Saturday, December 31, 2011

Justification is HELL

The last week or something i have spent in quite a possession of super-i-ority and Ego a personality of fighting that manifested while visiting my parents over christmas and was partly also based on my lacking self-infestigation of my own history christmans. Here i fucked myself in simply building a perception of myself as what i know is or would be the right thing - it´s a day as every other day / i will not participate in it - and than projected this held on and protected this idea, the changed picture of me, with fighting. The starting-point for this however i can find in the was the realization/facing of the dependency on the relationship to and monetary support from my parents, that created inferiority in me, or more specific the perception of freedom when i get/have the job - I do not have to submit to present a "good son"/I can say/be/do what i want now i am not inferior anymore. Which carries allready the seed of revenge and superiority.

So what i have done than was to base acceptence and allowence of fighting on the event of christmas and instead of really looking at what would come up of feelings and emotions i supressed and seperated myself. The Point here is that i lived exactly the same pattern, because i have defined christmas as fucked and a hypocricy over the years before also...actually i could after the inital profit-phase as a child never like it and "Once a jear we are nice, the rest we keep silent and supressed" so i used this/or a gave my Ego/Mind a real artwork of point to take revenge - in the end again on myself - because i have not written about it beforehand and the point came up, several times, write about christmas write about it ...prepare yourself, and here the point of super-i-ority above myself, my mind/the past comes in ... no i have realized this, it is common sense that christmas is bullshit and I/EGO can stand as this. Dishonesty with myself as the mind and how and what i have created myself in this situations through Memory...would i have looked at/written it most definatily i would have realized that i just reiterated the same pattern/statement with a more advanced justification.

Basically all the Ego-possessions have a tigger-point somewhere in the past - They must because the Ego is energetic past patterns and so when i find any, a single definition of the past that i justify i kick in the mind. JUSTIFICATION makes the Life HELL - and in this is i still a process for me to see and realize what justification really is - Because basically if i find and reason to validate my experiance it is justification. I make up a story of points in time that are only perceptions or ideas, judgements about myself that may or my not be correct and i can place and arrange them as i want = only personality building - bringing oneself through/across somehow ... across is cool because it is really a "cross" to justify onself - i crucify myself as life in the moment to emerge as a personality that i want to bring as a-cross ... a sacrifice - I justify myself to be validated to be accepted to be let some cool points came up within the visit.

Be let in as the actual be let in, because when i had smoked or stayed out late i had to justifiy this when coming home and to get beyond the "human-checkpoint" of the parent where one is rewiewd:

Where have you been its late. I want to HEAR no/a good exuse?

What do you LOOK like?

What is this SMELL?

Here i learned to tell stories and justify myself also because i exactly knew (PERCEPTION) what the Checkpoint whats to hear to let me pass without further investigation - basically i lied or told half-truth often because i had done something from which i percived/believed-knewfrompast that it will not be cool/accepted and approved by the parents.

However this is not the point of what i wanted to write as NEWYEARSEVE

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