A point came up while i was in the shop buying stuff. I was feeling quite good and as i was paying i noticed judgement in relation to the cashier "She looks really drained, liveless,old - She is unhappy" and went on to the bäcker. There i observed the behavior of the beings and like stood back and simply watched what the personalitys play out - the smiles etc. Then it was my turn and i thought "now she is smiling at me, so that i smile back to satisfiy the point and she gets her energetic fix - the living vampirism that we are..."
So i went out and looked again at the situation to see that i have already feed of the situation while standing and watching - as i had also some movement of energetic experianc, like ha this human show....superiority-
and with seeing that i was also the vampire in this situation one major point of dishonesty in myself came up.
Ten or so jears back i had this phase of ...actually this vampirism-theme was here from childhood on, where i saw my parents as vampires, so ten jears back ...i experianced it for a few weeks so that i knew exactly what another being wants from me - one could also say i could see or read the desire or the agenda basically seenig the mind, seeing that it is only about what we want from each other to keept the own world existing ...Ah fuck i guess you know what i mean, simply facing the truth of human relationship
I firstly saw this demonic and addictive nature and behaviors in others and kind of only watched it, like i had lost my Ego for this time, or lost the protection/filter of the mind, it was quite a horror-trip for two weeks but as time passed on i started to realize that "Hey wait i do exactly the same - I want, I desire, I want to control and possess - GREED-is the word here " and this was the point that i could not stand. That i am the demon that i am the EGO that i am the Vampire. So i tryed to get away run away and hide ------FUCK i do this since childhood---- to separate myself from the bad fucked world and judge it. Yes-the accepted world of Consciouseness is HELL but i have created it - getting all emotion-HELL in the fear of Loss - fear of losing my nice and moral Image of myself - just not to see that i am the greedy bastard that i fear in others.
This is the point that could not accept in myself that i am the Vampire that feed of the life of others, that i am the greedy parasite that houses in the phsical- I have become that which i jugded the adultes as - and as i could never accept and embrace the point within me i resorted to judgement and eventually hate
To hate the world - to hate myself because i could not love because i am evil - not realizing that there exists no love in this world amongst humans...or realizing it but i want to be the one who loves - but i wasn´t was am just the same greedy fucker as everybody else - a loveless manipulative addict for the life in other beings
So fuck in a way i created myself to the "Über-Vampire" because to see myself as the one who truly loves and cares i had to create all this judgements about others that i feed of - A love Vampire, how fucked is that?
The point that is important for me here now is that i accept myself and embrace myself completely as all my evil and Ego-perceptions as Darkness - because this is the point why i always show the white feather - in german den Schwanz einziehen - when i am faced with abuse/greed/ego, because i have not embraced it within myself but only judged it.
If i can not embrace and accept something within me how can i change it, how can i face it in others and stand as myself - Not at all - I will always fall because my stability is based on a fake, deceptive believe of Love which is nothing more than a desire to fuck myself in various ways in disguise of a beautiful feeling
Also here to make it clear: what i feed of as this vampiring, parasitic Ego-manifestaton is the judgement -so its basically fear - the judgement that another is less than me...it´s a good victim...less in any way, today for example the female was " drained, liveless,old " so this gives me energy to my system, because actually i fear to be or get "drained, liveless,old" but now i am not so i am more than that - Existing in this way as the EGO i profit from the disease that we as humanity have collectively become as i can and do use every fucked up Manifestation to jugde and make myself believe that i am more than and or separate, because i can also judge something as more than myself and than i am less - but i will find a way to twist the fuck out of the situation and make myself more again - No Problem - and say and believe that more is less or less is more
I will fight and crawl around just to not face the inevitable Lostness and doom of EGO as Energy because it was never real, constant here - programmed to die from the beginning - The fucking nature of EGO is FIGHT for SURVIVAL and its already LOST
Shit! and so we go on projecting our LOSTness of FIGHTing for survival into and as this world and manifest a place that is a battlefield - Battlefield Earth - Not Battlestar Galaktika, Not Star Wars - Its right fucking here, right fucking now and we fight against no thing else than LIFE = the earth, the animals, plants, each other...Shit, people we have to stop - I STOP!
We will stop or we will be stopped - Death stops Ego - EGO can not stand LIFE.
What the fuck, what do we believe to be? LIFE
Fighting against LIFE...and than we win against LIFE? and the winner is EGO? LOL - We are ultra stupid and ultra possessed - programmed ...but that is no excuse!
SO, the only thing that actually feeds the Ego, that Ego exists as is fear of death = fear of loss as the judgements exist as fear - I hide fear ...fear of myself . STOP Till here and no further I will no longer allow myself to judge and deny or hide Fear, Ego, Desire, Greed and shove it back and blame others!
I embrace myself as of Self that i have jugded within myself and never wanted to see or realize within me, i embrace all the lost parts of myself that i have allowed myself to hate and beLIEved that i just cannot accept.
I realize Ego as me and stand Equal with myself as whatever comes up - I face myself forgive myself and basicaly i can allow myself to make this fun and just laught about my self as fear - If i believe that something of myself is so unaccepable that i can not laugh about it, the stupidety of trying to win a lost fight, i have Problem - a Ego-problem
Selfforgiveness and Selfhonesty allow myself to see, realize and solve -face- ego-problems for and as what they are: Energy sucking parasites in the FLESH as the true self as MYSELF as YOURSELF = OURSELF as ONESELF
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