sexual insecurity...i had already stopped to drink, smoke(ganja) and drugs and now with her i participated in all of that and also with the backchat to get sex but justifing it because she does it ...its because of her...i am the fucked up innocent victim LOL-FUCK that is getting intoxitated by the evil female actually the desire was the whole time in the Back- and we get drunk, smoke and talk and on some point go to bed and sleep.
I mean i found this actually quite enjoyable to sleep and wake up with an other being but the desire was still there somewhere and not honestly talked about and so we repeated this the next day and i stayed with her again but still was like "there should happen something" so no unconditional.

On the silvester than we did the usual drunkdrugritalfood and it was than kind of late about 05:00 and actually wanted her to stay with me again but than an other male phoned and she decided to stay with him - drive over to him and i actually said to her... yeah go you should go and in this simply was not honest - naja i guess it was also to see for me how the hidden secret desires fuck with me - i have acctually not seen this before and in sommer allowed to manifest a whole fucking timeloop to see that i still want to fuck her and allow self-compromise and abuse in this desire.

SO this was the past and this stayes the past - the old ritual to let go of the old jear and make New Years Resolutions i will also let go off because my commitment is to stand up when i fall and align myself as LIFE in the principle of what is best for all everyday A NEW

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