Check-Out 2

And then the final projection and association-bullshit was that her name means and sounds "ocean" or "sea" so i she is the sea the deep dark water were life comes from and that gives water=life to everything, as i said i "like to associate things/beings" or create methapors
- i was often sitting in the Chemisty class and looking at the compounds and molecules as similar to beings like some connect and form relationships=create an new compound or the maschines that are used to messure "what it is" were the particels are sweept along and through a specific environment and distance its like a race or the "human race" so i kind of trained myself to see such similarity of systems, yet allone in my mind -
 and i had, as i was walking in "the moor", ... i always saw myself as water or a waterbeing...ok this is also bull based on the starsigns mainly, but anyway i did this and in a phase where i was mostly smoking pot, moved out from parents into a flat, literally "5 meters below the city" i would see myself as ...or rather after this after a relationship broke up i would see myself as "a pool in the forest" that lies there in seclusion of the rest of the world and my partner, being a "wind-being" or "the wind", would have put me up in the air and now i am, as i go to study and in "the wide world" again - i am on my way to the ocean - first a small beek, then i get a river and a bigger river and then i flow and end in the endless SEA - i am one with my source and and ÁhHhhhh - so basicly waht i am here saying is the seeking and searching for Smadhi/Nirvana/God on a long way - THE LONG-CON - as Bernard called this preprogammed walking along to find the "Light at the End of the Tunnel" in the brilliant interview "Cure for your Couriosity"- now i see     
Na so i have created this whole Bullshit-story and she would now be the Ocean that i end in - fuck it is to hilirious - never relizing that i was here all along - no wonder that i got a half panic-attack in intense inferiority when standing before this being because of all this supressed mind-bullshit.

Ok, so at home i notice this situation is still on my mind and some backchat is coming up and getting half-nasty, spiteful as "Haha, now she is buying him toys - So they end up all ...this relationships" "yeah, toys for the kids - these kidpeople...she is playing the mother" and more...not so nice stuff sexually tainted lol

Obviosly i am jealous because another has got a toy and i am not - lol- ... so who is now the kid-people?
Na ok i stop this backchat and saw that this is one of the major "Check-out-points" for me.
Someone has got my toy - Someone has taken my toy away - Someone has taken my joy away - Someone has enslaved my cat - Someone fucks my wife - Someone has fucked up my life - Someone has enslaved my creation
I WILL FIGHT FOR IT

Not this time! I Check-Out of this programmed delusion to keep my on a long-con to find the SEA OF LIGHT - forgive myself and realize myself HERE as the moment as BREATH in the PHYSICAL as LIFE