Friday, November 11, 2011

(Hi)Story Part 1

I woke up from a dream and feel pushed and driven to write, actually i have thought while i was laying still in bed i should, i must make a vlog about this. Its so important, but nevertheless i stay in bed until the clock goes off - exactly as long as i can, if had written as i con -lol- Yeah, fuck i con myself with not getting up and staying in bed dreaming:

I am in a big room with lots of marketingspeople in their suits, expensive goldwatches - I wear a jacket of wool and find that perfidious and am somehow worried about that- and stuff like that, we are watching the newest Advertisemnent of the company and they are having great fun, debating and praising the spot. Wow, its fucking cool! We will sell a lot of stuff...- I get very angry because of the bullshit they are proposing and at some Point scream out "You Idiots don´t you see what your doning...You are destroying the whole planet -and we are all taking part - You you have the blood on your hands...Whats with your KARMA" So i preach like that some time and there are actually bankers crawling in fear on the ground "No, No" wanting to get away from my "powerful tirade". After that i leave i run away i want to the trainstation to get away as fast es possible. Let them rot in their own shit!

 At the moment i experiance myself, quite in a state or a point where i see that there is no way that this world as it is can go on. I applyed myself for 5 month in the Desteni I Process now and with getting the specific tools and applying it on my life, or what i call my life - which is in itself a multiple lie - i realize how fucked i really am. How specific the mind works and how there is not much of what one can call "living human being" in a human system.There is no choice for a "normal human", because i don´t know if there are beings that have completely transcended the mind, but even for them there is no choice because they are in a system of mind.
How i came to desteni and the journey to this point here is a interesting example for this:
First i came across the portal-interviews in Spring 2010 and was quite stunned and facinated. It made a great impression on me, actually i was sure that this is real and that life or the parts of existiance that are comming through are in fact speaking. So, the implications of this are then vast but also simple: Nothing that i know is real or in fact so - There is much more. Actually the stuff that most people or at least myself feel /hope for: Can this here be all?

- My Question was and is still in a way : What is infinity? How is this possible - like God is the greatest or the universe is the biggest thing...but it must be in something...what is beyond?-

I watched the vids and after a time i was "hooked" - read this term in a writing of Destonian and its very accurate - So while watching the vids the mind was basicly silent or i was attentive, its kind of unable to cope with what is presented and shared, but then i would question and doubt. I also heard some of the haters and spiteful comments spreading fear, basicly i allowed this to exist within me to a extent - i heared it because the fear was existent within me. So i then had a point where i had to decide if i want to participate on the forums - i was applying the 4 count breath and gotten to a point where i see : this works - and i supressed it basically because of fear.
 I was driving with my bike breathing in the dark and had a picture of the portal come in my mind saying "Come to me" and i applied immediatly Self-forgiveness to make it go away because this is not accaptable
So what i really did was to suppress the desire to paticipate on the forums and to express myself there - because of fear of losing control over my orderd reality.

The next days i was attending a new work for half a year and had no access to computer as such so i did not participate or go further into the material etc. I breath and spoke selfforgiveness - from morality, and in this time desteni existed like a "seed in my subconsciousness" as an idea and i wanted to simply stop the mind as breathing. I drank again a lot alcohol in this time but i often thought of desteni and what i heared and saw.
Here it becomes more clear for me also how i, in this time used desteni to make myself more than others, or more than my "own fall" and create a ego/personality out of it.

Yeah, the drugs or in this the alcohol...We were 50 Students, all attaining to work  in some nationalpark in germany,  and had this week where we would "get to know each other" basicly a big propaganda-event of the a big German Bank that was sponsoring our work in the Nationalpark. We had to absolve lots of workshops or events, basically the whole day also with presentations of how the bank "is careing for nature/environment" or what the "students have done last year in their projects" all very proud-personality bullshit. And i was sitting there kind thinking how ridiculous and fucked up this whole charade is and i was acctually spiteing and hating jet i directed this outside of self - this stupid people, why can´t they see and i validated my emotions, anger, hatred with desteni or the portal interview - basicaly knowledge and info - i separated myself in a believe that now i am something better - more-ality - and put desteni as a validation to not face myself.
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to use and abuse desteni to validate my hatred and rejection of society
I forgive myslef for accepting and allowing myself to use and abuse desteni to justifiy anger, hatred and spite of myself and the system outside of self
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to validate fighting against the system and the mind, instead or realizing that i am fighting spiting hating myself by creating a Matrix-personality of fighting and superiority
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to see and realize that hatred is my "last resort"

The thing is that most of the other beings were as aware as me that this is a Propaganda and a Marketing of the bank jet not all react with the same hatred to it: I WANT THIS TO GET AWAY-I HATE IT
And the even more fucked up thing is that it is set up in a kind of double-moral because the bank actually paid for us and our "Praktica for Nature" as they call it - So i hate and spite myself to participating in such an act of Propagada, actually profiting from it - HA! This is apoint that i am walking/facing in my studying again now...UHhh, this is shit, mabye i should not do my diploma it is fake/not valid and selfforgiveness is much more impotant - This is bullshit i am trying again to place knowledge between myself and my responsibilitys the excuse that this is more important than that to stay who i am. There is nothing more important, i have to do all that is here to do for way out.
As i said not all beings would react in this way the most "normal" -a i am abnormal then...yes fucking special because i hate ja its cool to hate ja - would connect with each other and make the best out of it or at least speak and participate with each other...So here we have it again... I did rather separate and isolate myself fear anxiety ... i found myself most of my life "unable" or "unwilling" to connect to "strangers" or simply express myself - always wanted to do it for someone else - fight for something, protect something, help someone close relationships or be alone like a dog or a wulf - a wolf-dog ... always on guard to fucking kill the intruders
But who is the lordling of this wolf dog - i have to find the lordling and kill because he/it has trained me to hate myself is this not an violent act? I will go and find it/he and place the Statement set me free or i will set myself free whatever it takes!
 Its really strange because whom will i want to kill but myself, i want to take revenge on myself for training me to hate and reject myself as others. I blame myself for being violent with myself - yet i want to kill myself - OK, that is a fucked up viscious cycle.
The "lordling(s)" outside of myself are not here any longer and i have to direct myself - I cannot do this if i constantly want to take revenge on myself -
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to split myself from myslef into a personlity of hatred and anger in which i want to contantly kill myself for what i have accepted and allowed
I forgive myself fro accepting and allowing myself to think and believe that i am a dog on a leach or a bear in a chage
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed to enslave myself to consciousness
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to separate myself from my own consciousness
I forgive mysefl for accepting and allowing myself to try to kill myself as consciousnes
I forgive mysefl for accepting and allwoing myself to hate myself as a mind-consciousness-system
I forgive myself that i have accepted and allowed myself to hate my own enslavement, instead of realizing that in hate i give it power
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate myself for wanting to be enslaved
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to hate my mind
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myselt to hate my thoughts
I forgive myself for accepting and alllowing myself to want my mind to go away
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to not think anylonger
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to want to stop my mind
I forgive myself that i have not allowed myself to see and realize that in fighting against the system and the mindsystem whithin i create and manifest a complete fighting personality
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight myself
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to fight my thoughts
I forgive myself for accepting and allowing myself to kill myself in fighting my mind

No comments:

Post a Comment