Friday, August 19, 2011

Writing 190811

Today i/my mind was somehow quite fragile - was fast in participating in reactions. First thing in the mornings i wanted to take my bike to work in the car my father was putting it in the trunk and as it did not fit immediatly he expressed anger like "This piece of shit, fuck, does not want to fit" and i reacted with fast with "Ok, let it be... we let it here" because i felt responsible for his "expression" because of it being my bike and i took this comment personally. A moment after, it fit and i realized that i did not have to react at all - Its again the point of me feeling guilty and/or responsible for what my parents/others allow in/as themselves -
Next situation that is clearly in mind is a college at work walking in greeting me with "Ah the early-bird" which, at least from my perspective was an alluision/referece to me oversleeping and missing the train 2 days ago and actually i had then backchat that he wants to define me according to the past and former times where i also have paricipiated in this pattern - if i take full responibility in selfhonesty i have to see that i created the "possible definition" according to the past myself firstly by recreating this pattern of being late and actually talking openly about it, but in an coqueting way defining myself to/as my past participiation/pattern "So, now i have for the first time missed the train, this time - I also oversleept, my mother woke me - lol" Hmmm....
Ok, the same/similar shit happend the later were i then got really angry and separated myself in selfpity, seriuosness, Ego, being distanced and suspicious etc. and i saw the shift and emotions tryed a few times to turn it around by forcing me to talk, being "nice" but die not see the point that I !! have defined myself to the past/memories:
The subject came up of the driverslicence and if i have it again etc. and actually the I !! started to explain about what i am doing to get it back, why i lost it - justification/blame - that i do not drink anymore etc etc. that alkohl is also a drug accually identifieng ...lots of unnecessary bullshit-memories - unnecessary - and i see that it is the attention that i got and that i want to show this being that i have changed in this point and created actually the opposite as i defended my (past) personality - so its still here, in separation - WHEN REALLY I WOULD HAVE BE EFFECTIVE AND SUFFICIENT TO SIMPLY STATE THAT I CARE FOR IT/MYSELF AND AM IN THE PROCESS OF GETTING IT/THE LICENCE BACK
 profiling my personality that they/i know...After that i was then backcatting and the situation was bugging me, but i did not see and acctually think he is/wants to define me to the past - also i did not "remeber" simple rule of "TAKE IT BACK TO SELF" so that i would have seen - as i do now - that I WANT TO DEFINE ME AND WANT TO HOLD ON TO THE PAST instead of LIVING SELFHONESTY HERE IN EVERY MOMENT OF BREATH as the Ego/Personalities want to have VALIDATION/ATTENTION.

So, again ATTENTION!!! when i portayl myself I WANT ATTENTION -
I have to realize I am MATURE and LIVE/GIVE ATTENTION as/to MYSELF
P.S. The Being has worked with me for 4 years and was one of my primary trainer at work but also a respected college, but as he is nearly 60 yeas also a ... i realize that i have separated myself from him as kind of a authority/fatherfigure/teacher ...ok-cool 

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