Friday, December 2, 2011


Coming out of a exam and it has worked quite well, i asume. So beforehand i faced some minor fears and according to my pattern of past participation, also preprogammed in the last days/yesterday through thoughs as "Before the exam i will read this info to have it all complete or at least read about it once", i wanted to read the said info. Again this make-believe point as what i did was:

I had 2,5 hours in the morning and could have read it then, but acctually i am aware that i will do "ok-well" in the exam. I went in the uni about 1,25 hours prior the appointment and actually was aware that i have it at 11:00 but "i am not quite sure/what if i miss" so i want to be in Uni before the appointment of the group before me
- Which is bullshit: If i know that i have at ceartain time or place or whatever to do something that i am certain - or i am not certain. SO a point for me to really consider is the actual practical points/cornerstones of a event and make certain that my information on this points is correct, i have done this and am certain, yet i do not trust myself and want to be even more certain...its like with the mind, desires or addictions where i go into the cenarios again just to prove again and be more cerain that it is bullshit it is definately a self manipulation and sabotage -

I go to the uni and think that than i will "use the waiting time to read this info". When i arrive i first go to the PC and check my email and simply sit there reading a blog and looking at the link a destonian posted about "China would defend Iran in world war 3"
-Which brings me back to what is here and i think shit i was fast asleep...really this stuff is no joke...they are death-serious with this ...This is hard to comprehend in my fairytale-mindset...they are actually talking about considering to do all the Bullshit again - and again - and again -and again -

so i do stuff at the computer till half an hour before the exam and than i go to meet before the room with the other beings, that will be examined parallel -its a group exam in spoken word-, and am actually aware that "here i was before", now they will be very excited and nervously talking as always before this exams ". I just want to read this info" and sit me on an other table, i mean its their way of coping with the situation express the fear masked as talking/laughting, mine is to hide it and pretend to read and

One of the beings speaks to me and ask me and i go over to sit with them - asking myself if this is good because i fear that they will also make me nervous and "I want to read this info" and i actually do so - needless to say completely ineffective ... i could remember about 3-4 words/points - interessting also that i don´t want to talk to them as they talk about the exam projections  "What can be asked/What have the others been asked/What about this and that etc." and a point in this is that if they bring up points/pharses/topics that i do not know so specific/detailed or at all i fear --My make-believe knowledge is destroyed or has "week-points" --

Its interessting because the other beings like try to fill their gaps and get rid of the fear/uncertainty through communication with each other, one said "maybe u can help me by answering my question if i do not know"
and through expressions make them selves believe that "it will be ok" - I try to make myself believe that i I know everything relevant by pretending to learn in the last moment

Obviously this "learning" today, or rather the thought "That i should/will read this also", had no effect on my actual understanding of the topic or even the outcome of exam, maybe, and was a waste of time or energy - as i used the energy to create a mindpossesion of personality that has its roots in the BELIEVE that:

I just have to be certain in my make-believe than they will buy the lie

The point beyond it is that i want to be able to just speak and communicate with a being in the moment as what and who i am and the other is - looking at a problem or point and investigate it ... This is cool and valid but again in our current system it is not so and also i have to be honest with myself in seeing that i can only communicate and speak with someone about a topic - which is i appling to the examsituation - if i have properly investigated it beforehand and not just learned by heart...and i simply have to be realistic with the points in my reality and see what they represent and accept this for the moment in practicality.

In the exam itself i had kind of a fear because it was about the topic of Coporate Social Responiblity (in Environmental-Management)  and i wrote the work half a year back and was presenting quite a account of  system-critic and basicly discarding this whole construct as useless (lots of underlying anger, i read the hitler-writings back")  "as long as the econonomic and monetary system stays the way it is" - interessting as back then i have already created this fear from a dishonesty as thoughts of "Maybe i have an influence on the Prof" and "What will he think, i basically attack him as a Manager in the current system" ... so a interessting point as today i experiance of "slowing down" in the being examed by this being and basically speaking from my reseach on the topic. I percieved it as a "conflict of sorts", jet when i look closer "I have only believed and defined that our perspectives and points are different" and also interpreted it than this way - I mean he has a different position in the system but that does not mean that he or his perspective is good/bad, even the "perspective" is/was my "interpretation of his perspective" according to my judgements so basically it was a point of facing my own judgement make-believe.

With the other being was also a interesting situation: I brought up topic that lay way back where i feeled quite inferior and we where visiting a factory. He than asked further on the topic and i had to go back to find the memory and what i realized is that the same energy was triggered and i was participating in inferiority like really snapping into the past (also here the point of gernerally judging/rejecting/not trusting/spiting Teachers/Professors or such and in this actually validting their existence in my mind)- Ok, interesting as i have created/brought up this topic myself i basically did this to face this point of memory...yet not aware so my mind tryes to control me through go into infeariority into fear...fuck u mind u are an asshole!

After the exam i had this experiance of now i can rest and i let myself do so by watching a few vlogs and reading a blog ... but also this experiance was self-created through thinking "I really would want to watch a film after the exam - i have deserved it"

Manifested Self-Slavery as re-warding me for "working hard" for the system=EGO as the "hard work" was all make-believe ...OK, lol - fuck

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