Monday, November 14, 2011


So today i was shopping, actually i was "forced to" because a unecpeted event happened - while making an fairly important call the credit of my phone ran out and the call was terminated - and there is only this one shop where i could buy what i needed. I got a lot of food...the cleanig stuff that would have also been neccessary i forgot to get... and stand on the register where left and right of me is always special offers or other untensils "everyone needs" so that you take it when you are waiting - Actually this is working quite well, because you want to get out and on, one gets impatient - so i looked around "Can i use this do i need this" and "caught myself" looking at how was progammed to do so by this Setup - I mean from Childhood on...where you have this sweets and specific children stuff placed on the Checkout so that you want to get it and eve terrorize your parents "IWANTTHAT-MAMA" or something like that...

I looked at it as this being often also the case with walking this process   
- where in specific situations i got complete possessed by a experiance or personality and so not being able to face myself here effectively because its simply the past/memory-possession- for me this is/are on the one hand a intense "euphoria/joy" that roots most definately in drug-extasy-experiance where i "changed myself" completly - for some tíme - or fear... the polarity of "Love/Fear"- 
close to the check-out meaning before stopping and changing the mind presents the alluring, glittering and seductive shit...ok this are only my definitions again, because if looking at if i want to get out of "the store" i simply have to walk through the Check-out and not accumulating more stuff i have to pay for ... lol

Ok so i stand on the register and suddenly a being pops up that i have accepted and allowed to create all kinds of ideas and ideals about over a extended period of time and it does not see and recogice me -- Shit, hear(e) the trap clap(s) -- so i say "Hi" and she looks and speaks with me as "Hi, how are u we talked about u yesterday..." i get nearly a heart-attack axiety for a few minutes then i stabilize myself and walk out the store and calm down. I look around and see that she and a employee of the shop want to put a "thing" and i "percive" them to struggle a bit with it so i go there and "want to help", is see that they get it alone and turn around to fetch my bike. All of it in a exited state of half wanting to get away and the perception that this is also bullshit.

She is still there so i approach her and we speak a bit about what we are doing now in terms of studying and  i calm down and go into kind of a comfort-mode. She tells me about the "thing" being a kicker that she wants to gift her boyfriend ot christmas and i notice how i react to this within "slightly but surely", so i drive home and look how/why this situation unfolded and how it was created on my part:
The desire to meet this being again came up for some time an i allowed to participate in hope, also the last time i meet her i resisted talking or participating with her in fear of loss - where i sabotaged myself with such personality-possession as mentioned above - So i would not let this illusions in relation to her actally go and die by facing her and seeing who she really is

Its quite strange for that matter -in terms of the illusions- because i have this tendency to see beings as "more" and projecting stuff onto them - to build methapors or place parts of existence in them ...outside of myself- for example in the beginning of this she was in a rainforest for half a year. I would then think wow, cool she is adventorous and exaggerated this to "She looks like "the forest" - when you are in the forest, you become the forest now she is the forest - cool!" wow, what the fuck ... and then the associations i would have to the rainforest mysteriuos, full of live, deep, dangerous, undiscoverd, virgin in a way, unspoiled, wild - untamed, cool now she is this - basta -
the major fuck-up comes now as it was a main reason for me "creating the idea" of wanting to study, at this specific place were the pictures of the rainforest -sepecificly this spot, its a station where the wildlife and plants are "researched", where she was- that a friend showed me. I said "Wow, that are cool studies, this i also would like to do!" - If i trace the desire back more i find a general fascination with the rainforest (and "the polarity of desert") and the childhoodwish to be a "Animal researcher" - Books of Animals and forest, A book of my grandma and pictures of other cultures ...these with the big "plate" in the mouth and rings around the throat, Albert Schweizer, lol- the wish to help in the jungle - lol, pop up -  Ok, so i really am astounded how fucked i fucked the mind is
Ok, so basicly me Childhood-dream resonated to the pics and dragged me to study, than i projected this childhood-dream onto her and "made her to my dream" - because she has lived and experianced this she must be cool, also the believe in a way that i can profit from this or experiance such stuff with her ... i want her experiance/energy

The next point in this was the rasta-hair and specific interest in herbs were i would think wow, she is rebellious, a oulaw, smokes pot - its interesting again, how i have given this hairs a whole personality on its own, if someone has rasts he/she is....and that the other being that was in this rainforest had also rastas and pot - then she cut the hair very short and i found that very rebellious and unconventional could it be that  i am and want to express a rebel and live unconventional - because i have chained myself to and with conventional bullshit into and as a straitjacket of morality

Next point is also a childhood-thing and came up first as i was on internet and - yes i am fucking stalker - googled her name: They have farm, how fucking cool is this i have partly growen up on a farm and this place and my grandma i would associate with freedom, care, love, wholeness, experiance, adventure, security, expansion, allONEness, being here with animals, openness, bliss -
What comes also up is that "This place could propably save me from having to study - Or not wanting to study, wanting to be on the farm", so the point that this (the farm) was my place of freedom and at home and school i feeled supressed and constricted, no wonder by the fucking way ... it is intensly unnatural for a living being to sit still not talk and communicate for hours and hours ...naja, lets say the schooling/education- system is not set up in real understanding of humans or any being for that matter
Ok, she was also a point to escape from my responsibilitys as studying but as i not faced her, in a way that i also could protect my isolated delusions - interessting how the point of money comes into play again because they run the farm as a accomodation for tourists and thoughts were there like "I could help with / "We" could do this so and so" wow what a delusion...and i would not have to learn, and work for myself...I point that i can also trace back as my first girlfriends family owned a business where i could work sometimes
and that this LIES within my Genes as my grandfather marryed into my the family of my grandma that had the farm - so this live experiance exist within my family, that there is a "save haven" waiting somewhere

So, time for a break

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