Thursday, December 15, 2011

Studying 1

Today i was experiancing quite a possession of blame towards studying and my professor and and the diplomwork in general to the extent where i sit at the computer and do my messurements and have constant Backchat and get actually really angry and i want to express spite/backchat towards other beings.
I am resisting self-responsibility, its this point that i have blamed others or put others in the position to be the reason why i do something - and with made everything a obligation and basically a fight i mean its really stupid and i "feel" stupid, which is another hiding-point i am not stupid, i can not even say that i do not know waht is up.

i experiance myslef like i live out my relationship with my father again and that has to stop - i have to stop i want to resist writing and i have not written this out

i forgive myslef taht i have accepted and allowed myself to think and believe that i live out my relationship with my father againd i forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to resist writing and self-forgiveness in relation to this to continue with my limitation  and blame

My first impression with meeting the prof was that he had a black mercedes and a suit on so money and status, i was kind of lost or late on this day i still know that on this day in the mornings i drawn the osho card ego and also cried in the mornings or the day before and that the females that were also present kind of cared for me in phoneing to see if i can go with someone in the car,  what was very out of the norm i was kind of open on this day. so after all i went with him and in the car and we talked so he asked what i want to do and i said that i dont know because the system is fucked and i want to do something responsible and that the thing that i know is that i am responsible for my actions and for what comes from it so i dont want ot go in the system because it is fucked and he asked if i want to say that one can not be responsible (good/bad) or that it is basicaly shit and i realized that the point is not sustainable and that this is not the case. than i went on with saying that i don´t want to make career and he said something of his life. I percieved it as he has been offended and took this personally - and the interessting point is that i could already have been so. Actually before getting into the car i dont wanted to drive with him inferiority/judgemet-mercedes-career-Professor/superiority so my Ego-application was rather "against the system/the system and its representants are evil and bad" SO baically i wanted to attack him on some level or have done it with this subconscious judgement of Career and my "negative" value-charge on the word - So here the fighting started (with this being and a certain persp) already

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