So, one point that comes up in sligthly different form is still this point of the desire of directing others and having a influence or simply controling the situation, and it sucks. I have this in relation to friends for example where i go into thougths about how and what i can explain to them about desteni or Equal Money even before i visit them and then i view everything that is said through this and always or often have the desire to bring the topic up but do it not actually, but try to manipulate the conversations or simply have back-chat.
Then there is still the point of me being or percieving myself as rude or i dont know how to have a proper conversation, so that we could discuss things - Its like someone says something i don´t agree, or see is not real and then attack or speak up against but in a way that the point is like finished and we sit in silence and there are many points that i do not agree with, it is not valid and acceptable end in the converations in this plae where i have the last say, it has no value, no effect because the others will not realize something themselves i have forced my understanding - only to ... ja fuck why do i do that, it is more a protection, i still fight - Its the same old system-point to use knowledge to make myself more than others to define myself as someone and hide behind "making the world better"
Naja, here is the point to see when i am before i meet with someone already participate in thoughts about what to say i am fucking myself - I want to control myself, because i am fucking afraid actually so my desire is to have control, of what? It is kind of rooted in ... myslef ... as used always used knowledge to control self and my world and in this separated myself and palced myself as more than through this.
Also in the last time there is often the realization "Fuck the world is really really really fucked up!" and i kind of start to realize the actual responsiblity that one has and first feeled the push and urge to "do much" also facilitated through the chats on PF and translating and some of the things bernard said and also how dedicated the participants are - reacted with guilt/inferiority and was motivated by this on the other had i feeled "important" and allowed ego and also the desire to "get people" - which is a point that is existent withing all this manipulation-manifestation of myself, to get them to change their ways and the system within them to not have to change myself so that i can lean back and direct/manipulate - I watched than the cove and "wanted to do a vlog" in german so that "the german animal activist consider a real solution" - so here i plan already- but did it not imediatly but procrastinated it a night - Time for myself as the mind -
While directly watching the film i got emotional sometimes, angry/sad and thóught "What the fuck is up with the humans"- Imean i see what is the motive and how it works, but is still reacting, also because its the same whit cows and pigs etc and i eat them and particepate in the same system- so selfblame/hate
Next day i made the vlog and was also beforehad thinking what i want to say at the end.
I started then of with projecting my thought onto all making it "Many humans are surely thinking what the fuck is up with the human" - because in my head i already know the answer and so i made the whole thing seperate from myself and also mit the agenda to "identif with them" or to "get the humans with this thougth"
and this the fuckedupter points who i uses strong words like "killings/slaughterings" then often to speak about this and to them so what i actually do is placing myself as "outside" and create guilt in others to talk into "their consience" because i have ja separated myself in the knowledge or believe of knowledge...in went the on to describe what money is and how equal money system will solve this killings and several others more, an i made a enumeration of gruelties that will no longer exist - that i have also already created in the mind beforehand...and i touched my throat will spraking so i interpreted this as supporting systems
I had acctually beforehad or while making already thoughts that i particepate in ego that this is "not quite right" but i did not see what. so i uploaded and feeled as if did something good. Today morning i was quite nervous "fucked up" and i draw the tarotcardpolitics and i could not stand by or as this and was rather disgusted for being nd presenting myself as such a "Teacher/Hypocrite/Politic" - simply deceptive so i deleted them - this whole experiance fits in with the "fear of control" that i walk in the DIP and this points of were i want to "get someone" or "what to have an influence on others" i must Flag and stop
There are always the points were i realize that i am not self honest/want to influence others = Do not go there!Not do it again! Stop
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