Today a quite significant point opened up is basically THE POINT – The point of Change.
I have always conditioned change and created the believe that I need something or someone to change for or because of …what also ties in with this is the polarity of punishment and reward, so I would always only change myself if get some feedback from outside actually its not relevant if negative or positive – with punishment I would manipulate myself through fear and pain and with reward with desire and enjoyable experience … always moving in and as a system.
I reacted very strongly to my last Vlog with the “Porn and Free-Choice” because I realized with support of the Video-interview of Lilly/Lindsay “Facing Blankness in Speaking” that I have separated myself from myself and my experience with porn and sex in a vlog that I did prior to this and that came out with lots of blank-states and pauses where I looked quite desperately stupid into the camera and did not “know” what to say – actually I was generalizing and not speaking as myself I wanted to get around the fact that this was my experience and story – the topic did not “leave me alone” –lol- and so I had the Idea to simply speak about “Porn and Free-Choice” what in essence than was the opportunity to separate myself from my personal experience completely and speak like I am done with this and above of it …its interesting that in my words all was revealed and if one swap “you” against myself “me/myself” one gets the picture pretty well – Politics, Hypocrisy lack of self-acceptance and within this I would than also fuck myself with falling on masturbation … but actually this was also then the point of seeing and realizing what I have said and how this was a façade to hide behind. I actually was at the same point before with a topic of the Cove and the dolphin massacre where I also made a vlog and on the next day couldn’t stand my own hypocrisy/politic and attempt to manipulate and separate myself from the topic and my participation in it…and deleted it – but here is the POINT …
I deleted it because I found it to be manipulative in relation to others and that I would influence them in a fucked up way, with strong words or with the porn like make them feel guilty/bad but actually it was my self – I am my own JUDGE in this and actually it is me that gets the Punishment as suppression, to come back to the polarity that is applied in my mind-fuck or the reward as a energetic high and enjoyment when others would leave a comment or somebody “cares”
And here I became aware of the really interesting point as I realized that “Hey only 8 people have watched it, but I am thinking about that it is wrong/false to present this Ego-presentation that might possible now influence them and fuck up THEIR lives and make THEM feel guilty” – So I would define the responsibility for me to change my ways or the Ego to Self-honesty in THEM and THEY only exist in my mind as a Idea – I would change for others … but this others only exist within my mind as a projection for me to change for – So in a way I have separated myself from myself into an idea of an Audience that I can project my own expectations, judgements onto – Like thoughts of “When being xy now sees this they are surely disappointed or they would want you to change” Also there was a sentence of Bernard that “hit me” or resonated like “Desteni do not offer Change but Self-change with support … Why the fuck don’t you change? Do it now!!!!!”- - I suggest to myself to hear and work with the words of Bernard that “hit home/resonate”…it is most defiantly something vital, even if it takes a few days -– So all this expectations to CHANGE that I project is ME
I mean I created a system where I project my own expectation, Judgment onto separated Ideas/entities in my own mind to create a tension/friction to then apparently change and move but what I do is only to shape and condition and conform myself a little bit more/different to present a personality that fits “more” the picture/Idea that I have of what the audience would judge me for and expect of me as what is Self-honesty and a cool useful/supportive/enjoyable/likable contribution – yeah likeable because I want to somehow still lure in a female and have sex … no everybody should like ahhh love me…yeah and for that I want to change that’s a good REWARD –LOL- I am quite a fucker lol - and what is this Idea based on: On the contribution of others and what I have seen as change …so I try to form myself through a mind-system into a concoction of all that what I have seen and valued in others as cool, meaningful and whatever …so, this will not happen!
I mean from a perspective this is probably a “normal” phase of the process because I am/we are mind-systems and function in and trough certain pictures, desires, projections etc. but when I realize and see that I have made it all up in my mind it was my own expectations and desires to change I have only placed the responsibility therefore in/on others – I have to realize that it is a point of self-worth and self-acceptance to take self-responsibility for myself to stand as that point of Self: Change and express myself as Change because after all
I AM MY STARTINGPOINT
I AM MY ORIGIN
I AM MY SOURCE
I AM the REASON to CHANGE
I AM the CAUSE for CHANGE
and the system of projecting my point/reason of change separate in and Idea/entity in my mind is founded in –generally speaking- the relationship-construct. How and why can I change for another? not at all…when “I change for you” I want something back the old slavery-game or “I will change for her/the relationship” …I have fucked myself with this for good, a few times -lol- therefore its so automatic/ingrained. When I accept myself as my own Starting-point and reason I can move as self beyond the polarity and systematic behaviour-control of punishment/reward as I direct in I see, realize and understand that moving or changing for anyone or anything separate from myself is self-deception and self-manipulation and not accepting myself as life as One as Equal – and this is not acceptable … it is simply a lie a believe in my mind
It is really astonishing how much shit …bullshit I have accepted and allowed myself to create and how much I participate in it just to not take self-responsibility – how it is really only possible in the mind because I am responsible all-ways. This point was floating around quite some time now in this process and actually my buddy brought the point of change some time ago and also with the starting of the DIP was this point present…Like now I am participating in the Course this will surly change me. It’s myself, IT HAS TO BE MYSELF!
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