Under-stand me!

Some points with regards to "Understanding":

"They don´t understand"

"I want you to understand me"

"I want you to under-stand me" = You shall stand under me = You are less than me

"You should under-stand this knowledge"

"You should under-stand my knowledge" = You should stand under my knowledge/me = You are less than me as my knowledge/me  -> i am less than my knowledge

My knowledge is right = in the mind= I am right

Desire for Understanding: Self-Righteousness

COMOM-SENSE = Speaks for Self - EVERYONE UNDERSTANDS

Confessions of a Vampire

A point came up while i was in the shop buying stuff. I was feeling quite good and as i was paying i noticed judgement in relation to the cashier "She looks really drained, liveless,old - She is unhappy" and went on to the bäcker. There i observed the behavior of the beings and like stood back and simply watched what the personalitys play out - the smiles etc. Then it was my turn and i thought "now she is smiling at me, so that i smile back to satisfiy the point and she gets her energetic fix - the living vampirism that we are..."

So i went out and looked again at the situation to see that i have already feed of the situation while standing and watching - as i had also some movement of energetic experianc, like ha this human show....superiority-
and with seeing that i was also the vampire in this situation one major point of dishonesty in myself came up.

Ten or so jears back i had this phase of ...actually this vampirism-theme was here from childhood on, where i saw my parents as vampires, so ten jears back ...i experianced it for a few weeks so that i knew exactly what another being wants from me - one could also say i could see or read the desire or the agenda basically seenig the mind, seeing that it is only about what we want from each other to keept the own world existing ...Ah fuck i guess you know what i mean, simply facing the truth of human relationship
I firstly saw this demonic and addictive nature and behaviors in others and kind of only watched it, like i had lost my Ego for this time, or lost the protection/filter of the mind, it was quite a horror-trip for two weeks but as time passed on i started to realize that "Hey wait i do exactly the same - I want, I desire, I want to control and possess - GREED-is the word here " and this was the point that i could not stand. That i am the demon that i am the EGO that i am the Vampire. So i tryed to get away run away and hide ------FUCK i do this since childhood---- to separate myself from the bad fucked world and judge it. Yes-the accepted world of Consciouseness is HELL but i have created it - getting all emotion-HELL in the fear of Loss - fear of losing my nice and moral Image of myself - just not to see that i am the greedy bastard that i fear in others.

This is the point that could not accept in myself that i am the Vampire that feed of the life of others, that i am the greedy parasite that houses in the phsical- I have become that which i jugded the adultes as - and as i could never accept and embrace the point within me i resorted to judgement and eventually hate
To hate the world - to hate myself because i could not love because i am evil - not realizing that there exists no love in this world amongst humans...or realizing it but i want to be the one who loves - but i wasn´t was am just the same greedy fucker as everybody else - a loveless manipulative addict for the life in other beings

So fuck in a way i created myself to the "Über-Vampire" because to see myself as the one who truly loves and cares i had to create all this judgements about others that i feed of - A love Vampire, how fucked is that?

The point that is important for me here now is that i accept myself and embrace myself completely as all my evil and Ego-perceptions as Darkness - because this is the point why i always show the white feather - in german den Schwanz einziehen - when i am faced with abuse/greed/ego, because i have not embraced it within myself but only judged it.

If i can not embrace and accept something within me how can i change it, how can i face it in others and stand as myself - Not at all - I will always fall because my stability is based on a fake, deceptive believe of Love which is nothing more than a desire to fuck myself in various ways in disguise of a beautiful feeling

Also here to make it clear: what i feed of as this vampiring, parasitic Ego-manifestaton is the judgement -so its basically fear - the judgement that another is less than me...it´s a good victim...less in any way, today for example the female was " drained, liveless,old " so this gives me energy to my system, because actually i fear to be or get "drained, liveless,old" but now i am not so i am more than that - Existing in this way as the EGO i profit from the disease that we as humanity have collectively become as i can and do use every fucked up Manifestation to jugde and make myself believe that i am more than and or separate, because i can also judge something as more than myself and than i am less - but i will find a way to twist the fuck out of the situation and make myself more again - No Problem - and say and believe that more is less or less is more
I will fight and crawl around just to not face the inevitable Lostness and doom of EGO as Energy because it was never real, constant here - programmed to die from the beginning - The fucking nature of EGO is FIGHT for SURVIVAL and its already LOST

Shit! and so we go on projecting our LOSTness of FIGHTing for survival into and as this world and manifest a place that is a battlefield - Battlefield Earth - Not Battlestar Galaktika, Not Star Wars - Its right fucking here, right fucking now and we fight against no thing else than LIFE = the earth, the animals, plants, each other...Shit, people we have to stop - I STOP!
We will stop or we will be stopped - Death stops Ego - EGO can not stand LIFE.
What the fuck, what do we believe to be? LIFE
Fighting against LIFE...and than we win against LIFE? and the winner is EGO? LOL - We are ultra stupid and ultra possessed - programmed ...but that is no excuse!

SO, the only thing that actually feeds the Ego, that Ego exists as is fear of death = fear of loss as the judgements exist as fear - I hide fear ...fear of myself . STOP Till here and no further I will no longer allow myself to judge and deny or hide Fear, Ego, Desire, Greed and shove it back and blame others!

I embrace myself as of Self that i have jugded within myself and never wanted to see or realize within me, i embrace all the lost parts of myself that i have allowed myself to hate and beLIEved that i just cannot accept.

I realize Ego as me and stand Equal with myself as whatever comes up - I face myself forgive myself and basicaly i can allow myself to make this fun and just laught about my self as fear - If i believe that something of myself is so unaccepable that i can not laugh about it, the stupidety of trying to win a lost fight, i have Problem - a Ego-problem

Selfforgiveness and Selfhonesty allow myself to see, realize and solve -face- ego-problems for and as what they are: Energy sucking parasites in the FLESH as the true self as MYSELF as YOURSELF = OURSELF as ONESELF

Politics and Manipulation

So, one point that comes up in sligthly different form is still this point of the desire of directing others and having a influence or simply controling the situation, and it sucks. I have this in relation to friends for example where i go into thougths about how and what i can explain to them about desteni or Equal Money even before i visit them and then i view everything that is said through this and always or often have the desire to bring the topic up but do it not actually, but try to manipulate the conversations or simply have back-chat.

Then there is still the point of me being or percieving myself as rude or i dont know how to have a proper conversation, so that we could discuss things - Its like someone says something i don´t agree, or see is not real and then attack or speak up against but in a way that the point is like finished and we sit in silence and there are many points that i do not agree with, it is not valid and acceptable end in the converations in this plae where i have the last say, it has no value, no effect because the others will not realize something themselves i have forced my understanding - only to ... ja fuck why do i do that, it is more a protection, i still fight - Its the same old system-point to use knowledge to make myself more than others to define myself as someone and hide behind "making the world better"
Naja, here is the point to see when i am before i meet with someone already participate in thoughts about what to say i am fucking myself - I want to control myself, because i am fucking afraid actually so my desire is to have control, of what? It is kind of rooted in ... myslef ... as used always used knowledge to control self and my world and in this separated myself and palced myself as more than through this.

Also in the last time there is often the realization "Fuck the world is really really really fucked up!" and i kind of start to realize the actual responsiblity that one has and first feeled the push and urge to "do much" also facilitated through the chats on PF and translating and some of the things bernard said and also how dedicated the participants are - reacted with guilt/inferiority and was motivated by this on the other had i feeled "important" and allowed ego and also the desire to "get people" - which is a point that is existent withing all this manipulation-manifestation of  myself, to get them to change their ways and the system within them to not have to change myself so that i can lean back and direct/manipulate - I watched than the cove and "wanted to do a vlog" in german so that "the german animal activist consider a real solution" - so here i plan already- but did it not imediatly but procrastinated it a night - Time for myself as the mind -

While directly watching the film i got emotional sometimes, angry/sad and thóught "What the fuck is up with the humans"- Imean i see what is the motive and how it works, but is still reacting, also because its the same whit cows and pigs etc and i eat them and particepate in the same system- so selfblame/hate

Next day i made the vlog and was also beforehad thinking what i want to say at the end.
I started then of with projecting my thought onto all making it "Many humans are surely thinking what the fuck is up with the human" - because in my head i already know the answer and so i made the whole thing seperate from myself and also mit the agenda to "identif with them" or to "get the humans with this thougth"
and this the fuckedupter points who i uses strong words like "killings/slaughterings" then often to speak about this and to them so what i actually do is placing myself as "outside" and create guilt in others to talk into "their consience" because i have ja separated myself in the knowledge or believe of knowledge...in went the on to describe what money is and how equal money system will solve this killings and several others more, an i made a  enumeration of gruelties that will no longer exist - that i have also already created in the mind beforehand...and i touched my throat will spraking so i interpreted this as supporting systems

I had acctually beforehad or while making already thoughts that i particepate in ego that this is "not quite right" but i did not see what. so i uploaded and feeled as if did something good. Today morning i was quite nervous "fucked up" and i draw the tarotcardpolitics and i could not stand by or as this and was rather disgusted for being nd presenting myself as such a "Teacher/Hypocrite/Politic" - simply deceptive so i deleted them - this whole experiance fits in with the "fear of control" that i walk in the DIP and this points of were i want to "get someone" or "what to have an influence on others" i must Flag and stop

There are always the points were i realize that i am not self honest/want to influence others = Do not go there!Not do it again! Stop

Will David Icke still be able to manufacture Conspiracies?

Thats a really good question, as that is how one goes about Conspiracies: One manufactures them, they are man made. In his interviews Icke often talks about his intial experiances and how then suddenly lots of this coincidences happend and a period of time where he was "flooded" with knowlegde - that he keeps now repeating for the last decades. An interessting point, as i find the same within myself as a apparently "absolute certain knowing" that ALL others are fucked, only me seeing the truth thats going on - no, was just projected blame = abdication of self responsibility. And also a good question for the Icke-fans or ufo or conspiracy-theorists to ask would be:
We have a conspiracy of "whom ever" that controls an and manages all to the smalest detail "perfect" to match and fit "their agenda" or "their plan" to stay i control, so why would they allow someone that speaks out against them like Icke or other Conspiracy-theorists if it was of any relevance for "them", if it was posing a threat?
So, either we have no conspiracy with any real power, Icke is some kind of saviour-super-hero like Neo or Jesus, or he - or any conspiracy theorist...ahh terrorist as that is what they are, they are terrorizing common sense within humans and humanity - is part of the conspiracy that´s going on here.

The real CON-spiracy is the human CON-sciousness as being a apparently higher form or being, separate from the rest of existence. Basically all of us participate in this conspiray that the human being accept and allow as themsleves. We conspire against life, nature, the animals, the whole earth as we want to assert our apparenly god-given right to "dominate the beast of and as earth" through our apprently superior ability of thinking and knowlege - finally we only fucked ourselfs, into the realms of spiritualiy, conspiracy and "higher knowledge" completly disregarding the physical reality that is actually suffering wether in the forms of animals, plants, humans whatever is here. Who are the real "aliens" here on planet earth?
Con-spria-cy = Con-spiral-city: We spiral our cons in and as our consciousness and in this manifest the con as our selfes

Obviously we have to realize that and how we are all taking part in this Conspiray agaist Life and we do this in by applying Self honesty to see and face ourselves, Self forgiveness to forgive and stop ourselfes and self corrective application to practically change and not accept the same again - So basically bringing oneself back here from the spiraling con of our minds to and as the physical reality. In an Equal Money System and even before that in the beginning stages the tools of selfforgiveness, selfhonesty and selfcorrection will be part of the reeducation-process that the human will face to understand and realize the principles of "Equality and Oneness" and "What is Best for all life"

If one looks at the principles one can see that a conspiracy is not part of that, as a conspiracy is not Best for ALL LIFE but only for those that run it or profit from it - for example Mister Icke - and Equality and Oneness would imply that if you "see" or "know of" a Conspiracy against something, which is separation, and do nothing to change or stop it but only blame you are part of the the conspiracy through abdicating  your resposeability as a equal living being.

In a system where all life is supported equally how will there be a conspiracy - Look at it, with money being removed the whole motive is removed. Neither will there be a greedy elite that wants to and can rule the world through money and our participation nor will there be a conspiracy-theorist that makes a living by selling manufactured conspiracys. Equal Money will expose and end all conspiracy!

Hollywood in an Equal Money System?

Hollywood - the dreamfactory. A dreamfactory is creating dreams, dreams to keep us asleep, to give us at least "something". If we are not able to live what WE are dreaming of at least want to see others living  aparently magnificent lives and great storys. "I want to be a Star" and in the mind we are experiancing and living with the movie, getting all emotionally involved and caught up in the movie, based on a more or less distinct identification with one or more of the roles or characters. In fact this is form of psychosis, where the contact to the external reality is lost and one is existing in the movie within ones own head - the accepted human condition at the moment...so nothing out of the norm, lol - and as you just go with the flow, you dream the dream that is promoted by Hollywood, so its not even your own dream that keeps you asleep.

The point here is that no one of the "Stars" that make up the "Walk of fame" have been born as these apparenty superior beings, they have been created by money. When you look at Hollywood - what is it: Its a city where the filmindustry has settled and therefore a lot of movies have been produced, the rest is a mindfuck. It´s quite funny and scary at the same time to see these human beings marvel at these Stars on the ground, kneeling down just to touch "their Star" - It´s fucked up - Its empty, there is no one, its just metal and stone shaped into a certain form and thats what will happen to Hollywood too. The whole "fame-game" will stop becaue with the money motive and the support thereof in and from the moneysystem as  a whole the personality-cult around so-called "stars" will cease to exist - At the moment we "love" the Stars because we do not love yourselfs. Equal Money will change this as people will be equally valued and value each other equally as life, so that real appreciation and honor for another as self and the individual self expression can exist.

In an Equal Money System Hollywood will be equalized to its functionallity as a practical place to make movies as the whole infrastructure and possiblities are already available. So, don´t be worried there will be plenty of cool movies - However the content will propably change from "bling, bling" and "bang, bang"
to show and support life-expression in multiple ways and various forms as the narrow confines in terms of buget and "who can be a actor/actress" will not exist.
Hollywood can transform from a dreamfactory to a birthplace and transmitter of living self expression, waking up all that is still sleeping. For more on the current situation read the Equal Money Book

                              

Also the "stars" the only source of light in the dark night that this existence has become for so many are fueled by money so that they can shine - Give Money equally to all so the existence can "lighten up" for all and we can see each other, otherwise we will continue to walk in the dark falling, stumbling and walking over each other following the light of stars that we can never reach.

Check-Out 2

And then the final projection and association-bullshit was that her name means and sounds "ocean" or "sea" so i she is the sea the deep dark water were life comes from and that gives water=life to everything, as i said i "like to associate things/beings" or create methapors
- i was often sitting in the Chemisty class and looking at the compounds and molecules as similar to beings like some connect and form relationships=create an new compound or the maschines that are used to messure "what it is" were the particels are sweept along and through a specific environment and distance its like a race or the "human race" so i kind of trained myself to see such similarity of systems, yet allone in my mind -
 and i had, as i was walking in "the moor", ... i always saw myself as water or a waterbeing...ok this is also bull based on the starsigns mainly, but anyway i did this and in a phase where i was mostly smoking pot, moved out from parents into a flat, literally "5 meters below the city" i would see myself as ...or rather after this after a relationship broke up i would see myself as "a pool in the forest" that lies there in seclusion of the rest of the world and my partner, being a "wind-being" or "the wind", would have put me up in the air and now i am, as i go to study and in "the wide world" again - i am on my way to the ocean - first a small beek, then i get a river and a bigger river and then i flow and end in the endless SEA - i am one with my source and and ÁhHhhhh - so basicly waht i am here saying is the seeking and searching for Smadhi/Nirvana/God on a long way - THE LONG-CON - as Bernard called this preprogammed walking along to find the "Light at the End of the Tunnel" in the brilliant interview "Cure for your Couriosity"- now i see     
Na so i have created this whole Bullshit-story and she would now be the Ocean that i end in - fuck it is to hilirious - never relizing that i was here all along - no wonder that i got a half panic-attack in intense inferiority when standing before this being because of all this supressed mind-bullshit.

Ok, so at home i notice this situation is still on my mind and some backchat is coming up and getting half-nasty, spiteful as "Haha, now she is buying him toys - So they end up all ...this relationships" "yeah, toys for the kids - these kidpeople...she is playing the mother" and more...not so nice stuff sexually tainted lol

Obviosly i am jealous because another has got a toy and i am not - lol- ... so who is now the kid-people?
Na ok i stop this backchat and saw that this is one of the major "Check-out-points" for me.
Someone has got my toy - Someone has taken my toy away - Someone has taken my joy away - Someone has enslaved my cat - Someone fucks my wife - Someone has fucked up my life - Someone has enslaved my creation
I WILL FIGHT FOR IT

Not this time! I Check-Out of this programmed delusion to keep my on a long-con to find the SEA OF LIGHT - forgive myself and realize myself HERE as the moment as BREATH in the PHYSICAL as LIFE

Check-Out

So today i was shopping, actually i was "forced to" because a unecpeted event happened - while making an fairly important call the credit of my phone ran out and the call was terminated - and there is only this one shop where i could buy what i needed. I got a lot of food...the cleanig stuff that would have also been neccessary i forgot to get... and stand on the register where left and right of me is always special offers or other untensils "everyone needs" so that you take it when you are waiting - Actually this is working quite well, because you want to get out and on, one gets impatient - so i looked around "Can i use this do i need this" and "caught myself" looking at how was progammed to do so by this Setup - I mean from Childhood on...where you have this sweets and specific children stuff placed on the Checkout so that you want to get it and eve terrorize your parents "IWANTTHAT-MAMA" or something like that...

I looked at it as this being often also the case with walking this process   
- where in specific situations i got complete possessed by a experiance or personality and so not being able to face myself here effectively because its simply the past/memory-possession- for me this is/are on the one hand a intense "euphoria/joy" that roots most definately in drug-extasy-experiance where i "changed myself" completly - for some tíme - or fear... the polarity of "Love/Fear"- 
close to the check-out meaning before stopping and changing the mind presents the alluring, glittering and seductive shit...ok this are only my definitions again, because if looking at if i want to get out of "the store" i simply have to walk through the Check-out and not accumulating more stuff i have to pay for ... lol

Ok so i stand on the register and suddenly a being pops up that i have accepted and allowed to create all kinds of ideas and ideals about over a extended period of time and it does not see and recogice me -- Shit, hear(e) the trap clap(s) -- so i say "Hi" and she looks and speaks with me as "Hi, how are u we talked about u yesterday..." i get nearly a heart-attack axiety for a few minutes then i stabilize myself and walk out the store and calm down. I look around and see that she and a employee of the shop want to put a "thing" and i "percive" them to struggle a bit with it so i go there and "want to help", is see that they get it alone and turn around to fetch my bike. All of it in a exited state of half wanting to get away and the perception that this is also bullshit.

She is still there so i approach her and we speak a bit about what we are doing now in terms of studying and  i calm down and go into kind of a comfort-mode. She tells me about the "thing" being a kicker that she wants to gift her boyfriend ot christmas and i notice how i react to this within "slightly but surely", so i drive home and look how/why this situation unfolded and how it was created on my part:
The desire to meet this being again came up for some time an i allowed to participate in hope, also the last time i meet her i resisted talking or participating with her in fear of loss - where i sabotaged myself with such personality-possession as mentioned above - So i would not let this illusions in relation to her actally go and die by facing her and seeing who she really is

Its quite strange for that matter -in terms of the illusions- because i have this tendency to see beings as "more" and projecting stuff onto them - to build methapors or place parts of existence in them ...outside of myself- for example in the beginning of this she was in a rainforest for half a year. I would then think wow, cool she is adventorous and exaggerated this to "She looks like "the forest" - when you are in the forest, you become the forest ...so now she is the forest - cool!" wow, what the fuck ... and then the associations i would have to the rainforest mysteriuos, full of live, deep, dangerous, undiscoverd, virgin in a way, unspoiled, wild - untamed, ...so cool now she is this - basta -
the major fuck-up comes now as it was a main reason for me "creating the idea" of wanting to study, at this specific place were the pictures of the rainforest -sepecificly this spot, its a station where the wildlife and plants are "researched", where she was- that a friend showed me. I said "Wow, that are cool studies, this i also would like to do!" - If i trace the desire back more i find a general fascination with the rainforest (and "the polarity of desert") and the childhoodwish to be a "Animal researcher" - Books of Animals and forest, A book of my grandma and pictures of other cultures ...these with the big "plate" in the mouth and rings around the throat, Albert Schweizer, lol- the wish to help in the jungle - lol, pop up -  Ok, so i really am astounded how fucked i am...how fucked the mind is
Ok, so basicly me Childhood-dream resonated to the pics and dragged me to study, than i projected this childhood-dream onto her and "made her to my dream" - because she has lived and experianced this she must be cool, also the believe in a way that i can profit from this or experiance such stuff with her ... i want her experiance/energy

The next point in this was the rasta-hair and specific interest in herbs were i would think wow, she is rebellious, a oulaw, smokes pot - its interesting again, how i have given this hairs a whole personality on its own, if someone has rasts he/she is....and that the other being that was in this rainforest had also rastas and pot - then she cut the hair very short and i found that very rebellious and unconventional ...lol could it be that  i am and want to express a rebel and live unconventional - because i have chained myself to and with conventional bullshit into and as a straitjacket of morality

Next point is also a childhood-thing and came up first as i was on internet and - yes i am fucking stalker - googled her name: They have farm, how fucking cool is this i have partly growen up on a farm and this place and my grandma i would associate with freedom, care, love, wholeness, experiance, adventure, security, expansion, allONEness, being here with animals, openness, bliss -
What comes also up is that "This place could propably save me from having to study - Or not wanting to study, wanting to be on the farm", so the point that this (the farm) was my place of freedom and at home and school i feeled supressed and constricted, no wonder by the fucking way ... it is intensly unnatural for a living being to sit still not talk and communicate for hours and hours ...naja, lets say the schooling/education- system is not set up in real understanding of humans or any being for that matter
Ok, she was also a point to escape from my responsibilitys as studying but as i not faced her, in a way that i also could protect my isolated delusions - interessting how the point of money comes into play again because they run the farm as a accomodation for tourists and thoughts were there like "I could help with that...lol / "We" could do this so and so" wow what a delusion...and i would not have to learn, and work for myself...I point that i can also trace back as my first girlfriends family owned a business where i could work sometimes
and that this LIES within my Genes as my grandfather marryed into my the family of my grandma that had the farm - so this live experiance exist within my family, that there is a "save haven" waiting somewhere

So, time for a break

FREECHOICE to LOOK AWAY

"Freechoice is to KNWO the world is abusive and then to do nothing to change it" - Bernard Poolman

So, today i wanna dicate myself to this statement and look how we participate in this choice. In my live i have often done exactly this. Exatly seen that and how i exist in and as abuse and than turned a blind eye to the situations which eventually lead me to isolate myself pretty much. One cannot face abuse and do nothing - either one takes the opportunity and does something to change the situation or one separates oneself into the mind and use all kind of believes and definitions to not responde...actually it is a response, no its a reaction one programs oneself with to not responde but isolate

Looking at world there are more dimensions to this word, as you can see for example the "internal world", "personal world", "world of ur familiy and friends", "old world", "new world", "third word" or "this world" which would encompass all of it. In all of this worlds exist abuse - and we see this, yet we do not change it, we accept and allow it. We decide to ignore it - actually we do everything possible to not see, to not hear to somehow get along and cope with this shit - beause of fear of actally standing alone, of standing up in full awareness of what is here, what we have accepted and allowed within and without.

The internal world is the domain where the real evil and abuse houses, as apparently no one sees what we think and exist as. In our head we believe to have freechoice because "its my mind, i can think what i want "  "this can not harm anyone" and so we allow all kind of Stuff. In and as the mind i kill, i rape, i possess, in the mind i am a fucking-god, in the mind i deny, i hate, i desire, i fear, i am a accendet master, in the mind i hate but i am also Jesus - and we think this has no consequenzes - stuff we would or could not practically, physicaly live.  It has Consequenzes and brings about what we see within this world as what it exists, as we are creators - everyone creating as what is accepted and allowed whithin, yet we have a mind where we can suppress and hide the truth of ourselfs so that we actually believe ourselves to be "a normal person/ality" - the "Freechoice" to accept the abuse within our minds has the conseqenze of building all kinds of beLIEves into a Personality structure to hide behind - We live a lie if we accept the "Freechoice to KNWO the world is abusive and then to do nothing to change it" in and as our mind.

Family and Friends, oh my, the freechoice to accept and allow abuse in relationships is quite point that "hits me hard" because i have on several points then turned into the opposite direction of changeing - because i have been hurt, i was abused from my persective i went into revenge and abuse "I will only fuck with you" in this i have basically decidet to separate myself from my emotions to exist as this single-pointed desire, were my outflow was the to manipulate myself within various form - physically, emotionally, drugs - to get what i want. Projected you have "They only want to fuck with u" and this believe i have applied to judge everything and everyone (nearly)- SO the outflow of this is/was that "i dont give a shit about others" and through this i allowed even more abuse - I wrote nearly because one/two beings i "trusted" -lol- Its these close relationships "for ever" that i allowed the most abuse with and from. Long story short - The freechoice to allow abuse in my world of relationships instead of changing lead me to indifference, isolation, ignorance as consequenzes.

Yesterday i was quite shocked of how ignorant and uninterssted i have become with the things that happen in and as this world - The occupy movement atm, were i watched a few clips and reacted very strongly to the Propaganda and the "Stupidity of the people" yet i reacted because i have allowed myself to numb myself to dream and sleep away in Ignorance=bliss to not face the Nightmare that is here - WAKE UP


 

The Evening

Wow, so today after submitting the post the day really started...I wanted to do some recordings of translations and sat in front of the laptop. I had quite a resistence or/and pressure with doing this because i have not done this very often and dont really know how to also the message of Equal Money is most important and i do not want to make failures or simple do it good. Also i see that i am not so stable within myself that i dont react and i am "extremely wobbly" the last week or so - i feels like i am moving on a boat or waves moving inside me- so i notice that i do react quite ab bit with fear and constriction in the solarplexus. The point is also that i do not really know how far or not i participate in Ego with this or in general-If i experiance this because i participate from Energy, yet i have to because i have not so long- So yes i am not moving as self - yet i am moving at all.
As my laptop broke i could see how much i reacted and how much i have defined myself as the work and the work as important and me as inferior, if that makes sense.
First i was shocked than, i blamed myself and whined, also the point of "I can´t never do something right" came up and showes me where this Ego comes from. I want to prove myself that i am worth something if i define myself something that i do.
Ok, it is not practical for future to work, do and express in this way because it creates strong fluctuations if something does not work.
I did then some recordings with my Handy and was the faced with the next problem, that the files cannot be uploaded on the pc i have access to. After the chat - while the chat i got an email and acctually wanted to give up and the recordings to others - i got a mp3-player from a friend so i will use this tomorrow.
The coolest way to do this afait is to walk and speak while walking 

I really actually still hope that the Laptop will somehow magically fix it self lol i come home and it works again that would be cool...

(Hi)Story Part 1

I woke up from a dream and feel pushed and driven to write, actually i have thought while i was laying still in bed i should, i must make a vlog about this. Its so important, but nevertheless i stay in bed until the clock goes off - exactly as long as i can, if had written as i con -lol- Yeah, fuck i con myself with not getting up and staying in bed dreaming:

I am in a big room with lots of marketingspeople in their suits, expensive goldwatches - I wear a jacket of wool and find that perfidious and am somehow worried about that- and stuff like that, we are watching the newest Advertisemnent of the company and they are having great fun, debating and praising the spot. Wow, its fucking cool! We will sell a lot of stuff...- I get very angry because of the bullshit they are proposing and at some Point scream out "You Idiots don´t you see what your doning...You are destroying the whole planet -and we are all taking part - You you have the blood on your hands...Whats with your KARMA" So i preach like that some time and there are actually bankers crawling in fear on the ground "No, No" wanting to get away from my "powerful tirade". After that i leave i run away i want to the trainstation to get away as fast es possible. Let them rot in their own shit!

 At the moment i experiance myself ...hm, quite in a state or a point where i see that there is no way that this world as it is can go on. I applyed myself for 5 month in the Desteni I Process now and with getting the specific tools and applying it on my life, or what i call my life - which is in itself a multiple lie - i realize how fucked i really am. How specific the mind works and how there is not much of what one can call "living human being" in a human system.There is no choice for a "normal human", because i don´t know if there are beings that have completely transcended the mind, but even for them there is no choice because they are in a system of mind.
How i came to desteni and the journey to this point here is a interesting example for this:
First i came across the portal-interviews in Spring 2010 and was quite stunned and facinated. It made a great impression on me, actually i was sure that this is real and that life or the parts of existiance that are comming through are in fact speaking. So, the implications of this are then vast but also simple: Nothing that i know is real or in fact so - There is much more. Actually the stuff that most people or at least myself feel /hope for: Can this here be all?

- My Question was and is still in a way : What is infinity? How is this possible - like God is the greatest or the universe is the biggest thing...but it must be in something...what is beyond?-

I watched the vids and after a time i was "hooked" - read this term in a writing of Destonian and its very accurate - So while watching the vids the mind was basicly silent or i was attentive, its kind of unable to cope with what is presented and shared, but then i would question and doubt. I also heard some of the haters and spiteful comments spreading fear, basicly i allowed this to exist within me to a extent - i heared it because the fear was existent within me. So i then had a point where i had to decide if i want to participate on the forums - i was applying the 4 count breath and gotten to a point where i see : this works - and i supressed it basically because of fear.
 I was driving with my bike breathing in the dark and had a picture of the portal come in my mind saying "Come to me" and i applied immediatly Self-forgiveness to make it go away because this is not accaptable
So what i really did was to suppress the desire to paticipate on the forums and to express myself there - because of fear of losing control over my orderd reality.

The next days i was attending a new work for half a year and had no access to computer as such so i did not participate or go further into the material etc. I breath and spoke selfforgiveness - from morality, and in this time desteni existed like a "seed in my subconsciousness" as an idea and i wanted to simply stop the mind as breathing. I drank again a lot alcohol in this time but i often thought of desteni and what i heared and saw.
Here it becomes more clear for me also how i, in this time used desteni to make myself more than others, or more than my "own fall" and create a ego/personality out of it.

Yeah, the drugs or in this the alcohol...We were 50 Students, all attaining to work  in some nationalpark in germany,  and had this week where we would "get to know each other" basicly a big propaganda-event of the a big German Bank that was sponsoring our work in the Nationalpark. We had to absolve lots of workshops or events, basically the whole day also with presentations of how the bank "is careing for nature/environment" or what the "students have done last year in their projects" all very proud-personality bullshit. And i was sitting there kind thinking how ridiculous and fucked up this whole charade is and i was acctually spiteing and hating jet i directed this outside of self - this stupid people, why can´t they see and i validated my emotions, anger, hatred with desteni or the portal interview - basicaly knowledge and info - i separated myself in a believe that now i am something better - more-ality - and put desteni as a validation to not face myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use and abuse desteni to validate my hatred and rejection of society
I forgive myslef for accepting and allowing myself to use and abuse desteni to justifiy anger, hatred and spite of myself and the system outside of self
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to validate fighting against the system and the mind, instead or realizing that i am fighting spiting hating myself by creating a Matrix-personality of fighting and superiority
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to see and realize that hatred is my "last resort"

The thing is that most of the other beings were as aware as me that this is a Propaganda and a Marketing of the bank jet not all react with the same hatred to it: I WANT THIS TO GET AWAY-I HATE IT
And the even more fucked up thing is that it is set up in a kind of double-moral because the bank actually paid for us and our "Praktica for Nature" as they call it - So i hate and spite myself to participating in such an act of Propagada, actually profiting from it - HA! This is apoint that i am walking/facing in my studying again now...UHhh, this is shit, mabye i should not do my diploma it is fake/not valid and selfforgiveness is much more impotant - This is bullshit i am trying again to place knowledge between myself and my responsibilitys the excuse that this is more important than that to stay who i am. There is nothing more important, i have to do all that is here to do for me...no way out.
As i said not all beings would react in this way the most "normal" -a i am abnormal then...yes fucking special because i hate ja its cool to hate ja - would connect with each other and make the best out of it or at least speak and participate with each other...So here we have it again... I did rather separate and isolate myself fear anxiety ... i found myself most of my life "unable" or "unwilling" to connect to "strangers" or simply express myself - always wanted to do it for someone else - fight for something, protect something, help someone close relationships or be alone like a dog or a wulf - a wolf-dog ... always on guard to fucking kill the intruders
But who is the lordling of this wolf dog - i have to find the lordling and kill him...lol because he/it has trained me to hate myself is this not an violent act? I will go and find it/he and place the Statement set me free or i will set myself free whatever it takes!
 Its really strange because whom will i want to kill but myself, i want to take revenge on myself for training me to hate and reject myself as others. I blame myself for being violent with myself - yet i want to kill myself - OK, that is a fucked up viscious cycle.
The "lordling(s)" outside of myself are not here any longer and i have to direct myself - I cannot do this if i constantly want to take revenge on myself -
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to split myself from myslef into a personlity of hatred and anger in which i want to contantly kill myself for what i have accepted and allowed
I forgive myself fro accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that i am a dog on a leach or a bear in a chage
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed to enslave myself to consciousness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my own consciousness
I forgive mysefl for accepting and allowing myself to try to kill myself as consciousnes
I forgive mysefl for accepting and allwoing myself to hate myself as a mind-consciousness-system
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hate my own enslavement, instead of realizing that in hate i give it power
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for wanting to be enslaved
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myselt to hate my thoughts
I forgive myself for accepting and alllowing myself to want my mind to go away
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to not think anylonger
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to stop my mind
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to see and realize that in fighting against the system and the mindsystem whithin i create and manifest a complete fighting personality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight my thoughts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to kill myself in fighting my mind