The last week or something i have spent in quite a possession of super-i-ority and Ego a personality of fighting that manifested while visiting my parents over christmas and was partly also based on my lacking self-infestigation of my own history christmans. Here i fucked myself in simply building a perception of myself as what i know is or would be the right thing - it´s a day as every other day / i will not participate in it - and than projected this held on and protected this idea, the changed picture of me, with fighting. The starting-point for this however i can find in the was the realization/facing of the dependency on the relationship to and monetary support from my parents, that created inferiority in me, or more specific the perception of freedom when i get/have the job - I do not have to submit to present a "good son"/I can say/be/do what i want now i am not inferior anymore. Which carries allready the seed of revenge and superiority.
So what i have done than was to base acceptence and allowence of fighting on the event of christmas and instead of really looking at what would come up of feelings and emotions i supressed and seperated myself. The Point here is that i lived exactly the same pattern, because i have defined christmas as fucked and a hypocricy over the years before also...actually i could after the inital profit-phase as a child never like it and "Once a jear we are nice, the rest we keep silent and supressed" so i used this/or a gave my Ego/Mind a real artwork of point to take revenge - in the end again on myself - because i have not written about it beforehand and the point came up, several times, write about christmas write about it ...prepare yourself, and here the point of super-i-ority above myself, my mind/the past comes in ... no i have realized this, it is common sense that christmas is bullshit and I/EGO can stand as this. Dishonesty with myself as the mind and how and what i have created myself in this situations through Memory...would i have looked at/written it most definatily i would have realized that i just reiterated the same pattern/statement with a more advanced justification.
Basically all the Ego-possessions have a tigger-point somewhere in the past - They must because the Ego is energetic past patterns and so when i find any, a single definition of the past that i justify i kick in the mind. JUSTIFICATION makes the Life HELL - and in this is i still a process for me to see and realize what justification really is - Because basically if i find and reason to validate my experiance it is justification. I make up a story of points in time that are only perceptions or ideas, judgements about myself that may or my not be correct and i can place and arrange them as i want = only personality building - bringing oneself through/across somehow ... across is cool because it is really a "cross" to justify onself - i crucify myself as life in the moment to emerge as a personality that i want to bring as a-cross ... a sacrifice - I justify myself to be validated to be accepted to be let in...lol some cool points came up within the visit.
Be let in as the actual be let in, because when i had smoked or stayed out late i had to justifiy this when coming home and to get beyond the "human-checkpoint" of the parent where one is rewiewd:
Where have you been its late. I want to HEAR no/a good exuse?
What do you LOOK like?
What is this SMELL?
Here i learned to tell stories and justify myself also because i exactly knew (PERCEPTION) what the Checkpoint whats to hear to let me pass without further investigation - basically i lied or told half-truth often because i had done something from which i percived/believed-knewfrompast that it will not be cool/accepted and approved by the parents.
However this is not the point of what i wanted to write as NEWYEARSEVE
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